Do you have difficulty communicating with your husband or wife? You speak several times, but your child doesn't obey you? Or is your problem at work?
It's very common for us to talk countless times to a certain person, and still feel like we're never understood. This happens a lot in weddings, for example. And it is so serious that it is capable of destroying relationships over time.
Be they personal or professional. But Non-Violent Communication can change that. It both helps us feel better when we express ourselves, and is also more effective in its approach and makes us know how to expose our true needs or understand those of others.
According to Deepak Chopra, a world-renowned Indian doctor, non-violent communication connects people's souls, promoting their regeneration. And that's what makes it so powerful. But what is this Non-Violent Communication anyway?
Nonviolent Communication is a specific approach to communication—both speaking and listening—that leads us to give of ourselves from the heart, connecting with ourselves and others in such a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. It has existed for thousands of years and was used by great beings in our history, such as Jesus Christ and Buddha, and more recent widely known cases, such as Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King and the Dalai Lama, for example. But it was the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg who structured it in such a way that we could learn more easily and use it in the different situations of our modern life.
Although it is common for us not to consider the way we speak “violent”, our words often generate hurt and pain, whether for others or for ourselves. Non-violence means allowing what is positive in us to surface and being dominated by love, respect, understanding, gratitude, compassion and concern for others. Instead of being so because of the egocentric, selfish, greedy, hateful, prejudiced, suspicious and aggressive attitudes that usually dominate our thinking.
Therefore, Non-Violent Communication is based on language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even in adverse conditions. It replaces our old patterns of defense, which is retreat or attack in the face of judgment and criticism. And we begin to listen deeply, both to ourselves and to others.
And this generates respect, attention, empathy and a mutual desire to give ourselves wholeheartedly. In other words, we let go of those shields that we carry throughout our lives and start to show our human side. And this also causes others to drop their shields, as they don't feel like they are being attacked.
On the contrary, they feel that they are being heard and welcomed, and they tend to open up and treat us with respect as well. This is the power of compassion. And Non-Violent Communication is a compassionate way to communicate.
Non-Violent Communication has numerous benefits. It operates on three levels: the first is the intrapersonal level, which is our relationship with ourselves; the second is the interpersonal level, which is our relationship with others, whether personal or professional relationships; and we still have the third level, the systemic, which is our relationship with systems that are part of human relationships and have implicit agreements, such as public transport, a classroom or a hospital, for example. Even if we didn't create these systems, the way we behave towards them has a lot of influence.
Non-Violent Communication generates benefits at all levels of communication and in different life situations, such as in intimate and family relationships, in schools and companies, in therapies and counseling, and even in diplomatic and commercial negotiations and in disputes and conflicts. of all nature. There are countless people using non-violent communication in their daily lives and reaping several benefits.
Some use it to connect more with themselves and understand their true needs, while others use it in their personal relationships or professionals. Therefore, it is a tool to always have on hand and use in our daily lives. Let's see how we can use Non-Violent Communication in our daily lives.
One of the first steps to begin using Non-Violent Communication is to recognize that we are all violent to some degree and need to make a qualitative change in our attitudes. There are many forms of violence that go beyond violence done through physical force. There is what we can call passive violence, which is more linked to suffering of an emotional nature.
Mockery, contempt, irony, sarcasm and even looking at or pretending that the other person does not exist are forms of violence widely carried out in our daily lives - by ourselves and by others. Is not true? But, unfortunately, we wait for others to change, and we don't even look at our actions.
If we want a more peaceful and loving world, we ourselves need to be the expression of peace and love. Mahatma Gandhi said, “Let us be the change we want to see in the world”. Whether you like it or not, this is a sentence that makes a lot of sense, do you agree?
Non-Violent Communication has four basic components: observation, feeling, needs and request. The first step is to observe what is actually happening in a situation. You can ask yourself the following question: “What am I seeing someone else say or do that is enriching or not enriching my life?
” The trick here is to be able to make this observation without making any judgment or evaluation — simply saying what we like or don't like about what people are doing, but without trying to frame it as right or wrong. Once this is done, we must identify how we feel when observing that action. Assess whether you were hurt, scared, happy, amused, angry, or any other feelings that may have arisen.
Third, we recognize which of our needs are linked to the feelings we identify. And then, we come in with the fourth component, which is the order. It needs to be very specific, and it should focus on what we want from the other person to enrich our lives.
For example: a mother who is having problems with her teenage son who keeps throwing his dirty clothes around the house might say: “Roberto, when I see your dirty clothes thrown on the couch and dirty dishes scattered around the house, I get angry, because I need more order in the space we use in common”. She would immediately continue with the fourth component, making a very specific request: “Could you always put your dirty clothes in the bathroom hamper and the dishes in the sink? ” It is worth saying that it is often possible to express yourself with the four elements of Non-Violent Communication without even saying a word.
For the essence of this form of communication lies in our awareness of those four elements, not in the words exchanged. So, part of Non-Violent Communication is expressing ourselves using these four elements. And the other part of this form of communication is receiving exactly these four pieces of information from others.
We can connect with them by noticing what they are observing and feeling and what they need; and then, discovering what could enrich their lives, which is the request. It is important to keep in mind that the other, most of the time, will not know how to express themselves in this way, and that is where conflicts usually arise, as one does not know how to express themselves in a compassionate way and the other does not know how to read what is being said. behind that expressed form.
So, it is up to us to observe this behind what is said or done. In other words, we have to go beyond their words or actions. We have to connect with the feeling behind those words or actions.
That's when we discover the true cause of why that person is expressing themselves violently in that way. Another important point for us to be able to communicate in a compassionate way is to get rid of moralizing judgments. Phrases like “Your problem is that you’re too selfish” or “He’s lazy” are classic examples of judgments.
Blaming, insulting, belittling, labeling, criticizing, comparing, and diagnosing are all forms of judgment. Psychologist Marshall Rosenberg calls this “life-alienating communication. ” It is a big problem, as it traps us in a world of ideas about right and wrong, which generates countless judgments.
When we use such language, we think and communicate in terms of what is wrong with others for behaving the way they do—or, occasionally, what is wrong with ourselves for not understanding or reacting as we would like. So our attention focuses on classifying, analyzing, and determining error levels, rather than focusing on what we and others need and are not getting. In other words, we stop looking inside ourselves and observing our emotions or the emotions of others, and we start to fit ourselves or others into certain labels.
But here it is important to know how to differentiate value judgments from moralizing judgments. Value judgments are what we believe to be best for life, such as honesty, freedom or peace, for example. Moralizing judgments are when we analyze and label someone according to our value judgments.
For example: Instead of saying “Violence is bad. Whoever kills is a bad person! ”, we could say: “I'm afraid of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value conflict resolution by other means.
” In other words, we said that we do not agree with violence, and we showed our feelings behind what we thought, but we did not label anyone. This difference is very important, because when we classify and judge someone, the person tends to close themselves off and activate their defense mechanisms, which makes them respond or act aggressively. Another problem with life-alienating communication is that it clouds our awareness that each of us is responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and actions.
Expressions like “having to” or “making someone feel” are common examples of alienating communication that takes away our sense of responsibility. For example, when we say “There are things you have to do” or “You make me feel guilty”. To improve this, we can replace language that implies a lack of choice with language that recognizes the possibility of choice.
For example: instead of saying “I don't agree with this, but I have to do it because my boss told me to”, it's better to say “I don't agree with this, but I choose to do it because I want to keep my job”. See that in the first case it's almost as if you had no choice. In the second, you have it, but you chose to choose a certain path.
This simple change gives us more freedom, as we realize that we are not obligated to anything and have other possibilities in life. Can you notice how our language is capable of freeing or imprisoning us? And also how is she able to open or close hearts?
It is important to keep in mind that the world we live in is what we make of it. If today it is merciless, it is because our attitudes have made it so. If we change ourselves, we can change the world, and this change must start with our language and our methods of communication.
Non-Violent Communication has countless tools that we can use in our lives. These are just some of them. But I recommend that you delve deeper into the subject, as it will benefit you a lot.
You can do this by reading psychologist Marshall Rosenberg's book called Nonviolent Communication: Techniques for Improving Personal and Professional Relationships. The link is in the video description, as well as other complementary content. And you, have you ever heard of Non-Violent Communication?
Have you tried using it in your everyday life? Share your experience below! That's it for today!
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