How To Speak So That People Respect You

We often think that getting respect and being aggressive go hand in hand because, unfortunately, it's often the bully that gets the most respect in the schoolyard and even in the workplace. But Jordan Peterson is an exemplar of a different way to generate massive amounts of respect. So, in this video, we're going to explore three main things that he does that force people to respect you without being a bully.

. . .

but you can't force me to respect you; it's just not possible. Okay, maybe not forced. But perhaps make people much more likely to respect you.

So let's dive into it. The first thing that Dr Peterson does is called "pacing your reality. " So even when he doesn't share your beliefs, he shows that he can understand why you might think the things that you do.

For instance, Jordan is religious, but listen to how he speaks about atheism. There's a good case to be made for atheism. I mean, let's make no bones about it because you could say, in some sense, there's been 300-400 years of brilliant scientists who've been doing nothing but laying the foundation for an objective empirical atheism.

Jordan grants that the side that he does not agree with has really strong points in his favor. And this might sound counterproductive if you're trying to persuade someone, but it actually makes people more open to changing their mind because, in any discussion, the absolute hardest thing to do is to admit that you might be wrong and risk appearing dumb. That's why sometimes saying things like, "Hey, you raise a great point," or "I totally see why you see things that way," is so important if you find yourself in a heated argument.

It lets the other person not feel dumb if they wind up changing their mind. This is how Dr Peterson can get people to open up to his views without having to push them around. You can contrast that with the standard political discussion where two sides basically just yell their points of view at one another, like in this clip: "If you work hard, if you get educated, if you're an honest person — you can make it in America.

If you live in a neighborhood where poverty is endemic, it's harder to work hard; it's harder to get an education. " [Talks at the same time] No one changes their mind from a discussion like this, so even though it might be tempting to quote-unquote win an argument by making really incisive points that make the other person look dumb, you have to recognize that it actually makes them less likely to change their behavior if you don't also validate something about their position. Now, interestingly, Jordan peppers in many instances of mini-pacings into his normal speech.

For instance, he mentions what you might be thinking while he's saying things. Just watch. "To those who have everything, more will be given; and from those who have nothing, everything will be taken.

" It's really a vicious statement, but what it means is as you go downhill, you go downhill faster and faster. "For working with old people in old-aged homes, the rule is — don't do anything for the residents that they can do themselves. " You think, "Well, that's pretty harsh.

" No, it isn't. You're helping them retain their independence. "Then he stretches out, and he'll go fight again; so antidepressants work on lobsters.

" And you think, "Well, who cares? " It's like, "No, no, no. " Jordan will even raise a hypothetical question that you might have and then answer it.

"And the idea is that if you can do that you will transcend the tragedy. " And it's like, "Well, could that be true? " Well, most people admire tough, competent people, so you know it's at least a little bit true.

What's especially fascinating is that once Dr Peterson has completely reversed her initial position, he's extra careful to not make you feel stupid about it. The other person needs to be able to save face, so he mentions one more time that he's not attacking. "I mean, I get your point, and I'm not trying to denigrate it in any sense; there's a complex issue here.

" That's partially why so many people have had their minds changed by Dr Peterson. He's not trying to make them feel dumb; he's trying to help them, to educate them. Contrast that with the quote-unquote "own" compilations on YouTube where one person tries to make the opposing side and the opposing argument seem as stupid as possible.

"They're against Mexicans, they're against Jews, black people, minorities — where are all these Nazis? Everywhere. Oh, let's do a quick pan, and now let's see them.

Oh. . .

nope. There's one. .

. nope. Okay, so there's none here, so where are they?

" . . .

which sometimes results in this: "It's not the same. " You're right. You're 100% right.

It's not the same. You don't have to cry. I know it's hard.

No, look. Come here, honestly. It can be tempting to laugh when your side gets one-up on someone from the other side, but when you make people feel stupid, nobody actually changes their mind.

And while it might feel like you're a winner, you're actually completely ineffective at changing behavior. So if your goal is to make the world a better place, be like Dr Peterson; do your best to understand people's perspectives and give them credit for doing their best to figure things out, even if you disagree. On to the second point — Jordan is constantly telling stories and sharing interesting tidbits to keep his listeners' attention, and he flows quickly between a lot of different things.

These next clips are all just taken from a span of about three minutes. "If you're competent at fighting, that actually decreases the probability that you're going to have to fight because when someone pushes you, you'll be able to respond with confidence, and that's partly why Jung. .

. " believed that it was necessary for people to integrate their shadow. When you study Nazi Germany, for example, or you study the Soviet Union, particularly under Stalin, and you're asking yourself, "Well, what are these perpetrators like?

"—forget about the victims—let's talk about the perpetrators. The answer is: they're just like you. It's a matter of facing the thing you least want to face, and there's this old story in King Arthur where the knights go off to look for the Holy Grail.

That's five different topics all in the span of just a few minutes, and you'll notice that they're all of interest to the listener. First, you have that interesting fact about martial arts, and then he takes it to a larger historical context that everyone kind of understands. Most importantly, he shows you how it applies to your life.

Two main points here: first is the winding nature of his speech, which keeps people on their toes and interested. Now, you may have experienced someone who does this poorly—talking about every random thing that comes into their mind and completely losing your attention. Peterson's approach works because he is constantly relating everything back to you—the listener.

Now, this focus on making things relevant to you is also the reason that he switches to the second person in so many of his stories: "You don't identify with either of those; you know that they're both necessary. You know that you have to live with both of them, but you identify with the capacity to continually transcend what you are. " So far, these are pretty common charisma traits, and you might have seen these before in some of our other breakdowns.

But there is one that is, at least on our channel, completely unique to Jordan, and it's kind of his calling card—that is his use of archetypes. The basic idea of an archetype is that it's an idea that resonates across a wide swath of humanity despite differing conditions. It's kind of like a foundational human story, so it's something that we intuitively understand, remember, and move towards.

Archetypes are often encapsulated in fairy tales and some of the most popular stories of our age, which is why you'll hear Peterson reference them all the time. . .

. that's the witch in Hansel and Gretel who fattens up the kids and eats them. How many of you have seen Disney's Sleeping Beauty?

It's very difficult to understand Jung outside of a narrative context, and so I'm going to walk you through The Lion King today. The woman encounters this mysterious and aggressive male and tames. .

. that's the female hero myth as far as I can tell; it's Beauty and the Beast. The point of using archetypal stories, aside from being a fun way to reference Disney movies, is that they connect with people on a deep level.

They intuitively feel true, and if you could relate a point that you're trying to make to an archetypal story, you are going to be more persuasive. That's actually how Peterson is able to take the unappealing advice of "clean up your own room" and make it into a piece of advice that probably thousands of people have applied. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with his work, cleaning up your room is meant literally, but also to say that you need to clean up your own mess before you go telling other people all the things that they need to fix for you.

It's really not appealing advice on the face of it, which is why so many of us ignored our mothers when they told us to do it. But here is how Peterson leads into this advice. You probably have all watched Pinocchio, and Pinocchio is about how.

. . a marionette; someone whose strings are being pulled by forces beyond his comprehension, but it's the situation of the undeveloped individual.

Geppetto, who's a benevolent father—so, a benevolent symbol, a symbol of benevolent culture—makes a puppet his son and then wishes on a star. Now, a star is something that glitters up in the sky, and it's associated with the transcend. .

. I can't grab all of this in one clip, and that's kind of the point. If Peterson had just told people, "Focus on yourself.

First, clean up your room before you tell other people how to live," well, he'd have been about as effective as a motivational poster. But by couching this advice inside of an archetypal story, he makes it truly connect and actually changes people's lives. That's why I think the ability to tell a good story is the most underrated charismatic trait.

If you can build the story in an archetypal structure, that's even better. Now, this is a big topic and one that I spend probably over an hour on in the Charisma University course, but for now, I'm just going to link to a few storytelling videos that we've done in the description below if you want more on this. I do want to touch on one more point, though.

And that's that Peterson can win respect without being a bully because he encourages dialogue. Now, one of the first clips that put him on the map—and his most viewed to this date—was a heated argument, and throughout this clip, he calms students when they start getting in shouting matches with one another. Female voice: ".

. . because they're not integrated into society.

" Female voice: "We are not looking for special treatment; we are looking. . .

" Female voice: ". . .

to be able to integrate ourselves into society, and if you refuse. . .

" He also pays careful attention to the students who do engage him without screaming. [Student softly speaking. ] Add all this up, and what you realize is that perhaps the biggest thing you can learn from Dr Peterson is that if you want people to respect you and you don't want to.

. . Do it in a domineering way.

You have to consider the other person; you consider their reality, and you pace it in your speech. You consider their attention span, and you wrap your points in engaging stories. Moreover, you consider that they may have something to teach you, so you speak with them rather than shout at them.

Now, we focused a lot on respect in this video, but that's actually just one out of four emotions that are going to create an amazing first impression on anyone cross-culturally. If you're curious, the other three emotions that you want to create in that person to make an amazing first impression— I've made a video on that that breaks down what those four emotions are so that you can start using them today to consistently make killer first impressions. If you want to see those, go ahead and click the link in the description, drop your email in the box, and you will get access to that video.

Also, as we've grown, it has been harder and harder for me to respond to all the YouTube comments that we get, but I do have a solution now: for the first hour after I upload a new video, I'm going to be responding to your comments. So feel free to write in if you're watching this! Or if you want to catch me next time, go ahead and click Subscribe and then click that notification bell so that you get an announcement as soon as the video goes up, and you can write me in the comments.

That way, we can converse and dialogue! Whoo-hoo! Anyways, I hope that you enjoyed this video, and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.