there are lots of subtle things you should not say like why can't I share how I feel or even asking them the question of why they do anything but beyond that subtle stuff there are four things you definitely should not say in a narcissistic relationship because not only will it get you nowhere it can backfire so keep these four things in your back pocket because knowing this can just help you waste less time in these relationships I'm starting here to say that I know you want to say these things I want to say these things
to them we all do but it gets you nowhere remember that it's not foolish to want to say these things to a narcissistic person but if you keep saying them in some ways it can really keep you stuck in an endless loop in this relationship and I'm going to share at the end end of this video why that is you ready for these number one we've talked about this before do not call them a narcissist and we can add to that list do not call them a psychopath a sociopath a covert narcissist you get the
idea just don't do it like I said I've made videos about this I have talked about this before but I think it Bears revisiting from time to time I know that the day you finally get it that you have a name for what is happening in the relationship I get it it's narcissism that day that you finally have their number that you're done with their manipulative BS and recognize that they are nothing more than an insecure child and a charismatic Wolf's clothing you want to tell them I see you and I see you clearly you
just want to pull their Charming mask off and you want other people to know it too don't do it and there's a few reasons for this this first just because you call them out as narcissistic it's not like it's Kryptonite or a bucket of water on the wicked witch it's not like you're going to shut them down or make them melt they are still masterful gaslighters and blame shifters and if you call them out as narcissistic it will come back at you and if they are skilled manipulators by the time they are done you will
believe that you're the one who's narcissistic or disloyal or cruel or mean so that's reason number one reason number two is the enablers cuz they're going to jump on it too and now you're the bad one for saying that that person's narcissistic because after all maybe the narcissistic person was just going through a tough day or had a tough life and that saying this is so judgmental etc etc you know the drill knowing that someone is narcissistic and not saying it to them that's the real power it helps you slowly drift toward radical acceptance it
helps you develop with better strategies to cope and respond it helps you get towards slowly undoing the cycle of self-blame and above all it stops you from growing to an empty well and trying to get water out of it number two thing you should never say to them don't tell them that they are gaslighting you I know you are thinking this is similar to the first thing I told you to not say but it's not entirely because frankly no gaslighter thinks that they are gaslighting they really don't there is an almost delusional quality to narcissism
they believe they're hype they believe they are communicating clearly they are entitled to entitled enough to believe that they get to have the upper hand and they don't think they're should be consequences for their behavior because they of course should never have to face the consequence and they don't think their behavior is bad in the first place so telling them that they are doing something like gaslighting it doesn't work gaslighting is a tactic it's not them lying it's not you guys having a difference of opinion it's a way for them to overpower destabilize you and
keep you down but it's part of a larger approach of them truly believing that they are right and you are wrong so there's no front door into into fixing this or to fixing the delusion they maintain and calling out a gaslighter is just that it's walking through the front door and trying to address this delusion if you do call them out for gaslighting they will simply Gaslight harder or they will do what I call the ultimate play in gaslighting they will threaten to abandon you now if you don't care that they're going to walk away
from you that may not matter to you in fact it's a really great position to be in but you're still in the relationship with them so it's quite likely that their threats of Abandonment may hit hard you may want to have this conversation but you may not be ready for the relationship to end you may still be stuck in a trauma Bond just because you know it's gaslighting doesn't mean that you're not trauma bonded whatever it is don't say it don't tell them they're gaslighting you it doesn't work work the key is for you to
know that you are being gaslighted so you don't keep engaging so you touch into your reality you know your truth you step out of it and don't go down the rabbit hole number three thing to never tell them don't tell them that you think that they can never change you may glom onto this idea that narcissistic folks love a challenge like maybe if I tell them they're never going to change they'll change it's like you're baiting them calling them out hoping that they will absorb the challenge and try to change you know the narcissistic person
is inherently oppositional and they will always fight back on anything you ask them to do just for the sake of holding their ground and exercising their freedom if you tell them to do something they will commit to not doing it right if you tell them they can't do something you may then believe well maybe you'll believe that they will take that as an oppositional call to action and they will do it probably not first of all if they try to prove it that you're wrong and they can change anything they do would probably be Hollow
and performative it would be at them first angrily insisting that there's no reason for them to change that you're the one with the problem but then saying okay okay so tell me what to change tell me how to be different and you may say well you're narcissistic you can't change and they'll say tell me tell me what you tell me what to change and you may tell them don't Gaslight me don't compare me to other people don't lie to me stop making this relationship only about you empty the dishwasher whatever your thing is with them
and maybe it's all the things I just said and first they're going to say to you oh come on you are so sensitive or they'll say I don't do those things so I can't change them but then as part of this call to action they may try they may try actually start being creepily nice to you or offering you to show their phone every day I'm not talking to anyone see or emptying the dishwasher and folding the laundry and making a big deal out of showing all of what they're doing to you and you will
be suspicious but it also May mess you up because even if they do these things for a few days it may play on that existing seed of doubt they may even go into therapy but frankly it's all a big sort of future faking setup they may only do these things the changes as it were to prove you wrong not to make real sustain changes not actually reflecting or acknowledging or taking responsibility that their behavior hurt you they may make these changes and even be a little icky about it okay so look at that I didn't
Gaslight you did I did I say it nice enough for you so you're left with these superficial changes and the same sort of can't quite put a name on it cruelty that they're still engaging with you it's still lurking underneath the surface of their behavior the challenge with narcissism is that they do have more control over their behavior than you think but make them making a change without recognizing the deeper issues or the impact it has on on you or the willingness to take responsibility that's not really change it's a circus act but if it
keeps you in the relationship longer then it's kind of backfired some folks may also use this I don't think you can change as a tactic bet you can't change again the narcissistic person may rally for a little while but the tactic will always run out quickly and you're still in the same invalidating mess and number four don't tell the narcissistic person that you you don't forgive them don't do it and it's not even just a narcissistic folks don't do this to anyone you don't forgive because as I've been talking about lately you know the world
is sort of obsessed with forgiveness and no matter what the bad thing a person did to someone somehow we we train our wrath on the person who didn't forgive rather than the person who did the bad thing and we drink up stories where people had terrible things happen like their child was killed by a drunk driver and they say they forgave that person and we think that's virtuous that's their process it doesn't make it better or worse forgiveness is a deeply personal decision and it is not a requirement for healing it is often a bad
idea in narcissistic relationships where you keep forgiving they keep behaving badly and over time you start blaming yourself more and more feeling foolish and they actually make amp up their bad behavior because they believe they can get away with more and more but when you roll up and say I do not forgive you it doesn't do anything they don't get hurt or mad or say oh no I better clean up my act so I get forgiven they will either turn around and call you cold or small-minded or Petty or in or unloving or unforgiving or
even call you a narcissist or roll their eyes but then they get their reinforcements through the enablers Who weigh in who will weigh in and say that you're the one who's being cruel and cold because you're not forgiving nobody needs to know that you're not forgiving by not forgiving The Narcissist until you're ready if you're ever ready it means you're seeing the relationship clearly you know they're going to do these bad things again and that you aren't engaging in the rather important healing process of forgiving with someone who's not going to receive it as such
and wasting your forgiveness just to be harmed again when we do these things when we call narcissistic people out and all the ways I just said they may make short-term changes that confuse us that may actually amplify our self-blame and leave us feeling more foolish and worse about ourselves narcissistic folks love a challenge and after they are done gaslighting you may try in the short term to at least prove you wrong now you're even more confused so don't do it don't call them out you want to say these things to someone tell your shrink tell
a trusted friend write it in your Journal read a book I know one you could get tell your cat just don't say it to the narcissist The Knowing is your power The Knowing is a reminder that workarounds are needed disengaging is essential it helps with radical acceptance and holding reality and your perceptions and beliefs and feelings close in these relationships it's a necessity don't give away your power by telling them you see it seeing it is the power and then you can engage in the realistic expectations and the disengagement that will save you so you
can figure out what your decisions will be going forward I hope it's helpful and don't do those things thanks again
