When the narcissistic person's MASK falls off

I know a question many of you have which is what happens when the narcissistic person's mask falls off so let's sort of set the scene you're in a narcissistic relationship the narcissistic person maybe they're stretch thin in their lives maybe their promotion didn't come through didn't come uh through a few things that they wanted to work out didn't work out something they felt entitled to didn't turn out the way they thought they deserved it maybe they were just tired maybe they were jet lagged or the like and you're at a public in a public setting

of some kind a party a concert could be a meeting a family gathering and they pop something happens that sets them off someone looks at them the wrong way they don't get the praise they thought they were deserved somebody maybe even makes a little joke that leaves them feeling laughed at maybe you forget something that you were supposed to bring whatever it is and they lose it it's not what they'd usually do because typically what you were used to is that the way they would usually lose it at you they would do it in private

but now they did it they slipped they did it in front of other people and other people notice and now the narcissistic person is the one who's looking unhinged and that's what they've always tried to avoid right especially if people in their midst were people whose opinions they valued or suppli they needed or just because they wanted to be that person it was well liked by everybody or maybe these were people who were essential to a work Circle or a Social Circle and even your surprised that they finally did that so what happens next what

happens when the narcissistic person sort of collapses or the bottom falls out the answer is different things depending on the narcissistic person I'm using the public blowup example but it may not necessarily even be a public blowup but maybe a revelation that comes to light maybe it comes to be found out that they mismanaged a financial situation or they were living a double life or they lied about something that will ruin a business or they had an affair that had real ramifications such as people in their Social Circle finding out or the partner of the

other person finding out of the other partner getting pregnant or whatever and that person that other partner threatening to go public so their shame is about to be aired and with it not only the shame but the loss of lots of Supply the most perplexing aspect of narcissism in the narcissistic relationship for lots of people is there capacity to go back and forth between charm and cruelty between a public face that leads everyone to say whoa what a cool person and a private face that is angry manipulative and can shift pretty quickly the supply seeking

nature of narcissism means that they can be very curated in how they portray themselves to the world and which is why those of you who grew up in and are still embedded in narcissistic family systems know that the holiday cards and family pictures look great on the wall and yet those little faces in those pictures actually belide so much fear sadness and inauthenticity this all contributes to the confusion that underlies these relationships and makes it harder for folks to get help and support or empathy and validation for what they are going through this collapse deflation

call it what you will is often cumulative multiple things aren't working out for the narcissistic person the entitled suit of armor starts to get dented and little holes start appearing the usual tricks don't work sometimes this happens as the narcissistic person gets older and they don't get the same juice out of power roles like work or money they don't look young and perky anymore sometimes the bad stuff they do finally catches up with them after many years someone may finally have the courage to say something remember narcissistic people get away with burning so many people

over so much time that they kind of up it and up it and then finally someone stops them sometimes also the world has shifted so maybe there's real consequences for behaviors that they once got away with whatever it is their armored suit of defenses starts to fall apart and when that happens they aren't able to turn it on and off like they usually do by far the most common is the most common Fallout of their collapse is Rage you may have been enduring their rage for a long time in private for whatever thing sets them

off like I said maybe someone at the party did make a little joke but they seem to laugh about it at the dinner and then start raging at you on the way home or in the office in private or after the guests leave but when more and more things start going wrong for a narcissistic person they will let it rip in public and this is that shame rage spiral at a public level this outcome isn't actually a bad one if you're somebody who's in one of these narcissistic relationships because now now other people may finally

be saying oo damn I am sorry I had no idea and their rage the narcissistic person's rage may be get more rage within them but at some point they will exhaust themselves and then you may see another sign of this sort of collapse which is depression now this may be more likely what we might see in vulnerable narcissism it could be an irritable depression or even a very vegetative depression that can set in think pajamas basement stop showering right right there is a lot of this sense of life isn't fair why should I bother and

frankly if you are in a relationship with them even if you on an ongoing basis have been hurt or even angry about this relationship their sort of depression can bring up pity guilt and even concerned by you the sort of depression collapse might look like clinical depression apathy sadness irritability changes in sleep distraction feelings of worthlessness but it is all going to be tinged with a woe is me a sense of being put upon and an expressed sense of indifference like I don't care about anything anymore kind of way of being now this is tricky

if this is someone whom you rely on for shared respon financial responsibility or caregiving and may take a situation that was difficult and make it much more difficult and since it will look like depression it may not mean that you get more support if any anything it may mean that you are put in the position of feeling that you need to rally victimhood and blame can also happen when this mask falling ego deflation collapse occurs even in a grandiose narcissistic person where this wasn't their usual Groove you may witness this as the multi- disappointments pile

up and they bottom out and become deflated two things may happen they start whining and complaining about how life is uniquely unfair to them they will believe their Misfortune is unlike anything that anyone has ever experienced and then it will shift to the idea that this is your fault or it's definitely someone else someone's fault and somehow you could be their spouse and have nothing to do for example with what happened at work but they will find a way to blame you for what happened to them that they didn't get the promotion because of you

and their deflation their ego collapse their public falling apart will be your fault for not being supportive enough or doing your part while there may be some relief you could even experience in this situation at least the world sees what this person is about this kind of blame shifting though can keep your own self-blame going and the victimhood they're constantly expressing may just be more of the same especially if you're in a relationship with a vulnerable narcissistic person and it can be exhausting and eye rolling to have to listen to all of this then there

is something that happens in narcissistic relationships called persecutory thinking and that's always something that's there for narcissistic people this is where the victimhood stuff goes a step further because when the narcissistic person starts to crack and collapse they start veering into the belief that there is a Witch Hunt trying to bring them down and they will identify a group some group out there that they believe is out to get them which is grandly ironic because the folks who are so willing to launch a smear campaign against you we'll call it a Witch Hunt when things

start falling apart for them now this goes beyond just victimhood but to something bigger it can almost feel on the margins of being conspirator torial but basically that the whole world or their whole company or whatever some circle of people around them is or the Arc of History has all ganged up on them at this point the narcissistic person's bottoming bottoming out starts to sound a little crazy and depending on how they are and who they are some of that persecutory spiraling may happen on social media this outcome is a reminder that now the world

sees that they are not that well put together and it may even if this happens UNG Gaslight you a little bit but it's still hard to watch now as part of this sort of narcissistic collapse thing sometimes you'll sort of see them turn to a good Optics oriented intervention so what do I mean by that interestingly when some narcissistic folks start to bottom out and have that big blow up depending on how public it is or the impact it has on other people or if it's happens in a place where it has real consequences like

in the workplace or they do it in a public forum again that's social media or say things that you just don't say they may if they have the money check in somewhere to address their issues obviously if it's narcissism not sure that going into treatment is going to address that but it may get at some of the anger stuff but more than anything it May lift the some of the heat off of them and just be good Optics look at me I did something bad and may think it looks better if it seems like they're

doing something direct to address that listen if you're in a relationship with them at least it gets them out of the house for or the office for a few weeks I'm not sure the effects of any of this will last long but it may just quiet things down for a little bit until they heat up again related to this may be that either they come out of their time away seeking help or intervention could be that they now come into a world of new age renewal and they may start spouting off about their meditation practice

and their mindfulness time and their intentions and they may speak more softly and wear clothes made of hemp and sandals and maybe they grow a beard and talk about light and love and energy and before you know it watch out if you're the one who disrupts their chakras and their flow and schedule something that conflicts with their silent meditation time and they may become as obsessive and sort of communal narcissistically about their Awakening and you will love this they may even tell you you that you're holding on to too much anger somehow they can turn

spiritual and meditation practices into gaslighting but again maybe the meditation time especially the silent meditation could just be a time that they're quiet and leaving you the hell alone but it can feel hypocritical to hear them proz about telling people to let the anger go in their whisper hemp voice after turning your sympathetic nervous system into mush with their rage for so many years in some cases the shame about their collapse and bottoming out may be managed by substance use we know narcissism and addiction are highly correlated right but the narcissistic person may just go

on a bender and this is more likely if the narcissistic person has a history of doing this or a history of addiction this collapse may result in a relapse in someone who has been sober in some cases I got to tell you I've witnessed this many many times and narcissistic injury is a risk for relapse that is often not sufficiently addressed when we talk about addiction treatment the fact is though this can be dangerous especially if they're doing dangerous things like not only using or drinking but also driving or that if they're using substances that

have a low threshold for Dangerous outcomes such as narcotics this can be very painful if you're co-parenting with someone in such a situation and especially if this person is resistant to listening to you about treatment or doing dangerous things things now obviously the ultimate danger when a narcissistic person hits a place of collapse is of self-harming thoughts or behaviors and these risks may be heightened in vulnerable narcissistic folks but these ego collapses and deflations and injuries can literally feel insurmountable for people with this personality style especially if they experienced a massive loss of face publicly

because once you get past the grandiose and entitled stuff there is a lot of insecurity and fragility and if this is someone who is very close to us no matter how angry we are at them we can't save them and we can't be their therapist I'm a therapist and I would never take this role for a loved one I would always turn to Professionals for help if I felt that things were escalating to a dangerous situation if you have any concerns about the physical safety or self harm regarding someone in your life who is who's

talking or behaving like this narcissistic not narcissistic it doesn't matter don't worry about them getting angry call Emergency Services because this is an actual risk and whatever risky or self-harming behaviors are being engaged in or threatened may not only harm them they can also harm other people you cannot fix this yourself you need professional and emergency assistance if something like this is unfolding to keep them and everyone else safe but these collapses are real and can culminate in some pretty severe situations what is painful for people who witness these situations when the so-called mask falls

off when there is this collapse when the whole thing deflates the private behavior that they seem to be able to hold back on in public pops into public you might actually think that this is the penny drop moment that this might be the Catal for change in this relationship or at least a real apology and the answer to that is probably not there still may be lots of blame shifting withdrawing more anger than before acting out or more performative stuff like incense sound baths and meditation and treating you like an unawakened unenlightened fool when this

moment comes this moment of collapse if you will the best you can hope for is that other people see it and you may then feel more empowered to seek out help and have other people see the situation more clearly but a narcissistic person's ego collapse may still be something that is your problem and it can feel as though their inflated ego was your problem and now their deflated ego is also something you have to navigate and remember this doesn't always happen but when it does old trauma bonded patterns like guilt pity feeling like a bad

person can all surface for you be ready for that the narcissistic ego is as fragile as sponge sugar and when it crashes it splinters into lots of little pieces understanding what that could look like can help you with radical acceptance and being ready if it does in some ways it can feel like a moment of Liberation because you don't feel alone with it but the whole Cascade of the different kinds of reactions some of which can even be potentially dangerous can mean that this moment of narcissistic collapse if you don't know it's something that can

come in many ways it can look can once again take you by surprise and because the narcissistic person is not going to receive your feedback suggestions interventions of or suggestions in any way um you're often trying to once again solve an unsolvable problem so I hope that makes sense and again this collapse this deflation call it what you will is very real and if you're in one of these relationships you may have already experienced this sometimes this looks worse with vulnerable narcissists and with some grandiose narcissistic people this is the moment you can really see

it flip to a more vulnerable presentation I hope this was helpful thanks again