hello rains last episode we learned why assertive communication is typically the healthiest form of communication this episode we'll learn how to do it last time I asked you to leave comments with specific situations you'd like to know how to handle and you then a research tips and tricks to make being assertive in those situations easier and more effective before I get into those a quick recap of what assertive communication is assertive communication is expressing our feelings and needs clearly and honestly while respecting the feelings and needs of others you can learn more in this video
but basically if passive communication is like being a doormat and aggressive communication is like treating somebody else like a doormat a sort of communication is like knocking what does anybody have to be a doormat just let each other in there's only one problem assertive communication comes naturally to absolutely nobody it's a learned skill it takes practice and it's scary to ask for what we need what if we get rejected what if they don't care what we need what if we don't even know what our needs are if any of this sounds familiar here are five
tips I've found to make assertive communication easier 1 learn to recognize and name your feelings a lot of the time when we tell people how we feel we're actually making judgments about them I feel like you hate me I feel disrespected I feel ignored while these might be based on feelings they aren't feelings feelings are internal what we're actually expressing is our evaluations of their behavior which the other person may totally disagree with and therefore try to argue or dismiss which might be what's happening in Elizabeth's situation her mom is open to hearing what she
wants and how she feels but then gets frustrated and shuts down conversation when Elizabeth voices her opinion instead of when you don't call I feel like you hate me what can help is to focus on our actual feelings as opposed to our thoughts about those feelings when you don't call I feel anxious and lonely that's a lot harder to argue with if you're not comfortable talking about your feelings which let's face it most of us aren't easy exercise grab the nearest human and take turns naming random feelings happy sad annoyed ecstatic use it thesaurus if
you run out of ideas bitter and that's braided furious impassioned then try to recognize and name your feelings when they come up I feel old bored I feel excited when I do this exercise I feel silly I promise it's worth it to learn to recognize and name what you need this is a challenge because a lot of the time we don't know what our needs are we might think we just need somebody to do the dishes when what we actually need is for them to take on a more equal share of the chores we might
think we need someone we're dating to text more when what we really need is to feel secure in our relationship so for this tip practice looking for the need behind the need start with something you need then dig deeper why do I need this if you need a day off work because your friend is in town great just ask for a day off work but if you need a day off work because you're burnt out from working 80-hour weeks when what you really need might be a more sustainable work schedule and addressing that need in
one difficult conversation with your boss can prevent Quinten future ones we don't have to tell people everything but another benefit of getting to the bottom of our needs is that people are generally more supportive of our solutions if they understand why we need them three start with low stakes situations if you're shy about practicing assertive communication you can do what Chris suggests start with safe people and easy situations let your best friend know you have a headache and ask them to turn down the music ask the friendly waiter for extra whipped-cream on ear Awful's without
apologizing this can make you feel empowered and build up your communication skills and confidence which can prepare you for more difficult situations like when the stakes are higher or there are power dynamics at play like talking to your boss a link to a great TEDx talk about this for be aware of your body communication isn't just the words we use it's also our body language and tone if we're using assertive language while standing over somebody who's sitting it can come across as aggressive if our tone is timid it can come across as passive if we're
sobbing or screaming it's hard to get taken seriously in EHD can make it hard to regulate our emotions as a sureiy puts it our reactions can be extreme and as we get more emotional our cognitive ability declines so there's kind of a point of no return after which it's basically impossible for us to make rational decisions like step away from a toxic conversation but if we're at least aware of our tone of voice we can change it to better suit the situation and being aware of our body can help us recognize when we start to
get upset which can be a good cue to step away before we hit that point of no-return finally five don't wait it's important that we speak up about situations that are problematic for us as early as possible before they become a regular occurrence especially if someone is mistreating or taking advantage of us for example last week I visited a friend from another country and it was great the only problem was that she was putting me down all the time and I didn't say anything about it I thought well it doesn't matter that much it doesn't
hurt me that much she didn't a big deal but the problem with this was that she was saying meaner and meaner things because I accepted them when we don't call out behavior that hurts us it tends to continue and even get worse and once it's already part of the relationship dynamic it's a lot harder to change the same is true of our needs if we establish a relationship where we're always putting the other person's needs first even if it's for a good reason it's not sustainable for us it also leaves us open to being taken
advantage of it's good to be understanding of other people's limitations but it's important to remember that we have limitations - if we're clear about those early in a relationship it's a lot easier to make sure everyone's needs are taken into consideration moving forward that's five tips for making assertive communication easier of course we can't control people needs conflict and everybody is an individual who may react differently so assertive communication doesn't guarantee we'll get what we want in fact in healthy relationships we won't always get what we want but if we're regularly assertive in our communication
we'll get what we need thank you to my brain advocates and all my patreon brains for assertively telling me to make more episodes by supporting me on patreon if you liked this video like subscribe click all the things and I will see you next episode babies [Music]
