hello and welcome to day 24 of 30 skills in 30 days for better relationships in this section we're going to learn about assertiveness now i am not a natural at this but like all skills it is a skill that you can learn and practice until you're good at it this video is sponsored by better help where you can get professional affordable online counseling for around $65 a week so check out the link in the description for 10% off your first month so I am not the most assertive person I thought I was and the more
I get the further I get into parenting and into my relationships the more I'm realizing that i'm actually like I struggle with assertiveness um let me give you an example one time my in-laws were in town and we had ordered some thai food my husband had gone and picked it up I was really looking forward to my pad thai my masaman curry my little cream cheese dumplings and when my husband gets back he opens up the package and it was not the food we had ordered and so my in-laws are sitting down they're eating it
anyway and they're like oh um this soup is really spicy oh this is some weird dish what is this and I don't like spicy food and um I just really wanted the food that I had ordered I was really hungry and my mother-in-law keeps saying like Emma come sit down and eat come sit down and eat and I was like no I'm just gonna you know I'm just gonna go get I'm just gonna go back to the the restaurant and get the you know the food I'll just go drive don't worry about it I'll just
go drive and my mother-in-law keeps saying Emma come sit down and I'm like like but I didn't say to her you know I didn't really say anything and then eventually the restaurant calls my husband and says hey are you ryan we had two orders for ryan and we gave you the wrong one uh we have your food your whole food ready here come get it so then at that point my husband goes drives up gets the food and comes back and we had thai food but while my husband was gone my mother-in-law was like Emma
like do you hate me and I was like what no I don't hate you what are you talking about and she's like I kept saying like Emma come eat the food and you didn't even answer me and I was like no like I don't hate you I just was trying to avoid conflict I didn't actually want to say like no I don't want to eat that food I want to eat the food I ordered I was like too afraid to say that and so instead I said nothing which then sent the message to my mother-in-law
that I just was ignoring her that I wasn't talking to her that I you know didn't think she was worth responding to so when I was trying to like keep the peace and just not like have conflict basically not try to say no I'm not gonna eat that food you guys are telling me to eat that left her feeling insecure and uncertain in the relationship and I wasn't being assertive and that was you know my lack of assertiveness was causing problems in the relationship so let's talk a little bit more about how to be assertive
in a way that's respectful in relationships because being assertive really can improve your relationships make people feel more secure around you and help you have better self-esteem and more certainty with yourself this video is one section it's one day for my online course 30 skills in 30 days for better relationships in that course I teach essential skills like changing your mindset solving problems conflict resolution skills and a few dozen other skills that are essential for healthy productive relationships it's a course for couples parents or co-workers really anyone who gets to interact with other humans on
a regular basis the full course includes daily exercises to lay the foundation of connection and warmth and positivity in your relationships plus a guided workbook and these videos plus extra links and resources so check it out the link is in the description okay back to the video so in order to be a good communicator you need to be able to help people understand you and to do that you need to be assertive being assertive means expressing your thoughts feelings and needs in an open and respectful way it means standing up for yourself and others assertiveness
is crucial for a good relationship and it builds self-esteem because when you're being more truthful to your values beliefs and opinions you have more integrity you're more honest with yourself both inwardly and outwardly people who have been trained early in life to be deferential or overly accommodating might assume that assertiveness is disrespectful but being assertive does not mean that you should act hostile aggressive or controlling assertiveness is actually an act of respect both for you and others and while assertiveness is respectful it's also sometimes uncomfortable being assertive requires you to speak up in a way
that may make you or others feel awkward it requires you to be vulnerable in expressing your wants and opinions and needs and while this may not feel easy or comfortable it's best for relationships in the long run because it's honest and it's straightforward we all learned habitual communication styles from childhood but most of us are unaware of how we communicate so let's look at four types of communication styles passive aggressive passive aggressive and assertive the first three tend to be easier in the short term but more harmful to relationships in the long run passive communication
looks like keeping your head down or avoiding conflict it often takes the form of going with the flow always giving in to other people's requests whether they're real or imagined and avoiding expressing your own wants or needs passive people often look incredibly busy because they're rushing around trying to do everything for everybody passive communication often feels comfortable initially because conflict is avoided and you seem kind and selfless but in the long run people feel unsafe around you because they don't know what you really think people who communicate passively often feel frustrated exhausted and maybe even
like others are taking advantage of them because this form of communication undermines trust it also undermines relationships so here's some examples of passive communication you want pizza tonight um okay that's great when you really wanted sushi or your boss asks you to take on another project when you're already overloaded and you just say oh sure I can do that right now let's talk about aggressive communication aggressive communication tries to force others to do what we want even if it's at the expense of their own wishes and the relationship it can be controlling to the point
of violence like verbally or physically most adults who use an aggressive style feel insecure afraid or powerless and like the bully on the playground they compensate by trying to control others now while aggression may be an attempt to solve problems quickly it often leads to more relationship problems in the future here are some signs of aggressive communication you believe that yelling is the only way to get things done you feel like people are always out to get you and if you don't defend yourself you'll be taken advantage of or you use a lot of blaming
language like you language like you always you never okay now let's talk about passive aggressive communication when you feel angry upset or like others have mistreated you but you don't want to address the problem directly you're probably using the passive aggressive style of communication you may gossip use guilt trips and sarcasm or you might secretly undermine others or hope for their failure passive aggressive communication is an attempt to get what you want without taking responsibility for what you want it undermines relationships because you say one thing but you feel another so here are some signs
of passive aggressive uh communication gossip talking badly about people behind their back venting about someone instead of directly addressing the issue sarcasm it lets us get a jab in at someone but it avoids taking the blame because it was you know just a joke undermining it's intentionally doing a task or a project poorly so that we won't be asked to do it again in the future or to you know we undermine we do a task poorly just to prove that their way was wrong that you know instead of expressing our opinion or accepting the group
decision we just do a bad job to prove that their way was the wrong way and another sign is triangulation so basically anytime you're talking to others about a person instead of trying to solve a problem with the person that's usually passive-aggressive communication okay and now let's talk about assertive communication so assertive communication is when you respect others and yourself it looks like using I language like I think I feel I would like um it includes stating your opinion respectfully so you say pizza tonight um actually I'm kind of tired of pizza how about sushi
assertive communication looks like clear feedback so if someone turns in some work that's not done right you say hey this this report still needs some work how about you take a look at it with you know tom from accounting and then come back and bring it back to me in a couple days when it's fixed assertive communication looks like direct problem solving so saying something like hey boss I'm having some trouble collaborating with julie on the johnson account I think it might help if we had more clearly defined roles and objectives on the project assertiveness
may not always feel comfortable but it is most helpful in the long run so for example if you're trying to decide where to go for dinner and your partner suggests pizza but you want sushi being assertive means you say I'd rather have sushi tonight what do you think about that that might feel a bit uncomfortable or it might disappoint the other person initially but in the long run you'll avoid the uncertainty that harms relationships over time it doesn't mean being assertive doesn't mean that you're gonna get sushi it means that you at least have the
conversation about whether you're going to have pizza or sushi or go out for mexican right trying hard to always just go with it or never make anyone sad will or or never inconvenience anyone is going to lead to feelings of frustration and a lack of honesty and security in the relationship assertiveness is not the same as demanding controlling or always getting what you want it's about openly expressing yourself in an honest and kind way some people mistake kindness for never making the other person feel bad but if someone has a huge piece of food stuck
in their teeth when you tell them they'll initially feel a little embarrassed this is going to be uncomfortable but they'll be grateful not to go the whole day with food in their teeth giving honest feedback or correcting a child or honestly telling your partner what you like in bed can all feel pretty uncomfortable but they can also be the steps that help improve the relationship over time Nick Wignall said most of us have a hard time communicating assertively because in one way or another we're afraid being assertive can take effort because sometimes others respond negatively
and that can feel uncomfortable it can be easy to fall into the rut of communicating passively because we're afraid of what others think or we're afraid of being judged or we just don't want to deal with the hassle or drama of standing up for what we want we may communicate aggressively because we want to feel powerful or in control and this might help lessen our insecurities and when we communicate passive aggressively we want to relieve our internal anger or hurt without taking the responsibility for the consequences of it in both of those situations we're letting
fear make our decisions for us and while these three communication styles may help us avoid conflict or negative feelings in the short term they always undermine relationships in the long run people feel like they can't trust you you either don't say what you think at least not to their face or you blow up and when we communicate this way we lose our self-esteem we distance ourselves from others and we invite others to feel unsafe around us assertiveness on the other hand is often more uncomfortable in the short term but it leads to lasting benefits in
order to speak assertively we may feel anxious or we might feel nervous or will feel vulnerable or uncertain of how others will respond and saying what you really think and feel requires vulnerability opening yourself up letting others see you and risking rejection changing over to speaking more assertively may be met with some initial resistance from family or friends who aren't used to hearing what you really think they might tell you that you're being selfish or rude but in the long run assertive communication is worth it because it lays the foundation for healthy relationships being assertive
has many benefits it can help you gain self-confidence and self-esteem it can decrease anxiety and dependency it can improve trust in relationships it can lead to less resentment towards others it can help you understand and recognize your feelings it can help you earn respect from others improve communications create win-win situations it can improve your decision-making skills and create more honest relationships and it can help you have more job satisfaction it's a mistake to look at someone who's assertive and say oh it's easy for her she has good self-esteem one of the ways you build self-esteem
is by being assertive when it's not easy to do so there are always times when self-assertiveness requires courage no matter how high your self-esteem so here are some keys to assertiveness examine your underlying beliefs check out the attached quiz which I've adapted from easy to love difficult to discipline and see if you believe more in assertiveness aggression or passivity value yourself and your opinions know your needs and wants recognize the difference between being kind and being avoidant express corrective feedback in a positive loving way we're going to talk more about this in the chapter on
giving and receiving feedback giving feedback can be a really important way to improve relationships but you've got to learn how to do it in a respectful and helpful way to be assertive you have to learn to say no you have to know your limits and not let others take advantage of you and being assertive often requires you to work in a collaborative way to look for option c alternatives that everyone can agree on you keep the focus on what's best for the we instead of for just you or me and when you can keep your
eye on that goal everyone can feel good about the outcome even if it involves a sacrifice and with many topics you can agree to disagree you can still be assertive but not always get your way okay so how do we practice being assertive one of the easiest ways to learn this is to start by practicing with safe people first so ask family or friends if you can practice with them you could also practice with like little tiny things like asking for a different table at a restaurant or asking for extra peanuts on a flight practice
ahead of time so before you're in an intense situation so if you're if you want to ask for a raise from your boss or you want to you know give some feedback to someone you practice ahead of time you could write it down or say it in a mirror just getting your words ready so that in the heat of the moment you have something that you could say the other thing you can do is just pause for a long time before responding to a request that can give you some time to think about what you're
going to say before you say it if asking for what you want isn't working you may need to set a boundary a boundary is about what you will do in response to their behavior whether that's with a child with a spouse or at work so you could say something like you know if you don't make your bed then you don't get to then I won't let you play with your friends today or at work if you don't abide by the contract I will be forced to pursue legal action right so setting a boundary can help
reinforce assertiveness if it's an area that you can't set a boundary on then really it's just a request and you can still be assertive in making a request but knowing the difference is all about knowing where is your locus of control and I go into that a lot more in my videos on boundaries be willing to make imperfect decisions make a decision without being totally sure of whether it's the right thing or what you want so being assertive requires you to put yourself out there a little bit you can practice by saying no to unreasonable
requests stop over apologizing stop trying to manage how others feel so act on the value of being kind don't act on trying to prevent others from being hurt that's out of your realm of control learn to tell the difference between feeling guilty and being guilty in enmeshed relationships others often try to guilt-trip you to make you change your behaviors but just because something feels uncomfortable or it makes you or makes others feel bad it doesn't mean you've done something bad feeling guilt can be a chance to examine your motives and your actions and to ask
the question did I actually do something wrong if you didn't do anything wrong there's nothing to fix there's nothing to repair it's just a feeling so learn to tolerate that feeling without needing to act on it okay I hope some of these tips are helping you learn how to communicate more assertively and as you do so that's going to help you improve your relationships looking forward to seeing you tomorrow on day 25 we're going to talk about flooding
