today I'm going to give you my top three argument responses that will keep somebody from getting defensive it's my favorite advice that I use every single day when I walk into the office if they work for me I promise they're going to work for you too welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast we I'm going a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything if you're watching this on video you can see that it's the same car same Jefferson New microphone so we're going to see how this sounds if you enjoy learning tools
to improve your communication I'm going to ask you to follow this Channel and if you would please leave a review if you have any topic suggestions or feedback like feedback on this microphone I'm going to be looking at them when things start to get heated in a discussion and you can tell things aren't going well and temperatures are on the rise here are three responses that you can use right away to help turn a potential argument back down to a conversation number one you tell them what you agree with you tell them what you agree
with now hear me out that does not mean you need to agree with a single word of what they said instead of focus on the content of the message instead focus on the subject matter for example I agree that this topic is worth discussing I agree that we need to have this conversation when they hear the phrase I agree it automatically breaks down their wall number two you tell them what you've learned you tell them what you've learned for example after listening I've learned that this topic is important to you when you say I've learned
it makes them feel like they've educated it makes them feel like they're teaching and it makes them feel like you're growing in the conversation and makes them less defensive number three you tell them what's been helpful you tell them that they've been helpful for example that's helpful to know it's as easy as that thank you for telling me that's helpful to know whenever they hear that phrase help or helpful it makes them feel like they've invested in their own Mutual understanding and it makes them less defensive now as you can imagine I use these phrases
all the time because in my profession as an attorney I deal with conflict every day I get HED to handle somebody else's conflict and the crazy part is somebody else hires an attorney of their own to have conflict with me and so there are multiple ways where I have to use phrases that dampen conversations that stop things from getting too hot and heated and these phrases why I like them so much is that they help smooth things over when I can tell someone that I agree with something about what they said even the topic itself
even though it's surface level even though it's macro level just saying that to them calms it down or what they've been helpful or I've learned something or I'm thankful for something it helps keep the fire down and too often uh in my line of work people want to put push and push and push and feel like they can win an argument instead rather than letting them get defensive I smooth it down because you and I both know once somebody gets defensive in an argument it's over game over you're G to have time has to pass
before you can reach somebody when somebody gets defensive that communication is on lockdown for a while until it calms down uh so the idea with these phrases is that you never have to have that pause where they get defensive and you have to wait and then start over again instead it always keeps the levels low as soon as somebody gets defensive communication shuts down these phrases help that not happen so let's go deeper on response number one when you tell somebody what you agree with big emphasis here that does not mean that you need to
agree with the content of their message this is not about who's right and who's wrong your your your focus is in the wrong place if that's where your mind is going as um as a way to think about this instead of arguing over where the chair should be located around the kitchen table and where you should uh position the couch and rearrange the furniture that's too detailed go bigger where you going to live what city do you live in what street are you on you're going big macro into this communication not into the nitty-gritty detail
so instead of focusing on I don't agree with what you said forget that go to the subject do you agree that this subject is worth talking about if you do you find something about it that you can't agree on for example I agree that this is something we should talk about I agree that this is a conversation worth having that is incredibly powerful stuff somebody is trying to talk to you and you can feel that they're getting defensive and you just calmly say I agree that this is something we should talk about I agree that
we should talk about this I agree that this topic is worth discussing instantly it's going to pull down their guard they're going to go oh great okay we can have some communication we can communicate he this person does understand there is going to be acknowledgement there and so you keep the argument down you you go back to a conversation because they don't feel like they have to the push and press and prove to you so these are phrases that really do mean a lot with the disclaimer here I want to make sure I add this
you have to make sure that when you use these phrases that I'm teaching you you do them with true intent don't use these phrases to manipulate somebody so don't say you agree that this conversation is worth having when you don't don't say that you agree that this is this topic is worth is worth discussing when you don't that's that's manipulative when you try to control their emotions in a way that is not true and not genuine that is a a bad place to go and I don't want you to use these phrases for that these
phrases are when your intent and heart is true in it so don't if you don't find that what they said was helpful if you don't find that you've learned something then don't say that but if you have I'm going to ask that you be more objective in the conversation rather than trying to pin and poke in every which way to make them wrong and and try to control their behavior that's manipulative and I don't want that to happen so with number one the f Fus here is don't Focus originally on the content focus on the
structure of the conversation that is can you agree that this communication needs to happen and if you can use that phrase because it's going to make them less defensive on the second response where you tell them what you've learned I want you to put yourself in position of student and teacher in that moment you are trying to what we've talked about in other episodes you're having something to learn not something to prove so when you can use the phrase I've learned thank you for telling me I I've learned something new here I've learned this topic
is important I learned that you really care about this I learned this is special to you when you say I've learned it it makes it a student teacher mentality to where you're saying this is something new for me I am getting this information I am now inputting it into my system and I've learn something we're growing we're progressing in this communication and it makes them less defensive because it it makes feel like they've taught something they're going great I I have shared a part of myself that you are taking and acknowledging and accepting and now
we can have this communication without me feeling like I have to get defensive in any way it's very much the same thing for response number three and that is you tell them that they've been helpful the word help is very critical there because everybody loves to be helpful they want to feel like they've been helpful people just it makes us feel good if I feel like I've helped somebody else it makes me feel good if I can help somebody uh understand more about me or understand more about something else that's important to me so when
you are in that position where they have shared something with you and you can say that's helpful to know instantly it relieves that pressure of them having to feel like they're proving something to you that they have to get defensive you're saying that's that's helpful for me to know and so you are telling them you're being helpful to me they're going great awesome okay we can be in this together I help you you help me that way we can communicate it's that two levels of there's understanding and acknowledgement and when you have that together that's
called connection and it's an awesome thing okay this is one of my favorite parts of the episode I get to read a email from a follower so I have a Weekly Newsletter where I send a communication tip right to your inbox once a week and those that are on the newsletter are able to email me and I can email them back and answer any questions it's a lot of fun for me and if you're not part of that newsletter you can easily join it's for free it's somewhere there in the show notes below so I
got my other phone here this one I'm gon to pull up real quick all right this one is Drew from Denver Drew says what's up Jefferson love your content bro thanks true appreciate that bro he says hey I got an issue there's a guy at work that I work with he is right across the cubicle from me it doesn't seem like anything I say goes well and anything I try to say to make it better does not work he always seems to get defensive with me do you have any advice I appreciate you drew I
feel you man so there are times when you're just wanting to make somebody feel like I'm listening I'm listening it does not mean you have to get to defensive with me understand that that says more about them than it does about you as long as you're keeping your intent true that you have something to learn in the conversation rather than something to prove and you can stay curious in that conversation a lot of the defensive mentality is is more revealing of what's going on in their life than something that you are doing or not doing
right or wrong so I wanted you to focus on the phrases that we spoke about today and that is I can agree I can agree this is worth discussing you didn't give me really any topic of maybe something that you spoke about with this colleague but let's assume drew that maybe he's coming in to talk about this report and he doesn't feel like you're listening with him or he doesn't feel like somebody else is listening to him sometimes people let's say this is applicable to a lot of people where somebody in their world especially in
the workplace is always the victim they always play the victim card and so one way to try to minimize that is to say I agree or I can understand why you'd feel that way I can understand why you'd feel that way I can get where you're coming from you're not accepting what they've said you're also not agreeing with what they said so you're not agreeing you're not disagreeing you're staying neutral in it because anything else you add is just going to add more fuel to the fire here in terms of keeping them from getting defensive
I want you to focus on I can agree that this is something that we need to talk about I agree that we should be talking about this to management I agree that X Y and Z it's going to be a strong phrase for you anything of I learned or that's been helpful you may not be using the second one learn but you'll probably you can probably use that's helpful to know that's helpful to know I like that that's that's good feedback any of that kind of thing that you can help stay neutral in the conversation
is going to be beneficial to you so overall Drew understand that people getting defensive there's nothing wrong with that it's all about how you respond to it that's going to keep an argument uh from getting worse and going back down to a conversation so I want you to focus on those phrases I can agree with uh it's helpful to know or going more to people who are in a victim mindset and that might be a I can understand why You' think that I totally get why why you'd say that any way that you can acknowledge
what they're saying without adding fuel to the fire thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast if you enjoy today's episode I'm going to ask you to please follow this Channel and if you would leave a review or a star there is a place where you can leave comments and if you have any feedback about maybe this microphone that I use for the first time uh any questions you had about the episode just throw them in there I get to read them I see them myself and like them and hard them and it means
a lot to me you you can listen to this podcast wherever you like to listen whether it's on Amazon Spotify Apple YouTube and as always you can try that and follow me
