What to Say When You Cry in an Argument

so you're in a heated argument and out of nowhere you feel it tears starting to well up in your eyes and no matter how much you're fighting it there's just no stopping them from coming what do you do when you cry in an argument welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything if you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast and please please leave a review if you have any questions or topic suggestions just

leave them in the comments what do you do when you cry in an argument I'll tell you absolutely nothing don't you dare for one second be ashamed or embarrassed that you cry do you feel embarrassed or ashamed when your shoulders get tense or your jaw gets tight or your eyebrows go down because your body's not liking the situation your body's reacting naturally to what's happening do you apologize then of course you don't it's the same thing for when you cry it is just biology it's what happens it is your stress in liquid form so the

next time you feel tears starting to well up in your eyes this is what I want you to do here's some three roles I'm going to give you right now number one don't ever apologize for it don't say I'm I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm crying right now gez I'm so sorry I'm so embarrassed absolutely not I will not allow that I won't allow that word you there's nothing to be ashamed of there's nothing you should be apologizing for it's how your body is responding unless you're crying about a topic that

you know it's it's maybe it's funny maybe it's something that it's not appropriate to cry at but I can't even Envision that don't apologize for what your body is naturally responding to in that moment number two don't even acknowledge them that means when you're in an argate with someone and you're having a difficult conversation and it's a difficult moment and you start to cry don't even acknowledge them just wipe them away and keep on talking wipe them away and keep on talking if you can grab a tissue great if not just wipe them away and

keep on talking don't acknowledge them because if anything it serves as a distraction it calls attention to it number three if you need to label the tears what I mean by that is if you feel yourself crying you can say these are tired tears these are stressed tears these are tears that care these are tears that um are are understanding the importance of this moment you find different words to label the tears that doesn't feel like you're just crying to cry no it's your body responding to what is natural in that moment and let's talk

for a second about what crying is when you cry it activates your parasympathetic nervous system it is the opposite of your fight or flight mode this is your rest digest relaxation mode what that means is when you start to cry your body is helping you it is trying to release emotions it is trying to soothe you because in that moment in that argument in that fight your body's telling you something your body's saying hey you're stress cup it's too full it's too full it's about to overflow let me take care of that for you and

it does that in a way that you can start to release emotions in the form of liquid that's it so the higher the tension the higher the release that's why it makes sense when you cry to say I'm these are just calm tears my body's calming down no this this is these are tears that that care I'm listening keep talking see what I mean when you just say say to the other person keep talking even when you're crying keep talking I'm listening in other words don't worry about this this is just my body taking care

of myself see what I'm doing right now this is normal this is uh natural let's let's get rid of the stigma that just because you're crying it means that you're trying to get attention just because you're crying it means that you can't take the present moment no it's your body fully prepared and equipped to handle the conflict in front of you there's nothing wrong with it so so understand that when the tears come it is your body calming you down it is your body acting and processing exactly the way it was made and if you

followed my content for any amount of time you're going to recognize this phrase when you claim it you control it and I say it because it's applicable in many different contexts especially when it comes to crying when you claim it you control it what it means is when you say things out loud when you you say how you're feeling out loud you're able to control that emotion better by acknowledging it out in the open so instead of saying I'm sad and becoming the emotion it's I can tell I'm feeling sad and now you've separated and

distan yourself from that feeling and now you can process it now you can deal with it now you can communicate about it rather than bottling it up all inside of you and that's why labeling is so important when you can say to the other person I can tell that I'm frustrated or I can tell these are these are tired tears keep talking I'm listening then it's no problem because it looks like you're emotionally intelligent it looks like you're the person who's more in control than rather what's going on with you what's happening oh I don't

want to talk about it and you're just bottling it up all inside so when you can claim it you control it and it makes you so much more confident in that moment that you're not worried about crying you're not worried about tears instead you're focused on communicating in the moment in that present conversation and I also want to touch on what do you do when someone else is crying in front of you in an argument so you're in a conversation oneon-one what do you do when the other person begins to cry well here's what you

don't do you don't do oh okay this again you don't do that you don't say oh okay fine got it all right yes you got to cry fine and act like it is some inconvenience to you that's a problem that's that's that is toxic Behavior to act that way that is immature emotionally immature to say oh this again okay all right I guess we'll just take a time out no we're not going to do that if somebody is crying in an argument you don't address it same thing for rule number two for when you're the

one crying you don't address it you just continue to keep talking with them that means you don't break eye contact that means you don't say do you mean need a minute you need a mimit it's it's fine no you you don't break any of that communication you still look at them like a normal person and understand they're just talking you wouldn't do that say you need a break if you see their shoulders get tense so you're just going to say nothing and continue to talk don't acknowledge it if you need anything at all if you

were to do anything it might be to if a tissue is nearby grab it and just hand it to them and keep on talking or keep on listening but don't at all make them feel ashamed don't at all try to make them feel like they're an inconvenience to the conversation because they can't help it in many ways now I will say that there are some because I I understand this that this is very true some people will use tears as manipulation I mean we get it from kids my my four-year-old she uh I have a

six-year-old son and a four-year-old daughter and don't get me wrong they both can turn on the Waterworks like a faucet at any time and they can quickly turn it off but that's all the more reason why you can't acknowledge it in that moment now if it's indication that they're upset it's different with kids let's put this in terms of mature adults hopefully mature adults when they feel like they're crying if you feel at all that they're manipulating the situation well then that's all the more reason for you not to acknowledge it it's not you being

dismissive it's you staying in the lane of the conversation saying no I'm I'm focused on the words I'm not focused on how your body is reacting In This Moment whether it's genuine whether it's sincere or not I'm focused on the words and how we're going to communicate this message back and forth okay now it's the part of the podcast where I get to read an email from a follower word then answer their question if you don't already know I have a newsletter where I send out one communication tip once a week right to your inbox

totally for free and those who respond I'm able to communicate with and I get lots of ask me uh questions amas that I try to respond here so I have the it'll be in the show notes that you can sign up for yourself if you'd like and I have one right here on my other phone so this one comes from Sandy she is over in Georgia in Georgia United States and uh Sandy says Hey Jefferson thank you so much I always watch your content thank thank you Sandy I find myself in the position of always

feeling like I'm a mess in difficult conversations I'm sorry Sandy I feel like I start to uh shake my voice gets to get shaky and I begin to cry a whole lot do you have any tips for me understand when I read these it's I'm trying to skip over personal details that they Sandy probably wouldn't want me to share so Sandy I'm sorry about that I I don't want you to feel as if you're having to always be a mess that you're trying to put yourself back together again that's one thing I want to highlight

would be my my first recommendation to you is don't say out loud I'm just a mess I need to give me a second I need to put myself together that's not the case your crying is your body putting yourself together your crying is your body soothing yourself so let's address two different issues one you said you you shake a lot you get nervous when you get nervous your voice is shaking in the conversation that's very natural that's very normal that is the um the fight and flight mode all right that's the adrenaline going through your

body and getting you all hyped and that often results in your muscles starting to shake because your muscles are reacting and ready to either fight or run from any given situation the way you control that is your breath Sandy is in and out and see how you can just relax those shoulders just like that so whenever you're in a situation where your voice is really shaky like that go back to your breath every time speak on the out breath often when you're shaking it's because you're holding ear breath because you feel nervous in that situation

and tenses everything up that's why sometimes we yell right we yell because our body is we bottled it up put a screw cap on it and all of a sudden when it's ready to explode we raise our voice just keep your breath calm and steady and as rhythmic as you can by that I mean try to keep it in a 4 seconds in hold it 4 seconds release it 4 seconds hold it 4 seconds it's box breathing is what they call that now to the other point of you feel like you're maybe just bubbling mess

I'm going to go back to what I said a minute ago don't be apologizing for crying and don't be feeling like you're some mess that you have to pick up off the floor you're going to be inconvenience for anybody there instead just label the tears to the best that you can I can tell that these are overwhelmed tears I can tell these are these are happy tears keep talking that's another point that I don't know if I've HD home enough it's okay to tell them keep talking even when you start to cry or you start

to tear up rather than acknowledging them and stopping the conversation you can tell them if they start to slow down a little bit and be like oh do you need some time wave it off there you can keep talking keep talking I'm listening in other words you're saying I'm not worried about what's happening you don't need to be worried about what's happening let's just keep talking in this conversation because my body is doing exactly what it's it's made to do so keep your breath calm and when you feel those tears come don't apologize for them

don't feel embarrassed about them and said just label them to whatever is honest and sincere and genuine in that moment all right the next time you cry in an argument what are we going to do number one we're not going to apologize we're not going to say I'm so sorry we're not going to make it feel like an inconvenience we are absolutely not going to apologize listen to me don't apologize for it there's nothing to be ashamed of number two we're not going to acknowledge them we're not going to stop the conversation and we're not

not going to allow the other person to stop the conversation instead we're going to say something like I'm listening you can keep going don't acknowledge them as if this is something that is totally normal and something that neither one of you should be afraid of number three if you need to label the tears meaning say the feeling that is triggering the fear these are tired tears these are tears that care ways that you can communicate because when you claim it you control it thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast if you enjoy today's

episode I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast and you can listen wherever you like to get your podcast whether it's on YouTube Apple Spotify Amazon and if you would please leave a review it really makes a difference I get to personally read them and like them and heart them myself and it really means a lot to me and as always try that and follow me