How to Sound Assertive

today we're talking about how to sound more assertive that feeling of being honest and direct but at the same time respecting the other person what does it sound like and how can you do it right away welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything if you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication I'm going to ask you to subscribe to this Channel and please leave a review if you have any topic suggestions just throw them in the comments you need to sound more

assertive here's what I want you to do number one stop over apologizing this is where you say I'm sorry so sorry in every single sentence I know it's a tick I know it's a habit but you got to stop and I'm going to explain why number two stop undervaluing what you have to say that's when you downgrade your comment before you even get it out again this is hurting your confidence and we're going to dive into it and number three get comfortable with the word no get comfortable disappointing people no is a complete sentence I

want you to think back to a conversation where you wish you would have sounded a little bit more assertive maybe it was at home with a partner or a spouse maybe it was at work with a cooworker or a boss a time where you wanted to be honest you wanted to be direct but you just couldn't find the words think back to that conversation in your mind and wonder what could I have said differently and here's what I need to tell you right out of the gate if you don't find your assertive voice you will

be walked over it will affect your confidence and it will affect the trajectory of your life it sounds harsh but it's it's very true now in my life where I found that I struggled with assertiveness the most was anytime I was new somewhere maybe it was a new school or a new law firm and I felt like I was crawling into it I found myself being differential to anybody and everything even at the sake of my own well-being and my own boundaries but what do you do you're new you you feel like you have to

do it well that's not exactly true when you find that assertive voice and you're able to say what you want to say and do it respectfully it will change your life and I mean for the better because people will take notice your reputation will change your credibility will change and man that's the good stuff so I'm going to throw out some scenarios to you and you let me know if any of them ring a bell you walk in 1 minute late to a meeting and the first thing out of your mouth is hey so sorry

I'm late when you throw all your stuff down or it took you two days to respond to somebody's email and the first word and your response back is so sorry so sorry I just saw this sorry I am just now getting back to you or you're trying to get somebody's attention and the first thing out of your mouth is so sorry hey uh so sorry 2 seconds hey so sorry I I just need to talk to you for a second you got to stop listen to me you have to stop those aren't apologies and if

they are well then you're just apologizing for all the wrong things you're apologizing for your existence you're apologizing for your time and you're apologizing for your priorities these aren't real apologies all right you're finding ways to to feel like you're an inconvenience to someone but let me tell you you're you're your worth is far more than just trying to feel that you're not an inconvenience to someone that you always have to prove that you're not an inconvenience so we're going to fix that and the way to do it is instead of saying I'm sorry you're

going to say thank you all right it's as simple as that instead of saying I'm sorry we're going to use words of gratitude like I appreciate or thank you so if you come in walking into that meeting and you're 30 seconds late you're one minute late nobody's expecting an apology for that now if you're 5 minutes late I think it's absolutely the right thing to apologize because at that point you're wasting their time but if you're just a few minutes late if you're barely o over the line it's okay to say thank you for your

patience thanks for waiting on me I appreciate your time that is assertive or if it's in the context of you sending it email to somebody instead of feeling like you need to say hey so sorry I'm just getting back to this just respond I appreciate your time thanks for your understanding thank you for your patience these are all things that they're going to say oh yeah well you're welcome I do have patience I do have understanding instead of you going hey so sorry this less um making you feel less in that way it's instead you're

being assertive with it you're standing in your presence and saying yeah I had other things to do I I appre appreciate your patience though in the context of the conversation of telling someone hey so sorry can can I have 5 Seconds you just erase it or you say hey when you get a moment I'd appreciate some of your time or I'd appreciate some of your time when you get a moment when you use words of gratitude it is a cycle of saying I am showing gratitude for your time at the same time they are appreciating

your presence in the conversation rather than you always apologizing for it now a separate but related topic to over apologizing is number two downplaying your words here you are cutting down what you have to say before you even get it out and you know what these sound like for example I hate to bother you but I mean this might be a dumb question but are you know probably better than me but these are all ways of chopping down what you have to say before you get it out and what's worse is it makes it look

like you have an insecurity when there may not be one for example when you say something like well I hate to bother you but I have this question on X Y and Z well before they actually answer the question you have to have this mini conversation about whether or not what you have to say does or does not bother them and 9 times out of 10 99% of the time they're going to say oh that that you're not bothering me you're fine and you go oh you're not oh okay great you're inserting something that's totally

needless into the conversation and I know why you're using these phrases all right I know why you're using it because it you want to sound differential you want to sound like you're coming in from a low angle a low perspective rather than a high angle as if you already know everything you expect them to want to talk to you so when you say I'm sorry to bother you you're trying to sound less harsh in the conversation but you don't sound that way it makes you sound like you don't believe in what you're saying so the

key to getting rid of downplaying your words is just not to do it you erase these phrases from your conversation or what I like to do and I recommend is that you add on to it so for example in the scenarios where you say hey this might be a dumb question but or this might be a stupid question instead say hey can I build on to that or hey can I take that further or hey I there's something I i' like to add to that when you add to conversations rather than shying away and taking

away from them it makes you sound far more assertive and there's something else I want you to understand about no number three is no is a complete sentence and here's what I mean by that stop feeling like you have to overe explain or Justify every action or inaction that you take when you say No period and leave it at that somebody asks you a question and you say no no instead of overe explaining and saying well no because well you know I have that thing and yeah I got the dog and we got this and

we got that all of a sudden you sound less assertive and you water it down no is all you have to say so the key here is to stop adding because to the end of no because it'll add more words to it and the more words you add the more it sounds like you're needing to explain and to justify and often the only word that you need to sound assertive is no now we're at the part where I am going to read a email from a follower if you were not part of my newsletter I

send out one email per week it's a communication tip right to your inbox totally for free and for those who respond and have questions about things I'm able to answer them and it's all a lot of fun this one comes from Daniel over in Canada Daniel says Hey Jefferson I love your comments uh your content thanks Daniel I find myself over apologizing constantly in my communication I know I'm supposed not supposed to do that but what are some practical ways that I can help remind myself in the moment I got it Daniel well it's a

little hard because it's my understanding I've never been there but people apologize a lot in Canada sorry and I might be wrong but I think it's a cultural thing too so it's it's not all your fault but if you want a very practical way to stop apologizing when you don't need to I have a little tip you can use now this might be a dad joke thing I fully admit that now that I'm to say it but it works every time you're about to say hey so sorry or I'm sorry when you don't need it

tell yourself in your head and catch yourself I'm not sorry I'm Daniel I'm not sorry I'm Daniel it's a reminder of who you are in that conversation you're not who your apology is you are Who Your Existence is you lean into that so I am not here to talk about my apologies I'm here to talk about who I am and what I need and how I need to assert my needs into this conversation and it's a very quick way that you can do that and I I hope it helps all right I got another one

this one is from Ashley up in Maine I've never been to Maine either I I guess I just need to travel travel more Ashley says Hey Jefferson I love your short practical videos thanks Ashley I find myself always cutting down my words my tick my habit is to say I could could be wrong but so I I get that the I could be wrong but it's a very easy phrase to slide in the reason you're wanting to say that is because you don't want to sound like you're know it all yeah it's you're you're not

wanting to sound like you're always right like you always know the answer so it's a little easier for you to hedge and say hey I could be wrong but it doesn't make you sound like that right just like we talked about it makes you sound like you don't believe in what you're going to say and I have a trick that I use with my own clients that I know is going to help you I want you to imagine Ashley all right that you are an attorney you have a suit on we're in a courtroom and

it's full and you need to speak on behalf of your client and your client is you it's a duplicate of you it looks just like you sounds just like you wears exactly what you're wearing right now and your client sitting down in a chair and you're the attorney you're in a full suit and you're standing up in front of everyone and you have to speak on behalf of your client and what are you going to say you're going to say my client needs to feel understood my client isn't going to accept that you're going to

feel much more Justified assertive you have to stand in that place of what your client needs and wants because you understand them well instead of saying my client actually I want you to tweak it and just say I instead of saying I could be wrong but say I need to know what's going on in this conversation I need to feel understood I need X Y and Z to say I need instead of my client needs it's going to make you feel like you have a brand new personality and now you can see where you always

say I could be wrong but instead of just getting rid of that and saying I need to make sure that I feel understood before we end this conversation you see how more assertive that makes you sound if you can do that is going to help your mindset the next time you find yourself in that situation the thing to know about sounding more assertive is that it helps you feel more confident and the more confident you feel the more assertive you're going to sound so it is a positive feedback loop and it really can change everything

because how you sound to somebody can change later let's say at the workplace of who gets chosen for what who gets promoted who gets demoted whose reputation is a certain way how you get known what your credibility is because you say what you mean and mean what you say how you say it and what you say is everything and when you use an assertive voice it's going to make sure that more success and more positive things happen in your life if you want to support this podcast and improve your communication I'm going to ask you

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