let's talk about what are the fundamentals that really can make a relationship work we call it the relationship pyramid there are three core elements go ahead and throw them on but we're going to start with the center if you want to know how do you win the game of relationship you got to know what the target is for victory the target is to get your partner to become your greatest raving fan how do you do that by doing more for them than anybody else on Earth loving them more sharing them more understanding them more but
if you want to have a raving fan relationship ship where you both are raving fans for each other the first step in this little triangle is you got to know what you really want and become the kind of person other people want to give to if you don't know what you want then you're going to settle for whatever shows up in a relationship remember the day I was going to get married in my first relationship and I was just a kid and I really didn't want to get married I was like I felt like I
was being cornered into it but I wanted to make her happy I was such a pleaser I become somebody others wanted to give to because I was a giver but I didn't know what I wanted so when I was considering ending my relationship I was scared but I rationalized it in my head that it wouldn't be good for the kids it wouldn't be stable for them so I waited till literally they all grew up and now it was just the two of us and then I wasn't willing to have another decade of that I was
39 I was about to turn 40 and there was something about that said I I I just can't do this for another decade so I made my list everything I wanted in a relationship what I wanted spiritually in this woman what I wanted emotionally what I wanted her to feel like what I wanted us to share together all the things mental emotional physical I wrote down so many details pages of notes and I was so Crystal Clear it was ridiculous and then I went through the list and I encourage any of you that are single
to do this wrote everything down and then I went through the list and crossed out everything that wasn't truly a must and then I made a second list which is what this is about I said okay if that's what I want what kind of person would I have to be to attract and not only attract but fulfill and keep a person in my life life fulfilled by being with me what kind of person would I need to be instead of just what do I want I wrote what I wanted by the way I also wrote
what I didn't want I encourage you to do that as well sometimes you get a list of what you want but there's a couple things you don't want that screw it all up here's what I really want here's what I don't want that's Clarity write down Clarity is power if you're single you need this Clarity if you're in a relationship as you'll see in a little bit you still need to know this cuz if you're already in a relationship you need a vision for to grow if your relationship is not deepening if it's not expanding
if it's not more loving and more passionate than last month or last year then you don't have a vision for it you had a vision you've already surpassed it or you've lived it we need a vision without a vision people perish so I Got Crystal Clear what do I want and I wrote down what I absolutely don't want and then I wrote what kind of person do I have to become then all I did guys is I read it every day for probably two months those days I used to have you know like your daytime
or time before you had your phones as that source and I'd read it every day and then gradually I got to a point where I'd read it a couple times a week and then I'll explain later on Sage and I were friends first we weren't dating and finally we started a date and we're on this date we were actually in Italy and I remember we're on this train the Orient Express and I was just so delighting in her and I'd only been reading this list at that point maybe once a week or twice a week
and I pulled the list right beside her and I read it to her and as I read it to her I crossed off everything she was everything I wanted none of what I didn't want most importantly I realized I saw the other list I'd become the man I needed to become to attract that to my life you know what's crazy Sage independently of me had done the exact same thing she made her list like a year before of what she really wanted in [Music] relationship even if you're in a relationship we want to say what's
the vision for this relationship ship what do you want your relationship to be about what would be the next level for you so what's the target for a great relationship you want to convert this soul to your raving fan cuz you anticipate everything for them but to get there you got to first know what's going to fulfill you you got to know what you want what you don't want and you got to decide who you're going to become what's the second step now you got to know what they really want you know what you want
you got to know what they really want what do they need what do they desire what do they value what do they believe believe what are their rules what are their fears so if I know what I want and I know what I don't want and I know who I got to become and now I know what you want need Desire by the way I always say life is the dance between what you desire most and what you fear most that's where people's relationships are the relationship is as small or as big as you can
expand these if you want a greater life fear less and desire more expand your desires weaken your fears don't indulge in them but once I know what I want what I don't want and who I need to become and I'm working on it and then I know everything you want and need then what's the last step give it to you give them what they want and need and here's the most important key word get addicted to finding new ways of giving them pleasure see if I know what I want I know what I don't want
I know what I got to become there's Clarity there's power I can attract what I want now I got to know what you want in every well what you don't want and now I want to get a addicted to overd delivering and giving you more than you want cuz I know what it is I can do it I win I get to take you my raving fan and if I make you my raving fan you're likely to do the same for me and if you don't I'll learn that over time and I'll just keep giving
and be a greater lover and when it's time to make a decision I'll make that decision and I'll find the right relationship that's really fundamentally what we do now outside this triangle these three elements there's two elements final ones that affect it all cuz you can know what you want sort of not be quite clear what they want sort of kind of meet their needs sort of but what's going to determine whether you really do that or not is what I call Select and connect you see it outside the circle select and connect selection please
write this down selection is 90% of the success or failure in a relationship picking the right person so your nature is aligned you go Tony but I don't know how to pick the right person I've done a terrible job or I'm already in a relationship where were you when I needed you before I made this decision let me clarify when I say select and connect I don't just mean who you select to be in a relationship and then you connect with them I mean which part of you you select to bring to this relationship cuz
there's many parts right when you first were engaging to attract someone to your life you were very conscious about which part of you showed up up but when the law of familiarity gets there often times we stop innovating we keep doing the same thing or we stop marketing stop thinking about how we're coming across what we're communicating where they're meeting their needs how we look what we share none of that matters and it really does matter that's why I say to people I go well I've already selected I'm already in this relationship what do I
do you select a better you to bring to the table if you bring your playfulness if you bring your kindness if you bring your love if you bring your generosity if you bring your passion to the table you bring that part of you this relationship's going to flourish so select and connect it's 95% of a relationship is selecting which part of you you're going to consciously bring to your relationship every single day and then being conscious see what a great relationship does you know how it's the right relationship is you want to be better for
the one you love it makes you be better than you'd even be for yourself someone who brings out the best in you that you naturally do that that's incredible but you got to start by you bringing at the best in you and if that person is someone who pulls from you the desire to be more that's a great relationship not the desire to pretend or be fake or do something that you can't sustain I mean the best parts of you that you can sustain and then the bottom part of that relationship component see once you
select and connect then you got to just consistently improve and nurture the relationship the relationship you have with yourself meeting your own needs cuz then you're going to feel better and you're going to initiate together and your partner is going to see and feel you in a different way instead of they sh work out or we have to do this see if you can just nurture your relationship with yourself and your relationship with your partner and you do that ongoing and you keep selecting and connecting from the best part of you and you know what
you want and you know what they want and need and you keep giving to each other and you're both ready fans you're got a legendary relationship and everybody's around how do you do it it isn't luck it's consciousness [Music]
