hey hi everyone my name is Jerry wise and I want to talk today about narcissistic parents and how they failed to prepare you for a healthy adult life and please watch the whole video at the end I've got some self- differentiation helps and tips for you at the end of the video so how did they not prepare you for a healthy adult life and again one of the things is if we can understand how they didn't do it then we can get insight in we can do it today for ourselves first of all you know
they programmed a malignant normaly and that was done by a whole different uh many means where we view the world and have subjectivity about the world that's all broken unclear fearful mistrusting all those things and and even abuse where abuse is normal that's malignant normaly and I think also when people and and myself as well when I discovered my family had its issues I realized I had thought it had not had issues for so long that's a part of that malignant normaly that just kind of blinds us to seeing what's really going on second of
all they will do this programming by a lack of emotional support narcissistic parents focus on their needs and emotional needs and not yours especially during The crucial development as children when we're growing up our difficult times through adolescents and then even launching into adulthood and being launched into the world often gets mucked up because of the narcissism in the family thirdly poor role modeling if this is the model of relationships that we're seeing then again this is very difficult for us to learn what is a healthy relationship what do healthy adults do and if there's
unhealthy coping mechanisms unhealthy communication issues problematic interpersonal relationships which narcissistic parents often have and even between them as Mom and Dad and that what we find is that this role modeling becomes a real problem for us because we don't have a healthy role model we may learn a few things about from other friends parents from teachers fortunately from other people who might influence in our life thank heavens but at home it will be pretty messed up fourthly conditional love that's something we learned teaching children that love and acceptance are conditional based on achievement or compliance
with the parents demands rather than it being unconditional you're loved no matter what you know even if you misbehave even if you do something wrong even if you hurt someone you're still loved we may need to get you some help you know we may get to you know but you are still loved in this family and often that was not the case fifthly underdeveloped social skills due to limited exposure to healthy social interactions or being kept in overly controlled environments children might struggle with forming and maintaining friendships no you can't go over to Mary's house
no I don't want you staying all night with any one of your friends no I don't want you doing this and then they're not role modeling good healthy relationships well I'm not going to develop very well in terms of my social skills I'm going to start feeling awkward going to parties and I remember how difficult it was for me to go to parties I felt so alone so awkward I'm sure some of it could have during the Adolescent years that could have been part of it as well certainly but I just had trouble with crowds
and being with other people and fortunately I've I've been able to continue a long way past that which I'm very grateful still have some social anxiety but not that would keep me from doing anything and I also have learned ways to be able to connect with a larger group of people in a healthier way sixth difficulty with boundary setting growing up without clear understanding of personal boundaries leading to challenges in asserting oneself in personal and professional relationships so we didn't have those boundaries then then we get into uh our professional life and I've had bosses
and co-workers in hospitals and places where I've worked that really were relating to other people based on what they didn't learn growing up and they would seem and appear very awkward I think about a boss that I had that you know she was in her 40s but actually socially she was about Junior High age and I thought such a shame so difficult uh must be for her but it caused us a lot of disruption and a lot of problems number seven struggles with self-identity again we're all about pleasing the narcissis parent and their preferences their
desires their goals well what are what's my identity who am I what do I want what do I want to be when I grow up uh can I have preferences you know can I like broccoli or not like broccoli can I like chocolate ice cream versus vanilla ice cream and I remember that being used with my brother and I because there would be a constant reminder of you you and your brother are just so unlike you like chocolate and he likes vanilla and and that was actually true but it's like well is that bad I
mean is that can we be different and why do we need to point out that difference you know what is the is there a shaming issue behind that you know why does that matter whether we are different in that way number eight fear of failure we ended up learning fears of failure growing up and many uh folks and in fact I knew people in school when I was in high school a junior high and sometimes even in college they didn't make Straight A's because they particularly wanted to though they enjoyed the benefits of that but
they were so afraid of failing that they made A's so a fear of failure prompted the a particularly if you have a family who's very high pressured and wants you to do this profession or that profession that you better not fail you better not get a B you can't get into medical school if you get a c on that and just all the pressure that was put on them growing up nine challenges in emotional regulation and again we're exposed to extreme emotional environments where people around us have difficulty managing their emotions and and regulating themselves
leading to potential anxiety depression emotional detachment where I just want to cut off from everybody and again if you're around that kind of emotional disregulation then that will really uh create an emotional environment in which we struggle with our own emotional regulation and will'll also be hypervigilant and problems such as that number 10 inadequate life skills we're not taught how to you know either we're over pampered neglected leaves us without life skills I remember in working with a number of folks who were incarcerated at the time and they're like 25 maybe 30 did you ever
get your driver's license well no well then why you were driving all that time yes nobody ever took me to the driver's license place didn't know how to do it didn't know how to study for it didn't know what was needed for that they grew up in a poverty situation where there just wasn't that and that can happen even in a uh more resourced uh family if you have a narcissistic parent who's just not paying attention and they're only paying attention to their own issues and so we can then grow up and then not be
feel confident about life tasks I even have a friend who had a difficult time setting a dental appointment it just was never done and no one ever showed someone how to do it or when to do it or when it's appropr and uh and that was you know growing up in an alcoholic home narcissistic home that they were growing up in they didn't get those skills number 11 trust issues constant manipulation or betrayal by The Narcissist parent can still instill deep-seated trust issues and we feel and that can affect future relationships because we don't trust
I never learned to trust I never thought I ever could trust and again I have a lots of people even who comment on my YouTube videos and they'll say I don't trust anyone I will never trust anyone and I go oh what a shame how awful that is but I understand why you feel that way but please heal what's inside of you so you can trust people who are not there to take advantage of you and there are people like that 12 seeking external validation and again that's being other focused rather than self focused or
inner focused and that's what we are taught and that keeps us from having a healthy adult life in dealing with all of these I've got a program down below I want you to take a look at road to self it is a great investment you will not regret signing up for that I really suggest you do that I'm bringing 45 years of my experience to that program so you can learn to be a healthy you in spite of a narcissistic family dysfunctional family so what are some self-differentiation helps and here I'll give you some tips
there's many more in the program now it is your job to prepare you for adulthood let's not just Beeman all that our parents did not do and how our family set us up for failure in adulthood let's now take responsibility and it's now my job to to prepare me for my adulthood learn more about what is dysfunctional and that you can go on YouTube find out about narcissistic families find out about trauma you can learn many things like that second of all learn more about what is normal and what is healthy so you can do
some comparison from what you have grown up with what were your family Rules what were the spoken and unspoken rules of your family and are are those normal well how would you know that's where we got to learn well what is normal out there I like uh the books like Margaret Paul PA Margaret Paul's book in bonding extraordinary Relationships by Roberta Gilbert there are fre F iel books on what is normal and and read things that kind of give you an idea this is what healthy is this is this is what normal is and I
also have a reading list on my website you can write to the website or write to me and uh you can go to the website and find the page under resources about those books that would help you and remember I think it's important to learn more things before you start practicing use the work of self-differentiation to practice maturity and calmness and less reactivity because self self- differentiation is about learning how to be self-aware self defined and self-regulated those things are very important for healthy adulthood we weren't taught those things in a narcissistic family growing up
and reactivity is one of the big barriers to be being an adult calmness is is frees us reactivity hurts and keeps us stuck high anxiety hurts and keeps us stuck calmness can help free us and when I say calmness I don't mean passivity I don't mean weakness I don't mean codependency I mean calmness in a way of being in control of myself I hope that you will subscribe comment and like this video thank you for joining me have a great day and be wise
