hi everyone my name is Jerry wise if you have parents who are aging or parents who will be aging you'll want to stick around for this video I really believe this is something you need to consider particularly if they've had trouble with narcissism I want to thank you for joining me I've been working with clients for over 45 years to help them get their family of origin out of them so that they can live their own true selves and their own true lives this video is what to expect when narcissistic parents grow old and they
will and I've met with hundreds if not thousands of clients over the years many of them have had elderly parents or parents who have aged been doing this for so long that their parents were young when I first started working with them and now their parents are in nursing homes when I'm now that I'm working with them and in fact there's a few who are going going to nursing homes themselves I've been around for a while so what are the things that we should remember remember they are going to grow into probably even greater entitlement
and being a victim and they will be expressing that because of this entitlement this is basically why they had you so that when they get to this stage in life that's why you're here to fix things help them stop your life and deal with my life and it doesn't matter whether it's convenient for you or not you know I I remember there several times where you know my mom would set a doctor's appointment say oh I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. well I I have to work I mean what you didn't tell
me you had a doctor's appointment you didn't you didn't say you know what what do you expect me to do you know I can't just drop everything and do that rather than working with me you know if I can be of help well that's not the focus uh at all so entitlement and maybe being a victim number two manipulation of the family often times when narcissistic parents uh grow into later years if they still have their minds and if they still have some of their health then again they can be very manipulative in the family
because they want to gather their chicks who are for them around them well that may not be you you may not want to do that maybe you have kids that they have begun to alienate from you so that they will be there for the elderly parent them knowing you know you may have enough self that you'll you'll want me to be responsible for myself as a narcissistic parent which I don't want to be I want everyone to worry about my needs and take care of me I'm not talking about wonderful parents who get into needy
situations because of their health or because of their choices or because of their medical conditions I understand that's a part of life I'm talking about when it becomes a means to manip ulate as we get older another thing that happens I think is they play on society sympathy for their self-centeredness in other words well I'm the elderly parent I don't know why my kids don't do this and then of course other people in society will go well why aren't they taking care of their elderly parent and they don't realize this El elderly parent has been
horrible to their kids for how many decades you know and they may not be aware of that and so they will play on the society and cultural sympathy because they're getting older and everyone is supposed to take care of their elderly parents that's the societal Norm or the rule I'm going to talk about that in just a minute and fourthly you may find yourself in an inheritance manipulation issue where again money becomes an issue when they get elderly who's going to get it who who's going to do my bidding and I will reward them with
the inheritance who's out and who's in and again it gets used as an immature and manipulative tool for the parent to get done what they want to have done not that parents don't have a right to do with their money what they want to do I I think if a parent doesn't want to give me their money that's fine they have a right not to but that's different than that they use it for manipulation and use it to control that's a different thing I think parents many of them have a right to spend all their
money before they pass away they're not obligated to have to give that to their kids or give money to their kids they may want to but they're not obligated to do that uh I you know hey spend the money I don't care it's your money you made it you know if there's anything left and you want to give it fine fifthly is acting like the matriarch or the patriarch if they have been a narcissistic parent they've probably already been acting that way well now they're acting that as an elderly parent and they may have very
little concern for others you are expected to give up your life for theirs at this point they tend to put their burdens and problems on their kids and they may begin to act a little more like Toddlers and they may throw fits and they may be upset and they may not regulate their emotions very well and I'm not talking about people who maybe have Dementia or medical problems where it may be difficult to regulate emotions I'm talking about doing that in a manipulative way because you can get away with it and they may attempt to
do that so then what do we do ultimately one thing you need to remember we never owe our parents anything let me also say any owing or any gratitude should be based on the nature of the relationship I have with them not because they simply gave birth to me and simply gave me meals clothes school you know I mean yes that's but that's what all parents are uh that's all parents' responsibilities you can't raise your child in this society and not feed them I mean that's what the law requires I mean and we go oh
but you fed me all those meals all those years well you'd be in jail if you didn't you know so I mean again I'm not saying parents who genuinely are caring and giving we wouldn't want to be grateful and thankful and appreciative of them but it's not someone is saying you owe me now because I clothed you I fed you and I birthed you oh well thank you that's what all parents have to do I'm not sure why I ow you in a special way I'm not sure what I mean I'm glad I'm here but
I really didn't choose it that was you and Dad's choice or you and Mom's choice for me to be here so remember keep your owing down very down and I've had parents come out and clearly tell their children the reason I had you is so that I would spend a little bit on your college but you'd have to pay for most of it and then when you got a good good job you will have to take care of me when I get older and they made that very clear and clear that's why they had them
as children talk about loving is that a loving expression well I'm just a safety net for you okay you really didn't care you just wanted me to be your your safety net when you got older well you know maybe the state should be your safety net rather than me because you have about as much relationship with the state as you do with me secondly do not use normal rules of family and Society for the abnormal and toxic life with an aging elderly narcissistic parent and that one of the things that we often people will do
is they will use what everyone around them considers normal rules of family for this abnormal parent who's been horrible all these years and they don't see that and then there's lots of pressure on you to feel guilty or ashamed that you're somehow treating your parents so terribly well yeah my mom beat me every day do you think I'm really thrilled about taking care of her at this point maybe that's for the state to do rather than me or my other siblings or whoever else in the family wants to do that and again we don't want
to play we don't want to use the normal rules for abnormal parenting and parents who are elderly thirdly whenever we must deal with a 40-year-old narcissistic or narcissist or parent or an 85-year-old narcissistic parent selfcare is essential even if it's inconvenient for them it can be inconvenient for them and so selfcare is is critical but I think self-care is so important and self-focus and self-care is so important for healing for anyone who grew up in a narcissistic home anybody that's so critical and again we have to be willing to tolerate others feeling inconvenienced because you're
always the one who's supposed to be inconvenienced no I am not there are times you can be in venience because I've got to take care of me and no I can't bring that dish that takes 8 hours to fix and to cook to the Christmas family dinner because I have kids a job you know a husband a wife I have a family and I just can't do that this year and Mom or Dad's upset because you're not going to bring that special dish and that why are you such a failure as a wife and home
and mother and homemaker no no no you're just going to have to live with my inconvenience I'll be bringing a nice easy green bean casserole well that's not very special well maybe we can make the day special maybe the green pea C casserole doesn't have to be that special and I'm not going to feel guilty fourthly ignore any new efforts to use their age to manipulate you and return to a parent child relationship I really like to resist the parent child relationship I remember well again I was in my 60s I think I've mentioned it
in my videos I was in my 60s and my mom was I think getting close to her 90s and she was all worried about my haircut that I needed a haircut now I don't have a lot of hair but it will grow in the back and I'll have it'll get long and I'll need to go get it cut she was so worried about that interrupted a great conversation just to make that point and I'm going like does it bother you that I have gotten a haircut yet yes it does well Mom it it doesn't bother
me now what would you like to talk about I'm resisting the parenting from a 90y old to a 60y old I'm resisting that parenting I'm not trying to be smart alec I truly believe it may bother you but it does not bother me I'm not being sarcastic I'm being honest and that your free to have it bother you if you want it to bother you I mean you're welcome to that but it seems rather silly it is my hair and I guess I'll have to deal with it any way I deal with it and so
we want to resist those parenting roles please comment on this video please subscribe if you want to learn more how to be more your true self there's a program that I have listed in the description your new road to self it's taken me 45 years to write this and to present that program I think you'd find it helpful I want to thank you for watching have a great day and be wise
