hey hi everybody my name is Jerry wise I've been working with individuals and families for over 45 years helping them get their family of origin out of them this video is entitled narcissistic parents weird mannerisms of their abused adult children so adult children of narcissists tend to have these traits and their mannerisms that we learn from abuse from the rage from the narcissism from the self-centeredness from the lack of empathy that we may have learn growing up with a narcissistic parent one of the weird mannerisms as a result of having a narcissistic parent is the
apology reflex and you probably know what I mean by that adults who grow up with narcissistic parents frequently engage in almost compulsive apologizing and we apologize for actions and circumstances that are not even our responsibility and we developed this as a way to avoid conflict at home you know those people who apologize too much you know when you have apologize so much and I remember that was certainly something I found myself doing quite frequently I mean I would just apologize for everything I even vaguely remember feeling like I should apologize for the weather that it
wasn't going to be what it needed to be for our church outing many years ago that's how excessive that apology reflex can be another mannerism as a result of having a narcissistic parent that we may learn is avoidance of eye contact in arguments adults who grow up with narcissistic parents often look away or look down during confrontations a subtle defense mechanism cultivated from the need to appear submissive or nonthreatening in the parental home maybe even to try to seem invisible another mannerism as a result of growing up in a narcissistic home with a narcissistic parent
is selective mutism in groups adults who grow up with narcissistic parents occasionally choose not to speak at all in group settings especially when topics of personal importance are discussed due to the fear of criticism or belittlement that they experienced in their family growing up I remember when I did groups uh therapy groups for many many years codependent therapy groups addiction therapy groups mental health uh family groups for those who had family members who were having mental illness issues and that there was a lot of resistance for many people to come and be a part of
a group because they just felt too anxious too nervous they couldn't talk they feared judgment uh and in fact when I began uh going to a group therapy many years ago there were times I even walked out of a group therapy session because I couldn't handle the visibility that I had and that I had to talk and that I wondered what everybody was thinking and I'm I'm sure I'm being judged and and that there's I'm doing something wrong all of those feelings that go along with these types of mannerisms another uh kind of a a
weird mannerism as a result of growing up with a narcissistic parent is overe explanation of simple decisions adults who grew up with narcissistic parents provide detailed justification for everyday choices a habit developed from years of having to defend personal preferences to a controlling parent and someone might say well were you planning on you know a boss might ask you were you planning on taking off Thursday as a personal day and instead of just saying yes that is my plan the adult child of a narcissist will go into all the reasons why they're going to do
that justifying their decision they're answering questions that the boss isn't even asking and that's that erexaneri another weird mannerism as a result of being an adult child of a narcissist is being the fixer all the time adults who grew up with narcissistic parents constantly feel the need to resolve others issues a role adopted from having to mediate or mitigate problems lessen problems because of their narcissistic parent often at a personal cost and again the parent may be inappropriate we then will step in and try to make it better either for others or for ourselves or
for the parent and then we're always being the fixer the therapist the one who stands the one who mediates and we must do that so that we will be accepted and also deal with our own shame and guilt over having a narcissistic parent another mannerism as a result of being an adult child of a narcissist is setting boundaries too late or not at all adults who grew up with narcissistic parents struggle to establish personal limits timely or effectively a consequence of growing up where personal boundaries were either not respected or not recognized and again I
think that's what's important is our boundaries are not timely and then when we do have boundaries or we do choose boundaries they're not effective because uh we don't have the confidence or the solid sense of self to make them effective and again any of us can make our boundaries effective I didn't say any of us could change other people and make them do what we want them to do but even if I choose to make a boundary and someone doesn't keep it well then we won't be communicating much anymore that's me making my boundary effective
and again they may not want to change but I can have effective boundaries I just need to know what are the consequences going to be if they don't follow them another weird mannerism that we have growing up in a family with a narcissistic parent is getting easily reactive adults who grew up with narcissistic parents demonstrate a heightened emotional response to minor provocations rooted in a hyp sensitivity developed from having navigating and maneuvering in a volatile home environment if you've always got something going on if you're living in a household of drama if you're living in
a household of roller coaster emotionally then it's easy for us to leave the home and continue to take that reactivity with us into adulthood and that's where I think it's important to begin to get a number of these things out of us and for us to become us not what the family shap in us and I'm going to talk about that a little more at the end of the video here another weird mannerism that an adult child of a narcissist may have is feeling small or inflated adults who grew up with narcissistic parents may experience
feelings of insignificance or exaggerated self-importance as a coping or defensive mechanism against the erratic affirmations and criticisms from their parent I certainly think a lot of us can probably identify with the feelings of insignificance you know I'm just not important why would anyone care about me my voice doesn't mean anything my opinions don't matter now what about this exaggerated self-importance I remember having a boss that I work for in a hospital and she grew up in an alcoholic narcissistic home and she would go around with exaggerated self-importance that wasn't based on anything it didn't have
any substance to it and if you uh challenged it she would just crumble but she would have this exaggerated self importance and I think of it as kind of like whistling past the cemetery that I'm really afraid but I'm going to whistle like oh there's nothing wrong there's nothing going on and she would manage like that and of of course it would irritate other people but if you dare challenge it she just folds or becomes vindictive because of how she was abused uh growing up another weird mannerism that adult children of narcissist can have is
never operating from their true self adults who grew up with narcissistic parents May struggle to identify or operate from their true self as they often do not have a clear understanding of what it means their sense of identity may be overshadowed or suppressed by the need to conform and conform to parental expectations and demands and that as we become an adult conform to the expectations and demands of others around us leaving them unsure of their own desires benefits and values you may have some or all of these mannerisms the good news is that there are
fixes and recovery for all of them let me give you some self-differentiation tips first of all remember these mannerisms are not the real you don't forget that they are what you have been programmed to have they're the family WiFi they come from all of the experience is growing up in a narcissistic home second of all learn to detach from the family super self in other words a family that's dysfunctional has one big super self uh that everybody partakes of they don't have selves they have one big super self that they are have an umbilical cord
to and I discussed that more in my free training which is listed below doesn't cost you anything 84 minutes of training check that out but we want to begin to uh detach from the family super self in other words how am I differentiated from my family how would I differ from them there's some things I have some values that go along with my family that I still have because I've chosen them they've gone through the Jerry filter or the true Jerry self filter and their mind they may be like my family but I'm not just
absorbing them or having been programmed and that's just what I believe so we want to learn to detach from the family super sself thirdly ask yourself what are the downsides of letting go of some or all of these mannerisms and becoming your true self for example let's talk about easily reactive if you worked on being calm and and chose not to be reactive to those around you what would be the downsides for you you might say well I know what the upsides would be I'd feel calmer I'd feel more a solid sense of self i'
no no what are the downsides and then many of us as as adult children would say well if I'm not reactive then someone doesn't know I'm upset or they need to know they're wrong so I need to be reactive but actually what is the purpose of that you think that will make them be clearer about being wrong probably not and you're just now off your square and reactive and they're just getting reactive to your reactivity and it goes back and forth and so I think there are downsides to letting go of these mannerisms that are
problematic you know if I see myself as invisible and I let go of my invisibility what's the downsides of being visible exploring those can be a powerful way towards recovery I want you to sign up for the online training below the 84 minutes cost nothing then I'd like you to sign up for the online program road to self in which I go into detail about all of these things and help you with tools and ways in which you can truly recover and be your real self I hope you'll subscribe like and comment on this video
I'm glad you joined me today have a great day and be wise
