[Applause] I'm the host thank you for watching thanks for coming out to see us here and um please relax it's um a rare rainy day here in Los Angeles did you wear your cute boots to work today Gary of course Jimmy of course it's a great opportunity to wear your cute boots today's Ash Wednesday also you know it's a bummer when it rains on Ash Wednesday you don't even get credit cuz the ash washes over your head I like to fill in the smudge with a sharpie to make sure my mother sees it and it
sticks this year for Lent we are giving up democracy here in this country we last night Donald Trump addressed the nation I don't know if you heard but he's president again and I I was surprised too but he spoke for 99 minutes last night with no intermission it was the longest presidential address in more than 60 years why is it that the orchestra can play off an Oscar winner but not the president it's Trump's speech went on so long his speech was 10 minutes longer than the Lion King true and had twice as much Lion
in it so I was reading this morning do you know how many times Trump lied during his speech last night 11 million three fact Checkers died adding it up not everyone was a fan of the King speech and one Gentleman on social media I think summed it up pretty well he wrote that may be the angriest least compassionate worst state of the union speech ever made it was an embarrass to our country oh wait that was oh that was what Trump wrote about Biden's speech last year that's well he topped it there was plenty of
Biden bashing last night Trump said Biden was the worst president in history he blamed him for the price of eggs he said a lot of crazy stuff but this is one that really stood out for me as he pretended to be concerned about cutting costs and rooting out fraud and all this he made the claim that under Biden the federal government was spending $8 million on this $8 million for making mice trans gender this is real no it's not you know you hear the president of the United States they were spending $8 million to do
sex change operations on mice you say well I'm sure he's exaggerating but there must be something there turns out there's not it's not real the government spent money on transgenic mice which are genetically modified mice they use in lab tests to study disease has nothing to do with being transgender other than the word the trans part of the word you think they know this and just ignore it or are they so dumb they don't know how to Google or maybe they think we're so dumb we don't know how to Google I don't know they're turning
Mickey into Minis and minis into Mickey no they're just trying to cure dementia and heart disease which you would think Trump would be for seeing as how they are both coming for him real soon Marco Rubio who gave up his job as Senator to become Secretary of State he's the guy who looked like he was about to cry last week during that meeting with zinsky he got a shot out from the president As Trump boasted about conquering many new and exciting canals to further enhance our national security my Administration will be reclaiming the Panama Canal
and we've already started doing it just today a large American company announced they are buying both ports around the Panama Canal we gave it to Panama and we're taking it back and we have Marco Rubio in charge good luck Marco now we know who to blame if anything goes wrong yeah he'll be the first to go he's the first one fired he's done call Random House Little Marco has a book to pitch real soon the Democrats didn't give the president much in the way of enthusiasm last night they did not applaud and of course he
whed about that afterwards but Republicans more than made up for it can you imagine going into a room and being forced to stand up and applaud for somebody oh that happened here tonight it's different from me it's you know it's not it isn't oh hit the button every time when the president is uh standing in front of his party it isn't unusual for them to support to slobber over every word and clap like a bunch of seals eaten sardines but the adol for this man who by every inside account is considered by most of them
to be an imbecile but when the cameras are on man oh man they cannot get enough of everything he says we are going to conquer the vast frontiers of Science and we are going to lead Humanity into space and plant the American flag on the planet Mars and even far beyond this is a time for Big Dreams and bold action I will do away with red traffic lights only green from now on keep it moving America's momentum is back our spirit is back and measles are back we love our me don't we little spots so
cool so itchy I've had them on my balls big big I also signed an executive order to ban women from having their periods it's demeaning for women and it's very bad for our country Melania says it's that time of the month all month she's fantastic so much ministration Melania thank you God bless you and God bless America clap Bute heads that's right so then after his speech Congressman uh congresswoman Alysa slotkin from Michigan gave the Democratic response she was good but she used the word fraught and that's just not going to work you Trump screaming
Pocahontas she's saying the election was fraught that's our problem right there the more powerful rebuttal came from 138 year-old Bernie Sanders of Vermont who response to the president was downright poetic Trump claimed that the 2020 election was stolen from him and that he won by a landslide remember that a lie Trump claimed that the January 6th Insurrection was a day of Love A Lie Trump has claimed that millions of undocumented people voted and do vote in American elections a lie Trump has claimed that climate change is a hoax originating in China a lie Trump has
claimed that Ukraine started the horrific war with Russia a lie I can listen to that for an hour that's that is the Vermont version of a diss track he's like Bernie is like Kendrick Lamar in orthopedic shoes it's this this great character he's trying to strike a cord and it's probably a minor and then we have the Next Generation of Democrats you know everyone says Democrats are too passive too nice play by the rules they eat pop chips without dip on them but those who say that may I introduce you to representative Jasmine Crockett from
the great state of Texas this is not what we should be doing I don't know why we fighting with Greenland why we fighting with Greenland we fighting with Canada we fighting with Mexico yet we in love with Putin what is happening like this is not America this is a terrible nightmare somebody slap me and wake me the up cuz I'm ready to get old with it that's you know more in line with what we need crocet giving it to tubs you know there are now at least 159 cases of measles in Texas it has also
spread to Georgia Kentucky New York California it's all over the studio right now and today we learned that Florida has join the outbreak Club but don't worry our secretary of Health and Human Services is all over it RFK Jr sayso not fear outbreaks of measles are quote Not Unusual and he's right they're not unusual they're unheard of because we eliminated measles 25 years ago but now for a limited time only they're back the outbreak in Texas just so happens to be spreading in an area that has a largely unvaccinated population what are the odds I
don't know and that's putting Bobby brainworm in a tough spot so he wrote an oped that said vaccines not only protect individual children from measles but also attribute to community immunity protecting those who are unable to be vaccinated due to medical reasons okay good all true but and there's always a butt the decision to vaccinate is a personal one right listen so is the decision to work out shirtless and jeans doesn't mean it's a good decision you can't stop measles unless everybody gets vaccinated the top spokesperson for the Department of Health and Human Services has
already resigned over his boss's handling over the outbreak you know know things are bad when a guy who is willing to work for RFK Jr is no longer willing to work for RFK Jr they're having a lot of personnel issues at the HHS this is their leadership structure right now this is from their official website you have RFK Jr at the top HHS secretary and Below him deputy secretary vacant which I have more faith in deputy secretary vacant right now than I do in RFK RFK Jr has admitted to having flown on Jeffrey Epstein's private
plane at least two times which is a conundrum for the conspiracy crowd that loves him uh Trump's attorney general Pam Bondi who promised a truckload of new Epstein information now says the next batch of files may be redacted for national security reasons National Security I know he had a plane did Jeffrey Epstein have a UFO they flew on too who could possibly be implicated that plays a role in National Security would you declassify the 9/11 um files yeah would you declassify JFK files yeah would I did I did a lot of it would you declassify
the Epstein files yeah yeah I would I guess I would I wish I could see the little hamster whe turning in his head right there when give me my Sharpie I may need to redact some things let's be honest the reason this is taking so long is because Trump and Jeffrey Epstein spent more time on Planes together than the riee brothers they will release Diddy before they release all the Epstein files unredacted well one thing they are releasing is that thousands of federal workers Elon and the Doge Bros have been uh reportedly using AI to
decide which federal employees to fire which is interesting because someone used elon's own AI engine which is called Gro to answer the following question they wrote what is the likelihood from 1 to 100 that Trump is a Putin compromised asset use all publicly available information from 198 on and this is the response from elon's AI weighing the decades long opaque and substantial Financial ties intelligence suggesting Russian intent and Trump's unwavering refusal to criticize Putin despite attacking allies tilt the scale the lack of transparency EG hiding tax returns seizing interpreter notes after Putin talks amplify suspicion
No Smoking Gun proves Direct Control but the useful idiot scenario where Trump's ego and debts make him unwillingly pliable fits the evidence adjusting for uncertainty and alternative explanations I.E ideological alignment or n iate that 75 to 85% likelihood Trump is a Putin compromised asset leaning toward the higher end due to consistency of his behavior and the depth of his historical ties well I I mean I if that's good enough to fire somebody grock him up because 85% is very high and then we learned today that Trump is cutting off both weapons and Military Intelligence to
Ukraine so maybe we bumped that up to 90% more than 30,000 federal employees have been fired by Elon Musk and do so far he's taken that dumb chainsaw his to the VA the Health and Human Services defense department State Department education energy agriculture the CDC the FAA the IRS maybe most inexplicably of all the National Park Service one of the best things about this country is our national parks they are a gift to all of us and that's largely thanks to the people who devote their lives to protect and maintain them for very little pay
and I want to introduce you to one of those people now this guy just lost his job at yosan National Park For No Good Reason courtesy Elon and the Doge Bros please say hello to the newly unemployed Nate Vince Nate come on out Nate that's where Nate worked this is Nate welcome thank you for coming now Nate you are correct me if I have any of this wrong you were the sole locksmith at yosity Nationals correct 750,000 Acres you're the only guy that's there to get somebody out if they get like trapped in the bathroom
uh there's people other people with keys but if those locks start to fail then yeah those people are screwed those people will be in the bathroom for the whole rest of their lives and what are their chances that we could trick Elon Musk into going into one of those bathrooms uh I don't know with a bear is what I propose but I don't I don't know what the trick is getting him to go to the park would be how did yeah would be interesting chall how did you find out that you were being let go
uh via email from an email you had no idea what was coming n you hadn't done anything wrong you hadn't been warned anything no you've been actively protesting these fires of yourself and uh your co-workers you are the guy who hung this you remember did you see this in the news that flag hung upside down a distress about cwn Nate you hung that flag a group a group of us yeah a group of you you guys have been protesting you're organizing protests well we wanted to you know there's only so much we can do we
want to give you a little job so you can make a little bit of money during this time okay so what I would love you to do if you would be so kind is we've not had a locksmith on staff at our show we would like you to put a lock on the mini bar in guo's dressing room because sure we're worried he may be drinking too much so GMO would you mind showing Nate to your dressing room okay come on let's go yes show Nate to your dress thank you Nate thanks that's Nate we're
going to check back in on them in a minute let's check in with Nate our now former locksmith at yosan National Park how's it going over there Nate just finished up oh great wow you did that with such ease such Grace gaml what's GMA are you upset about this yeah this is not good Jimmy this is terrible Nate will you make sure it's extra strong because he'll gnaw through that lock like a like a rat or something okay yeah we I'll take care of it don't wrestle over the knife guo come on now all right
thank you Nate we wish you the best thanks so much for being here tonight oh my God I can't believe it we have 20 million subscribers on YouTube unbelievable I only wish we got paid for this if you haven't subscribed yet what are you waiting for help us get the 50 million please it's an emergency [Music]
