fellow Americans I'm Jimmy I'm the host of thank you for watching thank you for joining us here at our our headquarters in Hollywood where a lot of the country watched a very special episode of the white podus tonight it was a night of pomposity and circumstances Donald Trump addressed a joint session of Congress because you he really gets to be on TV so why not and say anytime this Maniac speaks it is a joint session it's a joint session it's an edible session it's a raid the medicine cabinet for anything to dull the pain kind
of night and tonight was no exception his speech started late I guess they were waiting for that last coat of shellac to dry on his face but the reviews are in and guess what he did great according to Fox News anyway mostly English sounding words semic coherently strung together without any visible on air defecation a masterpiece Sean Hannity really has a way with words but this is the fifth time Trump has addressed Congress and he got quite an introduction from the sergeant-at-arms Mr Speaker members of Congress please welcome diaper Donnie Man Bo musolini Captain Bon
Spurs Mar Lardo the notorious Pig General von shits in pants Putin's po Pucket his flatulency the president of the United States Donald jellybelly Trump yeah there you see members of the Trump family were there Eric was there Lura Don Jr Jared Ivanka even Melania showed up so the Democrats weren't the only people who hate him there um Trump went into the speech tonight with a negative approval rating which is rare for a new president according to a new poll from CNN 52% of Americans do not approve of the way Trump is handling his job as
president president the other 48% responded in Russian so we don't know exactly what they think it is kind of I don't know if you saw this but kind of a funny poll 90% of Democrats disapprove of trump 90% of Republicans approve first of all who are these crazy 10% of Democrats who approve of what he's doing and who are these crazy 90% of Republicans who approve of what he's doing and why is this happening to us again it's like we remarried an ex-husband and now we're like oh right he cheats and Steals and farts and
snores all the time many of the president's closest allies were at the uh address tonight and you could feel their enthusiasm as he entered the room [Applause] wait a minute I didn't know Jesus did that too like in the name of the father to me and the Holy Spirit I guess and then I'm sorry to announce Trump spoke he laid out his mag agenda for the next four years they include wildly unpopular tariffs abandoning our allies buddying up to Russia tax cuts for the rich and turning Gaza into Atlantic City all the reasons blue callar
America voted for this man Trump said our momentum is back our spirit is back our pride is back and not the gay kind either the regular Pride what he's talking about I have no idea the stock market's down consumer confidence is down the dollar is down the only things that are high are egg prices and Elon Musk look at there's Elon looking for people to cut loose it would be really funny if he fired Trump just one day Elon was in the house tonight in His official capacity as America's highest ranking dogebag and these guys
are they're doing some job I don't know how he gives an address like this with a straight face the Dow dropped 1300 points over the last two days a dozen eggs cost more than a haircut planes are falling out of the sky Canada's booing our national anthem Trump just Waddles up to the podium to announce that America is great again he did it it was a ridiculous speech he talked about a guy hitting a woman in the face with a volleyball he bragged about his $5 million immigrant gold card he put He said he's put
an end to transgender mice he told our Farmers to have a lot of fun and said the days of unelected bureaucrats are over with Elon standing right there clapping like an imbecile yay for unelected bureaucrats Trump touted uh many of his executive orders including an order he issued on Saturday that makes English the official language of the United States finally we can speak English again in this country and this I have to say this makes sense because say what you will about Donald Trump the man has a masterful way with the language the state of
California passed an outrageous Lord declaring their whole state to be a staning in the failing New York Times by an anas really anas more Americans could receive heart lung and liver transplants when they gaze upon y semites y seites the men and women whose selfless is really enlist I hope they now go and take a look at the oranges the oranges of they they sacrifice every day for the furniture to put defensive mishes through that beautiful Orion Space capsicle TR TR TR Trum TR magga God bless the United States [Applause] sure you know what it
ain't easy to speak with that that much honey mustard in your mouth the big question going into this at least on cable news was whether the Democrats were going to do anything to disrupt the proceedings they did some of them wore pink clothes which was pretty wild but some Democrats were yelling at Trump to the point where a very unhappy Keebler Elf bobblehead jumped out of his booster seat to throw Texas Congressman Al Green out of the house Mr Green take your seat take your seat sir take your seat finding that members continue to engage
in willful and concerted disruption of proper decorum the chair now directs the sergeant at- arms to restore order remove this gentleman from the chamber oh man little Mike's Johnson is going to be standing up very proud tonight when he gets home remove this gentleman from the chamber and bring me my pouch of nuts this Trump did reach across the aisle to whine that no matter how much good he does for Democrats it's never good enough and once again I look at the Democrats in front of me and I realize there is absolutely nothing I can
say to make them happy or to make them stand or smile smile or applaud nothing I can do you could quit you go back to maral Lago and shove your head down that gold toilet for a few months we'd like that maybe you'll find those secret documents you flush we also heard from the prime minister of Canada today Trump sent our economy into free fall today and theirs too by implementing a 25% tariff on imports from Canada and Mexico tariffs that are very likely to raise the cost of our food and could raise the the
price of a new car by an average of $122,000 which actually is a calculated move because if you can't afford a car can't complain about the price of gas smart it's that 4D chess he's always playing most experts are say Trump is shooting himself in the foot with these tariffs which would be bad you know he already has those bone spurs that kept him out of Vietnam if he'd fought in Vietnam there never would have been a war in Vietnam but these tariffs I don't even believe he's going to follow through on them I think
he's going to pretend he got something in return and magically lift them Canada today hit back with a 25% Tariff of their own and an unusually spicy statement from outgoing prime minister Justin Trudeau so today the United States launched a trade war against Canada their closest partner and Ally their closest friend at the same time they're talking about working positively with with Russia appeasing Vladimir Putin a lying murderous dictator make that make sense now making sense isn't really our thing anymore we can't do that nowadays we're more into making in our pants I want to
speak first directly to the American people we don't want this we don't want it either all this time we thought if it got real bad we could escape to you now that's oo too you know what the hell are we going to do meanwhile it was Fat Tuesday in New Orleans not just in DC and there is a big party going on people are so drunk down there they're some of them are at risk of being appointed Secretary of Defense right now thank you this is my I like when the drummers you know Jonathan's like
this yeah this is my favorite part of the bakas parade this is uh celebrity Monarch Shaquille O'Neal Who now Shaquille O'Neal this is a man who knows how to have fun I begin to pass out and my head hit the wall [Music] Bo let's look at that again he throws us on it I be to pass out uhuh to the crowd and and my head hit the wall and right on the K all of a sudden he can hit free throws tomorrow you know tomorrow's as Wednesday we need a president Shaquille O'Neal right we need
something after um after Trump spoke it was time for the rebuttal you know they do this from the opposition party uh they had a senator from Michigan give the rebuttal but then there was a second rebuttal in Spanish from a representative from right here in the Golden State [Music] [Applause] [Applause] you always making things clear you know March uh we're in March is women's History Month this is uh special month between black history and women's history it's only a matter of time before Trump eliminates the months of February and March all together for being too
woke but despite his reservations about anyone who isn't him our commander-in-chief did take time between bites of fried chicken today to Mark the occasion by celebrating one of the most important women in American [Music] history Rosa Parks what a lady she stood up she sat down she did the whole hokey pokei and she did it on a bus bus it's like a limo but for pores and she wouldn't go to the back she wouldn't go to the back because she knew that if the bus drove below 55 mph it would explode Rosa I call her
Rosa what a beautiful name went on to do many things activism civil rights probably many say best of all she came in third on Celebrity Apprentice season 5 Sinbad cleaned her clock wasn't even close but she was fantastic and I know right now she's up in heaven riding that great big bus in the sky with her best friend Jesus who is white so white keep it up Rosa Rosa Parks wakanda forever happy women's History Month to all my women out there especially the nines and T love you oh my God I can't believe it we
have 20 million subscribers on YouTube unbelievable I only wish we got paid for this if you haven't subscribed yet what are you waiting for help us get the 50 million please it's an emergency [Music]
