Yesterday, President Trump hosted Ukrainian President Zelensky at the white House. And it went really, really well. Everyone who watched felt at ease and thought the world is now a safer place.
Here now is a replay of their historic press conference. Yes, hello. Hello everyone.
It is I, president and CEO of Gaza Hotel and Casino, Donald Trump. And I'd like to welcome President Zelensky here to this incredible trap. It's going to be a big, beautiful trap.
And we're going to attack him very soon for no reason. Right J. D.
Watch out. Cause this kitty's got claws. Boo.
Very Much. And Marco Rubio is here, too. Little Marco.
Little Marco. Are you excited to attack our European ally? - No.
Gillis. - De nada. Before we get started, I'd like to thank President Zelensky for Drssing Like Casual Star Trek.
We love Star Trek because there's no die. The white guy was the leader and he bossed around Spock, who I believe was Guatemalan. We love that President Zelensky.
You want to say a few words? Maybe tell Mr Putin how much you love him and that you're sorry you invaded Russia. Maybe you offer him one night with your wife.
Mr President, with all due respect. Excuse me. I'm sorry.
What? I'm sorry. I have to jump in here because that's how we planned this.
What happened to. Thank you. Okay.
Remember. Thank you. You haven't said thank you to us once in the past 15 seconds, I've been yelling at you.
I've said thank you. You didn't say it. Now, but you didn't say it now.
When you walked in here, you didn't say thank you. You didn't say anything about us being handsome. You are my handsome little boys.
You didn't ask. - S That. - Once Look.
He's right. And we're very handsome. Okay.
Our Ties. Are matching and they're growing, frankly, by the minute. We don't even have to dust in here anymore.
The Ties. Sweep away the dust, and yet you don't compliment the Ties. .
She does say thank you. You don't tell us how hot we look. Okay, you don't say, if I was gay, I'd be all over you, too.
Okay. And we're supposed to help you. - But if.
- I could just say you. Have been talking this entire time. I'm sorry.
Does the sign outside say Ukraine house? No, it says America House. Oh.
Oh, man. Look at Rubio over there. Fully Dissociating.
. He looks like Homer Simpson disappearing into that hedge. To quote the late Good Tom Petty.
- He S Freefalling. - I'm sorry if I. You know.
You say you want to end this war, but frankly, you don't have the Cards Okay. I have the Cards All Right I Have Skip. I have draw for.
I have Reverse. I have. Get out of jail free.
The Supreme Court gave me that one. I have Pikachu and Charmander and Charizard. All I'm missing is a Charmeleon.
But without us, you don't have any of the guards. Okay, you got no cards. You're playing poker, and Putin's playing Magic the Gathering.
And the Russians have been treated very badly with respect to the War and Also. Frankly Anora Right Anora was misled, and she fell in love. And now she might even lose to Brutalist.
It's disgusting. You know, maybe you should come visit Ukraine. Hey, don't you even dare.
I've been to Ukraine on Google Maps. It's a mess. You think you're getting any money from us?
After your little outburst today? To quote my personal hero, Willy Wonka. You broke the rules.
You get nothing, you lose. Good day, sir. And you know what?
You're also. You're not even wearing a suit. It's disrespectful.
Who shows up to the white House in a t shirt and jeans like a garbage person. And. Oh, God.
Oh! - God. - Oh, God.
Hi, guys. Hi, guys. - Hi, guys.
- Elon. We love your outfit. Very official and respectful.
And I love when he gets that chainsaw right next to my head. Thanks. .
Donald, what are you doing in my office? You know I'm the president now, right? I'm kidding.
I'm kidding. Okay. Maybe not.
Maybe not. Awesome. Awesome, awesome.
You got to make a joke. You know you got Really. - Legalize Comedy.
- Legalize Comedy. Come on, legalize it. I'm so comfortable with all of that.
I really enjoy everything you're doing. With Doge. Elon.
Well, they're saying I'm firing people with no cause. Course. But I do have.
Cause it's cause I feel like I've got Blonde. Glitch. Better, better.
They Re Doing Mass Firings In The Government. We Love mass firings. Because you don't have to know what any of their names are or what exactly they do.
I mean, we're not going to get it perfect, you know? But we are firing the nonessential employees like air traffic controllers. Yes.
Yes. And Sure. Some of the planes are going to land upside down, but then the luggage falls right into your lap and you're ready to go.
It's official. And Ellen's got this incredible team of professionals, like a 19 year old who's known as Big. Balls.
- Yo reporting for duty, sir. - And Big Balls. .
You've been doing some awesome Doge stuff, right? - Big Balls. .
- Oh for sure. This week I fired a black general and a woman Admiral. - It was awesome.
- So awesome. It's awesome. It's awesome.
And in addition to Doge, we've started another initiative called the Department of Undoing Child Health Care and Education. Or. Douche.
Yeah. Douche. It's going to be epic.
Douche is going to really clean everything out. Companies back, companies back. Come on.
Come on. Yeah. Well, I think that concludes a pretty much perfect press conference.
We Humiliated This Guy. And J. D finally got to audition for Real Housewives of Potomac.
I'm willing to throw a wine glass at Anyone. . And To Cap Off An Amazing Week.
We're gonna finally release the Epstein files. Yes America is going to see all the names from A to S. No.
T So Zelenskyy. - You want to say it with me? - I guess I have to.
Fly from New York. In Saturday Night.
