all right so how do I know if someone's a narcissist or just an avoidant and what do I do if I'm in a relationship with either one that's the question we're going to be answering today because the truth is it can be tricky to tell them apart but for anyone who's actually interested there are a few very important clues that make all the difference now just like with anything else in life all this stuff exists on a spectrum everyone can have narcissistic Tendencies right but not everyone is a narcissist everyone can feel anxiously or avoidantly
attached depending on how their partner is showing up in this relationship but not everyone is unavoided and personally I don't like labeling people I would hope that you aren't calling your partner a narcissist or an avoidant because that simply doesn't help the situation and there's almost always more respectful vulnerable ways to approach this issue for me at the end of the day I hope you're simply looking at behavior is this relationship working for me are they consistent do their words match their actions do they care about my feelings needs desires or dreams because if the
answer is no I don't really care what you want to label them as here I'll give them a label for you not the right fit for you how are you ever going to feel close or connected to someone who doesn't actually care about kindness and consideration or building trust and intimacy with you the truth is you won't and we'll talk about that more in just a few minutes but my goal for this video is to Simply share what I've learned about the difference between narcissism and avoidance because sometimes culture lumps those two together and they
aren't all right but first let's start with the similar arities both the avoidant and the narcissist are more self-centered than other focused obviously at least after the honeymoon phase of course and at the end of the day they're both emotionally unavailable they both have no capacity or desire to pursue a deeper level of emotional connection with you because they both lack self-awareness and emotional maturity they both don't handle conflict well they can be guilty of invalidating dismissing getting defensive taking everything as an attack or simply blaming all the issues back on you they're both very
sensitive to any criticism or even constructive feedback they both can default to stonewalling shutting down or giving you the silent treatment they both tend to view their own feelings as useless and unimportant which means they definitely have very little respect or empathy for yours either that's why you hear them say things like you're overreacting you're too emotional you're just being too needy your feelings aren't my problem they both rarely apologize or take accountability because to them that would be seen as weakness right they both have trust issues they can both have fragile egos they both
struggle with shame and feelings of unworthiness they just manifest in different ways and at the end of the day conversation seems to stay surface level they can both love bum you in the beginning in different ways but eventually the intimacy or closeness you felt early on will dry up and they won't really care to prioritize that aspect of the relationship or be vulnerable with you anymore and lastly you will feel confused with both you'll feel like you're the only one pulling weight in this relationship if you stopped caring the whole thing would would fall apart
right you feel like you're giving and serving and trying to make this work but they aren't okay so all that sounds terrible right understandably so and this is normally the part of the video where we would all call them terrible humans and just feel completely Justified to hate both of them but that's not what I like to do on this channel yes I will validate and empathize with your pain I can share in your anger and hurt and frustration but we will not villainize the avoidant simply because it's not actually helpful to getting your needs
met in the future and this isn't a popular opinion but the truth is anxiously attached Partners have just as many issues as the avoidant I know it doesn't seem like it but they both actually have a fear of intimacy and vulnerability they can both have complimentary fears anxious people fear abandonment and that causes them to do a whole bunch of destructive things in the relationship right avoidant people fear rejection and losing their independence and autonomy and it causes them to self-sabotage and do a whole bunch of destructive things in the relationship anxious partners aren't as
emotionally mature as we think they are they're two sides of the same coin manifesting toxic traits and complimentary ways one person's boundaries are too rigid the others are too porous one stays safe by relying only on others the other stays safe by relying only on themselves they were destined for conflict and bad news neither of them knows how to navigate that in a healthy way now here's the thing I've experienced pain from both I've been hurt by anxious partners avoidant partners and and narcissistic Partners I understand where you're coming from if you're angry at the
avoidant and it's Justified but that's not the question we're answering today we're answering is there a difference between a narcissist and someone who is avoidantly attached and the answer is yes the difference is intent the true narcissist not someone who has narcissistic Tendencies I'm talking about an actual narcissist has intent to control and manipulate the true narcissist has an intent to gain power in this relationship and dominate they view themselves as Superior to you right they are entitled and worthy of attention and admiration they have an intent to shame you and coerce you and belittle
you and demean you not by accident but on purpose the true narcissist is living a secret life they are one way in public they keep up a Persona around other people they treat you completely differently at home don't they and no one would believe you if you told them the things that they said or did to you the avoidant on the other hand I'm not saying that they're innocent I'm not saying that what they're doing isn't destructive it is I'm not saying their behaviors aren't immature and hurtful they are I'm simply saying they don't share
those same characteristics now absolutely it's understandable you feel tricked because in the beginning they were able to get close right in the beginning they were able to be vulnerable and open up but then they pulled away they started ghosting you they started dismissing you or sabotaging this relationship the more bonded that you felt and that's not fair but that's different than a narcissist who had a goal to manipulate you from the very beginning so then why did the avoidant pull away and the answer is because they were afraid that doesn't justify it but that's the
truth they don't trust love they want connection they want to experience love with another person but eventually when the rubber meets the road their internal wiring starts screaming this isn't going to end well get out they begin to feel vulnerable because they have opened themselves up to being hurt they've let you in and that terrifies them they've exposed their heart and that means now you have the power to hurt them and it doesn't matter how many times you say you would never do that all they know is that people can't be trusted so they pull
away and put their walls back up even if they want connection with you their nervous system is constantly reminding them don't get too close don't lose your autonomy people take advantage of you when you do that the only way to stay safe is to be fiercely independent and all this stuff happens subconsciously without them even realizing it it's a way to protect themselves and it's worked since childhood so they will eventually find a way to get out of this relationship they'll say oh this relationship got too boring or they got too clingy and then they'll
just move on and repeat the cycle with someone else and I'm not saying you should feel a whole lot of compassion for them or you should stay in a relationship with someone who is displaying narcissistic or avoidant Tendencies and we'll talk in a minute about what you need to do if you're already in that situation but the truth is people tend to mix these terms up but they aren't the same the avoidant didn't love bomb you in the beginning they really did enjoy connecting with you they let their guard down they opened up but now
they feel engulfed or unshed so they pull away it's not right but it's simply a defense mechanism unlike the narcissist who intentionally showered you with attention and affection and Gifts who studied you who got you to be vulnerable and open up about your fears and insecurities and dreams with a purpose to manipulate you and use them against you later after you felt more bonded to them most avoidance avoid conflict a real narcissist doesn't they thrive on conflict they want you to become emotionally reactive to the point you lash out and then they can tear you
down and Gaslight you into thinking that you're actually the one abusing them they say I would have never reacted that way if you wouldn't have just blank that way they're always still the victim right avoidant people don't belittle or demean you now they can absolutely dismiss you and invalidate you and get defensive and minimize your hurt but they generally only do that during conflict doesn't make it right but the narcissist will belittle you regardless of whether you're a fight avoidants actually want a good relationship with you narcissists don't care about a good relationship for them
it's a means to an end that's why they guilt trip you and chip away at your selfworth the avoidant doesn't do that the narcissist wants to use you to meet their need for admiration or attention the avoidant doesn't even want to have needs and they certainly don't want you meeting them because then that means they're relying on you now they can both be hot and cold they can both ghost you but the intent is still different the avoidant needs space to feel safe The Narcissist uses space to confuse and manipulate you and if you're a
normal person it's really hard when someone breaks up with you we all want to be accepted and loved right so when the narcissist accepts you back into their life even though you know they're a bad fit for you it still feels good to be chosen again avoidants rarely think that they need to be the center of attention or that they're more important than you now of course it might seem like that because of how they dismiss your concerns but that's not because they feel more important it might actually be the opposite sometimes they dismiss you
because they actually feel shame and unworthiness because of how you're telling them that they're failing in some way they diminish your pain because that's the only way they know how to deal with the pain inside of them which is to pretend like it doesn't exist and hope it goes away avoidance push people away out of fear of being rejected not from a place of manipulation that doesn't make it right but it does make it different than a narcissist avoidance much like the anxiously attached partners are essentially living in survival mode and pain always Narrows our
field of view right when we're in fight ORF flight we tend to only think about getting our own needs met another difference is that narcissists will tend to isolate you from your friends and family right avoidance don't do that they love that you have friends and a support system outside of them now the avoidant will still shut down Stonewall give the silent treatment during conflict but it's more from a place of emotional disregulation which is still hurtful and harmful but narcissism is different they give the silent treatment to to punish and control you the narcissist
views you as there to satisfy their need for pleasure admiration and attention the avoidant like I said earlier doesn't even want to have needs and lastly you're not going to get a lot of empathy or emotional awareness from either partner the avoidant has turned off that part of their brain because it didn't serve them when they were a child and they don't see the benefit of turning it back on and the truth is I could go on and on right I'm sure you've already thought of plenty of things that you could add to this list
but let's just ask ourselves does it really matter I think we can all agree regardless of whether we're dealing with an avoidant or a narcissist a relationship isn't possible with either is it because everything I just listed is the complete opposite of what a relationship needs to survive trust mutual respect empathy kindness consideration right the best thing that you can do for your current relationship or future relationship is recognize that it's not your job to change anyone if you were watching this thinking okay perfect I can learn about my partner so much that I can
like get inside their head and like Inception them into treating me the way I deserve to be treated it's not the way to do it you deserve someone who wants to put in the work to make this relationship work I can understand you love them I understand you have a history with them heck you might even be married to them already and I certainly don't promote divorce but the fact Still Remains one person cannot create a healthy relationship it takes two right so what's the work of relationships kindness consideration mutual respect affection honesty vulnerability intimacy
emotional safety learning about each other's needs prioritizing each other in the ways we feel loved and valued most the truth is I don't really care about the labels do they meet criteria for avoid an attachment are they a narcissist or just a jerk hm I don't really care I care about whether they're genuinely willing to put in the work of humility and self-reflection and being able to admit when they make a mistake or unintentionally hurt you do they respect your boundaries do they even care what they are this is the stuff that relationship experts across
the board are telling us makes all the difference between a relationship that succeeds or fails do they view you as inferior that's not going to work are they prideful or self-centered not going to work do they refuse to take accountability or learn how to repair conflict or speak to you with respect and validation and empathy during a conflict I don't care what you label that person it's not going to work why because we are either building trust and connection and safety together or we're breaking it every interaction is an opportunity to build up or tear
down and there's far too many people who aren't even humble enough to ask their partner who they say they love how have I unintentionally broken your trust or hurt you or our connection in the past so if you're already in a relationship with someone you see as having avoidant or narcissistic Tendencies first I just want to make sure that you're safe your safety is the priority here but if you are safe and you still want to make this relationship work the best thing that you can do is heal if you're in a relationship with an
avoidant or someone displaying clear narcissistic Tendencies you have a tendency to think I would just be fine if they would just so you put all your focus on them and how they need to change this is a sign that you need to heal you most likely suffer from some codependent Tendencies some anxious attachment some low self-worth or some people pleasing and that makes complete sense given what you've been through in life I would never victim blame you I just care about you and frankly I care about the avoidant just as much I just want everyone
to have the relationship that they deserve and figure out a way how we can all get out of our own way right sometimes we are in a trauma Bond and it feels like we're going to have a panic attack if we lose this person who we even admit isn't good for us that's something that we need to heal not feel shame about my hope and prayer for you is that you learn what you deserve you never deserve to be yelled at called names belittled demeaned called stupid touched inappropriately or neglected you are valuable and worthy
of kindness and respect and the more you heal the more you talk to a professional about this stuff you will realize that you were looking to someone else to validate your own worth and value you were looking to someone else trying to save them heal them with your love you were so afraid of them abandoning you that you ended up abandoning yourself didn't you and the more you heal you will learn that setting boundaries and identifying and being assertive about your needs which is terrifying right that only leads to disconnection with people who didn't actually
love or value you in the first place because real love wants to know real love wants to know what you need to feel safe and prioritized and cared for and real love is intentional about serving you in the areas that you deserve to be served in Real Love is warm and consistent and you're used to inconsistent love because that's what you had back home but that's not the love that you deserved so get plugged in with a counselor read some good books on healing or inner child and anxious attachment and learning how to set healthy
boundaries when it's safe learning how to connect with ourselves again anything by the Gans anything by Sue Johnson I just finished this one secure Love by Julie manano is fantastic on learning about our own needs and navigating anxious and avoidant Dynamics the point is you know that you're healing when you're no longer interested in villainizing the avoidant or the narcissist because you can't control other people's behavior Can you but you can control your boundaries and your reactions you can stop fighting with people who don't actually care about listening to your perspective you can stop yelling
to be heard and repeating yourself over and over again hoping that someone will finally listen to you because they're only going to invalidate and dismiss you more you're not proving anything by continuing to fight with that person except that you haven't learned that they're not interested in meeting your needs or desires you know your healing when you recognize that you want to be the best partner possible and not stoop down to their level right you want to learn how to show up and be respectful and vulnerable and appreciative but you're also not going to tolerate
someone unintentionally or intentionally hurting you with their words or actions the truth is I had to realize that some behaviors only lead to disconnection and distance in the relationship some behaviors are always harmful contempt looking down your nose at someone calling them names yelling at them violence shaming someone guilt tripping someone coercing someone none of it is acceptable they always lead to harm and we need to have boundaries around all of those and I know what your next question is yeah but they won't accept my boundary then they don't love you and they're not interested
in a healthy relationship with you they are forcing this relationship towards disconnection and you are the only one that's trying to stop it but that doesn't work because you still feel disconnected don't you that's because that's where that path leads your job is to step off that path now when you start setting boundaries and advocating for your needs some Partners will be receptive to that so come to a mutual agreement on how you're both going to get rid of your toxic traits together and if they aren't willing to do that fine that doesn't make them
a bad person but it does make them a bad partner for you is that sad absolutely but you can walk away knowing you did everything possible to move this relationship towards a safe and healthy direction and they weren't interested in that at the end of the day it only takes one person to change a relationship for the better but it always takes two to actually feel connected and close right so put in the work start your healing journey be assertive about your needs risk the discomfort talk about your boundaries overc communicate on What conflict needs
to look like going forward make agreements and if it doesn't work out grieve feel all the feelings process it all but you will walk away knowing that you did your part and you hope that they finally heal and can receive love from someone else one day thank you so much for watching I'll see you in the next one and
