How to know when to LEAVE your Relationship

so how do you know when it's time to leave a relationship it seems like one of the hardest questions to answer right because so often we have so much invested in this person we have so much hope that things could be better I mean we don't want this relationship to end or else we would have already ended it and yet when we're honest with ourselves we know something's not right we know that we don't feel valued and prioritized not consistently at least we know that this is not how love is supposed to feel and the

truth is you're probably willing to put in the work to make it right aren't you for the vast majority of you out there you you'll read the books you'll go to counseling you'll work on your communication if that's what would help things but let me guess they have no interest in doing those things do they things are fine for them it's you that has the problem and so today my job is just to remind you of what you already know that whatever you want out of your relationship happiness fulfillment intimacy connection the truth is relationships

only work when two people are putting in the work from all the research I've done studying relationships for almost a decade now I had to learn the hard way that relationships demand certain things from both of us love by itself with no action will never be enough to save a relationship think about it this way if I stopped showing up to my job what would happen well I'd be fired right but hold on I'm confused why did I get fired and you would say well Jimmy it's not that complicated I mean you didn't meet one

of the basic requirements of keeping a job which is showing up okay but what if I say I love that job I would do anything for that job you would still say yeah but you didn't show up so despite how you might feel about the job it wasn't enough of a priority for you to do what was required to keep it and the only reason that that analogy makes perfect sense in our minds but not when it's applied to relationships is that not enough people have reminded you your relationship also requires you to show up

consistently or else you lose it as well closeness and connection with another human demands certain things from both of us things like trust and safety and the ability to apologize and take accountability it requires things like consideration and empathy and if you forget everything else from this video remember this you will never feel close to someone else who has no interest in those things and you can continue to get them to try to change you can keep wondering if things will be better eventually you can keep dating their potential but at the end of the

day relationships always require two people putting in the work to make them work and yes my advice will obviously be a little bit different for people who are married with kids opposed to someone who is dating unless there's any abuse going on if there's the presence of abuse you have to leave that relationship at least for a Time and get safe but when it comes to people who are dating listen I'm almost 40 so I have no idea what the dating scene is like on behalf of everyone who came before you I'm really sorry if

we screwed it up cuz I hear it's a mess I'm just here to remind you that who you choose to marry is a really big deal and I don't say that to scare you I say that because I know it's true marriage is hard just Baseline there is a reason that almost half a firsttime marriages end 60% of second marriages end and 70% of third marriages end I'm not trying to bump you out those are just the numbers and all those $50,000 weddings that we go to all those Newly Weds that seem so in love

and we're so excited and hopeful for their future it's a coin flip on whether or not they divorce that should concern all of us and from my point of view being married almost 11 years now if you're dating someone who only thinks about themselves refuses to take any accountability when they mess up rarely if ever is curious about your inner world and has no interest in your feelings or needs or desires or dreams it's not even close it's not even a discussion you have to leave that relationship and you might say well nobody's perfect I

mean I love them and I would politely say I don't care if you love them or they love you love has nothing to do with this they can say they love you and still have no capacity to carry out what that word means because love means thinking about someone else as much as you think about yourself love is all about mutual respectfulness love is considerate and you can't be considerate unless you actually learn about someone else and get curious on how they feel loved and prioritized love is about selflessly SA sacrificing for someone else and

we can usually get one partner who selfishly sacrifices that's probably you it's really hard to get that other person involved isn't it and I think if it's true it's time for you to admit out loud this relationship that I have right now doesn't work for me that's important to admit because too often you're not honest with yourself and you're certainly not honest with them because the vast majority of the time you're either making excuses for them or you don't feel safe to be honest because it would just start another fight wouldn't it and it makes

sense that you're feeling disconnected and potentially resentful and angry about this relationship but that anger is telling us something it's teaching us that we're being mistreated or at least neglected in some really important areas for us the goal isn't to ignore that anger or allow it to lash out on other people the goal is to listen to what that anger is trying to communicate to us so you need to admit this relationship doesn't work for me now I'm not saying that this relationship is doomed absolutely it could change into something better but let's not forget

that building a Foundation of trust and intimacy and emotional safety always requires two people it doesn't work with just one so let me ask you does your partner have any interest in changing the relationship for the better do they have any interest in creating a relationship that works not just for them but also for you I'm not asking could they do those things everyone could will they do they have any interest in putting in that work because knowing I should do something and actually putting in the work of doing it are two very different things

that have two very different outcomes and for some of you I know you wish it was different but they've shown you over and over that they aren't interested in putting in that work of accountability and self-reflection and learning how to prioritize you in the ways that you feel it most Maya Angelou says when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time and you just admitted that this relationship isn't working for you and then you admitted this relationship isn't going to change so you have your answer there's only two options leave or continue

to feel alone and disconnected in an unfulfilling relationship and I get it it's so easy to think yeah but maybe I could just compromise a little bit more maybe I could just be less needy maybe if I just asked them a little bit differently they would prioritize me more maybe that would work but we have to remember you're already bending over backwards to make this work right why aren't they bending why are you having to beg for the bare minimum in the first place why do we think that that's okay and I don't know your

situation but here's what I do know just because you've been dating someone for a while just because you're invested in this relationship it has no bearing on whether or not it's actually healthy or set up for Success that is completely determined by whether or not both people are willing to do the work that trust and safety and intimacy demand from all of us you certainly don't have to leave I'm simply telling you what it takes for you not to be miserable in a relationship because all paths have destinations right don't ignore the path of a

relationship where only one person is putting in the work of prioritizing growth and maturity and emotional intelligence because I already know the destination for that and it's loneliness and resentment for you there's a ton of people who are married with kids and it's perfectly reasonable that you're saying I can't imagine what leaving would do to my family I can't imagine how hard that would be for me if I left and if that's you I just want to say I'm so sorry that you're in that spot I won't pretend to know how scary this is for

you and I know that you just want to do what's best for your family and on one hand you're still hopeful that things could be better right you try to be optimistic but also you've been burned so many times before you've lost the desire to even connect with them anymore more and make no mistake I'm not telling you to leave unless there's any abuse and you're absolutely right leaving is so hard on everyone even if it's the right decision and the truth is people stay in unfulfilling marriages every day for a variety of reasons and

I'm not judging any of them but we're answering the question when should we leave our relationship and the answer for anyone is you leave when you have determined that this relationship hasn't led me to feeling fulfilled and I'm ready to live with whatever consequences come from ending it it's that simple now some people don't leave dysfunctional relationships because of religion and like I said before I'm not here to judge you either way but here's what I know even if you stay that doesn't mean the destination for your relationship isn't still distance and disconnection because your

body is too smart to continue giving itself to someone who isn't safe you can't feel connected with someone who dismisses or invalidates you you won't feel close to someone who disrespects you consistently and that's not an argument saying that you should leave I'm just saying that when people mistreat you there are consequences when people get complacent there are consequences and one of them will be you eventually pulling away and feeling distant and disconnected and eventually resentful and you're right no relationship is perfect but I'm not looking for Perfection I'm looking for safe I'm looking for

mutually respectful I'm looking for connected no relationship is perfect but you don't need perfect to be happy you just need to find someone who actually cares about how you feel loved and valued you need someone who listens when you say you're upset about something instead of dismissing you or telling you you're making too big of a deal about it you don't need perfect you just need someone who you feel safe to be honest with you need someone who sees you as worthy enough to put in just a fraction of the effort that they did when

they were first dating you you know when they were intentional about making you feel appreciated and cherished because that's possible we don't need perfect we just need considerate and Terry real has a great quote from his book the new rules of marriage where he says are enough of your needs being met to grieve the ones that aren't what a great question when we're assessing whether to stay or go are enough of your needs being met to grieve the ones that aren't because we all understand that no relationship is going to fulfill all of our needs

nor should it but that doesn't mean you have to settle for a partner who only gives you the bare minimum and most of you probably don't even know what your needs are much less do you know how to advocate for them so that's step one learn about what I need to feel valued and respected and connected in a relationship step two is my partner willing to fulfill enough of those needs that I can grieve the ones that they can't and still feel valued respected and connected if so then I think it's worth continuing to put

in the work to try to make this work if not then it's time to move on or if we're going to stay except the fact that we won't get the relationship that we deserve here but we are choosing to stay anyways every relationship requires us to grieve some of our needs going unmet and we can still feel fulfilled in that relationship but what never leads to fulfillment or love is when our partner has no interest in learning about or satisfying any of our needs and for the people who decide to leave be prepared for some

immature backlash it's easy to blame the person who ended the relationship because other people didn't know what was happening inside of it so they're going to say things like oh that's too bad you couldn't make it work but in reality you were the only one keeping it alive you were the only one concerned about the health of the relationship you carried all the emotional labor you apologized first I guarantee it and nobody ever blames the person who is actively depriving the relationship of what it needed to survive day in and day out so just remember

your relationship ending is not a failure it is not a reflection against you you are not a failure this relationship taught you exactly what you needed to know at this time in your life your job is to not let shame and judgment win and instead step back self-reflect give yourself Grace and compassion and ask yourself what am I supposed to learn in all this for some of us we needed to learn that if we're honest we didn't do the best job at paying attention to the red flags in the beginning did we the love bombing

the inconsistency they were hot and then they were cold and we used that as an opportunity to prove our worth and value to them we wanted to be liked and chosen so we avoided any conflict to seem easy going we didn't notice the power Dynamic where they were dominating the relationship and we didn't get a voice we didn't really know what equality and mutual respect sounded like but now that we know those things we know they're non-negotiables for us going forward we needed to learn that being honest about our feelings and boundaries and needs isn't

being too difficult it's not being too needy it's actually extremely healthy when done in a respectful assertive way and the people who don't want to be with us because we're aware of what we need to feel valued in a relationship aren't our people anyways some of you need to learn that you're not in control of other people's emotions or reactions it's not your job to do all the work to maintain Connection in this relationship you deserve respect and kindness and the same consideration you give out to others you needed to learn that it's never okay

for anyone to call you names yell at you or silence you you need to learn that you are valuable and giving someone more of what they're already taking for granted isn't loving it's actually self-sabotage and we know that now we needed to learn that when we bend over backwards to keep the peace when we try to walk on eggshells to predict their emotions so we can avoid conflict or disconnection that we're actually enabling their bad behavior instead of standing up for what we know we deserve and if our answer is yeah but I couldn't stand

up for myself because it would just start another fight well that was another red flag that we didn't take seriously enough because the people who care about me actually care about my feelings needs and limits they don't want me feeling pressured or uncomfortable they want to be a safe place for me to actually be honest about my feelings without punishing me for it but it's my job to be honest about who am I surrounding myself with because I can't control other people the only thing I can control is my reaction and who I allow into

my circle you don't owe anyone your time energy or body and it's my job not to react when a narcissist baits me into a fight with lies or accusations because they know if they can get me to fight and defend myself and yell back then they win because they still have control it's my job to take the high road and realize I'm fighting with someone who has no interest in my perspective and I'm fighting for someone to see my worth and value who also consistently demeans or belittles me and this is a waste of my

breath maybe you needed to learn that a mature person can take accountability they care about how their words and actions impact you loving people can say the words I'm sorry and mean it enough to change any hurtful Behavior immature people always find a way to blame their toxic behavior on you I needed to learn that we can still have ult conversations about hurts and feelings or needs that don't have to turn into a fight every single time that's actually possible for two people who say they love each other to have discussions and actually listen and

hold space for each other and validate each other get curious trying to understand their inner World instead of shaming it that's not asking for too much it's actually the bare minimum of love we needed to learn that there's a reason why it's so easy for us to settle into these types of relationships where we feel like we have to earn our love and acceptance we have to work to be seen as valuable it's because that's what familiar to us that's what actually feels safe even though it's the opposite and it's up to us to heal

from our past trauma and see why we can so quickly abandon ourselves to keep the peace and the way I see it whether you stay in this relationship or not let's first take accountability and stop blaming them and start changing into the person we know we want to become because when we start changing our mindsets and challenging our own beliefs and start setting a new standard for how we're going to show up we change this relationship for the better either way either they become inspired by our growth and maturity and as we get more vulnerable

and assertive and start setting healthy standards with them that makes the relationship better or they resist our standards and they shame us for these changes which actually gives us the clarity that we were looking for and how wide the Gap in our maturity and our vision for this relationship is and it makes our decision to end this relationship a lot easier which ultimately makes things better for us right remember we're not doing any of this for them we're doing this for us we have to get to the place where we can actually think if this

relationship ends I'm going to be okay I mean it would hurt absolutely but I know I'll be okay and I'm willing to do everything in my power to save it but I'm not willing to do the work of two people we're not changing to manipulate them we're freeing them to be whoever they want to be show up however you want but we're also creating a new standard in our heads an Unapologetic standard for how we know we deserve to be treated and what qualities are simply non-negotiables in our future partner does that seem cold and

does it seem like I'm taking love out of the equation yeah because love isn't going to save this relationship love hasn't led to any depth of intimacy or trust in this relationship so far they would say they love you now and yet you admitted this current relationship is not sustainable for you personally you need to get to the point where you're okay with that so let's be the bigger person let's do the work let's self-reflect and take accountability and apologize and grow and mature and learn about the ways that we've been showing up in maladaptive

ways that harm our partner are ourselves all the times we fought back and yelled all the times we were critical and let our resentment get the best of us all the time we were passive aggressive instead of being honest all the times we stood there and let them poke us until we exploded we need to get honest and admit I didn't know how to set any healthy boundaries because I was scared but that's on me and if you're saying yeah but I couldn't be honest because then they would just punish my vulnerability it's so important

that we get to the spot where we need to ask ourselves what do we do with people who punish our vulnerability it's a very important question do we ask nicer do we just accept that this is the way life is now do we stop being honest what do you do because that will determine what type of relationship you have and while I don't want you having any conversations that aren't safe the only way this relationship has any chance at surviving is if you start to be honest you would have already left if you didn't have

hope so that tells me you want this to work somehow the only way that can ever happen is through resp respectful vulnerable honesty and you telling them this relationship doesn't work for me is that hard absolutely welcome to the fork in the road we either move in a healthier Direction together or as difficult as it is I move in a healthier Direction by leaving and there's still a lot of healing that needs to take place but you have to come to the place where you're okay if this relationship ends and even more this relationship has

to end we can either build another relationship together as a team or I have to leave but either way this relationship is dead this relationship with all its toxicity is gone I will no longer tolerate either of us showing up in destructive ways that hurt each other I will no longer shove my feelings down because I know now that they only come back out in other destructive ways I will no longer make excuses for either of us we're both either going to do better or I'm going to do better on my own I will not

have a relationship where someone constantly criticizes me or makes fun of me or invalidates or dismisses my feelings or just plain ignores how I feel loved it's just not going to happen I'm going to start being respectfully vulnerable and honest about my feelings and needs and I'm going to put distance between people in my life who punish me for doing that and you know what I hope they change I really do I hope that this is their wakeup call and it starts them on a journey towards healing and genuine remorse and accountability I hope they

get to the place where they get the help they need and become a safe place for you again I hope you can both learn about the dysfunctional ways that you were shown growing up I hope you can see your part whatever that was and develop a plan together on how to prioritize connection and safety and trust back into your relationship because that was our journey and so I know it's possible but it only worked because both of us were willing to put in the work thank you so much for watching I'll continue praying for you

and I'll see you in the next one