Bless you, Peralta. One of these days, I took part in a round table and who were there, watching this table, was a bunch of women. Then, one of these wonderful women said: "I have a question for everyone at this table" Because this round table was about loving yourself, self-confidence, self-esteem and blah blah.
. . And then this girl said "ok that's cool, self-esteem, that's great, I got it, we need to have it.
. . could you just give-me a quick step-by-step on how to have it?
I'm gonna get home tonight and then what am I supposed to do to stimulate my self-esteem? How do I do it? " And then everybody reacted like.
. . Oh my God!
Oh my God. . .
And then, each woman said something great, each participant at the table. So I wrote down many of the thoughts that popped up at this table, so now I'm gonna share them with you who think "alright, I understand that Ineed to have self-esteem and that it's good for me, I just don't know how to get there", so, please, pay attention! First thing to think about: every time someone asks me how to.
. . how to love themselves and to be self-confidence, which is.
. . oh, this is important: self-esteem and loving yourself is an effort we must do ON A DAILY BASIS!
Constantly, all the time, that doesn't mean you have to think about it all the time, but all the time you make a few mistakes, but people ask anyway "how do you do it? ". .
. I'm always questioning myself if all this self-confidence is something I have to credit myself for, or, if it's also because. .
. of the people surrounding me. I surround myself with people that make it very easy to love myself.
I always question myself if I were surrounded by people who care too much about fitting into the standards or whatever. . .
wouldn't I feel like that too? Do you understand it? Because I.
. . on my everyday life, with my girlfriends, we don't actually talk about stretch marks.
. . you know.
. . we play cards, and drink tea.
. . that's what we do.
Then we talk about the next concert we're going to, what's going on in Brazil, and in the world. . .
So I think that, since I don't have people constantly reminding me about how worried I should be, or that I should be unhappy with my own body, I end up distracting myself with other stuff. So, surround yourself with people who care about the body as much as you do, or as you would like to do. I'm not saying that talking about the body is a bad thing, that's not what I mean, but it's the type of conversation people have.
Try to hang out only with people who lift your spirits and like to talk about the same things as you and I think that, naturally, you'll start caring about the things that you actually care about. Because maybe you don't even care about certain things, but because there's so many people around you focusing on that that you kind of start thinking you should care about that too and start going along with them. This point is very relevant: usually, our self-esteem is very much associated to other people's opinions, and when we're too afraid of that, it's usually because our own opinions are messed up.
It's usually because our opinions on other people are messed up. If you. .
. notice that, if you walk around thinking: "oh, look at the way that girl's dressed. .
. look at that guy. .
. oh my, that person looks so ridiculous with that. .
. " When you're too afraid of what people are going to think, that's maybe because your opinions are too harsh, and that makes you afraid of been looked at the same way you look at them. So, try to look at people at the street with kindness, and say things like "oh, what a great individual who's alive!
" "This one right here, shooting smiles right by my side! " "That's lovely! " Try looking at people in a generous and kind manner, it will improve the way you look at yourself as well.
That's an advice given by Xongani, who already showed up in this channel to talk about dyslexia, Do you remember her? Xongani? She said it's important to see people who ressemble you so that you can create a self-image familiar to you.
Do you understand? Because. .
. she talked a lot from the perspective of black women who don't see themselves in magazines, in TV, in commercials, who don't see themselves anywhere, so it's difficult for them to create a self-image. But that's valid for any.
. . for example, if you're pregnant, try to look at and pay attention in pregnant women, and say "oh, look at her!
" This way, you're gonna build an archive of images of people who ressemble you, and you'll create an emotional bond with your own image. Because, in order to see yourself in others, you need to see others who are like you. So, if you're a 60-year-old woman with grey hair and you think that grey hair is horrible, because nobody has grey hair, and everyone one who's young.
. . you only see young people in the magazines, you don't see grey hair.
. . Try to notice grey-haired women, who are like you, or women who are fat, or short, or tall, that you admire and you'll create this database of images of wonderful people who ressemble you .
. . and an airplane passes by and ruins everything I just said.
Now here goes two hints related to mirrors: try to leave your house without looking in the mirror. In one of the trips I made I had no mirrors around. I went to a place and I stayed at a micro-hotel that had no mirrors so I couldn't see myself.
I could only look at myself like this, and I thought "I think it's ok this top with this pants. . .
whatever, fuck it! " and then I went out. So I just kept having fun at places, and I couldn't know if my attire was in perfect harmony and with all the details I wanted it to have, because I couldn't see it, so I just shrugged it off and asked people "it's ok these clothes I'm wearing, like this.
. . ?
" "-yeah, it's great". . .
"-oh, alright! " and then I left. I did it for, like, a week, and I was completely unaware of details, because, sometimes it looks great but then you think that this little detail is off and then I won't be able to go out looking like this, with this detail right here.
So, try to go out without having to look into the mirror, just looking at yourself like this. The second thing is: the next time you look into the mirror and start insulting youself, remember that you wouldn't talk to a beloved friend the way you talk to yourself in front of the mirror. Self-esteem is all about loving yourself a lot so talk to youself the way you would talk to a friend.
If one of your girlfriends shows up with a pimple on the face you don't say "you look ridiculous with that pimple! you're not gonna find anybody! you're ridiculous, you're ugly!
ugly! " You don't talk like this to your girlfriend, or, if you do so, huh. .
. just don't talk to her like this. .
. ok? Another hint: ackowledge your specific intelligence skills.
Because sometimes people say "you're not good at math. . .
so you're not good at anything". Or. .
. I don't know, they pick up one thing you're not good at. .
. Like in the other video: I'm good at other things! Appreciate the things you're good at!
Because sometimes, in certain situations, people focus on one type of intelligence but you have another type of intelligence, maybe you have an incredible sense of logic, but not a very good emotional intelligence, or maybe an incredible emotional intelligence, but you're not so good at logical thinking. It's my case. .
. And then, in situations you're gonna have to face logical thinking you're gonna be like "I'm not good at this. .
. " so you keep kind of self-deprecating. Don't do that, because.
. . "I'm good at other things!
" I wrote down here on the list the following: rationalize the wrong situation. What does that mean? If you.
. . that has happened to me a lot.
I would go to a party, when I was a teenager, and then everybody would make out, except me, and then I felt. . .
I'd cry. The truth is that I would cry! Everybody went to sleep and then I would cry myself to sleep, because I hadn't made out with anybody, I felt ridiculous and blah blah blah.
. . But today, this is what I do in this type of situation: I don't cry anymore when everyone makes out and I don't, because, you know, we change our priorities during our life.
But I still find myself in wrong situations, things I shouldn't experience, you know? And when that happens, for example, when I feel jealous or something like that, I stop to think: "why am I feeling like this? " and then I try to rationalize: "why do I think it's negative for me to be at a social environment with other beings if these people I know who are there too, start touching other people with their mouths and I didn't?
Why is this negative for my own perspective? " When you start to rationalize, you realize that we end up caring about things that aren't important. Do you understand?
Or when someone talk shit about you, say something bad about you, and that shakes you up, try to undertand why do I care if someone who doesn't even represent anything in my life says something negative about me? Why is my self-perspective shaken by that? Important to note that, most of these hints is associated with that part of our self-esteem related to image, appearance, body, etc.
Because our self-esteem, especially for us women, is very attached to body and appearance. So I wanted to give hints more related to this idea. But, there's a bunch of people out there who are beautiful, according to the standards set around the world, there's a bunch of beautiful women hating themselves, a bunch of handsome men hating themselves, a lot of people who are considered to be incredibly beautiful who think they're awful.
Beauty is just something we invented. Therefore, self-esteem is not related exclusively with appearance, ok? It's important to know that.
It's very much related to what you think of yourself. And in order for you to have an opinion about yourself, you need to know yourself at least. There's a lot of people who remain stuck at their own surfaces.
Oh, what a philosopher! But that actually happens, they don't go deeper, they don't try to know themselves better, in all senses, whether sexually. .
. that happens a lot amongst women because they've been always told to never touch themselves, people don't know where to find pleasure, where it feels good to touch, they don't know what they like, hobbies, favorite color, some people don't even know their favorite color You need to know more about yourself so that you can understand yourself and therefore love yourself, if you don't know anything about you, how are you going to love someone you don't even know? I'm not talking about pisces people who fall in love with people who pass by for two seconds, and is able to fall in love with them just because, I don't know, the way they move their head is lovely.
I understand it, but that's not what I'm talking about. The process of falling in love with yourself is very much related to the idea of really knowing yourself, and realizing how wonderful you are. I guess the most important advice actually is: go date yourself a little bit.
It's important to date yourself. Even if you are dating someone else, tell them: "honey, I'm just going to flir with someone very quick" And then this person is yourself! It doesn't have to be only about touching yourself it can be about looking into the mirror and asking "what do you like to listen to?
" "do you wanna go to a concert with me? " Listen up! Self-esteem is something volatile!
Bless you, Peralta. It's volatile, it means it's going to change very quickly. There will be days where you'll say "Damn, I am fucking awesome!
" Check out this presentation I did at college where people applauded standing. There will be days you'll say: "my God, that was mediocre! " There will be days you will feel inferior to all other beings.
But, you know. . .
volatile. . .
constant changes. Inconstant! Can you see it, family?
It's good to remind, Don't expect too much of youself!
