what are the signs that you are with are dating or have fallen for or been married to a narcissist there are certain types of people in this world that will never make sense to the rest of us those are the narcissists and I don't mean that word in the kind of generic way that it gets thrown around a lot these days where anyone seems to be able to be construed a narcissist based on one or two things that they've done I am talking about someone who truly fits the bill and you know one if you
have been with one because they don't just tick the Box on one count they tick the Box in almost every diagnosable criteria of a narcissist if you have been with one in the past I think this is going to be a very cathartic and healing video it's going to help a lot of people feel a lot more sane if you are with one right now it's going to help instruct how much information you have about the person you are with if you have just come out of a situation like this and you're still in the
devastation of it I think it's going to help you understand a lot about what's just happened to you thank you by the way for watching my YouTube channel I am Matthew hussy a coach specializing in confidence and relational intelligence and for the last 17 years of my life I've been helping people all over the world find love don't forget to like this video subscribe to this Channel and hit the notification Bell so that the next time I release a video you are the first to be notified all right let's do this number one they can
be great sometimes despite all of your suffering despite all of the ways that they cause you pain all of the betrayals all of the ways that they invalidate your feelings or Gaslight you one evening they come home and they're amazing they're kind they're sweet they have great conversations with you they're playful they are loving they are everything that you always hope that they would be and when this happens it's so maddening because we think well this is it they they are capable of being this it's not it's not that they're never capable of being what
I want they are being exactly what I always want right now and we then start playing the game of if I can just keep this going this is the relationship I always wanted with this person what we have to remember is that a narcissist might actually come across as a delightful person once all their needs have been met that's not always the case but for some if all of their needs have been met if they have their supply as it's known if they feel validated and adored and there's nothing they want for then they might
see you in the evening they might see you at some point and be wonderful to be around but what you're really experiencing is them being great because every box is being ticked for them right now the danger is who they are when they're trying to get their needs met I like to think about it like a broken watch a broken watch is right twice a day it's wrong most of the time but for two brief moments a day a broken clock is correct don't mistake a relationship that works a couple of moments a day a
week or a month with a working relationship you have every right to be loved considered and seen in every other minute of the day day two number two your empathy for them gets you worse treatment not better treatment the very quality that can make us so special our empathy our compassion with people our ability to truly see behind what's going on with the person or to understand to see them at their core not to just blame or judge on the surface can actually be the thing that gets weaponized against us think about in a relationship
like this how often you end up forgiving someone well empathy is often the horse that forgiveness rides in on right empathy is the thing that ushers in forgiveness when we understand someone when you know we know their story when we are able to see the hardships that they've endured in their life the things that they've been through that maybe it feels like uniquely predispose them to this bad behavior to treating us this way it breeds a kind of sympathy maybe even a kind of pity you know God they've had it hard they've been through a
lot they can't help themselves and that empathy is what allows us to keep forgiving someone to keep making allowances for their terrible behavior in the present and of course when we finally say enough is enough that person will often shame us shame the part of us that wants to feel compassionate by saying how could you how could you leave me how could you judge me how could you not forgive me you know me you know what I've been through you know you of all people I thought would understand in those moments their story and all
of the reasons that we should see them as sympathetic can get weaponized against us using our empathy which is something we pride ourselves on so we have to be be extremely careful of that but the real Insidious part of this is that one would think that the person who lives on this island with the narcissist who gives them the most sacrifice the most compassion the most empathy would be the person that they treat the best sadly the person living on that island with them is usually the person they treat the worst for a narcissist our
empathy isn't seen as some beautiful quality that signifies our value our empathy is seen as their ticket to doing whatever they want it is seen as their Perpetual get out of jail free card any time they want to get their needs met in any disrespectful or terrible way and they know at the end of any terrible Behavior they can always rely on and because of their entitlement expect forgiveness number three they are able to move on impossibly quickly after something terrible they have done to hurt someone they love which may mean you I want you
to think about the things that this person has done to hurt you and as a thought experiment I want you to now imagine that you had done any of those things to them that you had caused that kind of hurt to someone you love how long would it take you to move on from that you not them how long would it take you to move on from that how hard would it be how much work would it take for you to forgive yourself for you to let go of any shame that you felt any guilt
that you felt at having done that any anxiety that you felt at having been what you might think of as a bad person how long would it take you how hard would it be for you to move on from that then consider how easy it was for them to move on from that many narcissists will never apologize and expect you to move on but even the ones that can apologize will often expect that once the apology has been issued the situation is over and if you continue to have any feelings about the Betrayal that you've
been through the pain they've put you through the hurt they've caused they will start to become incredibly impatient or even angry at the fact that you are still making a big deal out of it why are we still talking about this I thought it was over their response is devoid of compassion and by the way that doesn't mean that they won't grovel in the beginning or perform grandiose gestures in in order to win back your good graces in order to uh uh prevent from losing you they're only doing that in order to get back to
the status quo so that they can get back to getting their needs met so that they can get their supply again they're not doing it because they fundamentally feel bad because what they have done has gone against some fundamental moral compass that they have that they now are finding it challenging to reconcile or forgive themselves for what they want is for you to move on as quickly as possible because they moved on the moment they did it in fact for them there was nothing to move on from by the way never let someone else's ease
of moving on Gaslight you into believing that what they did wasn't so bad after all in a situation like this their ease of moving on has nothing to do with the scale of what they did it has everything to do with the absence of empathy and compassion that they feel when they do bad things what's up everybody sorry to interrupt my own video I just wanted to let you know that we only have 35 spaces left for my live retreat in Florida this September from the 9th to the 15th if you want to spend six
days with me getting to know more about your story helping you through some of the deepest things that you want to work on this is the place we do it it's only happening once this year and this is your chance to get on board so go to MH retreat.com grab one of those 35 places before they're gone and I hope I will get to see you there back to the video the fourth sign that you're with a narcissist when Court red-handed they will make excuses that are almost unbelievable which by the way we might still
believe you might have clear as day proof that someone is cheating on you I literally found the messages on your phone and they will say something like what are you doing on my phone and come to think of it that's my private life and has nothing to do with you in tired you're thinking but we're in relationship before you know it you are on a different planet to the one you thought you were on having to defend yourself for not being a good partner to this person who three minutes ago you found out was cheating
on you you ever heard the the law aams Razer aams Razer is essentially the idea that the simplest explanation is the most likely one I found evidence of you cheating that's the most likely thing that has happened is that you have cheated what they are telling you is the complete opposite of aam's Razer it is the most complex ridiculous insane version of events that somehow leads to them being innocent or being the victim and I did you being the perpetrator though you just found that part out it's almost like the excuses version of Murphy's Law
David what's Murphy's Law is kind of anything that can go wrong will go wrong right or anything that can happen will happen in this case it's any excuse that can be made will be made and even the ones that you think couldn't be made will be made remember if the excuse sounds wild then it's more likely an indicator of the person you are dealing with than just how Fantastical the reality really is you didn't think I'd be able to fit aam's Razer and Murphy's Law into one point did you if they're deeply uncomfortable with the
contents of this video they're a narcissist and that my friends is Matthew's law the fifth sign you are with a narcissist even when you are at your worst in a moment when you are sinking and you think they wouldn't let you drown they do this I think is one of the most Earth shattering reality bending realizations that people come to when dealing with true narc ISM they may have seen bad behavior over time they may have seen it consistently reliably predictably but there's something in the back of their mind that tells them yes but if
I was truly in trouble if I was really on my worst day this person would be there for me of course they would we've been together all this time we we have history I I've sacrificed so much for them I've always been there for them we are lovers we love each other we at the end of the day you know we are like this despite all of the chaos on the surface and and all of the friction in our relationship and all of the challenges we've had at the end of the day we are there
care for each other and in a sense it may feel like we never truly put that to the ultimate test until something Dreadful happens in our life until something goes truly wrong it might be a point of financial Devastation it might be at the point of a health diagnosis it might be a time when your life falls apart in some very real way with your family or your mental health that you believe that in that moment when the chips are down they'll throw you a life raft they'll be there for you and in that moment
you watch as you're going underwater and they're not there they stand by either with indifference or with excuses in short you cannot know the extent to which a person like this will abandon you in the key moments until those devastating moments actually happen and for a lot of people that moment is a moment of true realization it's it's almost for a lot of people a moment that they can never go back from they will never forget that in that moment when they were drowning the other person did not save them and you can't unknow that
it's almost like we can't bring ourselves to believe that we're in a relationship or married to an alien and some people are watching this and it applies for them with a family member or a parent but it's hard to believe that this person that you have been wed to in one way or another is actually an alien to you who does not operate by the same set of laws in life so we still identify with them and we say no no no no no when the when it really goes wrong they'll behave like I would
behave and that's the mistake is that right up until total devastation we still believe that they will behave like us but they will never behave like us because they don't operate according to the same set of laws by the way don't ever shame yourself for feeling like a fool when it comes to this it is one of the most mindblowing reality shattering realizations that you will have about a person and long after it's happened you can still fail to understand how the hell that person was happy to let you drown don't shame yourself for finding
it hard to wrap your head around that reality the fact that you can't really wrap your head around that reality is a sign of who you are and your character and just how different you are from them sign number six they show emotion but their emotion doesn't come from the same place as our emotion comes from so it's very tempting when we threaten to leave someone to see their tears to see them cry to see them get upset and to think oh they do have the same emotional register as me look that I I I
keep talking about them like they're this cold calculated unemotional narcissist but look how much pain they're feeling right now look how many tears they're shedding maybe they are like me after all now it's not that their tears aren't real it's not that their tears are an act that's just a uh another falsehood their tears May well be real but their tears aren't for you their tears are for them they are feeling a loss and that is what they're upset about in other words when someone hurts you and they risk losing you they're not hurting because
you're hurting they're hurting because they're hurting and their pain is the most important thing in the world to them so they are capable of feeling immense pain but we mustn't mistake it as having the underlying Foundation that our pain has when we feel pain it's often from a place of having caused someone else pain our pain is our guilt our pain is our self-loathing our pain is our self- admonishment that we could have done something like that to someone their pain is that whatever has happened has cost them something and that's where their sadness or
their hurt is coming from don't confuse tears that are over you for tears that are for you the seventh sign that you are with or have been with a narcissist is how quickly and seemingly easily they can discard you once it's over it is another shocking realization I feel like every narcissistic relationship is a sort of a series of shocking realizations to wrap your head around and in many ways the final shocking realization that people have is that this person that they thought once they finally left the narcissist or once they finally stopped giving into
to them would continue to hurt or would in some way continue to do the right thing afterwards or continue some strand of connection how easily that person severs all connection with you how they can seemingly just move on as if you never existed and any communication with them from that point is tend to mount to an inconvenience to them unless it still represents some kind of Supply right if the narcissist can continue to get supply from you in some way then there may still be some passing interest in other words if they can still get
validation from you adoration from you if they can still get their needs met in some way then maybe they'll hang on to that connection but the moment you refuse to be their supply anymore which means having boundaries having standards for yourself going forward the moment you are no longer Supply they discard you as if you never existed and for people who have so much history with someone in many cases have built a life with someone or been raised by someone or raised someone the idea that that person could just cut them off and move on
to another life at lightning speed is the most disorienting bewildering thing but that's exactly the experience so many people have when it comes to narcissism this can have the effect of being almost this like kind of exit gaslighting that happens on the way out this feeling that this situation that has gas lit us all along on one level or another this is like the final gaslighting is that I made the whole thing up I thought we were soulmates I thought we were this couple that looked out for each other I thought we had a marriage
that meant something at the end of the day after years or Decades of being together and seemingly it counted for nothing it is like it was all just a hallucination of my own whatever they thought of the relationship or how different it was in their mind to how it was in yours your love was real the relationship may not have been in the way that you thought but the way you loved and the ability you had to love them your feelings for them were real and the beautiful thing is you can now take all of
that that you still have because it's yours no one can take that from you and you can point it in a direction that deserves it this time around and I don't care how late in the day you have told yourself it is for you in life I don't care what season you are in it is never too late while you are still breathing to take all of that love that you have and to point it in a direction where it will do good and Blossom into something beautiful for you and for somebody else if you
enjoyed this video leave me a comment let me know what it meant to you the feedback on these videos means a lot to me and it helps me direct future videos it also is encouraging to me to know that people are out there and that you heard it and that it made a difference to you um I wanted to give you something as a gift from me today I have created a free and very practical guide for communicating bold standards in many cases standards you may have never communicated before and when we've never communicated them
before we need to learn the language of them what does it actually look like to communicate these new standards that I want to have in my life and this guide is designed to help you do exactly that remember if you have gone a long time without communicating standards or you've never had them and you've never known how to set boundaries then it's like learning to walk for the first time and that's okay when we're starting out learning a language we need to know the basics so I've put together a guide for you to be able
to create bold new standards going forward and it's really going to show you what they look like literal sentences that you can say to people to have the kinds of standards that are going to create a better life a better relationship for you in the future and protect you from the kinds of relationships you may have had in the past go to boldarde right now and let me know what you think I think you're really going to love it and thank you for watching this video I'm so happy to have you here and uh let's
keep working on our standards together I'll see you next week week be well my friends and love life
