all right so I've got hundreds of emails from people saying they felt like they were tricked in their relationships that in the beginning their partner was charming and loving but once things got more serious or once they moved in together their partner seemed to flip on them and it was only after months or years of painfully trying to get out of that relationship they figured out I think my partner was a narcissist and so I started to make a list of all of the early warning signs that they gave me so hopefully that can help
someone else not get stuck in those potentially dangerous relationships and if you've been through that I just want to say I'm so sorry my goal is never for you to feel shame you don't ever deserve to be abused or mistreated we can all be too trusting or too giving that's not something that you need to beat yourself up over this isn't about victim blaming this is about empowering ourselves and educating others disclaimer number two we throw around the word narcissism a lot these days we make it an umbrella term for a lot of things and
yes it's important to know the warning signs of narcissism that's why I'm making this video but it's also important to label everyone as a narcissist true narcissistic personality disorder is a diagnosis from a doctor narcissistic traits are different and they exist on a spectrum from mild to severe and to that point if you only remember one thing from this video I want it to be that the primary need for any relationship is safety and you can't have safety without trust and respect and kindness and regardless of if someone meets criteria for a narcissist or not
it's up to us to do everything we can to advocate for our legitimate needs in our relationships every red flag I talk about has some common thread around power and self-centeredness healthy safe relationships are mutually respectful they don't have a power imbalance it's not normal for anyone to try to dominate you or hold all the power in their relationship that's not okay so if you feel dominated or unsafe please reach out to our professional and get safe and talk about what's going on having said that these are my top red flags for exposing narcissism as
early as possible all right clue number one is the love bombing stage unfortunately the goal of a true narcissist is control and manipulation love isn't going to be possible with them because love involves us caring about another person considering their needs wants and desires and a narcissist can't care about anyone except for themselves but they can pretend for a while so love bombing is an attempt to gain your trust and devotion by going above and beyond with things like attention and affection and Gifts the true narcissist needs you to fall in love with them as
quickly as possible because they can't keep their mask on forever and they know if they can get you attached if they can get you on the hook it's much easier to control and manipulate you and it's less likely that you'll actually leave so they've become very good at being very Charming very playful and mysterious in the beginning and fortunately this matches perfectly with some of your personalities because you tend to fall in love hard and fast don't you if you like someone if they're giving you attention you'll let your guard down and fully open up
to them until you tell them your fears and insecurities and dreams Because deep down you crave connection and closeness with them and in the beginning they will listen they'll mirror you they'll act like they care they'll start talking about how they've never felt like this with anyone else before they'll talk about how perfect you guys are for each other and they'll give you gifts and they'll love you in the ways that you told them you feel it most and they'll begin to isolate you from your friends and family because you don't need them you have
me remember it's us first the world and to the inexperienced person we think I finally found my person someone who actually sees my worth and value I mean I think this is my soul mate I mean it's only been two weeks but I mean we've all heard those stories that love at first sight this could be one of those moments and the problem is it's only a matter of time before they slowly take their mask off and start start disrespecting you and manipulating you and mistreating you in subtle ways they start to get really jealous
and accuse you of cheating they start being very inconsistent with their behavior they were hot now they're cold they slowly start dismissing you they start shaming you they say things like I thought you were smarter than that or they start invalidating you you're just being too needy you're just too irrational they start planting seeds in your mind that you shouldn't trust your own thoughts wow I didn't know your memory was so bad this is called gaslighting it's a tried and true tell of a narcissist if they can get you to question your own reality they
can get you to believe maybe I am remembering things wrong then of course it's easier to manipulate or control you once again it's all about creating power imbalance the narcissistic person will always find ways to dominate you whether with words or actions they aren't concerned with how you feel valued or prioritized it's much easier just to Simply call you too needy or too emotional but remember too needy according to who that's right them and unfortunately so many of us fall into this trap perfectly because your natural tendency is to question yourself you don't default to
thinking what's wrong with them you default to thinking what's wrong with me the sad reality is for some of you because of your trauma you've been subconsciously working to earn love or attention your whole life you're used to being neglected or dominated so even though it feels wrong that doesn't mean it doesn't feel familiar which means your brain doesn't see it for the red flag that it is and so you start this dance where you try to earn back their love and attention you're trying to get back to the love bombing phase not realizing that
it's a game that you can never win they'll tell you that you need to change they'll say if you really loved me you'll do X Y and Z but even if you did it they'll just move the goal post and then call you too needy or you're expecting too much love from them they will start to use your vulnerabilities and insecurities against you because they want you to feel worthless or powerless it's the only way that they can stay in control so how do we prevent this first and foremost we have to take things slow
in the beginning of a relationship you don't need to speed things up in the beginning even if it's going great it's our own insecurities that lead us to think that we need to keep them happy or we need to dive deeper into love with them which almost always involves doing things sexually with them which of course in the moment feels right but the problem with that is that when we sleep with someone hormones like oxytocin are released do you know what they call the hormone oxytocin the bonding hormone so you're bonding with them on a
deeper level now and then once they start mistreating you you give them the benefit of the doubt and you try to make this relationship work instead of being able to ask ourselves honestly does this relationship still work for me the truth is we need to be guarded in the beginning of a relationship this doesn't mean we can't be vulnerable and have fun with this person it simply means that they need to earn our trust with consistency they need to earn our trust by showing us that they value respect and kindness they need to show us
that they care about honesty and honoring our boundaries and for so many of you your partners never had a chance to honor your boundaries because you didn't have any we thought talking about our non-negotiables would create distance in the relationship or cause them not to like us anymore so we end up abandoning ourselves so that they don't abandon us which usually leads to people taking advantage of us right remember this is about setting ourselves up for the best chance of success it doesn't mean that someone can't still hurt us even though we love them but
there are certain things we can do to prevent from being tricked by someone and one of those is taking things slow in the beginning opposed to falling in love with someone and getting into a limerent state where we're essentially blind to the red flags because we want to believe in a fairy tale that even our friends and family are starting to warn us about all right the last thing I'm going to say about this is that a narcissistic or immature partner will not tolerate you having boundaries in the beginning to them boundaries are going to
be a threat to their power so if you truly want to protect yourself once things get more serious not saying bring this out on the first date but once you start having real feelings for them be more open and honest about what you will and will not tolerate say things like I want you to hold me accountable I'm not going to disrespect you call you names yell at you or pressure you sexually and I won't tolerate those behaviors either that's a Surefire way to weed out some toxic people because you will immediately be labeled as
too much a narcissist doesn't want to work too hard to manipulate someone there's plenty of fish in the sea the best way you can prevent a toxic person from entering your life is by fully understanding what toxic Behavior looks like and then being kind and respectful but also assertive about what you know is right and wrong the right person will have no issue with that to the wrong person will be extremely offended and will shame you for it alright clue number two that you're dealing with a narcissist or at least someone who is emotionally immature
is an inflated ego and an excessive need to be admired these are not normal traits for the average person they are red flags of a deeply insecure person it's one thing to understand our worth and value as a person and be proud of ourselves for what we've accomplished in life it's a different thing altogether when they bring every conversation back to them and they elevate themselves while bringing other people down if every time they open their mouth they give off this vibe that they think they're Superior it's because they think they are and if they
are superior that makes you inferior which means they have no interest in your opinion that's why you feel like it's always 50 250 whether they're going to punish you when you speak let's not mistake arrogance for confidence pride and superiority are toxic to any relationship and one of the best Clues at spotting a narcissist is analyzing what comes out of their mouth listen to what they say notice how nothing is ever their fault notice how they were always the victim it's always unfair for them ask them about any past relationship and you will see it
ended because of the other person and just remember how they talk about them is exactly how they will talk about you one day they have to blame shift for everything because they are terribly insecure they can't take accountability for anything because in their mind if they did something wrong that means they are wrong they aren't Superior anymore they aren't more important mistakes aren't allowed in the fantasy world that they have created that is now their personality so they will never admit to fault they will never apologize and even if they did it would sound like
I'm so sorry you can't take a joke or well I'm sorry that you feel that way or okay I'm sorry stop living in the past anybody ever heard those and don't make the mistake of giving a narcissist any type of feedback or criticism because I promise you they will explode in Rage and I don't trust them not to hurt you because whether with their words or actions they will punish you so you never do that again pay attention to how people react it tells you everything you need to know about whether they have the capacity
for the safety and respect and kindness you deserve all right number three the next clue is that a narcissist has no capacity for empathy they can't and they won't because empathy requires you to step in someone else's experience true empathy demands you see the world from someone else's point of view through their lens and the narcissist will never see value in that because it's beneath them in their minds empathy and feelings are a waste of their time that means your feelings are also a waste of their time and if you're truly serious about setting yourself
up for success in your relationships then you cannot date someone without empathy it might be the single most important thing you should look for when choosing a new partner if they have everything else if they're smart and funny and good looking and they tell you all the right things and they do nice things for you but you're seeing from their words and actions that they invalidate feelings and they have no capacity for empathy there's a 100 chance that relationship fails someone who has no interest in empathy also has no interest in humility or intimacy or
vulnerability or emotional safety or resolving conflict in a respectful healthy way and trust me when I tell you those are necessary for any relationship to survive or thrive and when we don't have them we've all experienced relationships that just have no depth to them right it's superficial and that's what makes it so easy for them to eventually discard you and move on to someone else so quickly all right number four red flag is obvious it's self-centeredness narcissists will always be self-centered and self-centeredness is Kryptonite for any successful relationship this is one of the reasons they
don't compromise with you during a disagreement because why would they remember in their mind they're entitled they deserve your praise and admiration they deserve to do what they want with who they want when they want but at the same time they will criticize you or call your names are worse when you ask for the bare minimum amount of consideration or thoughtfulness or God forbid appreciation they are a walking double standard they need you to feel small so that they can feel important this is called emotional abuse the bigger issue is that self-centered people pair up
really nicely with selfless people don't they I mean let's just be honest do you tend to give and serve and put your needs on the back burner in order to please someone else do you avoid talking about your true feelings because it'll just start another fight because I'm just here to remind you that's not a safe relationship your feelings matter your needs matter and you deserve someone who prioritizes you you deserve someone who cares about what you need to feel safe and valued and loved in this relationship that's not asking for too much that's literally
the bare minimum so be very careful thinking you can change them with your love be very careful thinking you can heal people that don't think they're sick be very careful thinking you need to feel whole with them this is what's so dangerous about all this the hardest part about this isn't spotting the red flags it's what are you gonna do after you see them because for so many of us we don't feel whole without them we don't feel valuable unless they say we're valuable I heard one victim say I know they're the one that broke
me but it feels like they're the only one that can put me back together all right red flag number five is lying narcissists are chronic Liars you know something feels off you feel like they're lying but you can't prove it and they dismiss your concerns they call you crazy tell you that you're imagining things and then when you finally get the proof that you were looking for they tell you that you're just overreacting do you see how it's a game that you'll never win they will do anything and everything to invalidate you if you let
them it's your job to know oh this person is a liar I'm trying to get a liar to admit that they did something wrong that's probably not going to work is it I talk to people every single day that are dealing with chronic Liars or cheating partners and so many of them are still giving them the benefit of the doubt and I tell you because I care about you you have to know what your standards are you have to know what your boundaries are and what lines are okay and not okay to cross and what
to do when they cross them because if you don't set your own standard I promise you someone else will try to do it for you and they won't set it too high so yes this is hard but sometimes we have to mourn the death of an unsafe or unhealthy relationship and stop trusting untrustworthy people for any relationship to work there needs to be mutual respect and trust and safety right there needs to be closeness and connection and you can't have those with anyone who doesn't actually care about your needs wants and Desires in this relationship
and eventually one of two things will happen they will discard you like you never meant anything to them which will break your heart and set you up to do anything to get back with them or you will find the courage to leave and they will blame it all on you and say you're abandoning them and you know what's sad you're gonna feel like you are because you were abandoned in your early childhood and you made a pact with yourself to never hurt someone else the way that you've been hurt so when someone says that you're
abandoning them it tugs on your heart you wonder if you are you wonder if you've given this enough time if they deserve another chance and the answer is no they don't they boxed you into this corner you gave them a hundred chances to give this relationship the safety and respect that it needed to survive and in those moments they said they had more important things to do you're not abandoning them this is called you reap what you sow and when they shame you into staying or lie to your friends and family and tell them all
how nothing they ever did was good enough for you they are just manipulating you because they know that you're kind and loving and selfless and if you go back to them they will change for a couple days but then it will be right back to Old Habits I'm not saying this isn't extremely hard and very sad it is but just because it's hard doesn't mean it's not right and eventually we have to admit this is just the way they are and I refuse to be manipulated anymore alright let's make number six an easy one and
that's communication how they speak to you matters life and death is in the power of the tongue and some people have killed their relationships with their words haven't they do they lose their temper and yell at you do they demean you and belittle you and call you names look down their nose at you because I know how easily it is to get trapped in a relationship like that but trust me when I tell you it's not normal it's not loving it's not safe and it's abusive the narcissist's entire job is to control and manipulate you
so they will bully you they'll punish you with their words or reactions if you try to rise up against them in any way the relationship is only at peace when you have silenced yourself they also know you want connection with them so they'll give you the silent treatment for as long as it takes to get what they want and they'll force you to apologize even when you haven't done anything wrong and this is huge The Narcissist will bait you into a fight because they thrive on your emotional reactivity it makes them feel important they know
all the right buttons to push and let's be honest they're really good at dominant aggressive communication they know how to trap you they know how to catch you when you misspeak in one area so they can discredit everything that you've said you have to understand this isn't a game that you can win you are completely outmatched you're still operating from a place of trying to be respectful and loving the narcissist doesn't let something stupid like kindness or respect get in the way of winning this fight or making you feel small and worthless so they poke
you and prod you and call you names and exploit your weaknesses until you finally explode and say and do terrible things and then they sit back and say wow look how toxic you are you should be ashamed of yourself I can't believe you call me the narcissist you're lucky I put up with any of this and then they will proceed to tell everyone about what you did and the worst part is they're not lying and this is why I get so many comments from people wondering if they are the narcissist and the answer is no
you're not what's happening is your mind knows what your heart won't admit that this isn't fair this isn't right this isn't safe and we need to get out so you're finally exploding in anger because your body is sick of being abused there's a reason you only react this way with them right you ever blow up on anybody else no I didn't think so probably because you're not being abused in those relationships so how do we fix this we realize that we aren't fighting with them we're fighting for our own worth and value we're fighting the
ghosts of our traumatic past we're fighting for our right to be heard and understood we're fighting for our right not to be abused but we also need to learn to stop fighting someone that doesn't see us as valuable and never will we need to stop fighting with someone who is committed to misunderstanding us and we need to take accountability for how we reacted forgive ourselves and learn how to set healthy boundaries it's not right to blame our reactions on other people no you don't deserve to be abused and we should fight against abuse but that
doesn't mean actually fighting your abuser with your words or actions you know that doesn't solve the problem the solution is to understand their game plan the solution is to see through their attempts to throw us off balance by humiliating us or making us seem stupid they'll say you're an idiot you don't even make sense or they will lie or go off on a tangent about something else the goal is to keep you arguing keep you defending yourself that way they still hold all the power they will act like it's pointless to argue with you because
you're so dumb right watch what happens when you stop talking they will continue to yell or argue because they aren't interested in a good faith disagreement they're interested in getting a rise out of you the solution is holding ourselves accountable and holding our partner accountable to disrespect and contempt and criticism and name calling and yelling and setting boundaries around those I understand that some people won't let you leave the room because they're abusers and that is a crime and that's why at the beginning I reiterated that safety is always our number one concern in a
relationship if it's not safe we have to be removing ourselves from unsafe relationships when the opportunity presents itself because you are valuable and worthy of being treated with respect and kindness even during a conflict and I'm telling you because I love you it's a sign of immaturity to continue to fight with someone who has no interest in validation or respect or understanding your point of view just ask yourself have they ever cared about your perspective if they are ever asked one question about your needs and feelings instead of launching into defensiveness or rage no then
why are we still doing what never worked and expecting different results all right the seventh clue is contempt a narcissist's goal will always be to tear you down emotionally psychologically financially whatever it takes so they will call you names they will call you stupid or ugly or worthless they will invalidate you they'll dismiss your concerns and feelings you're overreacting you're too sensitive you're really going to get upset about that they will roll their eyes they'll make fun of you or mock you there's a reason Dr John Goodman said that out of all the destructive behaviors
contempt is the most toxic and corrosive to love contempt is the narcissist native language and you need to be on high alert for it but like I said before sometimes the biggest problem isn't spotting these red flags it's how you're going to respond to them when they rear their ugly heads because when you grew up with people who emotionally or physically neglected you when you were conditioned to believe believe that you didn't deserve to be treated as valuable it's not easy to turn self-worth or self-esteem on and it puts you in extremely impressionable and vulnerable
positions when you don't understand your worth when you're filled with shame remember what brene brown said guilt is I did something bad but shame is I'm bad when you had bad examples of Love growing up in the past you're far more likely to settle for bad examples of love in the present aren't you and I'm just here to tell you because I love you you can't find it out there until you find it in here first I know it seems counter-intuitive but it's true if deep down you haven't healed those wounds and you have a
core belief that you don't deserve to be valued or prioritized or respected and even if you met the right person you will reject them because your mind is still threatened by their selflessness and kindness this is part of becoming the right type of person self-compassion honoring our inner child protecting them forgiving ourselves and intentionally moving towards healing and emotional maturity and learning about boundaries and needs and emotional self-regulation and of course it doesn't eliminate the risk that someone won't take advantage of us but it does give us a framework for what we know we deserve
which is respect and warmth and for someone to be able to have a discussion with us without it turning into a fight you deserve someone to care when they unintentionally hurt you you deserve someone who invites and encourages your feelings instead of punishes you for them and even if this relationship doesn't work out we will grieve but we will also still feel whole because we weren't looking for them to complete us we can feel empowered because even though we liked them we were able to see that this relationship wasn't meeting our needs and we did
something courageous we said this isn't working for me instead of how can I make this work and then we move on that's healing and that's something I want us all to be capable of thank you so much for listening can't wait to see in the next one also if you made it to the end I'm sorry it was long
