hey everyone it's Dr Romney I want you to imagine a device a device where like a little box and it would show you what the narcissistic person is actually hearing when you're talking because you're not actually hearing your words there's a little translation thing they do with it right so it's almost like a translation how you can use these translators you can talk into them like Google translate and it gives you the sentence imagine and Google I'm looking at you maybe you could come up with this the narcissism translator that you talk into it and
you could hear what the narcissistic person is actually hearing let's break this down so what is the narcissistic person hearing when we're talking it doesn't really feel like they're listening does it right you say something and their response really doesn't reflect what you said to them so what exactly is it they're hearing their responses are often in line with whatever distorted thing they heard you'll say something their answer will be completely out of left field or it reveals that they weren't listening to what you were saying or completely reflect an agenda they have that that
even when that agenda is not supported by reality or what you're saying so let's look at what this is like in different forms of narcissism and in different situations because if you can lift the hood on a narcissistic person and see how their engine works you may feel a little less crazy so situation one situation one the narcissistic person is simply not listening you might wonder well why aren't they listening I'm talking because they don't care narcissistic folks will typically only hone in on listening to stimuli that matter or are relevant to them that's it
now while listen all of us to a degree May tune out a conversation on another side of a room that has nothing to do with this or if we're exhausted we may blank out for a minute but generally for a healthy person if someone's talking directly to us we listen narcissism is such an egocentrically absorbed style that if it is not if what you're saying is not relevant or interesting or supplying or validating them they're going to tune out what does this look like you might go up to them and say hey hey you remember
that girl at work Mary oh my gosh she is going through so much her husband is sick her child actually passed away last year I feel so sad when I think of all she was going through I don't know her but I really want to figure out a way to help her somehow and the narcissistic person looks up at you and says huh what what did you say what you might be thinking what is happening in their mind what's happening in their mind what's what they're hearing is not relevant to me all systems that are
meant to attend to other people are often shut down so in essence what you're saying is the same noise as the dog barking down the street they don't know Mary They Don't Care About Mary and they aren't completely tuned out of it even though it's causing you heartache this is universal across all forms of narcissism situation two the narcissistic person hears what you're saying as almost as a threat interestingly for all the bluff and bravado we see in a personality style like narcissism there's a lot of fear under the surface largely as a function of
the chronic insecurity and shame that's being activated anything that feels competitive that evokes envy that disappoints them or leaves them feeling less than they have an almost laser focus on it but their inputs what they hear is so distorted so that means that things that are at the face of it not threats for example you get promoted at work or your sister and her partner bought a big beautiful new house or that the narcissistic person wasn't invited to a particular party or that they can't have something they want that's a threat is like something that
could harm you those things can't literally harm them but they can psychologically seems like it'd be straightforward but for the narcissistic person the need for Supply control and dominance which is of which is achieved by them by having the most getting attention being validated that's the only thing they care about which means anything that undercuts those things is viewed as a threat narcissistic people for example are very competitive sometimes about the silliest things who got the seat in the restaurant with the better view who got a better deal at the Farmers Market on the Tomato
who had the better summer vacation that means that even your passing success or an honor you got for example maybe you got honored at work in a job that is completely different than theirs could result in them getting upset and angry and dismissive so what does it look like when they're perceiving something that at the face of it is not a threat but they hear it as a threat it can look a couple of different ways the first may be you go up to them and you say hey I got a promotion I'm going to
be a regional director now which is a little more money it's more responsibility it's a little more travel but I'm so excited I work really hard for this and after years that of that other manager who just didn't even see my work this new manager seems to notice my work a grandiose narcissistic person is going to hear threat threat initially because we're able to wear two masks they might say good for you don't let all that power go to your head I hope this doesn't mean that you're going to let the kids down and not
show up to their events so what does this mean for all of us okay now a vulnerable narcissist in this situation may say to you well let's see you're a regional manager at a company nobody has ever heard of and it seems like they just sort of rotate that promotion around until people get tired of this boring place and go find a better job the way I work it's not about this nonsense of this ego stuff about promotions it's about raw intellect and creativity so it's easier for you because these other ridiculous people just give
you a title and throw some money at it and then you stick around that's how easy it is to manipulate you it's not as fair in the work I do and people aren't always aware of how much I do a malignant narcissistic person might say what do you mean all that travel it better not be for long that isn't going to work you better hold up your side of the money otherwise we're going to need to talk about it and who did you sleep with to get this job so ultimately when we look at what's
happening in the narcissistic person's mind your promotion your good news by someone who ostensibly is supposed to care about you is being heard solely through a lens of what does it mean for them they may grandiose narcissists generally will do this they might give you a passing congratulations but by and large information about your good fortune or hard work paying off is going to be met with pushback since you are getting narcissistic Supply and that may mean that you have a little bit more power and that doesn't feel good for them the narcissistic person will
process this threat through Maneuvers like entitlement you better keep putting me first or diminishing your accomplishment anyone could do this or control you better not think you can go and do what you want any change in the environment for a narcissistic person where someone else is doing better gets perceived that way and in the case of other perceived threats like for example other people's Good Fortune your sister getting her big new house the grandiose narcissistic folks are the best ones at putting on a good public face a sort of good for you that's cool that's
cool and may either get a little passive aggressive dig in to maintain dominance or they will quickly switch the conversation back to themselves to get validation things like yeah yeah things are good for me too we just had our biggest quarter ever and I'm going to be buying a new car now they're kind of like a mating animal that will feel the need to puff up feathers bigger to remain dominant Envy is a huge part of narcissism the Envy reflects their insecurity and they either Envy others and either compete with them or they put them
down or they assume other people Envy them and cannot believe that someone is genuinely happy for their good news for example if something good is happening to the narcissistic person maybe there's even a celebratory event for them they're going to zoom out the gate that the other people at the event are envious and jealous a healthy person may even approach them and say oh I'm so happy for you you worked in for and wanted this for such a long time and the narcissistic person may come out with oh come on now you have to be
a little jealous of me right I am killing it out there I bet you wish that you lived in a house like this who wouldn't or even worse they might say uh I don't know how you were able to live down there in the city like that it is so hot and congested out here where there's more land and clean air this is the place to be and then when it comes to disappointment this is yet another form of threat they will process in a conversation the disappointment may be something as small as not being
able to get the concert tickets that they want which sort of punctures their sense of grandiosity and entitlement that they are somehow special and of course they deserve the tickets more than anyone else or maybe it's a broken refrigerator why does everything bad happen to me I'm such a good person and these things keep happening to me now let's go to situation three in situation three they were never listening and that screws up plans you were trying to make for example you tell them email them and text them a time of a flight that you
have together or you share with them a dinner reservation you made or a birthday party you have to attend or a deadline that's coming up and no matter how much you communicate it still turns out a mess and you feel like you're going out of your mind because you communicated it so many times so in a scenario like this as we think about what's really happening in the narcissistic person's mind as they process this it all relates to situation one they're not listening and that doesn't feel good but it goes beyond that you may wonder
how are they missing it when I am actually telling them something that's useful for them like when a flight for our vacation is or the time of a dinner reservation they ask for or an event that they wanted to go to how is it that they're not listening to that this is the hardest part of narcissistic relationships to get your head around to that they really don't listen and kind of really don't care and so there's so often tuned out and turned inwards over time the painful part of these relationships is that as your supply
becomes stale as all Supply becomes stale they may feel as though they're almost contemptuous their superiority means that once someone is not valued anymore and everyone gets there with them and combine that with their self-importance that they do not listen to the stuff you're saying or communicating it can really result in a mess such as missed plans or massive arguments when they Gaslight and say you never said anything and meanwhile you've got 100 texts to prove it the attentional systems of narcissistic people are off they are so singularly focused on the maintenance of their grandiose
self staving off threats seeking out Supply the little stuff of life doesn't matter to them and that is the challenge that's what makes it so challenging to get close to a narcissistic person especially once they know that they've got you that you're in their sphere that's when they really stop paying attention they are very interested in the hunt and in the game but not in sustaining the relationship and in fact this is why people get stuck in the love bomb Hoover Hoover love bomb Cycles when you are new to them they are charming and charismatic
and dazzling but it doesn't take long but for anybody's narcissistic Supply yours mine anyone becomes stale and then they aren't listening this looks the same across all kinds of narcissism they really aren't listening and will blame you when things get chaotic or they end up double booked or they have to reshape their schedule because now they're inconvenienced because they claim they didn't have the information it's a tough one because you really can't win if you keep reminding them about the upcoming date reservation time whatever they will tell you that you're being a pain in the
ass if you tell them just once it's really a coin flip on whether they will hear it so you were locked into this Perpetual space of knowing that they will lash out at you when the thing you told them about is finally upon you or they will look at you absolutely shocked as though the day before is the first time they are hearing it which again leaves you feeling insane but you aren't insane their inner psychological apparatus is not oriented to the world in the same way a healthier persons would be they care about the
things that are relevant to them and that's about it it's all about Supply that's how they're processing information threats sort of pepper their world everywhere and sometimes you are a threat without you even knowing it people keep asking what are the workarounds what are the workarounds sure there are workarounds but what workarounds cannot do is protect you from them lashing out at you you can do everything you can to ensure that the trains run on time you can seek out social support people who listen to you you can listen to videos like this and slowly
over time you can learn that it isn't you but when someone lashes out at you even though you've done your part even though you've dotted the eyes cross the t's it still hurts knowing how something or someone Works doesn't mean that it doesn't sting when they lash out the how doesn't lift the grief however lifting a little of the befuddlement may help you feel a little more grounded these relationships hurt there is no getting around that listen I can't lift all of the hurt but I can try and lift the sting of the confusion I
hope that helps and thanks again
