Do you ONLY WANT SEX?: what women don't understand about their relationships

I'm Dr Orion taraban and this is cycax Better Living Through psychology and the topic of today's short talk is do you only want sex so this is a question that men often hear earlier in the courtship process it usually occurs after the two have initiated a sexual relationship and the man expresses interest and enthusiasm in having sex with a woman again and let's be clear this isn't really an honest question it generally has a shaming tone to it as if wanting sex is somehow superficial or disgusting or insulting to the woman in question it also

implies that it's somehow inappropriate to be focused on sex which is not at all sex positive and we at psych hacks are sex positive that said for some women it can feel as though straight men's interest in sex is some kind of annoying distraction or a degrading objectification now to be fair this attitude can be a reaction to let us say men's heavy-handedness with respect to their intention and I think I understand the woman's experience here and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong in the comments below but the experience is something like as

a woman I want to feel like there's more to me than just the warm hole I can provide which literally every woman can offer if a man only wants sex well he can get sex from any woman and I don't want to be any woman so participating enthusiastically in an activity that is this impersonal and generalizable would somehow diminish me as a person I want to be seen and related to as something more than a sexual object therefore consciously or not I will punish men's enthusiastic sexual interest in me so that I can have the

benefits I hope to accrue from the relationship either increasingly on my terms or more cheaply now to the extent that I got that right there's nothing bad or wrong with that sentiment inherently however there are a few ideas there that are a bit misguided and my goal here is to help women understand this so that they can have more satisfying relationships with the men of their choosing leaving aside the belief that men can get sex from any woman they can't and the belief that sex is somehow impersonal it's not the real issue with this line

of thinking is a lack of appreciation for the real essence of sexual relationships as you know sex is extremely important to men and sexual relationships are the one socially acceptable place where men can get it so it's actually entirely appropriate that men bring explicit enthusiastic interest in sex to their sexual relationships because where else are they supposed to bring that interest you have to understand that sexual relationships have kind of a monopoly on sex and if people can't get something they want at the Monopoly they typically don't surrender the necessity or the desire they go

find it on the black market which is the shadow of the Monopoly now before I go any further if you're liking what you're hearing then please consider sending this episode to someone who might benefit from its message it's Word of Mouth referrals like this that really help to grow the channel and you can also hit the super thanks button and tip me in proportion to the value you feel you derived from this episode I appreciate your support now to be completely real with you ladies almost all the things that a woman can potentially provide a

man he can get elsewhere except for sex and motherhood but we're going to focus on sex for today sex is the thing that is unique to the sexual relationship and so it kind of makes sense that sex is going to be of high priority with respect to that relationship women complaining that the men they're seeing might only be interested in sex is sort of like the chef at Tony Roma's complaining that the people there only seem to order ribs the chef might be like well I I make salads too I put a lot of love

and care into my salads why doesn't anyone order my salads because it's Tony [ __ ] Roma's it's the place for ribs well why can't it be the place for ribs and salads well because that's terrible branding and if Tony Roma's had the poor judgment to actually pursue that marketing strategy it would not work out well for them people go to Tony Roma's because they want ribs that's what the place is known for and that's where they know they can get them they can get salads anywhere and in this metaphor a salad is anything that

I can get from a sexual relationship that I could also get elsewhere say from my friends or family or colleagues or myself men go to their sexual relationships for sex for the same reason people go to Tony Roma's for ribs what's on the menu is in the [ __ ] name and embracing this reality helps both women and Tony Roma's prosper so it doesn't quite make sense to me that a woman might feel put off by a man's sexual interest in her especially if she's already in a sexual relationship with him can you imagine the

waiter at Tony Roma's condescendingly asking so you only want ribs it's not wise to shame your customers if those patrons weren't interested in ribs they wouldn't have come through your door and you can't get anything from a customer who won't walk through your door now can you on the one hand advertising your availability as a sexual partner and upholding strict social mores about the sexual Monopoly of sexual relationships well on the other hand shaming and degrading men who appropriately bring their sexual interest where it is advertised and socially approved is an enormous double bind it

is unlikely to prove a successful mating strategy for women and it will likely degrade the quality of the relationship for any man unfortunate enough to stay in one this might be a bitter pill for some women to swallow but I gotta keep it real for you if you want to be seen as more than just a sexual object you need to provide more than sexual value if you were to go out with me what would generally happen on the first few dates well I kind of set everything up I take the initiative and ask you

out so I'm disproportionately assuming the risk and the responsibility for both of us I established the time the date the place and I'm going to pay for everything on the date I'm funny making you laugh Charming making you feel engaged I'm intelligent making you think and I'm interested making you feel special in this common dating scenario you just basically have to show up and without sex what exactly am I getting out of this interaction where do I get what I want do you see so if you the woman want to be seen as more than

just a sexual partner then be smarter than me and teach me something I don't already know or be funnier than me and make me laugh or be more Charming than me and make me feel something or be kinder than me and offer me emotional support or if that's too much to ask buy me a drink or take some initiative so that I don't have to be responsible for every last detail of the interaction I already have plenty to do and my time and resources are not Limitless unpopular opinion but it's your responsibility to demonstrate that

you have more to offer than simply sex but if you're not funny and you're not that smart and you're not treating me to anything and you're not taking initiative or responsibility and you're not particularly kind or supportive well what else is on the menu that is a real honest question and you need to think about that and you have to understand that the value proposition here is relative you may think that you're funny and smart and sugar and spice and everything nice but are you funny and smart and what have you relative to me let's

be honest the higher the value of the ma'am you happen to be dating the harder it will be for you to provide positive relative value for instance if I make significantly more than you it's going to be harder for you to foot the bill at the places I like to go if I'm very intelligent it's going to be increasingly difficult for you to tell me something I don't already know and if you're not that Charming I will probably have to do the entertaining for both of us so what's the upshot that it's actually easier for

women to be perceived as more than just a sexual partner with lower status men but those aren't the men they generally want to sleep with so women are kind of on the horns of a dilemma either she has to really develop her skills and virtues relative to the men she would prefer to mate and date or she has to kind of make peace with the fact that when people go to Tony Roma's they want to eat ribs personally I think it makes a lot of sense to play to your unique strengths in fact I could

teach women to get pretty much any man that they want but one of the ways that women really shoot themselves in the collective foot is not accepting men's sexual interest and appetite ladies you gotta think it about it in terms of marketing if you want ribs where do you think about going and if a particular man wants sex which he will where do you want him to think about going something to consider what do you think does this fit with your own experience let me know in the comments below and if you've gotten this far

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