I'm Dr Orion terban and this is psyx Better Living Through psychology and the topic of today's short talk is the secret to a successful relationship this is something that I learned about 15 years ago the secret that I'm about to reveal was actually sparked by a conversation I had with a mentor of mine and I'd like to begin this episode by sharing that anecdote with you so here I was in my mid-20s and I was complaining to this mentor of mine about the apparent lack of satisfactory women in the dating Market basically I was looking
for a partner and I was having trouble finding women who could meet me at my level or at the very least who could engage me in the sort of things in which I was authentically interested and after all wasn't that the point of a relationship I remember telling this man that I wanted a woman who I could talk to about quantum mechanics and who read Shakespearean literature and who enjoyed Wilderness backpacking and who was interested in Enlightenment in spiritual discipline I mean these were the things that I liked so why should I settle for anything
less unfortunately I found that it was very rare to find a woman I was attracted to who was interested in even one of these things let alone several of them and after allowing me to vent my spleen for a while this Mentor looked at me and I'll never forget what he said he said Orion why the [ __ ] would you want to talk to a woman about quantum mechanics and this phraseology of course was very helpful in that it shocked me out of my pre-existing mindset and left me open to hearing his explanation which
was basically this look if you want to talk about quantum mechanics that's your right I suppose but find a guy to do that with you don't need a woman to talk about quantum mechanics you need somebody who's knowledgeable about quantum mechanics which could be a woman but doesn't have to be a woman you understand you're free to do what you want Orion but you should take care about about what you go about wanting from a woman and after hearing this explanation it was like a light bulb went off above my head and it inspired me
to reexamine my approach to dating from a very different angle and the angle was this I listed out all the things that up until that time I had wanted to get from a romantic relationship things like someone who is my best friend or who shared my intellectual passions or who held similar interests or who res at with my core values Etc I listed out all of the things and I asked of each of these things one question namely could this need be satisfied in the context of any other relationship on the planet outside of a
sexual relationship with a woman and in the vast majority of cases the answer to that question was yes yes this particular need could be satisfied in a different kind of relationship ship this could have been a professional relationship among colleagues or a familial relationship with relatives or a friendship with male buddies or an acquaint ship with activity Partners or even a moment of connection with a fellow human being it could have been any of these things and I made a decision right then and there that moving forward if I could get a particular social or
emotional need met outside of a sexual relationship with a woman then I would get that social or emotional need met elsewhere and as a result I would only bring to a woman with whom I was interested in having a sexual relationship the needs and wants that I either could not or would not get satisfied in any other relationship I could possibly have with any other person on the planet as you might expect this dramatically simplified what I was looking for in a woman from literally dozens and dozens of things to just three or four things
and this one intervention possibly more than anything else in my life has not only significantly improved my hit rate in meeting satisfactory women but has allowed me to have satisfying relationships with radically different kinds of women as well these things are set in stone and completely non-negotiable but anything outside of these criteria is completely up for grabs this allows me to consider the broadest possible subset of women who still meet the minimum necessary criteria for a relationship if you appreciate the insights on this channel I would highly encourage you to get your hands on a
copy of my book the value of others over the course of 432 pages I delve deep into my economic model of relationships and explain the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating IND I also provide a lot of actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what you want in the sexual Marketplace once you read the value of others you'll never look at relationships the same way again now available in ebook audiobook and paperback formats the links are in the description all right so what were those few things I'm
so glad you asked first and foremost as might be expected was sex as a heterosexual man sex was the number one thing that I could get from a female romantic partner that I couldn't get anywhere else just as I prioritized earnings in my professional relationships as these were the only relationships in which I received income I began to prioritize sex in my sexual relationships as these were the only relationships in which I could receive that good in this Segway into need number two she needed to be sufficiently physically attractive to me to both consistently desire
sex from her otherwise what was the point of the first Criterion and to prevent the feeling that I could have done better basically I needed to be able to walk into the vast majority of rooms without feeling that I would rather have some other woman on my arm and this is because I knew that I wouldn't be able to stay in the relationship long term if that wasn't the case sometimes you have to be real with yourself even if your reality isn't particularly socially flattering the third Criterion was femininity that sweet softness that is particular
to women with whom you're in an intimate relationship as it would be inappropriate for even that same woman to really lean into that dimension of herself in say a purely professional or platonic relationship ship outside of escorts which I had made a decision not to use I reasoned that these three needs could not be satisfied outside of a sexual relationship with a woman however my experience with dating women had taught me that these three criteria were not enough I had dated several very sexual attractive and feminine women who absolutely destroyed my peace of mind and
quality quity of life so the fourth and final Criterion was that she be inoffensive meaning that the woman didn't create any additional problems that would detract from the benefit that I would acrew from the satisfaction of the other three criteria women inoffensiveness is the key to being selected for a long-term relationship with men when I look over my life the women with whom I've had the longest most satisfying relationships were not particularly impressive or superlative they weren't the hottest women I had dated or the cleverest or the most accomplished they were the least offensive it
might sound weird to say but we stayed together because there was never any reason not to that is they satisfied the first three criteria without creating any unnecessary issues that would have invalidated the fourth as I've previously mentioned you absolutely must never disrespect the man with whom you'd like to have a long-term relationship disrespect is the unbreakable rule but being in offensive means more than just not being disrespectful it means not being rude or withholding or unstable or envious or judgmental or complaining etc etc like no matter how hard no matter how hot you are
and how sweet you act and how good you [ __ ] these behaviors cancel out so many of the other benefits that you may actually be providing as I've said before for a woman to love well she must first clarify her love by removing all the other things that aren't love that are subject to getting mixed up with her expression of love the fact of the matter is that in order to keep a man a woman needn't be good but she absolutely can't be bad in any case this was just the product of my own
examination you men out there can examine your own needs and wants and consider which of them can be uniquely satisfied in sexual relationships with women irrespective of the details the advice is the same do what you can to get those needs and wants met in any other relationship that could possibly do so this is because it will almost certainly be easier cheaper and more enjoyable to get those needs and wants met elsewhere doing so radically simplifies your relationships and helps you focus on what your relationships are really about it also comes with the added benefit
that if you only want a few things from women it's going to be much harder for women to disappoint you I appreciate that it can sound bad to expect less of women but I do think this helps make relationships more sustainable and I think it does this by approximating the way that intersexual relationships including marriages have existed for thousands of years for most of human history people had existed in extended kin networks and lived in small tribes or Villages people had meaningful relationships with scores of people however with the Advent of the nuclear family and
the dissolution of communities we often expect our romantic Partners to be an entire Village which just isn't possible people used to get more of their needs met elsewhere so there were fewer expectations for their marriages maybe we modern folks can take a page from our Collective histories what do you think does this fit with your own experience let me know in the comments below and please send this episode to someone who might benefit from its message because it's Word of Mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow and anyone looking to
join my free Weekly Newsletter or book a paid consultation can do so on my website links in the description as always I appreciate your support and thank you for listening
