hi I'm Dr Becky and I'm back with another video about narcissists so in this video I'm going to talk about what I would consider the most dangerous of narcissists overall the nice guy narcissist of course when I say guy this could easily be a female as well so the nice guy narcissist is particularly dangerous because no one suspects the butterfly and what I mean by that is if someone is showing signs of being kind caring considering does a lot for other people you will initially think that this is a very nice person and you would
not suspect that actually they have very low empathy and put themsel first and that actually they're they find it very difficult to see your perspective so that's going to be a shock and actually probably quite traumatic when you find out that this person is actually a ncce and not the nice guy or a female that they present themselves to be so if you end up getting romantically involved with this person it can be particularly upsetting particularly shocking particularly distressing because then you realize you've actually developed romantic feelings for someone who is not actually who they've
pretended to be so I'm going to talk you through 13 signs that someone actually might be a nice guy narcissist sign number one is excessive flattery so the love bombing stage might be particularly prominent if you get romantically involved with a nice guy narcissist so they'll shower you at comp lients and they will do a lot of people pleasing Behavior at the start of getting to know them because they want to make you feel really good so that you like them but the thing to remember here is that it is self-serving Behavior the reason that
they're being so kind and nice to you well when I say kind they're not really kind individuals but they're acting nice towards you and the reason they're acting so nice towards you is because they want something out of it and that is their ultimate goal they want you to like them because actually if you don't like them then that's going to be very difficult for their ego they're going to experience an ego wound whenever people don't like them they're very sensitive to criticism and they're going to have issues with that so it's highly important to
them that you like them and that causes a whole host of problems such as honesty being transparent direct communication so there's a lot of reasons why actually getting involved with the nice guy narcissis is going to be problematic in the long run sign number two is their Charming Persona they come across as extremely likable in social situations and this is where you see the people pleasing Behavior creeping in again it's so important for them to be liked that they will try to come across as quite Charming in whatever way they can perhaps being quite quick
witted or intelligent or being able to entertain a crowd or at least build rapport with significant people particularly people who are quite important or who will have have some kind of value to them number three is that they'll hold a grandio self-image in some shape or form so they might just feel like they're particularly self-entitled or that they're Superior to you or some other people there will be some elements of having these kind of grandiose ideas about themselves but this is mixed with a lot of doubt and a fragile sense of self as well so
actually behind it all there's deep insecurities sign number four is inconsistent Behavior so the person who is the nice guy narcissist will switch from being really accommodating and doing a lot for you to being very dismissive and not very considerate so they'll show signs of behavior that's very unpredictable and this will mean that actually it'll be quite High it'll be quite hard for you to rely on them they'll often actually put other people's needs before yours and this will be quite confusing because they'll start coming across as if it's really important to help these other
people and kind of come across as a martyr um and actually the only reason they're not attending to your needs is they have these huge duties towards other people which might be their family members or strangers or people they barely know and this will make it very hard for you to complain in this situation or express your feelings or to say that actually your needs are very important because they will actually make it seem like they have no other choice but to help these other people um so this is kind of confusing because you will
feel that actually at times you don't have their attention or focused at all because they all of playing do gter to other people manipulative niceness this might look like manipulative kindness but nice guy and NC are not kind at all so this nice behavior is in order to gain trust or control over a situation highly manipulative so they will go above and beyond to help people and then actually people's view of them will be that this is a very nice person um of course this can be problematic because this can be sustained with acquaintances over
a very long period of time so this person actually might have lots of friends fairly loose friends and acquaintances who this person has been consistently nice and helpful towards over the years no conflict nothing too problematic and that relation those relationships have been maintained very well but in romantic situations because in a romantic situation conflict arises that absolutely needs to be addressed and worked through that's where actually these relationships might look very different so when a romantic partner is with a Sky narcissist and they experience problems in the relationship sometimes when they start to try
and explain this to other people or they're confiding in other people who know the individual and they're trying to explain how difficult it is to be in a relationship with them and they're trying to perhaps seek the understanding of empathy from other people then actually these people can be very confused because their view of the nice Sky NCIS is that actually they're a nice person um so it can be very difficult to actually show other people when it's appropriate to do so and when you absolutely need to seek the support of other people in order
to confide in them in relation to your relationship difficulties um it can be very difficult for you to be able to explain the torture and the torment and the the pain that you're going through being in a relationship with this person because that's not the view that others have of this individual sign number six is seeking praise from other people so validation from others is very important important so you will notice certain behaviors that they do in their life which is all about gaining validation from other people that might be to do with their career
it might be in relation to their actions on social media it might be that they need a lot of Praise from you as a partner and that you can't give them any constructive feedback number seven the Martyr complex now the Marty complex is when someone appears like they're a victim and that they're self-sacrificing for other people and that they have no choice in the matter whatsoever I was working with a client and her partner had signed himself up every Sunday to cook dinner for 40 people and he made it seem like it was his duty
and that he absolutely had to do it it was an obligation there was no way out of it this is something he completely volunteered to do which is totally fine he clearly enjoyed doing it but whenever my client needed him and had a genuine reason for needing him on that day in emergency situation or when something actually really important would come up in the relationship that they needed time to discuss and it was quite serious he would make it seem like there was no way out of this dinner Arrangement and that he had to cook
for the troops as he would call them but actually this is just something that he volunteered to do and if he didn't cook for these people they would just cook for for themselves uh they were competent adults who cooked every other night of the week for themselves um but actually he really presented this as a something he was obligated to do and had no way out of and my client found it very difficult then to be able to say what her needs were and on the occasions on the odd Sunday when she really needed him
she felt that there was no possibility of getting his time on those occasions number eight is inability to handle criticism so you cannot have constructive conversations with these individuals they do not take criticism very well and this is because of their fragile ego it causes them so much shame to receive feedback about thems that is not positive because it Taps into this shame that they're carrying about them not being worthy and them not being good enough which is their core belief that they're carrying and trying to hide so even the most minor of criticism they
will find it very hard to take and that's where you see some acting out behaviors in conversations you might just see extreme avoidance when difficult conversations come up or you might see unusual types of reactions to conversations that most people would engage in in a more positive way number nine is gaslighting Tendencies now remember this is the nice guy narcissist so the gas lighting has to be pretty subtle but he will do things to make you doubt your perception but he'll do it in a very nice way so this will be a very gentle tone
it will just be things that suggest certain things um perhaps you you've you've started a company you've put a lot of work into that company and this might actually trigger jealousy in the nice guy NCIS and he might actually get you to doubt some of the things that you have planned for that company and uh he'll guise it as advice and positive feedback but actually those doubts might creep into your mind and then you might change your decision making now of course the exact same behavior might take place from a genuinely nice partner and the
key difference here is does the feedback come from a place of Love or does the feedback come from a place of jealousy and actually it's very hard to know does this person have your best interest at heart and is that why they're actually being very they're telling you things that you perhaps don't want to hear is it because they love you and they want you to do well and and they genuinely are fighting your corner or are they actually trying to sabotage you in some way because actually they feel threatened by what you're doing number
10 is boundary violation so actually in terms of the things are important to you and the boundaries you've set he won't respect this but again he will do it in the nice guy nicest way so that has to be quite discreet and it has to be that it doesn't make him look bad so actually you might see that he does something extremely out of character so perhaps he gets drunk one night and he actually hits on your best friend that that is really confusing if you've been in a relationship with the nice guy narcissist because
the nice guy narcissist means that you think you're in a relationship with a nice guy so therefore if he gets drunk and he hits on your friend well your partner who is a nice guy wouldn't do that so this is the the most shocking thing that could possibly happen in your life on one hand you think you're dating this very nice person they're doing nice things for you all of the time they are overly helpful and then they totally betray you so actually the boundary violation and there could be so many different types of boundaries
which are violated will happen when you least expect it and it will probably shock you so much that you might even excuse the behavior or think that you're going mad or that the behavior was warranted or rationalized in some way or that it just didn't happen so perhaps you suspect your phone has been checked without your permission Well you're dating the nice guy and nice guy wouldn't do that um so actually in the early stages of the relationship your boundaries might be being violated without you knowing because the nice guy narcissist is going to be
very secretive about his behavior that's not very nice sign number 11 that someone might be a nice guy narcissist is triangulation they might involve other people in the relationship and actually make sure that there's problems between you and these other people those might be friends or family members or they might drag in another romantic partner or not be finished with their last romantic partner before starting relationship with you so triangulation is very common with nice guy narcissist again you won't expect it and you won't understand why they're doing it and you'll try to rationalize that
behavior but actually it is to do with their ego because if there's someone who's fighting for their attention or someone else who is in love with them then they feel much better about thems so this is a game that they play called let you and him fight so they're basically setting up two people to fight over them in some shape or form sometimes this might just be family members where they subtly say things that their family members have said about you so that you don't like the family members and then there's tension that's being caused
so this is often quite subtle and sometimes the nice guy nicest is not aware of this Behavior it can be so compulsive um sometimes it's compulsive cheating sometimes it's compulsive seduction without even cheating um it can just be a need to feel loved and to be fought over by two different people number 12 is narcissistic rage now you will not expect this from the nice guy narcissist but behind their nice guy facade there is anger and aggression especially when their ego is threatened and they will not manage this anger they do not want to look
bad so they're going to ignore you they're going to ghost you they're going to avoid conflict and you will not be able to communicate with them or get your knees met from them when they're angry with you you often won't understand that you've done anything wrong because they're not going to be assertive they're not going to be direct with you because being direct means that they don't come across as the nice guy so we're actually dealing with any form of conflict with a nice guy narcissis is impossible and that's going to be really tough for
you sign number 13 is they will give you conditional love so their love comes with strings attached either materialistic strings or emotional strings either you have to provide for them in a materialistic way or you have to over overly provide for them in an emotional way so you are going to be paying the price for being in this relationship often nice guy NES depend very very heavily on females to provide far more in the relationship than is equal or is fair I've often seen with nice guy narcissists that actually they enter into relationships with women
who are able to provide more financially and if they're not able to provide more financially they do everything around the house so with the nice Sky narcissist expect to be giving more than you're receiving in this relationship and that's going to be pretty painful for you this can be quite tough if you come across a nice guy narcissist who seems to need a bit of help at the start of the relationship perhaps they're struggling in some shape or form and you decide out of the goodness of your heart to help them out financially perhaps you
decide to move in fairly early on and you take the burden in relation to paying the rent they've promised that once they get into their new career they're going to sort that side of things out and they're going to pay an equal payment but often that day never comes so even if they end up in the new job there will be reasons why they can't pay their Fair fair share and you will end up carrying the weight of that relationship either financially or emotionally and that's going to be really tough so those were the 13
signs that you might be in a relationship with the nice guy narcissist of course not everyone who has traits of narcissism actually have full-blown narcissistic personality disorder because narcissism is on a spectrum so if you are in a relationship with a nice guy narcissist and it's been very confusing for you because you haven't realized for a long time that they are a NCIS and now things are starting to piece together and you're realizing the reality of the situation you're probably going to need a lot of support from your friends loved ones and maybe even some
professional help if you've been carrying shame because actually the relationship has been a burden to you and you've been carrying a lot of the weight and you've been doing more than your fair share in the relationship a really good thing to do is to speak openly about what's been going on in the relationship to your close friends and family members and anyone that you have in your life who's really supportive cuz then the more you talk about what's wrong with this relationship and how your needs are not being met and how your partner actually doesn't
care about your emotions it's going to be easier for you to make a decision about what to do next because the thing is you cannot stay in a situation where your partner does not have high levels of empathy for you that's going to be a really painful situation for you to stay in so it's good to start to plan actually what are you going to do so that your emotional well-being is much better than currently is because your mental health will have been affected if you've been in a relationship or if you are in a
relationship with a nice guy NCIS of course professional help like talking therapy can be helpful but the therapist needs to know a lot about narcissism because otherwise they might get confused and think that this is actually a relationship that's far more equal and even than it really is and remember that nice guy narcissist are not kind they do nice behaviors but nice behaviors is not kind kindness comes from the heart kindness requires empathy and it doesn't matter how many nice things the nice guy nicest has done from time to time if he doesn't care about
your feelings then this is going to be a painful relationship for you if you do have any comments or questions about this topic leave them in the comments below and if you want to watch more of my content please subscribe to my channel
