Your CODEPENDENCY is ruining everything. HOW to change.

I think the most interesting thing that I saw about codependency was in a book called codependent no more which I recommend and every book that I have read on the subject or has helped me I will link in my Amazon list and put it in the description box below the most interesting thing that I heard about it was the concept of codependency which kind of aligns really well with the whole idea of being anxiously attached and it's almost like the next level it's like the addiction process of that attachment style the most interesting thing I

heard was the idea of codependency first originated from Alcoholics Anonymous when people used to go to AAA meetings there used to be meetings for the people who are attached to the people in the AAA so the alcoholics would have like wives or girlfriends or friends or husbands or whoever they were who formed their own Support Network but in this book it talks about how the psychologist or the psychiatrist I can't remember what her role was noticed that there was a really strong pattern the behaviors of the people attached to the people with addictions so they

were very clingy needy controlling and she describes it almost with like a harsh reality of really harsh tendencies in their personalities which she saw through line in and when I used to be anxiously attached when I was younger in my teens and 20s due to how I grew up I guess anxious attachment and we'll go into that in a minute is a result of your childhood and upbringing and understanding of how the world is and being able to self-soothen all those things I definitely had codependent tendencies in terms of the fact that that was the

only way I felt like I could control my life and my feeling of safety essentially codependency is that it is trying to create a feeling of safety in the world that you don't feel safe in it is a series of adverse childhood circumstances that leads you to not be able to self-regulate not be able to self-soothe not be able to understand that people are not out there to hurt you you don't have secure attachment but you probably have one of the other three anxious avoidant or fearful fearful avoidant which is a combination of the two

so avoidant is you've decided somewhere in childhood that all people are gonna abandon you anyway they're useless and it doesn't have to come from a massive trauma it could just come from parents that work a lot it could come from the fact that people used to not people your main attachment figure used to tell you oh you know we'll we'll play later they just provided you with the food you needed but they never really made you feel like they want to spend time with you and that is so crucial to the development of any human

being that you feel worthy in the fact that you're just there and you're alive and you're somebody to be accounted for the other style is anxious where instead of going forget you all I'm going out on my own I don't need this I'm just gonna broke you all away instead you say what I'm gonna do is do everything in my power to make everyone around me happy with me golden child syndrome and I will tick all the boxes in order for you to be around me and that is what I'll do the last one is

a mixture of the two so sometimes UV are anxious please please be with me and then when it's too much you're like leave me alone if you have the anxious attachment style which is the one I'm familiar with I'm also familiar with avoidance because normally anxious people are attracted to avoidance and vice versa they find I guess the damage in each other which serves for healing because I'm familiar with it I can understand what codependency is and it often stems from an anxious attachment style so why does the feeling of Addiction come into play with

the whole idea of codependency addiction is the use of something it doesn't have to be alcohol it can be food it can be anything in order to medicate pain with adverse effects so it's going to have bad effects in your life so somewhere in your life you've decided that people are not going to be there for you that you've got to work really hard in order for them to you know do anything or be anything for you and you've decided that the only way you can heal that is by choosing somebody who and I see

this a lot in my emails from women is not exactly the ideal partner for you has many deficits that you need to manage so in the classic case it's usually an alcoholic whose life you have to manage you have to make sure nobody finds out how much they drink you've got to make sure that they're okay and they can go to work in the morning when they don't call you at night you're running around wondering which bar they're in and trying to collect them that's the classic case of the alcoholic and the co-dependent but it

goes way further than that in modern world understanding a lot of times in the emails I get it's the guy who's following lots of women online isn't ready for a relationship isn't ready for this one the other one and she's there managing the whole situation and her whole life let me tell you this is how you know if you're codependent your whole life is taken up with the management of this situation and you've got no time for yourself you've got no time for your well-being over time you've got no time for your own Hobbies you've

got no time for your own life you've got no time for your own ideas and you have lost touch of what is good for you what makes you thrive what makes you an individual because now you've blended into the supporting and helping role of this person and the reason my dear codependent that you choose somebody who's got these major deficits and whose life you've got to manage in the emails it's like he's between jobs and he's just finding himself he told me he divorced his wife but he isn't sure yet he he told me this

one the other one but he just doesn't know it's always these tragic cases of things that you've got to manage and that take over your life and the reason they're codependent that you chose this person is because you don't feel worthy my love of somebody who is good for you you think that you've got to choose someone broken in order to manage them micromanage them control them and nobody else will want them because they are essentially broken and in you fixing them you will find your worth because you don't have worth in what it is

to be you you haven't figured that out you don't know you haven't formed those neural Pathways so all you can do is be of service and help to This Disaster of a person in order to find your own value and of course they won't leave you because look how useful you are look how useful and helpful you are how could they leave you you're so useful and helpful but you have now become a shell of a person you don't know what you like you don't know who you are you don't know where to go what

to do when you look at yourself and you're thinking oh you probably watch my feminine energy videos and you think oh maybe I'll amplify my feminine energy now and he'll find me attractive again maybe I'll do this maybe I'll do that maybe I'll dress like JLo it's none of it you've lost so much the center of who you are or maybe you never even knew the center of who you are and you are in this mess of codependency codependency at its core is basing your worth on not on yourself but on the relationship and your

role in it and I think the saddest thing about it and the toxic trait of it and I used to identify this in myself is negative control it's a terminology used for wanting to control a person in order to be almost like a succubus you know the sharks that swim and they have the fish that attaches to them that's codependency but imagine that fish was trying to control the shark this person needs so much to live through the other person to make them better to make them feel better in the scenario of the alcoholic to

make sure they come home from the bar to make sure no one at their work knows what they're doing and to facilitate their life in a good and flowing way that they find their identity in it and it has been shown again and again and again in science that people who have codependency and people who have these Tendencies suffer a lot physiologically they develop high levels of cortisol they are stressed they develop illnesses ailments and diseases which otherwise wouldn't have occurred apparently I'm not a doctor but this is what the studies say without that level

of stress these people under are under so much stress that managing this type of Lifestyle because essentially this is the sad but I guess amazing truth is you can't control somebody else or you can control is your own perception and your own reality of what life is I think the key to understanding whether you are codependent is if you are in a relationship that is to your demise like in the addiction example and understanding whether you spend most of your time thinking about your relationship the biggest change I saw for myself going from anxiously attached

and codependent Tendencies is to to now I am securely attached with none of those Tendencies is that I used to feel and crave the relief of knowing exactly what someone's doing controlling them and feeling good with that now I crave the relief of letting that person be their own person and growing myself I always use the example of the spotlight and it's almost like the spotlight has been turned from them and who they are and what I need them to do and my um self-worth being anything to do with them to onto myself I can

now and I use the example that is so triggering for a lot of people but I know who I'm talking to and that is anxious people with her dependent Tendencies and that is be selfish and be self-obsessed because you don't actually know how to do that and the reason I use terminology that is so inflammatory is because it needs to be knocked into your head to understand that you need to be your own main character this person will never satisfy you or give you the Merit that you need and furthermore if they are worthy of

you and sometimes that is possible that they are actually a really good person and things will work out the key here is that if you disappear into the ether of nothingness because you are now just a codependent to them you will eventually lose any meaning for them so you will get the result the opposite result of what you want because what you've now become is a complete sidekick to them you've got no personality no flavor no spice added to the relationship okay you've disappeared your need for control you're erratic you're unstable and if you read

the book codependent no more brilliant book it describes these negative traits that the people who are attached to the addicts have they're very negative controlling traits and nobody wants to be around that for a long time so essentially even if you do meet a good person or the person you're with is a good person you will push them away nobody needs to be controlled why do you do you do it it's a very clear and sad reason you will never valued in your childhood you did not know how to self-soothe you did not know how

to co-regulate with somebody when you were sad nobody sat looked you in the eye and said hey we can figure this out this is what we're going to do you had to like Mowgli With The Wolves raise yourself in order to have coping strategies almost of a toddler in order to live your life so now this is what you do the only time you feel safe is when you are controlling a situation or somebody outside of yourself but the reality is real safety only comes when you master yourself it's from self-mastery it's from coming into

that room where you used to be as a child confused scared worthless sitting down in your adult form looking into your eyes as that child and saying what is it that you need I am now grown and I am here to provide that for you I am here there is no one else you need and being there for that younger self that you had giving yourself that time because in being codependent with this person you are betraying your younger self you're betraying yourself you are again putting yourself in the second position and just trying to

survive by placating someone else and facilitating their life it's time you stop and be there for you like nobody else was I think recovery starts with admitting that there is an issue understanding that this is not conducive to life with a healthy person or with an addict you cannot go through life controlling another human being it will not result in anything good Pure or Worthy valuable that there is so much more in you so much juice to give you are such a juicy orange and right now you're just playing second fiddle to somebody else and

it comes from that Spotlight being onto yourself and I think there is many theories and you can read them on how to heal but my main one and the only one is understanding that you are born as you and you are here for you and you are set the mission to go from where you were to where you want to be and the vessel that you can use to do that is your human body and your potential you can grow a Seedling into something incredible and you're not going to do that by trying to control

someone else it's the scariest thing letting go of control letting it be what it will be that person might leave you and not need you because all they ever needed you for is for your services rendered but that is not what you were born for that's not what you are here for your mission is so much bigger than that and it's so much more powerful than that and you need to turn that light or focus on to yourself and move forward with pride in this world because there is only one you and that is such

an arbitrary thing to say because we don't believe it because there's so many human beings population blah blah blah the idea that your parents slept together at that time with that specific combination of DNA is one in trillions of all the human beings that could have lived of all the combinations and times that could have existed you were born and you weren't born to be a codependent you were born to deal with everything that happened and come through it thank you very much for watching please subscribe to this channel it means the world to me

it supports it a lot and if you don't want to give this video a like that would be a compromise thank you so much I love you lots see you in the next one [Music] foreign [Music]