do you think that codependents might be something that you're struggling with do you ever worry that it's getting in the way of having healthy relationships well it's a struggle for a lot of us in in my last video I talked about why people become codependent what it what is kind of all about and why so many people do really struggle with it and how it can get in the way of us having happy and healthy relationships the kind of relationships that we deserve so today we are going to talk about the eleven key signs that
you or maybe somebody that you know is struggling with codependent and then we're going to talk about three really simple things that we can do to start moving through this one if we are disconnecting for the first time my name is Julia Kristina and I am a registered therapists researcher and online course creator and I have a master's degree in counseling psychology and I work to help men and women get through the crap that is holding them back so they can like themselves in their lives more every day so that we can all like ourselves
on their lives more every day because I think that's what most of us want so codependence and i'm not going to go into specifically all the ins and outs of it because I did that in my last video and I'll put a link to that here so make sure that you check that out if you're new to the whole codependence thing but here I really wanted to break down the eleven key signs that that you might be struggling with it so this stuff is really connecting with you and resonating with you then it's going to
be time to to start doing something about it first we need that awareness first we need that insight and then we need to take the constructive action to heal and deal and work through it some good work through whatever it is that we're struggling with so essentially I'm just going to lay it out to you codependence is the need to be needed not liking being needed not enjoying being needed not just feeling good when we're needed but absolutely needing to be needed by especially our significant other but maybe even most people that we find our
identity in being needed by other people and that's the boundary between healthy and unhealthy dependence is it becomes codependent when we need to be needed so those eleven signs I'm not going to go into too much detail they're pretty self-explanatory so the first one is that you're someone who feels responsible for solving other people's problems and you feel like if you can't solve somebody's problems you can't fix their problem for them then you're scared that they're going to leave you because maybe that all you think that you bring to the relationship is being able to
solve people's problems or fix them fix their problems for them and so the next one is you find it almost impossible to say no and end up giving way more to the relationship than the other person that you maybe even feel like the survival of the relationship is up to you that you're responsible for keeping the relationship together it's all on you the next one you get really hurt or upset or even maybe bitter or resentful when you feel like people aren't praising you and recognizing you for everything that you're doing because you are doing
a lot you're giving a lot you're giving everything but then maybe even feeling ripped off or taken advantage of or taken for granted when people don't recognize everything that you are doing and then the next one is that you may need to feel in control all the time and avoid conflict or any kind of upset at any cost that you're willing to do anything give in put your own stuff aside do things that you might not necessarily want to do say things that you might not want to say act in ways that you're not even
comfortable with because you want to avoid conflict the thought of having a conflict brings up severe and significant panic in you because maybe even you feel like if there's conflict in the relationship if you do or say something that the other person doesn't like that they might just leave you if they don't have any youth proof you're not fulfilling all of their needs then they're just going to up and leave you because maybe you don't have any value or you feel like you don't have any value if you're not meeting all of their all the
time the next one is you have a hard time trusting yourself and really feel like if you ever make a mistake that people are going to abandon you like there's a lot riding on you there's a lot of pressure you really feel like people are just going to give up on you if you ever make a mistake if you ever make a wrong move it's ever screw up do you really feel all this pressure to do it right to meet everyone's needs to be what other people want you to be or maybe if it's just
that partner that key person in your life that you really feel like it's all on you to get it right all the time number six is you feel like your only value in the relationship comes from being able to save that person fix them get them through their problems fix their problems for them maybe clean up their messes deal with their stuff fix everything around them kind of going around trying to make everything in their life okay for them that you're the one that feels like it's up to you to do it for them and
the next one is number seven is that you may do anything to hold on to the relationship even if it's something that's unsafe or destructive that you may be willing to compromise a lot you may be willing to do a lot of things that you wouldn't normally otherwise because you feel like it's what you need to do to hang on to the relationship because you don't actually believe that you could survive alone that you don't actually believe that you could do it alone if you're doing willing to do some pretty compromising things sometimes just to
hang on to the relationship and then the other part of that is that you're willing to do things or not speak up or not set a boundary or not not assert your own want to me their preferences in the relationship because if you do you feel really guilty if you ever make the relationship about you if you ever speak up if you ever say anything you feel really guilty you feel really bad and maybe even really scared that the person is just going to get fed up just like that and leave you and then the
next one is that you will do anything to make that person feel better to fix their problem to solve their issue to come in and save them from whatever it is even if you're putting your own health and safety at risk even if it really could be dangerous for you that you're willing to do it that the reward of feeling like you are the savior you're the one who fixed it you're the one who is needed by that person that that is worth it to you to maybe do something that could be putting you at
risk and then the next one is that you might even have a hard time identifying your own feelings you might really struggle to know what you're feeling it's like Julia it's nice to say that I'm doing everything that this other person I'm trying to meet all of their needs but what if I don't even know what my needs are what if I don't even know what my feelings are and that often happens when we struggle with codependent and we're so used to being there for somebody else we're so used to doing it all and like
wrapping ourselves up in other people's stuff and making it all about them that we we lose sight and we lose knowledge and we lose that understanding within ourselves about who we are and what's important to us and what we need and then the last one is that you may only really feel important or valued or feel like you have any worth in a relationship when they need you when your partner when other people who need you and maybe even the sense that they can't live without you that this may even draw you to choose partners
who are really needy who are in crisis who are struggling who have a serious or significant mental health issue or an addiction issue or something else that you feel like you know it's not that if you have a partner who has a mental health struggle or an addiction that you're codependent I'm not saying that but I'm staying for those of us who may be codependent to look at this am I in this relationship because I need to be needed and is that kind of the main reason why I'm there so what can we do about
this three really simple things that we can start doing to deal with this one and the first one is to really do some soul-searching to really do some spend some time with ourselves and figuring out Who am I what's important to me what do I need what makes me tick like really Who am I Who am I outside of being someone who just needed all the time what lights Mia what do I love what am I good at and really developing more of these other aspects of ourselves outside of just what we can do for
other people Who am I and really developing that self and to create more of that balance that we can do things for other people that it's nice to be needed by them that we can help people out and support them encourage them because we like that not because that's all we've got going for us or feel like that's all we have going for us so developing this other side of ourselves and then the next one is to learn how to create healthy boundaries to learn how to know where the limits are between being helpful and
supportive and taking on other people's stuff and trying to fix them for them so where's that boundary and you're the boundary is between healthy and unhealthy support or healthy and unhealthy being there for someone is when it's unhealthy we feel stressed out we feel worn out we feel maybe even bitter resentful overwhelmed with other people's problems and where it's healthy is where we feel like I can be there for them I can support them I can you know I can work with them on this one it feels good I feel like I'm being a good
friend I feel like I'm being a good partner or whatever it is and I'm like I feel like I can sustain this I feel like I can do this I feel like I can I can keep doing this because I'm not trying to fix it for them I'm just trying to be there for them and support them and we'll go into detail in another talk knowing really what that means the difference between sympathy and empathy and you can look that up if you want to to get a little bit of a head start but empathy
is healthy and empathy we can keep doing until the cows come home and sympathy is exhausting and draining and wears us out really quickly and then the last thing that we can do and it goes without saying is really working through our deeper stuff those attachment injuries that I talked about in the first video I did about codependent that really looking at those deeper attachment injuries that stuff that's perpetuating and causing us to act in these codependent ways we can do this through reading books through attending groups like coda or even group therapy or seeing
a therapist that specializes in this kind of stuff to really go deeper and healing in and working through and figuring out how to how to get rid of some of these unhealthy ways of behaving and getting rid of this Co dependence that we can feel more free and free to love in our relationship and free to kind of have a two-way relationship and not feel burdened or stressed or like it's just one sided thing so codependence it's a complicated one it's a complex one is one that a lot of people struggle with and it can
be really stressful and can be really overwhelming and when we're in the process of dealing with it and healing from it sometimes we just need some stress management technique so I want you to grab my nine unexpected ways to immediately reduce stress I'll put the link here and you can grab that and you can start using those so as you're working through this stuff start using some of those resources to help manage your stress that might be coming up in this if are new don't forget to subscribe so that we can stay connected and like
this one share it out leave your comments in the comment section below I love hearing from you guys I love hearing your thoughts on stuff is this something that you struggle with do you know somebody who struggles with it so let's have a conversation about it and until next time take good care
