Translator: Adelina Bordea Reviewer: TED Translators admin Well, emotional dependence is very much frowned upon in today's society. No one wants to be emotionally dependent, because when we think of emotional dependence the first thing that comes to mind is a person that's. .
. I don't know. .
. clingy, people who don't want to be alone, people that don't end relationships even if they are bad. And this in our society is exactly the opposite, right?
In the man and woman society that were made by themselves that's bad news; we want people that are autonomous self-sufficient, independent. However, we forget that we are the most social species on the planet. And this is exactly the same as saying that we are the most dependent species that there is on the planet.
All of our development has been social. I know many of you will be saying, well. .
. it's normal for the kids to be dependent but the adults we have to be independent that is what psychologists have thought up until recently. We thought that development was to go from absolute dependency in infancy to absolute independence in adulthood.
But, we now know that people ultimately don't become independent Actually, what we know, is that if there were an absolutely independent adult, that would be a social and emotional disease. It would be a problem. Whether because of the solitude of that person, or whether because of the lack of empathy that this problems carry.
Actually, we're not making any progress from dependence to independence. What happens is that we change our type of dependence. When we are little we have what we call a vertical dependence.
Ok? I don't know if you see me up there In which there is a person that cares and a person that is being cared. A person that provides, and another that recieves.
That is what happens with children and parents. Throughout our life the dependency doesn't disappear but rather we go on changing its capacity up to the point of having the ability to depend horizontally, on each other; where one takes care and the other one is being cared, but also the one being cared takes care and both give. This would be the dependency ratio ideal between adults: interdependence.
Now you know that there are many adults who don't get there. You know, right? Some are your partners, and well they should have reached this point.
There are people who have difficulties with this transition. There are parents that are very good parents with dependent babies but when these children become adolescents, and they start to seek autonomy, this is a conflict. And then there are adults who, in their intimate relationships, don't look for these type of relationships but continue to look for these.
They keep searching for someone to care for them or provide for them. Or are there others that are looking for someone to look after or for someone who they can save. Or, sometimes, someone they can dominate, ok?
And these are not healthy relationships. The good dependency relationships between adults are these: the horizontal ones. What does it take to have horizontal relationships between adults?
Two things. That's what I like, to be simple. Autonomy and intimacy.
And now the next question: How can we have autonomy and intimacy? The first variable is emotional regulation. Emotional regulation is all that I have, to influence my state of mind and my emotions.
As human beings we basically have two main types of emotional regulation: Self-regulation and co-regulation. Self-regulation is all that which I do by myself, in order to influence my state of mind: going out to play sports, meditating, relaxing. .
. all of this is self-regulation co-regulation is what I do with another person or with other people to make me feel better. I get bad news, and I call someone and talking with this person makes me feel better.
This is co-regulation. These are the two main ways. We see that there are people that are very good at self-regulating but really bad at co-regulating.
What happens to these people? When they feel bad or when they experience a dispute, they tend to isolate themselves, they go because they need to self-regulate before again making contact with others. And we also see that there are people who are the opposite.
That they are very good at co-regulating, but very bad at self-regulating. What happens? When there is a conflict or they feel bad, they need to find someone else, they look for people.
Let us imagine that these two become a couple You don't have to imagine too much. They're very frequent. In which there is an "self-regulator" and a "co" and they have a conflict, what's going to happen?
The "self-regulator" will try to run and the "co" will go behind him, right? What happens? There will be no co-regulation.
They will "co-deregulate" each other. This variable, the co-regulation or the co-deregulation, it is the central element that distinguishes couples that work the good ones that malfunction. That's a problem because people as long as it co-deregulates goes further and further, it doesn't come closer, it's getting worse.
And people, when they co-deregulate don't solve the conflicts. So what you simply do? Leave them, right?
And what makes a relationship grow is the ability to resolve conflicts. The conflicts aren't the problem. The problem is how we solve those conflicts, ok?
So notice that, this element apparently insignificant is essential. Along with co-regulation, another variable very important is relational security. Which is how safe I feel when I'm alone and how safe I feel when I'm with people.
Then we already know where autonomy is. If I'm able to co-regulate myself and I'm able to be fine alone, I have autonomy capacity. If I'm able to co-regulate myself and I'm able to be fine with others, I have privacy capacity.
And this is what we need to be able to maintain healthy adult relationships, horizontals we said, right? People able to have autonomy and privacy. The news I bring you is that those people, we believe they exist.
We don't know where they are. We're looking for them, don't worry. When we find them, we'll tell you.
I call them "the Greens". They're represented with a green dot. If by any chance you find a "Green" immediately get married!
(Laughter) No domestic partnerships. Get married! "But he's so ugly.
" It doesn't matter! But he's a guy and I'm not gay. Well, nobody's perfect!
Get married! I don't know if he's good. .
. Thanks a lot! Thank you!
(Applause) And best part: I don't know if he's good in bed. He actually is! That's the worse.
Because the biggest cause of sexual dysfunction is interpersonal anxiety. And they don't have it! Those guys and girls don't have it.
I mean, they're good in bed, too. ¡Get married! Don't think about it and you'll have a happy marriage as Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy, you know they did it very well.
But well, since most people don't we have that high level of regulation you'll most likely find yourselves with people with other issues. For example, more people at this side, at the co-regulation side, okay? They are people who are co-regulated, we said, who had more problems for autonomy.
So what's their fear? Many times they are unconscious about this fear. But their basic fear is to be abandoned.
In a real way or emotionally. Their fear is people stopping to love them. They are constantly forcing people to love them.
How? Being liked, working for it a lot, being very effective, being very efficient. I guess many of you can find themselves here.
Forgetting about their own needs, looking at the needs of others. They can hardly say no. They say no two times but the third one will be a yes.
So you always have to insist three times. I always say that if you're having a work team, you must have, at least, one of this side, we call this side "dependent-submissive. " You must have at least one "dependent-submissive", who is the one doing the tasks no one else wants to do, ok?
- We have to go to pick up a speaker. - But it's daughter's birthday. "We have to go to pick".
Three times. "Ok, I'll go". And leaves the daughter.
So these are very good for work teams. They're usually done after 4 or 5 years. Fire them and put someone else in.
No fixing there anymore. Remember that. Getting a bit serious these kind of people are the ones that are in risk to begin abusive relationships.
Because they can start them and if they start them it's easier people won't let them quit the relationships. You can also find. .
. And what should we do with them? With the Greens I told you to get married.
Have you seen these ones are in yellow? What should we do? It depends.
. . If your mate is a bit caring, that's amazing!
Amazing! They'll treat you really good. You should go on with them.
They're a bit a pain in the ass; every month and a half approximately they tell you you don't love them enough, feel bad when they made you the super gift and you didn't remember their birthday. . .
Those are little things that you can easily solve. If they're very dependent, too much from the obedient side, no. One thing is you going out one night with your friends and receive one text at 1 a.
m. saying: "Have fun with your friends, baby. I love you", and another one at 3 a.
m. That's ok. Another thing is receiving 15 texts!
If you do get 15. . .
If it's your partner and you have kids, you started loving them. . .
then you stay with them! But if not there's plenty of people in the world! Look around and you'll see.
At TED. . .
A lot of people. You can search. (Laughter) (Applause) Thank you!
You can also find a person from the exact opposite side. If that's from the dependent side, this is the contradependent or avoidant side. If they are afraid of autonomy, these ones are afraid of intimacy.
If their fear was of being abandoned, those ones' fear is to be invaded. Losing their individuality, losing that autonomy they treasure. What do they do then?
They get away, drift apart. Tend to put apart the others, need a lot more space than the rest. Not only with the others, but also they need space with themselves.
They don't know it, but they don't notice their emotions in a good way, ok? They think they feel less than the rest. Either they think the rest of the world is crazy and we have a lot of emotions.
But they really feel less emotions than normal. I'm sorry for the ones that are discovering this today. Most of them are physically disconnected.
They're, usually, the ones who dance very bad. They work in computer science with a certain frequency. (Laughter) So you get to know them.
. . There are simple ways to recognize them.
You can put yourselves in front of one. . .
They're so far apart. of their feelings, that you can put yourselves in front of of one and tell him: "Hey! How do you feel?
Let's talk about your feelings. " And they usually get paralyzed. They blink about three times and say: huh?
Avoidant. No doubts. There are evident avoidance manifestos.
You've been with him for three years. You've never met no one from his family. He never met your friends.
If you haven't noticed he's avoidant I don't know what it needs anymore! These are the manifestos but also there are emotional ones who are people who, apparently, are very well related, but not really intimate. By a mystery of nature, that I don't know yet, anyone could do a doctoral thesis about it in every family there's an emotional avoidant brother-in-law.
We don't know why. It's this character you meet at Christmas meals, at barbecues. .
. You talk to him and says: "How are you? Good".
"Hey, how are you? Everything fine, very, very good". But he doesn't connect.
You may know one of those, right? Emotional avoidance. It seems that.
. . .
But intimacy costs you a lot, doesn't it? If their self-esteem depended on the others. They are less dependent of other people's opinions.
At a given moment they are more capable to say yes. If those who feel don't get what they give, they often feel like, too much demand, right? Like other people ask a lot of them, they ask for a lot of bonding.
They also get tired. They're people. .
. many times when they are carers they're very tired carers. And they also feel guilty because they feel they don't deserve all the love they recieve.
Or that they don't want as much as anyone else. And the third big block, the one that doesn't have so much to do with regulation but with relational security, is the block we call the dominant block. If those were submissive dependents, these are self-dependent.
These are dominants. If the dependents are afraid of being abandoned, the dominant ones aren't afraid of being abandoned, it's like they have, again, unconsciously, deep down, the conviction that if people really know them they're going to leave them. It's like they're worth so little, they're convinced that they're going to be abandoned.
Or, sometimes, the conviction that have come throughout his life, is that they can't trust anyone. That others are going for you to end up betraying you. So, when you're like this, how do you get into a relationship?
From the control. It's the only way they have. So then use different forms of control.
How? Aggressive control. Direct domain.
You know you can find a lot of it. Sometimes indirect control. Aggressive-passive.
The one you don't seem to be controlling. "Mom, I'm going for some beers. " "You go, son.
Have fun. Well, don't come home too late. .
. you know I can't go to bed until you don't arrive home. .
. you know I do when I don't sleep, my blood pressure goes high. .
. and when this happens, the doctor who can give me a heart attack. Be home by 11.
" It would be an aggressive passive domain. That you don't realize. There are even more subtle ones, and there are some that we call the inverse dependence.
What they do is taking care, but taking care so much that they make you become dependent of that care. They're castration-caregivers. People who are totally engulfing you.
There's a book by Stephen King, "Misery". There's a film too that portrays a bit exaggerated about this kind of pattern. Well, there you see, there we have those three big sides, right?
What happens with any of these blocks? You can see that none of them keep horizontal relationships, right? What happens with these people when they meet the greens?
They are very few, but we find some. They hardly ever go into a relationship. The greens become racist and they don't understand the others.
But the others don't understand either to the greens, okay? What other groups would fit together? For example, if we have two caregivers, will they be a couple?
They both try to please. They both try to take care of each other. None being able to receive care.
That's not good. That ends it. Two avoidants?
They may say hello to each other on the street but I'm not so sure about it. How are they going to be a couple? But imagine the exact opposite: A pleasant-caregiver with an avoidant.
The pleasant-caregiver can't help it he wants to save the avoidant from his sadness. He can't, that helpless being, who speaks little and ducks his eyes. Look how well they fit together: The Coyote and Road Runner, right?
The same goes for the dominant and the most submissive, right? It's very difficult fot the dominant to fit with another dominant. But dominant with submissive they fit perfectly well too.
That's why we see so many couples of that side. That's where they go into, not into a conflictive balance but into a conflictive escalation. That's why you've seen the dominant have the red lights I mean the red light bulbs.
Those are the ones you mustn't be a couple with. Well, those will be a bit. .
. It could work for a while, but. .
. The ideas was creating a cartoon an animated cartoon of the different kind of relationships. How they're formed how they're structured.
And how they're holding up. I'd like to finish with two quotes: From the English poet, Auden that says the following: "We must attach or die. " He's English but seems Mediterranean.
And the one from Sartre: "Hell is other people. " These two quotes represent the two sides. And the idea of quoting is that, between these two poles, between that kind of suffocating relationships and living the others like hell, there's a wide range of possible healthy relationships.
And these healthy relationships are very interesting for two reasons: First of all, because we really know each other in relation to the rest. When I'm with the others, when I have conflicts with others, In those conflicts, those parts of me that I don't like to see usually come out. The second reason why relationships are interesting, I think, is because if conflicts are resolved they help for us to learn how to love people.
They are fallible, they make mistakes, they are wrong. . .
Kind of like the rest of us, right? So you know, now when I'm done, on the break, when you meet out there, get involved, as it says, get involved or whatever you want. Depend on each other, but, please, depend in a healthy way.
Thank you very much! (Applause) Thank you.
