And that bothered me that people were trying to fix something deeply emotional so I've never met one ever who said I'm good enough I'm worthy enough what do you think it is about what you see that has people listen they were with Marissa Pierre who's a best-selling author world-renowned therapist read him she has worked with people for over 30 years impacting now into the millions including rock stars Royalty athletes Olympians CEOs media personalities and she asked us to challenge the narrative in our head with her new book tell yourself a better lie ask us to
think about what are the words that we're telling ourselves and what is the impact that's having on our lives the mind has no choice but to act on our thoughts and if you could look in your body and see the inflammation the stress hormones the cortisol you create from thinking negative thoughts you would Never do it again because you do have the power should you want to to edit your story rewrite it and change it well I mean I have clients who tell me stories that are so horrendous but the icons a show about learning
from Iconic people in iconic locations unpacking the life lessons that allowed them to be extraordinary not just for a moment but over a lifetime today we're in town Estonia my name is Tyler Wade Marissa Pierre Welcome to the icons by motiversity beautiful day and no isn't it what a beautiful setting look at this it's so cool so cool that was my first time with talent but you've been here a couple times three times yeah three times lovely now I read that you have a weekly reach of 25 million people I mean it's hard for me
to even wrap my head around that but what do you think it is about what you see that has people listen it's hard for me to wrap my head around it Too but I think people want someone to simplify the workings of the mind you know we're all taught by teachers that the mind is very complex and it takes a lifetime to understand it and a lifetime to apply and that simply isn't true when you understand the workings of the mind it's not complicated at all so I always wanted to make make stuff simple you
know you can change like that can you change in 21 days you can change in 21 seconds if you know how in fact you can Change twice every day first in the way you think and the second in the way you act so I think I I believe it's the fact that I've made it simple everything I talk about that the strength is in the Simplicity and the honesty there's no need to complicate stuff people want something simple but they also want it to be fast we live in such a fast world and if you
can't give you a message like really fast people just not interested and I get that has it always been simple For you or did you have to go through some kind of transformation yourself where things just became clearer no it's always been simple for me I think getting other people who are very invested in it's long it's complicated it's complex so for instance a lot of people I work will say I've got OCD or I've got anorexia or I've got anxiety and that's very complex so the treatment must be complex and that doesn't have to
be the case it can be but it also can't Be so it's always been simple for me but getting other people to um to buy into the Simplicity was probably challenging at times I read that you knew your purpose in life in 1984. I don't know how many people have it on a calendar like that where it just becomes that clear I mean one of our big channels motivation to study one of the big questions we get from people is how do I discover my life purpose and I'm feeling a lot of Pressure for it
and I actually just don't know how it works so what is your purpose and how did you discover it my purpose I would say is to give people freedom and empowerment from the issues and their pain that that would be my purpose and that would would be what gives me meaning in life and I think you know what your purpose is because when you're doing it it feels so right when I'm on stage talking it's not scary I absolutely love it in fact it energizes Me when I'm working with clients in my office I never
find it draining I find it invigorating and I think that's the thing when you do what you love and you love what you do first of all you feel like you never work but secondly it inspires you it motivates you and if I do what I don't love I feel the difference immediately and so we all have a gift and I think your challenges find out what you love to do and become brilliant at it and and We've all got something unique that we can do so I guess in 1984 when I was training in
hypnotherapy I knew immediately this is me and this is me for the rest of my life I knew that that was my purpose that was my meaning that was my passion and and of course the second wonderful thing is that when you do what you love it gives you every bit as much as you give other people like I was speaking here this week you're saying oh my God It's so amazing what you gave me what you gave me it was also amazing because you were receptive and you liked it and so it's a great
thing about giving and receiving giving energy and receiving it back so for the 20 year old who's listening who's who's wanting that so desperately they're wanting to to feel that energy to feel like this is me I want to get good at it but they're not binding that yet would you tell them to be patient or Is there a different way they could start to search what would be your thoughts for that 20 years I know when I was 20 I was very clear I was going to be a school teacher my father wanted me
to do that he told me it was a wonderful job he was a school teacher I was going there I was going to teach a train in college and I was going to be a school teacher and somewhere in that teacher training College I'll let you know I don't want to be a teacher I'd actually Like to be a child a psychologist so I began to switch my training and then I realized again actually no I don't want to do that either because when you work with children as a therapist you always have three patients
mom dad and child and so I was going there but in fact I went there and I went there I became a therapist I wrote books I began to work on television shows and then I created my own method and so actually I became a teacher after all but it was a go over Here and then go back and I think at 20 you very rarely know what you want to do and if you do that's not always a good thing because I work with many people in their 40s who say you know all my
life I've been a lawyer an accountant and I've realized I didn't want to do that it doesn't make my heart sing but it's very hard to know at 20 what you're meant to do so give yourself a break find out what you love find out what makes your heart sing in fact one of the Major causes of depression is failing to follow your heart's desire and we're so into well this is a good career and this has good benefits and the salary is good and we think but I don't I don't love it I recently
trained a police officer to be a therapist who said I went into the police force to make a difference and discovered I was just locking up alcoholics and drug addicts every night and it was very demoralizing and now I'm a therapist and here I am Making a difference so be open don't put any pressure on yourself just find out what you love and when you do what you love you'll feel like you never really work a day in your life I mean I work very hard but I also feel like I never really work and
that's a great thing you know we teach leadership and that's my background and I think there's a misconception sometimes people think leadership is having this Clarity that Just allows them to be on a straight line their whole life it's actually not what it is at all it's the ability to create these inflection points if you feel like you're on the right path to bend it and so that doesn't require you to have all the right answers but just the faith that you can create that change once you discover more isn't it yeah I think I
I teach a lot about being a leader and you know lead is so interesting because they think outside The box they're very good at finding talent and nurturing and not everybody wants to be a leader but um natural leaders have a lot of gifts and you can learn from them and that's the thing people who are good at what they do whatever it is they always leave Clues and one of my friends who's head of a major television network said you know people who are good make it look so easy and things that I can
do that I can do That and then because you make it look so easy you often lose credibility well you know you can just turn up on stage and and act but they don't realize all the work that goes into it and I think leaders make it look very easy but it's also because they love it so we've got two Milestones 1984 discover your life purpose today 25 million people a week can you fill in the career trajectory between those two points that's big questions so 1984 I just I was actually I'd gone to college
I left College I moved to LA I became a personal trainer for Jane Fonda which I loved but I was fascinated by the psychology of bulimia and anorexia and orthorex or embodied dysmorphy which I saw in my classes all the time and I saw something that two things that really intrigued me one is this is a mental issue anorexia is not something you can cure with going to the gym you can't cure bulimia with aerobics and that bothered me that people were Trying to fix something deeply emotional which was I'm not enough I'm not good
enough I'm not worthy enough so I need to be thinner smarter more attractive I need to go to the gym to change this bit but it's this bit you have to change and the second thing I saw which bothered me even more was how abusive the diet industry was we talk about punishing those pounds doing a punishing or going on a strict diet I'm starving myself I've been so good I've been so bad and I Hated that because it makes people feel bad about themselves and if I had a mission it would be to make
everyone feel good about themselves all the time so I stayed working for Jane because it was amazing but I trained in hypnotherapy in 1984 and at the time I wrote one of my roommates was bulimic warmers anorexic one would eat a couple of Frozen grapes and now the other would defrost a whole frozen cheesecake and eat the whole thing while crying And so I was working with all these people it was really amazing to understand that it led me into my I'm enough movement because I realized that people with eating disorders and compulsive shopping and
hoarding and drinking and addictions all had the same thing I'm not enough the core I've worked with thousands of addicts I've never met one ever who said I'm good enough I'm worthy enough and I just drink for fun they Drink because of the emptiness inside and The Emptiness is the needs that were not met as children that they're still trying to fill and so in 1984 I saw many things that fascinated me and and were all to do with this feeling of not enoughness and so in 1984 I began to research the psychology of Eating
Disorders the psychology of not enough Mrs like what lies behind addictions and over maybe four years I developed my own method of therapy and Clients would come in and say things like oh you know when you said that one thing or did that one thing that was a game changer but often they'd say something different so I began to collate all the things that really worked for clients because therapy is not about the therapist it's about the client what's wrong what happened and I realized that to be really good you have to do three things
at the same time you have to become what I call a detective a Good if a good detective lays out pictures and they look at them and then they try to work out what's happened in this scene so I'd be looking at information and working out with the client not for them how did you become anorexic how did you become believe it when did you become a hoarder what happened when you began to have these issues I never say what's wrong with you I never even say how are you feeling I always say what happened
What happened to you let's track back like a detector when you're 11 you suddenly developed an eating disorder when you were 12 you suddenly got contact dermatitis what was going on in that moment and after you've got that information which is very easy to get when you ask the right questions the next thing is to become more like a dentist and a detective and you start removing all those toxic reliefs look Just because your dad never saw you just because you were the fifth girl and you should have been a boy that's not you you're
meant to be you so I I would then so it's like a detective gathering information a dentist extracting all the toxic stuff and then you become a coder and you code in and wire in and firing better beliefs rather like if my computer started to slow down I'd get an accident you've always got a bug in it I'm going to upgrade your Software but we have a bug in us so we need to upgrade our software and then in doing that I realized that really all of my clients could only have one of three things
wrong with them and that would be a billionaire an Olympic Athlete or maybe a school teacher or maybe an unhappy teenager that was desperately depressed and the three things are always I'm not enough that's the huge thing I'm not enough and if you start from I'm not enough Then you need more more cake more drinks more drugs more sex more stuff more shopping more followers because we've got so into I'm not enough and I need more and it's actually very easy to fix that which is why I have all these I'm enough bracelets and I
haven't I'm enough movement and we've got it in schools now and it's making a profound difference the next thing wrong is what I want isn't available I want love but I'm not lovable I want success but I Didn't go to college I Want to Be Free of depression but I've got the depression gene or the alcoholic Gene I'm not really convinced they even exist but the belief that I want something so much and I'm going after it but it's not available but we live in the world now we connect with our screen and we connect
with our phone and it's really damaging people so I find with all my clients and with I've Trained 15 000 people now to be rtt therapists or coaches when I say look don't make it complicated look for those three things you'll find them and when you look for those it can only be one of those three things or degrees of it it just makes life so simple because clients love it when you say look I know we're talking about the addiction to alcohol and the addiction to drugs and the self-sabotage and the president but really
The only thing wrong with these you don't think you're good enough and that's a belief and here's how it works you think a thought and the thought makes you feel a feeling and the feeling makes you behave in a certain way because you justify because you think we're thought so don't worry about changing the behavior or indeed the feeling changed the thought and here I am in Estonia I've been working with children all week and it's been such a Joy and we actually made a big triangle and they had to start at the thought and
think of thought and the thought was I can't make friends now run to the next point and write a feeling I feel so sad now run to a behavior I cry because I can't make friends and I so we've gone to the thing I can't make friends that makes me feel sad that makes me cry and act out because I can't make friends so let's change the thought I made friends easily people like me now Go to a feeling well I feel good I feel confident I feel alright and what's the behavior I talk to
other kids I invite them to come to my home I invite them to a play date and I do that because because I think a thought so it's so great that we're getting small children to understand that your thoughts are yours to change you're not your thoughts change them and I think a lot of conventional therapy is so busy trying to change the behavior Or the actions or the feelings when the law said the law of control says it all starts with a thought but changing your thoughts is easy it's free can be instant and
so I really like to simplify what makes humans tick because what's the point of making it complicated how does that help anyone who says well I'm messed up and it's so hard to change and people can't change it's like well that's not correct who taught you that you from the minute you're born you're Changing oh you know it's it's long and arduous to recover no it isn't some people recover like that some people don't but you could be one of the ones that changes your thoughts changes your feelings changes your actions after all most of
us have had an experience of eating something being violently think that oh I could never eat that again I could never look at Whiskey again there's no way I could ever eat Shellfish again because I've changed I thought you know I I was in New York a few years ago and I always ate shellfish and I went into anaphylactic shock it was really bizarre and now I have to think a thought if I eat that I could go into anaphylactic shock I was fine because I was unconscious but my poor husband and sister were that
was awful for that and my husband you must promise me you'll never do that again I said no I promise and so I was like oh I Could eat a scallop but it would really upset my husband so I think a different thought I don't think no it's not fair I can't eat scallops I think of all the things I can eat instead but it's very simple to think a different thought because we own our thoughts and we can change our thoughts and if we just learn to question why do I think that who told
me that was true question of thought upgraded or update your thought for women especially all These thoughts you can never find love after 50 nobody wants somebody with cellulite if you're a successful woman a man won't like you well that's not true that's not true for Michelle Obama why would that be true for you there's lots of women getting married for the first time at 50 including me your your love abilities got nothing to do with the numbers on the scales or the numbers in your clothing label or the numbers on your bus or the
number of Your followers so we get very consumed by the number need to be thinner taller smarter better grades more followers and you've got to stop all of that and just believe that you're great and you can be even greater when you stop defining Who You Are by what the numbers say there's so much I want to unpack there we need to talk about those three things that typically are at the root of just whatever one you work with I'm not enough You know I want that but it's just not possible for me or I
I just don't fit in yeah the third you know and I'm thinking about that first time I'm not enough and I you the people I've known in my life who have been addicts the other things that I've struggled with I can see a bit of that but the second one as soon as you start to talk about I want that but it's not for me yeah the tricky thing about that is that there's typically a lot of data that people Believe in you know I think about myself I grew up really shy I didn't speak
to anyone outside my family until I was in my teens and then at some point I had the opportunity to speak for a living that was a very different story a very different uh and cause quite a bit of internal pain and internal struggle for myself and and I had a lot of data I can't speak for a living I'm painfully shy and and needed to find a way to change that narrative Is that really the basis of rtt to wrap a transformational therapy to have people change their their narrative whether they do it on
their own or they do it through a therapist what's the basis of well I think for all most of us we make a belief without realizing that that belief turns around and makes us and then we have something called confirmation bar so we now look for proof that belief as well so I can have a belief I'm painfully shy and I can't Speak to people I've made a belief but that belief is making me now because I stress about speaking to people I might blush I avoid situations and now I'm looking for proof the confirmation
but look last time I spoke I went bright red I got all tongue-tied that person I could see they weren't interested I felt like an idiot so I better make sure I carry on not speaking so you have to switch it I've I've made a belief why don't I change that to I can talk to People other people do it I have two ears and one mouth that means I should listen more talk less but I can engage with people if I can talk to my friends or my pets or someone I can talk to
people I'm making a different belief and that different belief is making me now I'm looking for confirmation biased at how oh I spoke to a guy in the store and they were engaging I spoke to someone at a bus stop and they were engaging and if I can speak to one person I can speak to Many and I can learn I can go on YouTube and just learn what makes a great speaker and I can learn that you know I have a great brain that can learn stuff and one of the reasons I called my
book tell yourself about a lie is because in my experience all of my client's greatest pain was the LIE they told themselves and the story they bought into and I say listen if you're prepared to tell yourself a lie which is if I look at cake I gain weight Everything I touch falls apart no one in my family has ever done anything I've got the depression Gene we don't even know if that's true that's probably a lie when the people say I I've eaten like a horse all weekend no you haven't you didn't have a
nose bag on I'm assuming you you peed occasionally so you didn't really eat non-stop like a horse all weekend let's change that so if your lies I I gain weight by looking at Food you might as well say I got a Super fast metabolism my body is a fat burning machine is that true but it doesn't matter because saying you eat like a horse is also not true but here's how it works you've got to believe you've made it it's making you and you're looking for proofs and make a better belief when people say oh
I got a memory like a sieve why not say I have an amazing memory I can't sleep at night sleep comes to me changing the first bit the thought means that you change the Feeling means that you change the behavior and people say no it's amazing I just thought a different thought and everything changed on a dime you know there's a great song by hot chocolate but it started with a kiss but nothing starts with a kiss it starts with I want to kiss that person I'm gonna kiss that person people say I I don't
know what I was thinking of how did I end up in this mess well but you were thinking you were thinking I I Don't I'm not going to succeed everything's not going to work out if if I start that business it will fail if I write the essay it will get a bad Mark so I'm just going to procrastinate here and do nothing and then I can't fail and when you take people back to that you know procrastination and self-sabotage is nothing more than a reaction to a thought that I'm not enough so many people
are so scared of failing that they think well I'm not gonna I've Written a book but I never show it to anyone I've got an idea but what if it doesn't work and when they begin to see oh it all tracks back to a thought which I'm free to change it's very liberating is very empowering you know when I was working with these children last week a little girl of nine was saying I'm not pretty enough I'm not cool enough I don't rule the school I'm like but why do you want to rule the school
why don't you just rule you just rule your Thoughts you are perfectly pretty and engaging and gorgeous that's not the most important thing but to see nine Euro say I'm not Freddie enough I'm not cute enough I'm not smart enough I'm frustrated because I can't learn I.T like other kids and the amazing when they realize oh I I can change that and it could change my entire world is so lovely to see that idea that our thoughts create feelings feelings create behaviors which Confirm the next thought yes exactly you can see how that spirals in
the wrong way you can also you see how that becomes liberating right you can change that because you change the loop it's the so when the kids were saying my thought is I I'm I can't do math my feeling is I'm so frustrated my behavior is I'm so angry I act out in the classroom but what if I thought I'm really good at math and I I'm learning this and I got a brilliant brain I'm Picking it out and now they run to a feeling I feel empowered and the action is I'm studying more I'm
asking questions I'm asking the teacher for help here because I'm good at this and so for them to to run it's called I call it a ladder of looping thoughts but to get to kids to run the loop think a thought run to the next board stick a post in on the feeling run to the next board run back and now let's switch it because your mind doesn't know and it Really doesn't care what you tell it is good or bad helpful or useless and beneficial or not it it lets it in that the thing
is what people don't get is that your mind must act on the thoughts you think and while you can choose the thoughts your mind can't if you think I know I'll get sick it's flu season I know I'm gonna get cold because I touched a handrail I know I'm gonna get fat because I ate pie your mind has no choice the strongest Force in all of us as we must act in a way that matches how we Define ourselves and every thought we think is a blueprint that our mind and body work to make real
so your mind's job is to make your thoughts real the job of your mind is to listen to your thoughts and to start to make them real and it doesn't have any choice in that but you have a great choice your job is to think better thoughts which makes your mind's job easier So when you understand your mind's job and you understand your job so let's imagine you're saying to your mind if I get dumped one more time it will kill me if one more person goes to me that's it it will ruin my life
if one more person rejects me I'm just gonna never go out again now your mind's job is to make you act in a way that avoids rejection probably becoming very solitary not asking for anything but if you were to say to your mind Hey Mind you know I I I love connecting I'm finding love and love is finding me your mind's gonna do a different job if you say to your mind oh what I would give for a week in bed I just want to lie around doing nothing your mind's like well I gotta act
on that you're thinking I thought I need some time off I need to lie around on the couch doing nothing and now your mind can give you the flu or chronic diarrhea because it's listening to a Thought which it must start to make real but if you would just think a better thought so if I said to my mind I want attention I'm lacking intention I need to be noticed I might get chronic diarrhea or explosive gas or a nervous twitch I'd definitely get attention but if I just say to my mind a better thought
I'm worthy of attention good attention and I get good attention because I'm good at my job and my bottom notices and people Notice then everything changes on a dime because we have to remember something the mind has no choice but to act on our thoughts but we have an incredible choice to think better thoughts and if you could look in your body and see the inflammation the stress hormones the cortisol you create from thinking negative thoughts you would never do it again So we've got to remember our thoughts and not our thoughts they're a blueprints
but our mind body and psyche are trying to make real and if you could only think better thoughts you'd give your mind an easy job I think that's going to resonate with so many people I think about our channels and some of the the things that people are working through and just hearing it said so clearly your mind's job is to turn your thoughts into reality yeah and It's got no choice in that no choice but you've got the ability to change those thoughts that essentially feeds the machine yeah uh you know when people think
icons oftentimes they think Hall of Fame athlete movie star we think people who have transformed an industry which is you um so you know after doing a bit of a bunch of research into your your story what you've done I understand the work You've had the impact you've had on the world how about Your Own Story do you ever feel like you're the narrative in your head needs to be worked on how does this impact you you're a person just like all of us do you ever need to offer self-treatment to yourself yeah you know
a couple of months ago I was lying on the sofa and heard myself Saying chronically tired and I thought but that's not true you are tired and you need some rest and some water but you're not chronically tired so I'm still aware that occasionally you have to take this is driving me crazy what am I talking about I'm talking about being at the airport and my flight is delayed by seven hours which happened recently but hey I've got a laptop I'm in the lounge I can get lots of work done and so I do occasionally
have to check Myself and take out the words chronic this is chronic stress where I don't say that I said chronic tiredness this is driving me and saying what am I talking about I'm talking about a delay at an airport does it really matter I'm talking about I've got all this work load on but I can just cancel it it's really not that important you know you say that within my kid is driving me crazy but they're not they're an age-appropriate baby and in a blink Of an eye they'll be gone it goes so fast
and then you'll think ah you know all that time I spent getting stressed about my kid doesn't put do up Lids they get peanut butter smears on the fridge they they leave mess everywhere now here I am well and I'd give anything to have those kids back smearing peanut butter on my lovely stainless steel fridge so I think what helps me a lot and helps many of my clients is to do this this challenge I have now because I try Not to say problem is it someone else's fantasy dreamer would they love a husband who
leaves his underpants on the floor a kid who never shuts okay I go in and every cabinet door as having a kid who doesn't understand that laundry goes in the basket is there someone in the world go I would love that problem I'm just about to spend all my money on IVF I've just mortgaged my home for either I give anything for a messy husband or a messy wife and so that really helps you To think wow is my problem someone's fantasy dream come true would someone want to swap places with this awesome because oh
I'd love you you're complaining about being on the 405 going to work and it's a hell the freeway as hell the commute itself but it's not really hell because there you've got a car but you've got money to put gas and see you're going to a job that pays you and that's someone's fantasy and so that Really helps me a lot to always bring myself back to wow look at my account I'm flying here I'm flying around flying there you know we were actually going to we're going to Indian no sorry I'm going I'm going
to Germany then India and I thought you know what I'm not going to go to India I don't need I go to India in January it's a lot of travel so let's just take that one out and we always have a choice you know I don't have fomo I have Domo the absolute Delight of Missing out and staying home and watching Netflix I have Jomo the joy of missing I think I don't really want to go there but I think it's very important to really pay attention to how you dial what kind of work do
you use the words hell nightmare what are you talking about you're talking about a lion in the store on Christmas Eve it's hell look at all these people but you know hell is going to a store maybe in somewhere like Zimbabwe where there isn't any food to buy and even if there was you haven't got any money to buy it and when you get to go to places like I should I've had to be careful not to offend people but downtown Jamaica parts of Cuba certainly parts of Zimbabwe you think wow I really have no
problems at all parts of Mexico when I was driving through Jamaica I didn't want to say to my driver are these people's homes these little metal shops I shouldn't even ask But I couldn't even imagine how we can moan about oh my heating bill or a house is a mess when other people don't even have a home so I mean I live on Venice Beach which has got a lot of homeless people so every day I get to think wow you know just having heat and light and water so I think for me and also
I learned maybe 30 years ago to change my story you know my story was interesting my mother when I was pregnant told me That when she was pregnant she was having an affair with my father's best friend and that she really wanted me to be his baby when I was born she was so upset she turned her face to the wall she crushed and she cried for a year because I was the wrong baby she didn't tell me that till I was having my own baby because she was telling me you know she said you
cried for two years because you must have picked up my disappointment that you were the wrong Baby I wanted a piece of this guy I couldn't marry him but I want and you weren't his and I was so upset and for a while I felt this tremendous sense of shame I was the wrong baby and my mother in the 60s was having an affair with someone else then later I thought wow I could reframe that because my mother told me that both men were in the Maternity Ward when I was being born they both picked
a name for me he picked the name Candy and friendly if I would Never recognize that name I hated that name and Marissa was a kind of a weird name when every kid at school is called Janna and Sarah and Claire and Pamela and here was I Marissa but later I thought that's actually really cool if too many tomb was being born boy did all those edges they're going to hey no no when I was being born two guys wanted me two guys were waiting for me to be theirs and they both picked a name
So I switched the shame and the embarrassment it was actually kind of cool I was wanted by two men even before I came out of the womb and if I'd known that one I dated all those idiots I would have had a stronger sense of who I was but maybe I wouldn't maybe at 20 I'd still have been into the shame and even my husband didn't know that story until a year ago but that's the thing you get to edit your story upgrade your story rewrite Your story change your story you know people say but
I was abused when I was a kid how can I edit that well that's horrible horrible thing so people might say to me but that's easy for you I was abused when I was a baby I was physically abused sex with mentally abused how can I reframe that well I would never diminish how horrific that is but you're an adult now you don't live with those people you have the power to make better choices to say no One's putting their hands on me I will never do that again and one of the people I trained
that I was abused as a child and I became a therapist to work with abused children I thought I know what it's like and I can use that knowledge to help kids have a voice so it may sound a bit Pollyanna but actually whatever has gone on in your early childhood you still can reframe and say that will never happen again I always think of your life being like a clock and if your life was a clock then your childhood is only the first seven minutes and it can be awful and I mean I have
plans who tell me stories that are so horrendous but We're Not Fragile if human beings are actually incredibly resilient and no matter how bad the first seven minutes is I mean look at Oprah Winfrey's first seven minutes you Can still make the rest of the clock the next 53 minutes amazing and sometimes you're more resilient you know I tell all my clients that bodybuilder will break a muscle down and then rest and then it grows back bigger so that must mean a broken heart also grows back bigger so broken hearts with the scars are the
bigger better Hearts people who've been through trauma and much more understanding and so you have to look at your store and go Well here's my story it's not a great story I can't change the beginning but could I change the middle could I change can I add it that's where we rewrite that story and change my entire life and one of my clients told me her story which was that her parents tried to terminate her in the womb because they were very young and they didn't want a baby and they told her this story and
they said you know you were so strong and so mental and she said every time I Heard that story I thought yes against all the odds I was meant to be here I must be here for something amazing and she is an amazing person with an amazing career very well known but you'd never know who it was but then another client told me that same story I found out my parents tried to terminate me and I survived their attempt and so what point is there how could I even be anything of my own parents didn't
want me then I'm clearly Not worth anything but the other one said if my own parents didn't want me and I survived there I must be worth everything and so our job is to look at our story and think well if I retell this story every day am I keeping it going why don't I change it because you do have the power should you want to to edit your story rewrite it and change it powerful the ability to rewrite a story to change that perspective I think You know a lot of people who feel like
maybe they're stuck right now in their story that's I think those are the words that that are really what unlocks the next step right it's that idea of the looping thoughts to the feelings to the actions to the thoughts we work a lot are you familiar with Alan Watts we work a lot with with his um body of work and I just recently heard an interview where he was Talking about near the end of his life you know Sundays I feel like I'm stuck together by wire and sticky bits of tape and and it makes
me think should I question what I'm doing and he says no I shouldn't question what I'm doing I'm a person like anyone else and really The Show Must Go On like this is just because I'm a person who feels these things too doesn't mean that the teaching needs to end do you ever find that when you're Working with a client there's a story that just really rocks you or or puts you into a perspective that feels challenging to get out of have there been any stories that have already brought to you I think the the
saddest stories I find are often when I work with teenage boys who never had a father in their life or I've had a few clients who said you know I was an IVF baby or my mother just found someone and I don't even know who my dad is and I worked With a kid a little while ago whose parents had gone to Brazil and adopted him and they loved him very much and they brought him back but he couldn't find his real family they just found him somewhere and he had no ability to trace that
family and so his story was I can't find my birth mother or father I can't find well I don't belong here and I talked to him a bit and said you know darling you have to celebrate being Brazilian you know you can go to Brazil you can learn Brazilian Brazil was actually in the world cup at the time and you can still find that when he came back the next time he dyed his hair the kind of the Brazilian flag that oh he's really taken that on board and he was a kid that was so
lost and so angry with his parents because they hadn't understood that when they took him and gave him a better life they took him away from what he thought mattered But then of course he realized that he could go to Brazil Embrace his but he might never and he probably would never find those parents but he could find the brazilianness in him and even though he was only 14. and was such an Angry Kid he suddenly realized oh you know I still can be Brazilian it's it's it's in me it's in my jeans if I
never find those but I can find Brazilian people and I can hang out with them and so sometimes you can't change a client's story when a Kid comes to me as they often do and said you know I never had a dad my dad never paid her he never even saw me again you know I'd love to give you a great dab I can give you the next best thing what would a great dad say and they go I don't know but if you did know whatever no if you didn't know and then they'll say
oh a great dad would say I'm proud of you a great dad would say I'm glad you're here great dad would say you're an amazing kid because he's not Rocket science what a great dad would say I'm glad you're here I'm proud of you an amazing kid you've got some incredible challenge you're going to be do something amazing and so I make them say it and say and say it until it sinks in and I always say them look if you put balm on your skin and your skin was dry that balm would nourish you
wherever it came from whether it was free in an airplane or the most expensive bomb in the world but words are bomb and the Words will nourish you too and so I get them to imagine what a great dad would say and then to say those words and it's incredible how that goes in and makes a profound difference and so I think that's been very impactful seeing what I call the Lost teenagers no one loves me so I'm not lovable No One Believes In Me So I'm not believable and I said but I believe in
you and actually you believe in you we've already got two People in the room who believe in you and then sometimes we have to point out maybe somebody like Eminem who's a great reference for lost kids because nobody believed in him and nobody believed he could be a rapper but here he is and he put his anger into rapping and then they go oh yeah so he came from a messed up beginning and then I was on the truth look you're not broken but she came from a broken home you're not even flawed but you
had Flawed parenting you're not even damaged but the way you were raised was damaging so that isn't you your parenting was flawed your parents marriage was broken but you're not broken you're not even flawed and anyway we're all flawed I'm flawed your floor the best you can ever be in life as a flawed person having a flawed relationship with a flawed person I call it being flawsome so you're flawsome tell yourself a battle I stopped saying Nobody loved me and start to say but if they had what would they say and I can say that
because again the mind doesn't know okay when you start to go hey I'm amazing it doesn't go who's saying that where's that coming from it just it sinks in like butter on hot toast your toes go as the butter come from it absorbs it and in the same way if you can see words as nourishing you noticing your body absorbing them your mind absorbing them then you understand your Job is to think of what a great dad or a great girlfriend or a great boss would say and don't give up your power going well who
can I find out there to say those words because that just makes you needy say them yourself because if I said to someone okay I'm going to give you the job of making me feel good and you could do it but then what if you got sick or something Happened now I've gone right back and so so often people give up their needs no one's going to love me or they give them away you've got to do the job I I can't do it but when you think oh no there's a third way think of
your unmet needs the emptiness in you is what you didn't get as a kid you didn't get love you didn't get praised you didn't get recognition you didn't get celebrated didn't even get gifts and that's Horrible but imagine if you could start to say those things I matter I'm significant I'm lovable I'm worthy I'm enough and then you'll start to fill up that emptiness the not enoughness becomes enoughness and actually when you do it yourself it's way more powerful anyway because you have no agenda so when kids begin to see oh I can tell myself
I'm cool I'm smart and people yeah people pick it up because it starts to resonate Out from you back to you this kind of magnetic energy so once you really buy into and tell yourself you're lovable the world will meet you at that level but when you go I'm not lovable I don't matter I'm not enough it's meeting you at that level so it's empowering to make kids say look and adults do think of the words you want to hear what I call the missing bit what have you been longing to hear we don't give
that away and don't give that Up start to say it yourself because it sinks in whoever's saying it it sinks in or when someone else says it they might have an agenda you're great could you lend me some money but when you say it there is no agenda just because we are flawed doesn't mean we don't go on that idea of I've got wire I've got sticky things holding me together I can still go on I think that's really empowering for people who you know they have had something Challenging we've had a setback we've had
something that feels like that could be my story or it could not be or it could be shaped into a different story I'm curious Marissa you've obviously had to work hard to get to this place who's been your inspiration Wayne Dyer who said something I never forgot don't die with your music Still inside you and of course when Wayne did Die he'd shared his music with the whole world and he's still here you know someone like Frank Sinatra when you hear his music he's still here so I think Wayne dye was a massive influence on
gilboy and Tony Robbins David viscop so many people but they're all men and of course now we've got Mel Robbins great Louise Hay and some amazing women Gabrielle Bernstein are also coming up with that message but when I became a speaker There weren't really very many women apart from Louise Hay and so I think I looked at other people who had a message and were delivering it very well but of course you can't be Tony Robbins you've got to have your own message and so I think it was understanding you know I have a message
and I can share that and it's a good thing to share it and to not get into oh what if nobody listens what if somebody rejects me what If someone hates my message and some people do but I have a choice every day I don't have to let that in and often one of the most amazing things you can do in your life which is so simple is do not let in destructive criticism let him praise and praise yourself but don't linguish them and do not let in your own criticism because it's so diminishing so
again you have a choice you can diminish yourself or praise yourself one of the things I Tell people a lot is look you have a choice every day talk yourself into it talk yourself talk yourself into believing you're amazing and out of believing you're not amazing the mind can't go into two lanes I'm great I'm amazing I'm useless I'm not good you can't drive two lanes the mind can't hold conflicting beliefs you know the Mind wants to go to that belief or that it can't go to both and that's one of the rules of the
Mind wherever you focus On you get more of and you can't be in two lanes so pick a better Lane go into that better Lane keep telling yourself better things think better thoughts and whatever is the missing bit The Emptiness the knees you didn't get met take some time and think about what they are and think about what you wanted here and then tell yourself those words I can do it I've got this I'm good at this because amazingly there is nothing that will raise your self-esteem like praise But your own praise is better so
if you said to me oh you can speak and says you can do that I go yeah but you you're just saying that but if I say it my mind believes that everything I tell it must be true whether it's good or bad helpful or very hurtful so we've got to get into the excellent habit of saying I can do this I've got this this has got my name although it no one can do this about me if they could I can still do it my way And so it sounds very simple it all comes
back to how you dialogue with you but it does all come back to how you dialogue with you when you dialogue with you better other people begin to dialogue with you better too so your life can change like that if you just get into the excellent habit and keep going of dialoguing better with you and have a day off but as long as you do it almost all the time your life will be So different your life can change if you change your dialogue yeah well it does change you know your life can change immediately
when you change your dialogue there are many people who told you that you know I just stopped saying that and I started saying something different like when my little girl was little she wasn't that little she's probably nine or ten and she'd leave the door and she'd come back as she got to the gate and I'd always Say what have you remembered because Mommy I remembered my lunch I remember and I never said what have you forgotten oh here we every time you get to the gate back you come every time we get in the
car say oh Mommy I've forgotten and I say no you haven't you remembered because we get in the car you remember so every time I said whatever you remembered she'd be gonna think oh my mind is so cool it reminds me before I leave the house before my mom Drive is Reminded me of something and just that little reframe what have you remembered rather than what if what have you forgotten now oh my God your mind's like a sid it's like well your mind just really cool it reminds you and of course her memory got
better and better and better because I'd always say what if you remembered so we all get a choice ah I'm such an idiot I forgot I got that wrong but then even when you get something wrong what did you learn you Know a person who never made a mistake never made anything your mistakes teach you so even when you make a mistake that when I learned something I learned I'll never do that again you know occasionally when I'm traveling I'm like okay we've forgotten our flexes and let's always keep them in our travel bag we've
forgotten our charges let's always keep them there when you make a mistake you usually enhances you enhances your Education if you learn from it Marissa what do you think your legacy is I hope my legacy is helping people feel good about themselves and making it easy it's like that song make it easy on yourself so I'd like my legacy to be you can make it easy on yourself therapy doesn't have to be long or painful to make it easy on yourself dialogue better with yourself you know your body your mind are just amazing you've got
the probably the most Amazing you ever have in your whole life is your body and your mind they're just what it can do is mind-boggling so get into the Habit thinking wow you know this is amazing I'm living in this country with this amazing body and amazing mind and when you think better thoughts you really do live a better life and what's next so my book tell yourself a better lie I'm going to bring a version of that out For children you know because tell yourself a guy is 10 case studies of people with very
extreme things alcoholism OCD a bulimia all kinds of interesting things suicidal thoughts and in each story it invites the reader to go wow you did that and that but I could do that it gives the readers and things they can do themselves so I'm doing a version of that for teenagers and I've just created something called dietless life and I've always I said at the Beginning looked at how abusive the weight loss the industry is how it makes people feel so bad and I always tell all my clients listen the only way you can have
a body you love is to love the body you have so much that you treat it with care and respect that of self-hatred and punishing of starvation and so it's all about the psychology of why we eat badly why we punish ourselves and I just did the first three months it's been amazing people are giving me The most incredible feedback so I'm going to carry on with dietless life and create a version of that for parents too and and putting um My rtt Method into schools you know we've got it in about 1600 schools but
we want it everywhere and it's completely free so I guess dietless Life the book for children and getting more Arty teams to schools it's a lot but it's all working it's all happening and it's amazing Sound really powerful I can imagine parents people out there that are just you know looking for what do I do next with these with these challenges that are going on that sounds like a really helpful roadmap Marissa where can people find you so you can find me everywhere you know I'm eternally grateful that I was called Marissa peer because there's
only one of me so you can find me on YouTube there's hundreds and hundreds of free videos If You go to marissapere.com we have a lot of free audios we have completely free audios on Love Blocks wealth blocks Health blocks success books you can take as many as you like for other people to some recipes.com lots of free stuff rtt.com if you want to train with us and do what I do because it is the best job in the whole world and if you go to I'm enough.com we have lots of these bracelets and chapters
of books that we give away so marissapere.com Itt.com I'm enough.com and we're all over YouTube and Instagram too beautiful thank you for this conversation thank you and for those of you who are just tuning into the icons for the first time you're probably getting a pretty good sense of what this is Iconic people iconic locations tune in for our next episode foreign
