i put a post up on my instagram feed a little while ago and based on how many of you said how much it connected with you and how much you needed to know these things i thought it would be a good idea to expand on them and so that is what we're going to do today we're going to be talking about seven necessary boundaries that everyone needs to know and i'm also going to put the link to the instagram post in the description below so if you want to go back there for quick reference anytime
you can do that you know how much i love to talk about boundaries you know how important boundaries are for our health for our happiness for the quality of our lives and the quality of our most important relationships and so today i'm going to talk about seven necessary boundaries that everyone needs to know these ones are important and ones that i have definitely needed and have worked to make sure that i am applying in my own life not to say that i ever always get them perfectly but you know sometimes we win and sometimes we
learn if you're new here welcome to our incredible little corner on the internet take a second introduce yourself in the comments section below and if you are back again always good to have you here love being able to connect with you seeing you all connect with each other in the comments and just love what we've created here together um oh take a second and uh subscribe to the channel if you haven't already the button is about right down there either way my name is julia christina and i'm a registered clinical therapist a researcher a coach
and the creator of my incredible membership community the shift society that you can get more information about get on the waitlist for so as soon as we open up registration you can get in there important meaningful powerful things that are happening with the people in that community i help heart center go-getter people break through the crap that is holding them back so that they can like themselves and their lives more every day i've talked about boundaries about learning how to say no to other people but boundaries are also about learning how to say no to
ourselves how to not let ourselves engage with even entertain or take part in things that are not healthy or helpful so having those internal boundaries it's almost like having these guideposts these things that we kind of put out there or kind of keep in there that we use to help us direct our lives to be able to be making choices to be showing up in ways that are healthy and helpful and good for us so the first necessary boundary that everyone needs to know is to not engage in unhelpful conversations to not let yourself engage
in conversations that are not helpful and i'm not saying that any conversation that involves a difference of opinion or involves some conflict is an unhelpful conversation a lot of times there does there are really good things that come out of disagreement about p of people being willing to learn from each other to be able to work together to be able to just have some conflict but i'm talking about the unhelpful ones where it starts becoming about name calling about insulting about undermining about manipulating or just someone who is not open to actually having a conversation
they just want to kind of say what they're going to say and treat you whoever they want to treat you and there's nothing for you to do then sit there and take it which you don't have to you can choose to not engage even this can be as simple as someone just making an underhanded comment or saying something that kind of hits you in a weird way and you can choose to not engage not take the bait not get involved and this is different than just letting people treat you whoever they want to and just
being a pushover that's not what we're talking about here we're talking about a concept that i call intentional non-engagement and this is when is there something happening someone's doing something or saying something and you're just like you know what not my circus not my monkeys not getting involved not taking the bait not getting pulled into this i'm just not doing it i'm gonna change the subject i'm gonna walk away i'm going to just keep my mouth shut whatever that is and you'll know whether it's like being you're just like letting yourself be a pushover versus
practicing intentional non-engagement because when you practice intentional non-engagement it's gonna feel good you're going to feel like okay i am taking charge of myself i am choosing not to respond because i know that it's not going to be helpful it's not going to go anywhere beneficial and i just don't want to so it's actually going to feel good you're going to feel empowered afterwards you're going to be like huh good for me i didn't get pulled into that one the next necessary boundary that i think now more than ever that people need to know is
that you do not have to argue with people on the internet more often than not good things do not come from engaging with or arguing i shouldn't say engaging arguing getting into spitting matches with people on the internet when people comment on things people are often they comment on them under the veil of anonymity so often people make comments people say things people treat people in ways that they never would in real life they would never say that to someone's face and if they would well then we need to talk but getting yourself pulled into
it's tempting there are triggering things happening there's inflammatory stuff happening there's people saying things just to get a rise out of other people and so being able to see that being able to notice things kind of boiling up the emotions boiling up taking a deep breath and saying not going to do it not going to be helpful no point not going to use my energy for this not going to waste the energy that i have where i could be doing something healthy and positive and helpful for the world i'm not going to use that energy
getting involved in a spitting match with a stranger or anyone else on the internet if there's a conversation that needs to be had then we can have a real-life real-time conversation but doing it in comments on social media posts is not going to be the place for it most of the time unless someone is it is actually open in having a discussion but you get to decide again selective or intentional non-engagement the next boundary that i think is so important especially with technology and all the bings and the bongs and the booms and the notifications
and the attention that our that our devices our phones our computers are our um tablets are um yeah the demands that they have on our lives to turn notifications off and i would even go a step further and this has been something that's been so helpful for me is leave your devices in another room it is so tempting our phones and our devices are designed to make us addicted to checking them and so just having one less one less temptation with some kind of notifications being able to have one less temptation by always having your
device right at your fingertips being able to put it in a different room sometimes i just pretend it's like 1995 and nobody had cell phones and not everyone was reachable all the time and people were fine people were happy people existed not being able to reach others at you know the snap of a finger and us not being able to be reached at the snap of a finger that you can have time to sit down when you have time to check to look through to engage with technology not that technology is bad i'm not like
an anti-tech person whatever i run most of my business and my work and what i'm doing off of technology we're here right now but letting yourself use technology to make your life more convenient to benefit you it's not for technology's convenience it's for your convenience it's not for anybody else's convenience of you it's for your convenience for what you want and need it for it's such a simple thing but with so many the demands on our attention and how much uh technology social media email everything just like sucks us right in and distracts us pulls
us away sometimes every few minutes it's preventing us from being able to experience life and the people around us and the things happening around us in real time so it's just something as simple turning notifications off leaving it in another room can make a really big difference and that's a boundary and then the next boundary that is important for all of us to be taking seriously is the boundary around creating space to prioritize your health knowing that this is the only body that we get and so much of our experience in life is going to
be impacted by our health how we are feeling how well we are taking care of ourselves how much rest we're getting how much we're moving our bodies what we are nourishing our bodies with and i'm not saying that you have to go crazy and that you have to be super strict unless that's your thing but i mean i'm not a really extreme person so i don't really promote extremism i promote balance and and sustainability and connection to yourself connection to your body noticing how you're feeling noticing what things add to your physical well-being and therefore
your mental and emotional well-being and which things take away from that at the physical level so being able to pay attention to that there are so many things that often seem so much more important there are so many things that often seem so much more urgent and there are even often things that seem so much easier but noticing the difference of how you feel what your experience of life is when you are moving your body regularly when you are nourishing your body in in a healthy way when you are getting enough rest when you are
getting even not just rest so rest is one thing to be able to take a step back and rest and recover and take it easy sometimes and then also sleep but you don't have to take my word for it and i'm not here to tell you to go out and create a whole like health routine but if i could invite you to experiment and to just notice what it feels like now for me i am not like a naturally athletic person i i was benched when in high school pretty much the whole season on when
i was on the volleyball team and the basketball team i'm not naturally athletic i don't have this sort of like natural kind of level of fitness that some people are born with but i do move my body every day i go for a run or a power walk or do some kind of exercise every single day and i'm able to do it every day because i've paid enough attention to how i feel when i don't versus how i feel when i do and once i just have really just like allowed myself to to notice that
and to respect that i just don't want to not be able to feel the way that i do when i am moving my body and getting the oxygen flowing and the blood going and just sort of getting everything moving and moving energy through and sort of getting that out so that i can find my center and feel more grounded and feel more connected i just feel so much better and so it's become this habit it's not a negotiation it doesn't come become this thing that i have to do it becomes this thing that i get
to do because i get to have the feelings that come with taking care of my health and this doesn't need to be a big thing this can be going for like a 20-minute power walk this can be putting on youtube you're already on youtube after this put on a couple search for a couple of your favorite songs put on three or four of your favorite song put some headphones in and dance in your living room in your bedroom wherever you are on the street why not but making your health a priority because you get to
feel better not because you become a better person if you're taking care of yourself but just because you get to feel better you get to enjoy life more when you do the next thing to create boundaries around and this is i'm going to say this one a couple times because it's an important one it might take a minute to click in is to not make offers that you hope will be declined and this is for my over functioners my people pleasers maybe even some of my empaths who are struggling with not having boundaries that we
want to do nice things for people or at least we want to want to do nice things for people and so we offer to do it but are secretly hoping the person will say no but want to be kind of come across as like a good generous you know loving giving person by offering but we're secretly hoping that person will say no so in a way in a big way it's actually lying not actually being a good person by offering something we really don't want to do in sort of holding our breath and waiting for
them to say no and i'm going to talk about why in just a second in the next one but really just noticing that am i trying to look like a good person by trying to make it seem like i want to do things that i don't want to do and what's wrong with me just not doing that with not wanting to do certain things and me allowing myself to be okay with that we don't need to outsource whether or not we're a good person to what other people think of how much we are offering to
them to be able to do when we can get into talking about what it means to be a good person and why we so often are trying to prove that or earn that we could it's a whole other talk for a whole other day but just to know that that does not feel good to do it because if the person says yes we're gonna talk about the problems that that creates or the person takes you up on your offer but just knowing that you don't have to offer things that you don't want to do because
then if they say yes you're going to feel bitter you're going to feel resentful you're going to feel angry dang it i don't have time for this i can't do this i'm worn out and i have the capacity for this this is really not what i want to do and then you're going to be going to do it begrudgingly do it resentfully and that's actually not good for a relationship you think you're offering something because you think it'll be like good for the relationship but then the person says yes and then you're kind of like
kind of pissy and crusty the whole time you're doing it and then that kind of the person's like why are you acting like this why are you like kind of being you know kind of passive aggressive or being kind of prickly with me you're the one who offered it or you just stuff those feelings down and put on a happy face and then inside you're seething so offer things that you want to do and don't offer things that you don't which also means that on the other side of this you're not agreeing to things that
you don't want to do or that you're going to feel bitter doing so if someone else asks you to do something that you're not agreeing to it because you think you have to or because you'll think it'll you know somehow make you a bad person if you don't don't agree to things that you don't want to do especially if it's not something that is like a make or break right like there is some times where we do take one for the team but then it's important if we're like you know what i don't really want
to do this thing but i'm going to do it and it's so important that we change our thoughts about it and then we get ourselves into a headspace where we're actually willing to do it we're like okay i see the benefit of doing this i see how it's going to contribute to this relationship i see how it's important to this person and i want to do that because that's part of investing in relationships i just i see the value in this so then you're actually changing your thoughts about it and you want to do it
because you see the results that you're going to get from it that are the results that you want that is different from agreeing to do something and then feeling bitter and angry and resentful the whole time and then maybe even secretly blaming that person for making you do something that you didn't want to do that is not good for relationships that is toxic for relationships letting yourself say no when you want to and yes when you mean it if you struggle with saying no i have a free download it's called 25 ways to say no
you can get that in the description below and then i also have a crash course on learning assertive and effective communication skills it's called speak and feel heard the link to that is below as well the next thing the next boundary that is super important especially again in this day and age where it seems like emotions are running higher tensions are running higher but even just in everyday life in any relationship to allow yourself to put the boundary in to take a step back to cool down before you respond to give yourself that space if
you're feeling activated if you're feeling irritated if you're feeling distressed if you're feeling triggered to put the boundary and say okay i am not going to deal with something i'm not going to react to something when i'm feeling this way because chances are i'm going to say something i regret that i'll regret i'm going to do something that i'll regret it's not going to be helpful i'm not going to feel good afterwards it's not going to be good for the relationship so i'm going to take a step back and i'm going to give myself a
minute i'm going to take a break i'm going to take a bath i'm going to take a walk i'm going to take a breath and i'm going to center myself and ground myself and calm myself down it's not just better for our relationships it's also better for ourselves for our sense of self for our relationship with ourselves for how we feel about ourselves because we don't feel good when we are flying off the handle when we're freaking out when we are letting our emotions take over and then letting ourselves get out of control it doesn't
feel good and now we have self-compassion for ourselves when it does happens and we don't beat ourselves up about it because we are human beings we're not perfect it does happen it's normal so we do use grace and self-compassion for ourselves when it does happen but we also are working to let it happen less often because like i said it's good for our relationship with others with others it's good for our relationship with ourselves take a second you're allowed to have a second no one said that you have to deal with something the exact moment
that it's happening if it's in real time you can let the person know i need a break i'm getting really irritated i'm getting really worked up right now and i need to take a step back or this is not going to go anywhere helpful this is not going to be good for anyone i need some space to sort this out i'll come back to it later let's come back to it later let's put a time in the calendar we can re address this or just you know in a couple hours or whatever that is whatever
you need being able to communicate that advocate for that respect yourself with that way easier when it comes to emails or text messages to be able to take a step back and not just kind of let your fingers start going before your brain starts working having a boundary of that round that when i'm feeling activated i'm going to take a step back so they can choose mindfully how i want to respond boundaries are good for things on the outside they're good for things on the inside boundaries are just good i do have an entire intensive
course on boundaries that i'll put the link to below as well if you want to take this work to the deeper level really work on the mindset blocks that prevent you from having boundaries that are kind of getting in the way and making you feel like a bad person or that are making you know somehow having boundaries feel threatening to you in some way or threatening to your relationships or threatening to your sense of self or whatever that is and it teaches you specific tools and a process to go through when you are setting a
boundary to get clear on the boundary and then to get really clear and confident in how you're feeling about setting the boundaries so that it clears the way to be able to do that i will put the link to that below that one is more intensive um but yeah if you are if any of you are interested in that the free one 25 ways to say no to get you started speak and feel heard easy to access crash course on assertive effective communication and then the deeper dive on boundaries with healthy boundaries boot camp those
are all going to be below so good to have you here would love to hear what connected with you which boundary you are going to start being mindful of you're like yep i need a little bit of more of that in my life so i can have a little bit less of the other in my life let me know in the description always good to have you here until next time take good care
