The Moth Podcast: Resolutions

welcome to the moth podcast I'm Michelle galowski it may be a new year but I've got pretty much the same resolutions I'm going to start reading a book every week I'm going to take more walks I'm finally going to find a way to keep that Trader Joe's orchid alive for more than a month check back with me in March to see how I did but sometimes the best thing you can do isn't to start something new it's to think about your old habits that you don't love the things and ideas that aren't serving you and

decide to leave them behind on this episode we've got two stories about the good that can sometimes come from quitting first up is Ian Stewart who told this at a mo story Slam in Portland here's Ian live at the m i remember my first cigarette almost as well as I remember my last my first one it was all love and honey it tasted good it felt good on my lips it melted my brain like chocolate under a hot marshmallow last one not not so much it was uh one of those random summertime hail storms and

I was huddled underneath this little overhang smoking it with abandoned desperate need I smoked it all the way down to the filter flicked it into this little flower pot that poor little thing never saw anything beautiful and I felt so frustrated with myself so so ashamed i' tried to quit plenty of times before and there I was again I felt like I was letting myself down felt like I was breaking a promise which I was I went back inside and I went into my bedroom where I've got this big white board it was my quit

board and it was huge and I only had like 60 little tallies in a corner and when I got the thing I was I was very sure I was going to fill this up no sweat I was going to I was going to maybe just keep on going and turn it into one of those dungeons that has little tallies all over the walls and as I'm sitting there looking at it I see 60-some tall representing around two and a half months it's pretty good and I remember it being so I was so frustrated to look

at that look at all that effort in between each of those lines represented an entire day of fighting Cravings Cravings that they were like a parasite man they would they would dictate everything I did throughout the day every single one of those tallies represented an entire day that I went I woke up didn't smoke I didn't smoke during my first cup of coffee or my second I didn't smoke after breakfast I didn't smoke before work on and on and on I'm wet I'm cold I'm so frustrated just so much self-pity I take my hand and

I just swipe all those tallies away quit board goes back down to zero days without a cigarette again that frustration it was it was it was I was I was mad I could feel myself just writhing in it and ironically in those moments the thing you really want is a cigarette I go back out to the kitchen where I left the pack and there's there's one left rattling around in there it's like the last match my little Lifeline before the darkness of no more smokes and on my hand below the pack I could see this

this blue smear it was the smear of 60-some little lines and 60-some little times where I said I went this entire day without a cigarette in that moment I didn't see that necessarily as a failure that was a collection of successes a lot of successes over 20 a day for 60 some days felt pretty damn good I put that pack back down and the next day around the same time I drew my first line on the quit board well again my first line again the next day I did it again two became four four became

20 before I knew it I had a long yet gradually easier year of tallies behind me right on appreciate that uh I still I still get Cravings on my hardest days I still have a little bit of Envy when I'm at the bar and I smell smoke it still smells good to me and I know it's weird I I I don't anymore that got kind of weird like the dungeon look not as cool as you might think but to this day to this day tucked away inside my nightstand it's all crusty and just a shell

of a thing now I still have that last smoke thank you that was Ian Stewart Ian is a writer and hobbyist of many things who tends to burn the candle at both ends he is the author of Bittersweet a collection of short stories and lives in Portland Oregon with his soon toe wife and their two cats now for a story about a different type of quitting here's Melissa early at a story Slam in [Applause] Chicago it was my first solo trip a year after my divorce I'm in a cave in Guatemala with a bunch of

20-year-olds I'm nearly 50 they're all in or the girls are little bikinis and I didn't bring my bathing suit to Guatemala so I'm in long pants and a t-shirt they give us a rope to hold on to that's anchored to the cave wall and a candle for light the water gets deeper and deeper and deeper and pretty soon I'm in water over my head trying to pull myself along with the rope and keep the damn candle lit the 20-year-olds are all getting gider and louder and gider and I am certain that something is going to

go horribly horribly wrong I'm in this stupid cave because it's what my 20-some self would have done my marriage unraveled so quickly I didn't see it coming it's like I stepped on a piece of black ice and I was on my ass before I knew what happened when I was single and in my 20s I loved traveling alone I love that feeling that the the world was hel holding me in benevolent hands and it just revealed itself to me one step at a time so when I decided to take this solo trip I planned it

like I had in my 20s Central America on the cheap not many plans ahead of time when I decided to see the turquoise pools of seuk champe I opted for the cheap option which was the caving Adventure inclusion I don't even like caves as we're going along the 20s somethings love it clearly they love it when we have to wedge ourselves through a narrow little Keyhole they love it when we go up not one but two ladders underw waterfalls while water is exploding in our faces they're all woo woo I'm looking around for safety helmets

the cave opens to a really large Cavern with a high platform they all start scampering around like little goats yelling and carrying on it's it's great America in there they're they're jumping off the platform into a deep pool it's Cannonball City and I'm sitting huddled cold tired and pretty certain someone is going to die after about 2 hours or it could have been 2 years I don't know we were finally almost out of the cave I could literally see the light at the end of the tunnel and my foot slips on a rock I try

to catch my balance I reach for the cave wall and I miss and I fall and I slam my back hard against a rock it hurts so bad for a minute I thought I broke my back I sit in the cold water I kind of hide my face cuz I don't want anyone else to see my tears I am so ashamed I am the old lady who fell I get up slowly I can walk but barely I slowly make my way to the locker room my back seizing up at every step when I get to

the locker room I know there's no way I can change out of my wet clothes into dry ones without help thankfully the person I ask is an Australian nurse and she assures me that I haven't done any permanent damage and that it's going to hurt like hell for a few days and it did but on my 20-some bucket list was the ruins at teac call so I am the next day on a small van shuttle and the jump seat that you know does this the whole time feeling every bump jostle and ditch and my my

back just tightens up it just sends shock waves of pain through my whole body all the way up to floras when we finally get to flas I get out my whole my body just locked in a tight grimace that night I'm sitting in on my Hotel Terrace and I finally admit that my 20-some travel days are over I am a grown ass woman I have a real job maybe I can afford a hotel with hot water and then I realize it's it's not my age I'm struggling with it's my fragility it's one thing to trust

the world when you believe you can't get hurt it's something totally different when you know you can I don't let my 20 something Travel self make my travel plans anymore but I do let her in on decisions I make I may be single and fragile but it's still sometimes worth risking crashing again because you can only not get hurt if you don't go anywhere or do anything or love anyone I'm learning to be fragile and brave at the same time that was Melissa early Melissa is a United Methodist Pastor in 2023 she moved from the

Chicago area to Leadville Colorado to make space in her life for writing hiking and creativity she's the pastor of St George Episcopal Mission and co-founder of sage Mountain Institute for writing and spirituality that's it for this episode from all of us here at the moth listening to our podcast is a habit we hope you never quit Michelle galowski is a producer and director at the moth where she helps people craft and shape their stories for stages all over the world this episode of The Moth podcast was produced by Sarah Austin janess Sarah Jane Johnson and

me Mark Singer the rest of the MTH leadership team includes Sarah Haberman Christina Norman Jennifer Hixon Meg BS Kate tellers Marina cluch Suzanne rust Leanne Gully and Patricia Ora The Moth would like to thank its supporters and listeners stories like these are made possible by Community giving if you're not already a member please consider becoming one or making a onetime donation today at the moth.org giveback when you give to the moth you help us bring storytelling to students and Community groups across the country thanks for your support all M stories are true as remembered by

their storytellers for more about our podcast information on pitching your own story and everything else go to our website the moth.org The Moth podcast is presented by PRX the public radio exchange helping make public radio more public at PX x.org