كيف تنجح العلاقات مع ياسر الحزيمي | بودكاست فنجان

All relationships are driven by need; it is a rule. Even our relationship with Allah. Except for his relationship with us, Allah is independent SWT. I asked a 114-year-old man from Az Zulfi his name was Addihesh. He probably died six years ago. I was interested in relationships. I asked him this important question because I thought he had generations-worth of knowledge about it. I said, “uncle, who is the person who identifies as a good person?” Although it is common to expect that past generations are the good ones, he said, "son, everyone nowadays is a good person." I

was shocked, and I asked why? Translated by Latifa Alharbi Hello! This is Fnjan from thmanyah, and I am Abdulrahman Abumalih. The ministry of health stated that one of the main reasons for depression is long-term solitude. Also, healthy relationships will help us overcome depression. Mental health is very significant to me and sure to many people. I wanted to discuss relationships thoroughly because it is an important aspect of mental health. Starting with the one human have with Allah and their need for a spiritual bond, all the way to the significance of the relationship one has with oneself.

It is the relationship every other relationship relies on. We learn to differentiate between loving ourselves, being confident, and being selfish and arrogant. How will I heal my relationship with myself, and make it healthier? And after at least having a grip on the relationship with oneself, how to handle our relationships with other people? in a world where individualism and relativism are the way of living. It was said that this freedom of individualism takes away the sense of safety. So, how can one navigate relationships under these conditions? These relationships vary in type and degree and affect people.

So, I present you this episode with Yasser Al-Huzaimi, a certified relationship coach. He has a long experience in giving courses on improving relationships and communication skills. He explained relationships, starting from the relationship with oneself then the one between both genders, whether it was in workplaces or as couples. It is a very important episode for everyone. Who doesn't want to better manage their relationships? But before we start, thmanyah presents an incredible documentary series about genes and their effects on you, your children’s characters, your possible diseases, and your future. All rely on your genes. The series is

live on Aflam thmanyah channel on YouTube, and its link is in this episode’s description. Now, let’s start. -How was your experience with podcasts? -Generally, excellent. but as a host, it requires so much mental effort. -Really? -Yes. When you have guests, they usually share general information. So, you must listen carefully and play the audience role. Especially when you already know what they’re talking about. So, you must act ignorant to extract detailed information to benefit the audience. -But why appear ignorant? -Because you may know the idea more than your guests sometimes. So, there will be informational gaps,

which are as easy as A B C to you and your guest, but new to the audience. It is hard to look at from the audience’s point of view. Although I have not seen your latest episode, the heart-to-heart talk about the comments. -I didn’t want to listen to it -It’s good that you didn’t! I didn’t want to watch it before our interview because it might affect our discussion, but I will watch it after. I just wanted the podcast to become more of a comfortable experience, to steer it away from the television template. So, it could

be anything It is ok to be serious, and it's ok not to be so. I believe that you are a role model in being casual about it. You changed presenting podcasts and made a benchmark. In discussions about podcasts which is on the rise, hopefully, a positive trend, your name always comes first. -Alhamdulillah. -By the way, the product became you, not otherwise. No one refers to your production as thmanyah or Finjan, but they say Abdulrahman Abumalih instead. -That’s good. -Yes, it is a good thing, mashallah! Thanks to Allah! So, why did you change your path from

being in education to becoming a relationship coach? Two things made me choose relationships, first, I wrote a book on self and personality. Its title is The Strong Personality. It’s about developing a good personality that enables you to interact with people. Why did you choose the word "strong" as a synonym for "good"? Having relationships requires having a sword, a scabbard, and a shield. So, there will be stings, threats, and fear. As a wise person, you should know when to use your sword against the one who deserves it for good reasons and when to put it away.

For example, when dealing with parents, elders, and dear people. No sword at all! There are the people you should deal with using your sword to draw a line they won’t cross. The problem is that having a sword without a scabbard is violence, while having a scabbard without a sword is excessive kindness, which leads to weakness. Most people’s suffering is caused by other people. -What do you mean? -When you search in social media and the internet, you find that the case usually is that a human being complains about another. If it is about his job, it

is about another person. If it was a car problem, it would be simpler, but most struggles are caused by people to other people. That’s why I thought I should heal myself first. The book I wrote was for me at first, but later, it was published. In addition to that, I thought that the self is a product in the social market. So, how can you market it? Some people have good products but poor marketing. Others might have bad products but excellent marketing skills. That’s why we are fooled by first impressions. First impressions in job interviews, relationships,

events, and gatherings. I like this person and that; this one makes me uncomfortable while that looks strange, this and that. So, it is about the way you present yourself to others. The one who thinks he has a poor product won’t market it well. Even If he did, he doesn't believe in it and won't convince you to buy it. You might be unconfident; don't accept yourself, your acne, your baldness, your height, tribe, or color, and so on. Which makes you destroyable by any glance of contempt. That’s why some people avoid social situations that make them feel

unwelcome. So, my idea is to strengthen this personality; it’s how it heals and then heals its relationships. So, you thought that your personality was absent and that you couldn’t market it! -Where did this idea originate from? -At the beginning? It is not our topic, ok! -But I really would like to know. -I meant I wanted to talk more about relationships. -We will! -Because talking about the self is another vast topic. -Part of relationships is the one we have with ourselves. -Yes, one of the pillars. Is it the most important? What are the types of relationships?

If you may, before discussing types, let’s talk about the pillars because I mentioned them. You may! The pillars are four: First, the relationship with Allah SWT. Allah SWT says, “As for those who believe and do good, the most compassionate will bless them with love.” Some people don’t benefit you, but you love them, feel comfortable around them, and trust them even without previous encounters. That is granted by Allah SWT. The relationship with Allah, the creator, affects the relationships with his creations. This is an essential pillar, and we have a lot of religious scripture on it. A

good attitude toward our relationship with Allah is based on three things; believing what he has told us, accepting our destiny, and following his orders. The one who does this is the one with good manners towards Allah SWT. The next pillar is the relationship with oneself. It includes an attitude such as appreciating myself If you may! before getting to the self, I want to know more about the importance of our relationship with Allah. -Ok! -I mean, how will it reflect on the human being's spiritual well-being? Let’s reverse that; what if there was no god? Addressing this

modern matter. If the god, the watchful, was absent, then the witness is absent, as well as the beneficence. To worship Allah as if you see him and even though you do not see him, you know he sees you. Therefore, the way I treat you will be different in the presence of the watchful. When Allah AWJ created us, he made us witnesses: I’m I not your god? We all said yes, you are our god. Then he offered us the trust, which makes us trusted. Imagine if someone trusted you with your body, your life, your time, and

your money; It is all his trust. And he is watchful over you. How will you treat this trust? According to the owner of this trust’s will. So being aware of this watchful presence will make us more forgiving. Aisha R.A was angry with her maid, but she didn't hurt her back, and said, “Piety is a good moral; it leaves us no way to avenge ourselves”. On the day of judgment, I will receive justice. There will be punishment and reward. The relationship with oneself and others in case of injustice. You were unjust to me, so how will

I avenge myself? Later, on that day. So, I show patience, endure, repress my anger, forgive, and leave it here. But if someone treats life as a one-time opportunity, how will he react? People would be intensely envious if they thought that life is an opportunity, not a reciprocation but a hustle. I grab as many pieces as possible of this cake and move on to another. But it is different when they have Jannah in perception. Some always have it in mind, they're like, “I will have this in Jannah inshallah.” Whenever prophet Muhammad PBUH liked something in Dunya,

he said, “O Allah! There is no life worth living except the life of the Hereafter”. This life is just crumbs. This mindset helps humans feel content. In Quran, “and the Hour is certain to come”. So, what do we do? Pray? Fast? Worship? No! “So, forgive graciously.” Aha! so we forgive. each other The saying is “to forgive when you can”, but some forgive when in graves. Upon remembering death and grieving the loss of someone you had grudges against. Death awakens. Remembering death makes life less worthy of having hard feelings. In modern life, the difference between me

and the non-Muslims, or the ones who absorbed the western lifestyle is huge. The westerners’ life is like their graves, beautiful from the outside but empty and lonely from the inside. Beautiful materialistic world and pleasures, but depression lie under all of that. While the life of a believer is totally different. And if things get hard, the believer will find relief on his praying mat. The believer finds comfort in remembering that there will be a final day, recompense, fate, rationale, and blessings. These concepts embrace and calm the believer. Also, being aware of Allah’s presence makes dealing with

others a way of seeking his pleasure. This relationship will be evaluated by Allah. So, when I remove a twig from the Muslims' way, he will reward me by entering the Jannah. The Jannah that heads were lost and feet bled for is as easy as removing a twig. Because humans are so valuable to Allah that he created the skies and earth only for them! The "la ilaha illallah" in this human's heart is as heavy as the skies and earth, and his blood is more sacred than Alkaaba. So, you are a precious human being. When you do

a simple act of kindness in your measures, Allah weighs it by his own measures. When you have this in perspective, you know that your trade is with Allah while dealing with others. So, I please you to please the Knower of the Unseen. In the western model, the customer is always right. It isn't actually about that. They turned relationships from transactions to tactics seeking profit; they get to the hearts to get to the pockets. Behind “the customer is always right” is the intent of taking. I’m not generalizing, but comparing between models. Being aware of Allah’s presence

while dealing with others changes many things. If I may, I want us to apply this to our reality. Nowadays, the influence of the west is present, as you’ve repeatedly mentioned. It is a thing now; we live it. What you've said is religious, but what about the spiritual aspect of it, regardless of religion? What is the significance of a spiritual bond? Its opposite is increasing in western societies. For example, in Britain, irreligious people are the most of British society. I need to recheck this information, but you get the point. Atheism is rising alongside other trendy spiritual

activities, such as meditation and yoga. Why do humans seek this bond even if they don’t believe in god? Why do humans crave this type of relationship? The search for a god, an absolute, is an instinct. It unravels under pressure. Even when disbelievers “board a ship, they supplicate Allah, sincere to him in religion.” Some irreligious or atheists look to the sky when life gets hard because they search for an absolute entity beyond humanity. -Why do we have this pressing need? -It is an instinct in human beings. The nature of human beings is to believe in a

god and need a god. Which god? This is where people differ. That’s why messengers were sent to introduce us to this god and identify him for us. God is not only a worshiped and external entity but also found within. To worship one’s own desires. The modern human being made a god out of desire and pleasure. What is a god? It is your legislator who tells you what’s right and what’s wrong. Therefore, religion gives you the lawful and the unlawful. While norms tell you what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Also, the sense of beauty defines the beautiful

and the ugly. All of that isn't applicable anymore. So, when I dress up, do I ask myself whether my clothes are bought with lawful or unlawful money or if it is modest or not? No, because it is religious. I don’t care about people’s opinions about whether my clothes are acceptable. Is it beautiful or ugly? It doesn’t matter anymore. Is it efficient and protects me from the cold? No. The main concern is not that anymore, but whether it is new. Then fashion and trends became the god of this age, the legislator. Imagine seeing terrible clothes, by

all measures, and the long lines waiting to buy them. People will defend the beauty they imagined after they fought for it and bought it. The clothes or bags they saved money to have will lose their social value in a year because they won’t be trendy anymore. So, are humans in constant need of a god? Yes, they are. This was the first pillar, the relationship with Allah. -The second is! -The relationship with oneself, as we mentioned: appreciation and acceptance. -Are you ordering the pillars according to importance? -No, it depends on its context. In some situations, the

order changes. Your relationship with the other becomes prioritized over your relationship with yourself. -When? -In the cases of altruism. You prioritize the other. You wouldn’t be able to be altruistic if your relationship with yourself was too strong. This preference depends on humane situations. If I had a crucial appointment, but someone was in need, and I preferred to offer them help, this is altruism. The philosophy is that this preference makes me more appreciative of myself, which results in seeking Allah’s pleasure. All the types intertwine, and separating between them is not natural to humans. So, now we're

talking about the self. What is this self? Your relationships are parts of yourself. Your culture, readings, clothes, appearance, hairstyle, name, surname, walk, and possessions are all parts of yourself. The wise is who can differentiate between appearance and substance. Another part of the self is its interests. Therefore, we have many relationships based on shared interests. Both of us could be cheering for the same team, playing the same games, or reading the same books, and our relationship is built by common interests. The most essential tool for building a relationship is the skills you have. Why? Because relationships

rely on cooperation and mutualism, in Quranic terms: subjugation. I benefit from you, and you benefit from me. So, the more skills you have, the more you'll be needed. Also, the more independent you are. English! I do speak. Technology or weather! I have my way with that. History and culture! I am literate. I don’t need anyone. But the less skilled you are, the more you need people, and you become more dependent. You will be constantly asking for something that whenever I see your call I'd be like, oh! here he is again, always taking but never giving.

Therefore, your skill level, knowledge, and abilities affect your relationships. According to Ali R.A, people are three types, the one who helps you is your master, the one you help is your prisoner, and the one who doesn’t need you is your equal. Being the master all the time will hurt you because you’ll be consumed and disappointed. Being a prisoner all the time will end you up unwanted. To be the latter, the equal, isn't realistic or humane. You are a human, so you'll need. There is a story of a man who prayed, “oh Allah, don’t make me

need anyone of your subjects” Then Imam Ahmed said, "this person asked for his doom" because only being dead means not needing anyone. So, as long as you live, you will need and be needed. This is the relationship with oneself. -What is a healthy relationship with oneself? -Not to show the world someone far from who you really are. According to William James, whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is. The larger the

void between who you are and who you present, the more depression, shame, and a sense of unworthiness you'll feel. This will affect your relationships, and it will be exposed during the conflicts of beliefs you have with the other. For example, you welcomed me to this blessed podcast, and I told you that my purpose is changing society for the better. This is what I showed you, ok! But deep down, I look for profits. In this case .. -Is that why you asked for money? -No, wallah (I swear) I didn’t. In this case, I will be exposed,

-And if that happened, who would see my real face? -Me, I suppose. -What will happen then? -I would change the way I see you. No! I will be exposed to my own self. According to Sartre, when you are alone, you lose the sense of self, its values, beliefs, and atrocity, but when you interact with someone, you feel shame caused by a watchful presence. How would that be in case this watchful was Allah SWT? When you did this wrongdoing, you didn’t realize its magnitude because you were at peace with your conflicting values, but when your actions

expose you, you will understand that you’re mistaken. Who showed me that? The person I’m interacting with. Prophet Muhammad PBUH said, “The believer is the mirror of his brother”. So, the wise person doesn’t break the mirror when it reflects a flawed face because it is the mirror’s function. And please notice that you go to the mirror to see, not otherwise. To fix yourself and ask for advice. This was the second relationship, the one you have with yourself. Now let’s discuss the relationship with others. -If I may, I want to ask about each relationship. -Yes, you may.

You mentioned that the gap between appearance and reality causes depression. Is that the case whether I see myself as less or more than I am? Yes! Which perception is negative and positive? The positive one is seeing yourself as lesser than you are. It is being humble, a way of purifying oneself. Umar R.A. gathered the Companions and reminded them that he used to be a shepherd. They asked him, "is this what you gathered us for?" He said, “my self told me that I am Umar, the Commander of the Faithful, so I wanted to remind you that

I used to be called Umair.” This is how to discipline and purify oneself. -What is the negative case? -When this discipline turns into contempt. The prophet PBUH said, “The believer should not humiliate himself.” They asked: “How could he humiliate himself?” He said, “By taking on a trial that he cannot deal with.” For example, believing that I can produce a podcast while I can't. Trying and then failing won’t make me pleased with myself. I would belittle myself because I did something above my powers. Therefore, self-contempt isn’t a religious, humane, or healthy way to deal with oneself.

On the other hand, thinking highly of myself, as more than I really am, will lead to disappointments. It would make me lose the sense of limits and accuse whoever wants my well-being with envy and jealousy. If I claimed to have an ability I don't possess, I would end up in despair. According to the Diener effect, which measures performance, when a person starts a task with high and baseless confidence but fails, he will be at the lowest confidence level. The question is, why feel confident? For example, when elementary students are asked, who would want to participate

in the broadcast? They all raise their hands excitedly. That is because they have no idea what it is. When your child tries to help you to carry heavy things thinking he can, but he can’t and doesn’t know it. Or trying to swim without even knowing how to swim. -Why do they feel they can? -Ignorance? Because of ignorance. Sometimes, confidence is driven by ignorance. But when they try, they find out their limits. After failing, people will divide into two types, some will stay down, and others will climb up and learn to strengthen their relationships with themselves

to gain true confidence. There is an Arabic saying, “two will attempt to public speak, the one who is excellent and aware of his skills and the fool who has no clue what he’s doing.” That’s why it is necessary to learn our limitations and boundaries, even with other people. Relationships are a constant state of approaching and distancing, knowing what to do and when to do it. How to take space just to the point of missing each other, not abandonment. How to get close just to the point of embracing each other, not clinging. Because sometimes being too

close leads to rejection. We will talk about that later. Yes, we will. I just wanted to discuss the relationship with oneself a bit more. What you have said sounds logical. I remember reading somewhere that intelligent people hesitate more than ignorant people. While the latter have higher chances of success only because of their impulses. Sometimes, you need this ignorance to make an impulsive step before it scares you. Maybe it is so simple that being hesitant doesn't make sense. So, how to manage that? Excellent! If you know more, you hesitate more. Because you measure everything with the

big picture in mind. For example, someone would ask you, Abu Omar, how do you make podcasts? What will you start explaining? Unlike a person who had a previous impulsive experience in podcasts. Ignorance helped this person to try. But did this ignorance provide any knowledge? That is the distinguishing factor. It didn’t provide any knowledge, just a deformed attempt. On the other hand, an intelligent person can have an authentic experience, but only when he doesn't exaggerate his hesitation. It was said that being afraid before trying is a weakness. Why are you afraid? You didn’t even try. Why

don’t you try? Because you’d say I’m a fool. This is the nature of all beginnings. It is the hardest and the most awkward part. You must accept not doing well at first because this is how you will improve yourself. Each of us has a first day. The first day of driving is remembered as a joke, but at that time, it was a matter of life and death. It is simpler now. It became a tale in his success story. A first day of podcasting, a first day of teaching, a first day of work, and a first

day of engagement. They were overwhelming days full of hesitation, which is normal. How to differentiate between self-love and arrogance? There is a difference between loving oneself and not, but arrogance is compared to .. -Confidence! -Yes. Confidence is believing in the ability while having it. Simply! To believe that you can, and you actually can. I believe that I have the ability in the present moment according to my past experiences and my optimism. I want to produce a podcast, so I rely on my previous recording experience. Then, I start, by Allah’s will, feeling that I can do

it. If a person lacks experience, he would be pushed by his optimism to become confident. So, it is the feeling of existing power. -Is being confident always a good thing? -Yes. Arrogance is believing in a non-existing ability. An arrogant might claim he can beat his enemies but end up beaten. He's full of himself. -Maybe he was motivated by his optimism! -But there is no ability. He doesn’t have the experience or prediction of his success, so he’s mistaken. Now that we discussed two types, we have a couple left. Not believing in the ability while having it.

This is the self-contempt we talked about. He’d refuse to take a shot even if he was proven to have the talent and prefers the backstage. -How to fix that? -We’re left with the fourth type. Not believing in the ability and not having it. This is the Awareness. -Excellent. -To know what I’m good at and what I’m not. According to Ibn Khaldun, knowing that you don’t know is knowledge in itself. How to heal self-contempt? It is treated by two approaches: complimenting and developing. Complimenting is looking back on my experiences and relying on my past success. Usually,

evaluating yourself is a selective process. It’s like holding a torch and looking into a dark room that contains messy and tidy parts. The self-aware one sees it all and makes a wise judgment. While the one who sheds light on the messy side only will make a poor judgment. Another one would only choose to see the tidy side and think everything is beautiful, which is wrong too. When I’m self-deprecating, I have to look at the compliments of the past, the achievements, to calm down. Then start developing and improving myself, but how? This word is overused and

sounds complicated, but it is very simple. Start small! We like huge achievements, but the smaller steps will fuel persistence and arm us with evidence that we are much more than what people think of us. When others try to put you down, you will be invincible. The difference between youngsters and adults is that children act blindly and depend on our description. We tell them whether they are good or not either by our behavior or our verbal reinforcement. Adults are, however, still get affected by that. Allah says to prophet Muhammad PBUH “We certainly know that your heart

is truly distressed by what they say.” So, they are still undoubtedly affected, but the history of their achievements can help them control themselves. We can’t shut their mouths, but can close our ears and be less affected by their comments. It is impossible to stop them from saying something hurtful to us. There are people who speak irreverently about Allah, their creator, giver, and protector. They said, “Allah is tight-fisted” and “Allah is poor”. They did that to the prophet PBUH as well. So, what about you and me? When prophet Musa asked Allah to hold people’s mouths, so

they don’t speak ill of him, Allah replied, “Musa, that is something I did not decree to myself”. They can and will talk, so you must be prepared for such things. Why would a person love or hate himself? Why do you find a person who always loves himself and another who always hates it? Anyone who yearns to love and grew up in an unfulfilling home, with unloving caretakers is thirsty and willing to drink any drop of love regardless of its impurity. When a person is starving, he eats the crumbs of people’s compliments and puts on a

foolish mask to have their acceptance. The question is, what made him like that? It is a long story, and I wanted to talk more about relationships. -We’ll get there, we have the whole night. -Until dawn? -Until dawn. -Inshallah! When we were little, we felt special, and we were cherished by our families, so we develop a sense of worthiness and feel beautiful and accepted. They drink and eat after me. They hug and kiss me, so I must be a good person. I learn that I’m a welcomed human being through your behavior and reinforcements as a caretaker.

I know my worthiness through your longing for me when I’m not around. That’s why some children hide to see if someone would look for them. By the way, this behavior is also seen in adults, but through different strategies. Did someone miss me or not? This little human was born, welcomed, loved, and treated with prizes and praises. Then the baby human feels safe seeing someone and anxious if she’s absent. They discover later that this someone is called a mother. When they cry, this familiar face appears, and this person holds them. When they’re in pain, this pain

of hunger goes away when this person holds them. So, this baby associates survival with the presence of others. It is a significant moment in the life of humans. It starts before that. When the umbilical cord was cut, you became responsible for yourself. No one will give you unless you ask. This baby notices that when he's crying, hungry, or in pain, someone holds and helps him. So, he develops this association. After a little while, this someone with a mustache appears. He learns that this person is called a father. He’s an annoying person at first. He picks

him up a lot, pokes, and plays with him. Later, he realizes that this person is not so bad after all. He takes him out to new places, breaks the rules, and lets him eat sweets. He grows up and finds out there are people called siblings. This is another significant moment. This social relationship with siblings is transactional. Get this, and we’ll let you play with us! Do that, and we’ll give you what you want. This significant moment is when he realizes that saying no makes him rejected. He understands that pleasing others protects him from rejection, so

he obeys his siblings. Once I didn’t obey them, they ate without sharing and teased me. I don’t want to feel this way again, so I always should obey them. Then, it becomes applicable to later stages of life, like going to school or having guests. When we had guests, the house changed. This is another significant moment. There was cleaning and tidying, What happened? Why did we become better now? Because there was the other. Who without, we were less of people. So, we need to upgrade ourselves for this other. Take a shower, wear this, don’t speak, clean

up, do your hair, and sit straight! What is all that for, daddy? For the other. So, pleasing this other equals pleasing my parents. And pleasing my parents equals my survival. This other starts to be magnified that he becomes the source of safety. The problem with the other who ensures my safety, Abu Omar, is that he can be cross with me. It is like pressing the brakes and accelerator pedals all at once and burning out because the source of safety is now a source of pain and fear. Pleasing them becomes confusing. So he starts to generalize

this and applies it to every other relationship. Then, I start to identify myself in comparison and accordance with others. Whenever you magnify others, you become smaller and smaller. There is no big or small unless it is put to comparison. For example, this cup is small compared to the size of the studio but large compared to the size of a bean. It keeps changing size according to what I compare it with. So, when I magnify people, I become small. I lose my value in their presence. On the contrary, reducing others and magnifying myself is, according to

prophet Muhammad PBUH, called pride. “Pride amounts to disclaiming truth out of self-esteem, and despising people” I fix that by treating people as they are, humans, who can’t protect or benefit themselves, and won’t be able to do it for me. A poet once said to prophet Muhammad that his poems could insult him or praise him, but PBUH said, “Only Allah can do this.” So, when you are being bullied, see it as a scene from a hidden camera show. Remember how people seemed angry in these shows and then laughed? Because the scene wasn’t reality. This life is

a hidden camera show. People’s feelings cannot affect me. We’re all here to fulfill what Allah intended for us. Neither of us has any capacity to humiliate nor glorify anyone. Through this mentality, I won’t be affected by anyone because I see them as who they actually are. When Al Awzai was summoned by the ruler, he said that he wore his shroud preparing for his death. Upon his entrance, people covered themselves against the anticipated bloodshed, but he was safe and welcomed. When he was asked about what he did to avoid death, he said that he was terrified

because he knew the ruler was angry with him. “But when I saw the ruler on his throne, I thought of Allah on his throne, so he was reduced to the size of a fly.” The ruler can’t even help himself; it is all in Allah’s hands. When you idolize people, you give them the power of god over you. When you think that your boss has power over you or that your job interview puts your future at stake, you idolize them. They are only here to fulfill what Allah intended for you. So, people self-contempt when they expect

validation from others. The modern human being’s value comes from external validation and recognition. They became balloons need others to inflate them with external validation. The problem is these balloons float toward a needle factory. You won’t be immune to people’s criticism. The one who inflated you is the one who can pop you with one word. So, you need to value yourself, seek Allah’s pleasure, elevate your morals, and leave people to their creator. How do you know that you have a good relationship with yourself? One of the big signs is knowing your rights and your limits. Umar

R.A., who scared the devil, was coming, so children fled upon seeing him, except for Ibn Zubair. Umar asked him why he didn’t flee with his friends, and he replied, “If the way was narrow, I’d step away to make space for you to pass. And I haven’t done anything wrong to fear you.” Knowing your rights and your boundaries is a great sign that you love yourself. As well as normalizing mistakes. It’s ok to make mistakes because I’m a flawed human being. The perfection of human beings is owning their imperfect nature. If they don’t admit their flawed

nature, they only prove it, for Allah is the only perfect. Seeking perfection is imperfect in itself. There's a difference between accepting imperfection and settling for it. Owning my imperfect nature should empower me to do better and be better. Seeking perfection is the obsession of this day and age because of the intense scrutiny and bullying There is an easy way to victimize people through a medium without taking accountability. I can dislike your content and insult you without a moral burden. I just made fun of you and bullied you, and it ends here for me. -I can’t

even know how it made you feel! -The story just ended for me but started for you. Your pain and suffering are irrelevant because there is a medium that distances me from the consequences. In addition to knowing our rights and limits, we have a sense of moderate self-worth. I know I’m entitled to learn, make mistakes, ask questions, and speak my mind, but that is restrained by timing and attitude. The other sign is not to be ashamed of anything normal. Such as the way you look, your hair, acne, baldness, tribe, or your car. Some people park their

cars away out of shame or become self-conscious because coffee was spilled on their clothes. I love you, not your clothes, so don’t worry. The other sign is being yourself. It is painful to behave according to other people. To wear a small painful shoe just for people’s admiration. Find your comfort, not theirs. So, self-acceptance is a sign. -Self-acceptance doesn’t mean you stop improving yourself. -How is that? An overweight person avoids social gatherings and feels bad in the plane’s small seats. Then, he isolates himself, gets unhealthier, and more frustrated. This is not acceptance; acceptance is to joke

about it. To answer people's questions about my weight with, “before you asked or after?”. I accept and join gatherings, but I should always try to be in better health. When I go to the gym self-accepting, I will be fueled by the right motivation. It doesn't matter if they get in shape now or a year later because they enjoy the journey. Otherwise, it would be a daunting pursuit. Loving yourself is to accept yourself and speak your truth, to be a child. A child in the skin of a man who expresses his needs comfortably. Has pure joy

and feels proud and safe, and loves life. This is self-acceptance. How to find my mirror? The person you ask for advice should have three traits. Wise, knows you well, and knows the matter you ask about. Just the three. Prophet Muhammad said, “You will find the worst among the people a double-faced person who appears to some people with one face and to others with another face.” I didn’t understand it well and found it difficult to appear with one face. I show a face with my friends that I don’t show in serious situations. Until I heard its

explanation from Ibn Uthaymeen. He said that the muslin should appear to people with one face. If it was a good face, he'd be encouraged. And if it was a bad one, he’d be supported to become a better person. To be a better person, you must be truthful to yourself in front of the right people. When I want my teeth fixed, I go to the dentist. Although I have a beautiful smile, I tell him that I have cavities hidden because it’s his specialty. Yet, I don’t scream in an irrelevant social gathering that I have cavities to

be truthful and transparent. Some people have hidden sins and confess on social media to be truthful and self-accepting. It’s not like that. You should choose the one who will help and guide you when you want to be truthful and honest. This is how you ask for advice. When you talk, sometimes your analogies are relevant to modern humans, but also, you quote from Quran and Hadith. What’s the difference between western personalities and Islamic personalities? Abu Omar, when you mix lemon juice and Zamzam water, the resulting liquid is neither lemon juice nor Zamzam water. This is the

modern Muslim who has Islamic values and western values mixed. These western values exploded in different times and places, but we still inhale its gases whether we like it or not. We’re as exposed to it as everyone else in the world. Our immune systems determine how deeply it affects us. When you go to a beautiful furniture shop and find a beautiful chair, you imagine it would be perfect for your home. But when it’s in your home, it doesn’t go well with your furniture. Why is that? Because you didn’t buy the chair, but you bought the entire

scene. The beautiful setup in the store fooled you. So does the case of western culture. You can’t just pick one value, but the entire package. When a person goes to the beach indecently dressed, people will stare. Complaining about the stares is Zamzam while appearing that way is the juice. What a peculiar mix! If you want to dress like that, accept the stares, and take the whole package. When you behave decently, people will. It depends on how you see it. -Let’s talk about modern relationships if I have your permission. -Ok. In a lengthy journey. First, the

effect of atheism on relationships. We mentioned how the absence of the watchful. the Day of Judgment, and morals won't make us treat each other properly. After atheism, we discuss scientism. Foucault said that the person who was born in the eighteenth century did not exist yet because he was born with the quantitative research in humanities. So, they were reduced to cells, tissues, and numbers. How sad are you, from one to ten? Scientism brought rationalism and philosophical theories. Humans are confused between Hobbes's wolves, Pavlov’s dog, Darwin’s monkey, Machiavelli’s fox, Spinoza’s stone, Nietzsche’s dead god, and the white

paper of John Locke. The is the human being in the modern definition, that takes form in our lives. Then, materialism gutted humans and reduced them to appearances. Isn’t marriage, for example, a bond of souls? Why is the whole dowry spent on bodies, furniture, and traveling? Use it to take courses on marriage and read more about it. Ask Allah for guidance and success. No! I only want the appearance, not the substance. Appearance became an obsession even in a relationship with oneself. Some girls’ greatest achievement is their bodies. As well as the guys who dress indecently to

show their muscles. Some guys go to the gym to build masculine bodies and smoke a cigarette on the way out because they don’t seek fitness and health; they want appearance. After materialism, comes freedom. I am free to do what I want, excused by “still, didn’t hurt anyone”. The Islamic philosophy is not to be all free to do what we want, but it is the western philosophy of freedom and possession. The extreme form of worshiping Allah is to be free from anyone but Allah; you are his servant, which is the actual freedom. The extreme form of

freedom is to be enslaved. If you want to measure the freedom of possession, ask if they are so free that they can sell their bodies. Aren't you free to use your time and body however you want? If the answer is yes, they are slaves, and if it is no, they are not free. So, they're not free whatsoever. This freedom of not submitting to a legislator that is beyond the lawful and the unlawful; to submit to one’s desires. Why did you buy this or wear that? Because I liked it. "I liked it” is the only answer,

but lawful and unlawful are out of the picture. After that, relativism. When we are all free, truth becomes relative. Relationship preferences became relative. There was a time when the norm of generosity and hospitality was to feed your guests a sheep. Nowadays, they offer burgers you grill yourself and advise you to add cheese and salad. As a guest, it might seem like an insult, but my host sees it as hospitality. They believe that being hospitable is making the guests comfortable. They believe that the priority is their comfort. In other cases, some would throw a feast that

might be more expensive than a sheep. Which is generosity? Is it the one in my perception or yours? This is relativism. There is no norm anymore that I can predict your boundaries. Freedom and relativism made the way for individualism. Each of us is on our own. I'm happy on my own because according to relativism, you won't understand me and according to freedom, you can’t control me, whether you are family, law, or tradition. So, I’m free and individualistic. Wearing my headphones in my cocoon and indulging myself in social media which gives me everything I need. All

of this is not so bad, but it doesn’t create a sense of safety. When I drive on a newly paved road without any studs, I would freely drive in any lane, but any horn sound would freak me out. If I had a passenger with me, I would be told to be careful, but because I’m individualistic, I have no company. Freedom and safety are opposites. A sense of security comes from the family; they safely give your freedom. That’s why families were intentionally extended in the past. Your father may tell you to greet your uncle, who isn’t

actually your uncle, but only to hand him certain capacities with the relationship this word conveys. These capacities involve the privilege to be helped, supported, taken care of when in need, and forgiven when mistaken. That is what the word “uncle” entails. If I’m individualistic, I don’t want all of that. These privileges require me to adhere to their rules. To do my hair the way they like, to wear what they approve of, and to behave myself on social media because I represent them. When I refuse that, I lose the privileges. So, I will be individualistic. I throw

myself a lonely party when I'm happy and get depressed alone. These two feelings change when sharing; happiness multiplies, and sadness shrinks. Individualism took away the family and left us each isolated on our own islands surrounded by the sea of social media. We reached a state called moral myopia. To lose the sense of right and wrong that used to be defined by religion, family, and society’s norms and traditions. The lack of social standards. This myopia is seen in the case of separating the signifier and signified. For example, a frying pan in the shape of a wall

clock, or a drum that looks like a chair. You can’t tell right from wrong. It means that the signifier doesn't signify the signified anymore. It means that the bearded man is not necessarily a good person. That’s true, but it is an exception, not the rule. The rule is that this person is mostly a good person. Or that lady with a hijab or in an abaya is not necessarily a modest woman. “Not necessarily” is the easiest judgment, and the exception became the rule. Bauman described the loss of social standards by the empty throne. When Nietzsche declared

the death of the god, the absence of a legislator, humans were left undirected that they died too. My right is your wrong, and vice versa. Humans died too, so the throne became empty. Then, the trend took over the throne, ruled, and defined a new right and wrong. It directed humans. The ever-changing nature of the trend eased the way to globalization. To unify the model in the whole world. The product, whether it is cultural, material, or knowledge is easier to be sold to a unified global group than to many different local groups. Because when the local,

for instance, the Saudi, wears the Shemagh, I can’t sell him my tie. If he’s reading in his Arabic language, I can’t sell him my language. If he’s going to eat his local dishes, I can’t bring him to my restaurants. I wouldn't be able to sell him my icons or my media. So, they are left with three methods, either by colonization and oppressing the other, by normalizing it using soft power, or excluding the other that they become labeled as backward and outcasts. To be met with a demeaning shock when you don’t have a subscription to Netflix,

don’t use Snapchat, or have any phone besides iPhone. Please notice that the comparison is usually binary. iPhone or Samsung Galaxy? But if you had neither, you are weird! It is in everything, such as football in which you must choose one of two teams to cheer for, either Real Madrid or Barcelona! The earth's derby. Either this or that, if neither, do you live under a rock? Even global fashion brands are now a scale of taste and wealth. Also, unifying food, language, and currency. Local newspapers are replaced by Twitter. Tv is replaced by YouTube and Netflix, where

I sell you my values. I will cancel your unique identity and globalize you to form a unified model. You can feel the power of globalization when you find yourself in east Asia, for example,, terrified while walking into an alley until you find yourself embraced by the western model, a mall, towers, and McDonald’s, which makes you relieved. Although the potential danger of the outside is the same inside. -To further explain globalization, I’ll ask you a quick question if you may! -Go ahead! -I want you to name two animals with the letter Aleph. -Asad (lion) and Arnab

(rabbit) We don’t have lions or rabbits in our environment, but we only see them on Tv. We have Ibil (camels) and Um Junaib (horned viper), and both names begin with Aleph. So, the human being is his familiarities, not his environment. Media familiarized many notions that aren’t ours. -Isn’t there an Arabic loin? -Not that we have seen any; we only read about it. After globalization, utilitarianism was introduced. The first question of the moral collapse is “What’s in it for me?” Someone once wrote, “I just took my second dose” another one replied, “ok, so?” driven by individualism

and utilitarianism. Nothing has to do with me, go tell your mom! Then, the contractualism. I am not entirely against it. When I say cars made people lazy, I'm not saying don't drive anymore! A factory doesn't only manufacture good products but also produces industrial waste. I’m just explaining the civilization's waste. It is beautiful, but its waste must be considered. -Why should we consider it? -To show you that we are inhaling these wastes. A friend said he was once on a train between cities in Europe. Before departure, he went for a coffee, then realized that the train

he was on was heading to France. He said that if he didn't leave the train, he would've gone to France, not his destination. Our lives are this train. We must double-check our destination. Being on a train is a challenge! If you looked at your photos from last winter, you’d mock your style, but you thought you were stylish and well-dressed at the time. You were on a fashion train, but you weren't aware of it. Now think, despite the 21 years we grew through from childhood until adulthood, we can’t deal with teenagers although we went through that

stage. So, experiencing without awareness doesn’t count as an experience. The Prophet’s companions had a conflict once, but those wise men couldn’t make a good judgment at the time. We now read history in retrospect with the ability to discern, but they were within the situation. Let’s go back to contractualism. When our relationship is contractual, we share a contract. I give you something, and you give me something in return. It is a terrific legal agreement that lacks humanity. It means that we are only accountable for what we agreed on, to be just but not necessarily kind, although

kindness is the very nature of humane relationships. Contractualism is helpful during conflicts and disagreements; it cannot be the very nature of a relationship. It is now a mechanism within families. I will pay for the maid, and you’ll pay for the driver, and so on. Kindness should be the way of treating others. “If he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another." This is life, forgiveness. Allah AWJ says, “And do not forget kindness among yourselves.” What a beautiful verse! It is a story of a man who was engaged to a woman and gave

her a dowry, but it didn’t work out. So, he can get half of his dowry back which is his right, and can let her have it all, Allah advises them to be kind to each other before being just. Which kindness? The kindness that became due when you had a cup of tea at their house and had her father’s approval of the marriage. This brief relationship obliges you to be kind. That’s why that cup of coffee was meaningful to Arabs. It is an obligation of kindness. The obligation that prioritizes kindness and forgiveness over the justice of

hurting back. Contractualism is nice when you’re right but horrible otherwise when you misunderstand your rights. In a world of excessive and everchanging laws. Contractualism led us to dehumanization. -I’m sorry it takes a long time to explain! -No, it’s ok, I’m enjoying it. What is the meaning of dehumanization? There is an important rule, the presence of three things in any relationship omits moral restraints. One is bureaucracy. To be assigned to tasks you have no power over. Two is to have small but repetitive tasks. Three is to reduce the people they deal with to numbers. This dehumanization

was how Nazism’s Holocaust was executed. Each had a small task: one registered names, another gave them clothes, and the other assigned the numbers. While someone else was told to get one hundred people in a van, they were reduced to a checklist. I have to get one hundred inside because someone will hold me accountable. Dehumanization means short quick tasks that lack a humane story. Why was he screaming? I don't care. The driver only delivered them as cargo to the assigned location. And they were handed to someone whose task was to push them into the gas chamber.

Al Masiri said that Nazism oppressed people by dehumanization while modernism used it too, but softly. You can see this dehumanization in hospitals. When a patient with a story and pain goes through small and multiple procedures. You pay someone and then wait. Then comes another who calls your name without even looking at you, Abu Omar! The checkup is done by someone else; no one stops and listens to your story. Then a fourth one takes you to the doctor who treats you as a medical record. He mumbles without looking at your eyes and tells you, you have

surgery tomorrow. There’s a backstory of this patient, family, and feelings. He’ll worry about the next case. You’re only a number to him. Is he to blame? No. This is the ugliness of dehumanization. Tomorrow is here, so they dressed me, moved me into a wheelchair, and wrapped a number around my wrist, a number! But I might be in pain, in need of a toilet, hungry, or want to make a call! It doesn't matter. I was moved to bed by other people and was operated on by different ones, and no one listens. None! Every procedure is done

by a different person! You can't say anything! Same with hotels and ride-hailing apps. Contractualism is the way: I get in the car, pay, and tell the driver where to go wearing my headphones. I don’t know who he is, and he doesn't know who I am. Each does his part. No greetings, no thanks, and no humane story. The driver doesn't care if someone got in with me or if I was going somewhere dangerous. I might have a limp, and he knows a good doctor, but it doesn't matter. I will give you five stars when you don't

practice your humanity with me. It is a very strange behavior! This dehumanization led us to competency. Either be competent or get stepped on. Napoleon changed the fact that only nobles can rule by giving everyone access to education. This is a good thing. Now they have equal opportunities, Significant positions weren’t occupied by nepotism anymore, but with competent people. Not only success and money became earned, but also poverty. The poor are now stupid, ignorant, and lazy. No one helps them. It isn’t about competence. Allah AWJ says, “And a believing slave is better than a polytheist, even though

he might please you.” If a minimum of competence is found in the Muslim, accept him. We see more recruitment of non-Muslim domestic workers because they are thought to be more competent. It is not a problem, but you have to keep a value-based system in consideration. Now people strive to increase their competence and gain more skills, which will affect their families. Why have kids in the first place? Family is a burden in the modern work market. People with families have less opportunities for employment. Success and ambition are trickier than unemployment, it is a trap. Some will

delay having kids until they achieve something or have their Ph.D. because they don’t want the burden. Competence caused instability and movement. Moving from one job to another, from one country to another. Abu Omar, stability is prosperity. You can’t create a true relationship without roots. Without roots, you’re just a number. Once, a manager went to pray and found that they had the same employees for two years, so he decided to rotate them and move them because he didn’t like their relationships. Contractualism and dehumanization! Simple bureaucratic procedures that neglected the humane side of the decision. What about

their families and neighbors, their houses and rents and moving out, and the kids’ schools! All of it was neglected only to have fresh blood in the corporation. If they refuse to move, they can take it or leave it. It is just another contract. Legally the manager isn’t mistaken, but humanly he is. When you have a handyperson to fix something in the house and agree on fifty riyals, is it justice to give him the fifty? It is just. That was the agreement. What if you got him lunch or helped him with something? Your friends would criticize

you. If you’re going to pay, don’t bother! Even if he works under the hot sun or carries heavy stuff. In Europe, under contractualism, reification, and dehumanization, a term was coined, People were reduced to things. Don't help the handyperson! He's used to it that he can carry you. When they see a car crash if the injured isn’t Saudi or from the same city or tribe, they’re just things. If there was a fight between people from a different country or ethnicity, it became social media content for laughter, although it is a humane predicament. This is the reification,

to see people as things. In Europe, they were called bug people. It is like when you see ants on the sink, wash them away with a splash, and then move on with your life. Passing by ants for a split second disturbs them for two hours. You may think that bugs can adapt, multiply and accept being crushed. Some people are looked at the same way. Dehumanization, competence, and moving created the other. The dangerous stranger other. Why do they market fear? To sell you home security systems. To make you avoid eating at dangerous small restaurants because health

is a product of my big restaurants. The other should be dangerous for the market’s profitability. All have materialistic motives, even regarding family. Healthy families mean fewer sales. Scattered families are more cars and more TVs. Humans are perceived this way! The last stop on our journey is Planned Obsolescence. After the Wall Street Crash in 1929, the food market rose while the manufacturing industry collapsed. That is due to the short lifespan of food in comparison to goods. So, they manufactured products with expiration dates to increase consumption. To create a cycle of production, consumption, and employment. Then Bernard

London’s “ruin to repair” paper was published. Ruin products to revive factories and factory workers’ families. So, they reduced production quality with consideration to the critical parts’ quality. For example, in cars, engines should be designed with high quality, while fuel injections, decorations, and engine valves are perishable and replaceable. Also, to be spared from the insurance companies' trouble. So, keep them safe but buying! Also, make sure the replacement parts cost as pricey as the original parts. When your printer’s ink cartridge is empty, buying another printer is cheaper than buying another ink cartridge. The cost of repairing a

broken screen is 800. Might as well get a new one for 1200, and so on. Also, opening a product is ruining it. I will fix it, not you, by replacing it. In the past, you could fix the parts to reinstall them, but now they'll be replaced by new ones. No more repairing, just replacing. So, this consumption and replacement became an attitude in relationships. Divorce and remarriage are easier than fixing the current relationship. Annoyed by a friend? Cut him out! See the number of retweets of the tweets that encourage cutting out toxic relationships. In addition to

that, the programmed obsolescence. Now even devices are programmed to go down. Sometimes your barely used printer sends a “change the cartridge” message; it is programmed. Even when you're content with your phone, some app updates won’t be installable anymore, so you must get another one. Some software updates are a trap that ruins your phone to change it. Not affording a new one is irrelevant, just get it! People became programmed to be impatient. Replacing relationships is quicker than repairing them. Now let’s discuss social media. Abu Omar, technology made life easier, but relationships a lot harder. This life

is beautiful for the rich but painful for the ones in need. People without access to the internet suffer, and their lives stop. Life is good for you because you never have to go through that. Life is good for the rightful one because of contractualism. Life is good for the powerful one who is not controlled by someone else. Life is good to those who can consume, but the ones who can't afford it have to deal with the sad looks on their children’s faces. New technology took down barriers between people. I once took a ride; I asked

the captain about the strangest things he had witnessed. He told me that he witnessed a time when the way you look at other drivers may cause you to be pulled over. Now, he parks in front of a strange house of strange people who don't know him. Their daughter takes the ride. Her destination, company, safety, and decency aren't my concern. I drop her off, and that's it. No more barriers! He said that it is a terrifying transition that should be taken into consideration. It didn't only melt barriers, but it also affected building relationships. Making relationships is

fulfilling needs. All relationships are driven by needs; it is a rule. Even our relationship with Allah. Except for his relationship with us, Allah is independent SWT. Needs are the glue of relationships. We can't accuse people of being exploitative while they are only being humans. -All relationships? -All relationships are based on needs. Fulfilling my needs doesn’t necessarily mean you should grab me a cup of coffee, but I might need you to listen to me or enjoy your presence. The more needs you can meet, the more people contact you, which is normal! If you accept this fact,

you won’t hold a grudge when they stop talking to you after you did them a favor. This is the nature of relationships. Even my relationship with my parents changes according to my needs from them. Mothers are more loved because they meet more needs. If the relationship with the mother doesn't fulfill that, the father fills the gap. A friend told me that once his father promised to buy him a car, he had the best week with his father. Their meetings over coffee were enjoyable and full of love. His father was always there, but he just started

to see him, driven by a need. -What are the parents' needs that their kids can fulfill? -Parenthood is part instinctual and part deliberate. Their love is instinctual. In Quran, there are no orders for parents to care and fend for their children, except for inheritances. The orders are for children towards their parents. So, your children’s love for you is conditional to your efforts, not instinctual. Almawardi said the first love children have for their parents is kinship. After being the pride of a role model, this love either becomes earned reverence or earned disobedience. So, it is needs

and kinship at first. But the love of parents for their children is an instinct. Whoever they are, they are loved. Also, a deliberate part. This love is differently distributed between children. An old lady was asked who she loved the most of her children. She said the ill until he’s well, the absent until he’s present, and the young until he’s older. So, they’re all loved, but in different ways under different circumstances. Back to technologies, needs are the glue of relationships. What this has to do with that? It is a simple story. For example, if my sister

needed me, and I helped her, her love for me would deepen; we shared a story. What are relationships if not made of support and truthfulness? Before delivery services, I used to ask my sister or my wife to prepare a feast for my guests, and she will always impress them and make me happy. But now, everyone orders food. The delivery person comes, and we don’t even look at his face. Many dehumanized procedures in ordering food. We used to order food by telephone, and this was the cipher: hello, 2 burgers, no cheese, Abu Bader, half an hour.

No Salam (greetings), or how are you? This was how to call a restaurant. If you greet and talk to the employee, he'd ask you to end the call so he can take other orders. Even in texting on WhatsApp, one message and its reply, and so on. We will discuss social media later, but now, let's stay on the technology of services. So, the delivery person brought the food, and I didn’t look at him or invite him in. I didn’t bother if I was late to pick up my order, and I will review every move he makes

with a star. Nowadays, kids order food and pick up their orders, but no one else knows or shares it with them. When they receive gifts, no one shares their wonder, and their joys are private. Congratulations on their individualistic party! -They only take a picture! -For the people in social media. For the safe virtual world to see. Reality is not safe because there are emotional obligations. In virtuality, you block and replace. It is safe to get into relationships and free to get out of them. Regarding services technology, not exchanging needs, won't get us to accomplish anything.

We're both independent. I asked a 114-year-old man from Az Zulfi his name was Addihesh. He probably died six years ago. I asked him this important question because I thought he had generations-worth of knowledge about it. I said, “uncle, who is the person who identifies as a good person?” Although it is common to expect that past generations are the good ones, he said, "son, everyone nowadays is a good person." I was shocked, and I asked why? I thought he'd rebuke us! He said, “as long as everyone has money, everyone is a good person. I used to

respect and endure my neighbors because they took care of my family when I traveled away." No matter how difficult my neighbor was, I endured him because I needed him. But now, your money is enough for you. It provides you with a car, food, and accommodation. One might visit his brother in another city, but he sleeps in a hotel and eats elsewhere, not to be a burden. Even the brother is relieved from hospitality duties. They meet in a coffee shop, unburdened! Services technologies left no relationship glue. Are these relationships comfortable? Yes, but not safe. Who would

support you and help when you’re in need? Or attend your funeral? Allah AWJ says, “Now we have none to intercede for us, nor a close friend.” That is what people in Jahannam say. Ibn Abbas said, “they just want a friend.” This type of relationship leaves you with no friends to turn to or intercede for you. A friend helps in this life and intercedes in the hereafter. If you lost both benefits, why have friends at all? Now, about social media. It increased consumerism in all aspects of life because that is what it promotes. This consumerism led

us to pile up relationships instead of devotion. To be unfaithful instead of loyal. Relationships are a matter of time, not a matter of love, in which one of both partakers is a passerby. No obligations, everyone is happy, and life goes on. Social media diluted the sense of responsibility. When something horrible happens to anyone in society, sharing a tweet in that regard relieves me from its moral burden. I’ve done my part, but that person didn’t get anything. You sent me a condolence text on WhatsApp! That’s it? You know what! I’m happy with that too. I don’t

want responsibilities as the person in grief, and that’s why the funeral will be in the graveyard. Some ladies now show their newborns through the projector when people visit. People are happy, celebrating, and relieved. Social media connected people in a way that freed them from all responsibilities. Covid accelerated that. What could have happened gradually in ten years happened quickly during the pandemic. Education, medical care, meetings, and podcasts became all virtual. Therefore, I lose social skills in reality and find it emotionally daunting to prepare for meetings. But, virtually, I dress and sit the way I want. Once

there is someone else, I'll have to use the social skills I don't have. So, the social interactions became overwhelming, and I became more virtual. I don't want to be bothered by real social encounters. Then, social media canceled privacy. It labelled everyone isn’t online or active on disclosure platforms as mysterious. Why isn't he posting photos? Why is he private? Even when he proposes to marry, he will be scrutinized on social media, but if he's not online, he's weird. So, mysterious, weird, mentally unwell, creepy, or dangerous. Disclose! Otherwise, you're backward. All of that we inhale and exhale

into our relationships. In the 4th Hijra century, Al Jariri said, “in the 1st century, people treated each other according to religion until it’s softened." He was aware of the train he was on. "In the 2nd century, they treated each other with loyalty until it was gone. In the 3rd century, they treated each other with chivalry until it was gone. Then, in the 4th century, they treated each other with decency until it was gone." The decency is to do the good deed out of courtesy, even though it isn't favorable. He said, “then people treated each other

with fear and desire.” If you’re beneficial to me, I will be to you. In the fourth century, he was able to observe the behavior of his society. I will end this by asking you two questions to clarify the danger of modern relationships, if you may! Answer fast! -One, how many fingers are in two hands? -Ten. -How about in ten hands? -One hundred. -Good job! Wrong answer! -Why? Ten hands have fifty fingers. You said one hundred because your brain calculated based on the last result. It was ten, so multiply it. Quick! Dont think! You’re on a

fast train, and the scenery is faded. Being fast goes against being wise, present, and amazed by the beautiful details of this life. Take a moment and chill! Hectic life is against purifying oneself, humbleness, and peacefulness. Slow down! Know your position in this life and your coordinates on the map of great people. There is a difference between efficiency and productivity. You may be busy all day being productive but produce nothing. The other question, how much do you think the maximum speed of a red car, big-wheeled, and convertible? -300 km/h. -Again, wrong answer! I meant the plow

tractor. It matches the description but moves slower than you thought. You jumped to that conclusion because it’s what you’re familiar with, and our context misled you. The western model with its culture, science, art, and media is powerful, regardless of its appeal. Being under its effect is inevitable. -That doesn’t mean I’m completely against it. -All of this, but you’re not against it? -I’m just describing the waste of civilization. -Ok! This factory is not only producing excellent products, but also waste and pollution. We’re now in the backyard of modern life that affects our relationships. What you described

is very realistic. But how do I handle this contractualistic reality? I might give a stranded person a ride, but he could have been on his way to breaking into a house. I might get in trouble for that. Everyone is contractual! In order to get past this waste, follow this rule. Differentiate between what you do and can control, and what is done to you, which is out of your hands. You treat me contractually, but I treat you with goodwill. -But you might get in trouble! -I might. The wisdom is to figure the situation out. I shouldn’t

be inhumane or contractual all the time. If I hired a handyperson to help me with moving furniture, agreed on fifty, and gave him his fifty. -Is this just? -Yes. -No, it isn’t. -Why? Because there are two types of justice. An absolute justice that is known to Allah SWT only. The person I hired may have thought the furniture won’t be as heavy or that he would move it to the second floor, but it was to the third floor. You’re right to only give him the fifty, “Muslims must abide by their conditions", but it isn’t absolute justice.

So, you give him more than his right to avoid being unjust. For example, 70 riyals instead of 50. Give him the 70 it seeking justice, not seeking favor; treat him with the humbleness of fear of being unjust. This should be in marital and parental relationships. To do favors seeking justice and Allah’s pleasure, not leverage. Allah AWJ says, “on that Day every person will flee from their own siblings, and their mother and father, and their spouse and children.” Why is that arrangement? They are ordered by rights. Siblings have the least rights, then parents, and the spouse

(wife) has more rights than the mother. Your mother has your father to fend for her. While your wife’s security and well-being are your obligations, even if she is wealthy. You will all flee from each other’s rights on the day of judgment. “For then everyone will have enough concern of their own.” I get the contractual point of view, but the law protects you, not helps you. So, I assess every situation. I humanize my day-to-day encounters. I thank the delivery person and invite him in and make a story. As a doctor, I should be helpful to my

patients and give them my number in case they need me. Will I be annoyed? Yes, of course. Humanity is a burden and an obligation. That’s why good manners are the heaviest in our scales on the day of resurrection. Jannah is costly. I should lead myself in relationships and not let dehumanization lead me. Same on contractualism. I once had a memorable moment of awakening. When I had a plumper at home, I told him to do his work and not to worry about his payment. I already prepared him lunch because I love to make a story. He

said, “now you’re being nice, but later we will fight and disagree. So, if we fight and agree now, later things will be good” I was mistaken to think of the situation as more than contractualism. So, you need to assess the situation and figure out the context. Even consumerism isn’t all bad if you figure it out. I was at a restaurant with my son, different generations. After we ate, I only took two tissues, but my son took five because he grew up in this consumerist era. Do I yell at him not to take five? No, because

he can’t; he’s on the train. The difference is I was brought up in an era with less consumerism. When you order food, they serve a lot of bread. Or when you ask for a tissue, a straw, or ketchup, they flood you with what you ordered. As if they hold a vendetta against the owner while they are just too busy to count. So, when I figure this out, I’ll excuse people. If I asked someone to bring me something and they gave it to me with the receipts, I would accuse them of being bad-mannered. While they, contractually

and relatively, think that it’s just the right way things are done, He probably thought that I would stop asking him for help if he gave me what I wanted for free. See! good manners. We see it differently. Seeing is the introduction to awareness. Being aware of perceptions enables you to predict and control the situation. This podcast might help people see, predict and control. To be mindful while dealing with the handyperson or blocking someone and be able to make a conscious decision. To realize in a gathering when everyone is on their phones and remember that relationships

require being mindfully present, not only physically. Prophet Muhammad PBUH was with his companions once, then took off his ring and threw it away. When they asked why he did that, he said, “It distracted me from you today, one look at it and another look at you”. He chose to pay attention to them. When will we put down our phones to look at our mothers and share laughter with them instead of the group chat? This is awareness and mindfulness, and it is your choice. Contractualism can be explained shortly. It’s like a cycle where we see each

other’s actions and copy them repeatedly. It breaks when I consciously interpret your actions and stop being their reactions. And respond reasonably instead. So I don't keep the wrongdoing cycle going. -Who’s to blame if a relationship fell apart, Abu Omar? -The one who made the mistake! -No. -Why? The wiser takes the blame. If my son hit me and I hit him back, I’m the one to blame because I’m wiser, even if it’s his mistake. Mistakes happen in relationships. When I respond with another mistake, I will be the one to blame because I know better. What’s the

point of hearing this podcast if I saw someone stranded and avoided helping him because they might be dangerous? What’s the point of awareness, faith, and good manners? When a man asked Aisha R.A about a matter and then came the second day to ask about another, she told him not to ask too many questions because he will be held accountable by Allah for every mistake he did despite that knowledge. We will be held accountable for this knowledge. If we, the educated and knowledgeable, didn’t apply what we learned about life, how about others? About the burger analogy,

how do I respond in that situation? -Good question, thank you. -You’re welcome. We don’t respond to bad actions with bad reactions. There is a space between actions and reactions called interpretation, which defines the actions. When someone hit me from the back, but I found out he was my uncle, I would greet him and laugh. When I receive a call from an unknown number yelling at me and then find out it was you, I would laugh at your prank. My reaction changed because of my interpretation of your still annoying action. Interpreting these actions in a good

way makes me feel better. Interpreting a loud honk as "rude" would make me angry, but with an excuse, I will be compassionate. Interpreting not answering my calls as you avoiding me would hurt me. Goodwill and understanding interpretation will spare me the pain. It’s all for my own well-being. There are many interpretations, and poorly-mannered will choose their worst. Maybe you didn't pick up my call because you were busy, in a crowded place, unprepared mentally, or actually ignoring me. Why would I skip the four and choose that you ignored me? Because I’m a bad person. About the

burger. Good interpretation. This person might actually think that he’s being hospitable. Or that he’s comfortable around me. Or he knows that it doesn't matter what he served me because his love for me is more than these trivial matters. I wrote a tweet that caused me to be somewhat attacked. I invited someone famous once. I asked my wife to prepare homemade food, and she insisted that we must serve him what fits his status. But I told her not to worry because he’s wise and above such trivial matters. I wrote this tweet: the wiser my guest, the

lesser I served him. If someone could interpret this simplicity wrong, I would serve him more. If we’re here to study or research, it would be inappropriate to serve him a lamb. I trust his wisdom and apologies to him. If he already served me lavishly, I would reward that by doing the same. So, it differs according to the situation. Relationships with acquaintances are based on mutual respect and reciprocation. I do to you what you do to me. -Even if they insult me? -Yes, you insult them back, “The reward of an evil deed is its equivalent.” This

is how the verse was interpreted. Islam is not a religion of weakness but a religion of honor. Yet, it encourages us to be the better people. “But whoever pardons and seeks reconciliation, then their reward is with Allah" -Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself. -Excellent! So, reciprocation for acquaintances? Relationships with acquaintances are mathematical equations. But friendships are a chemical equation, you never know its product. Define friendships. Who is the friend? We’ll get there, inshallah. Ibn Al Muqafa said something that explains the relationship arrangement, “Your blood and money are for your friend." Ibn Al Jawzi

said, “friendship is a legend. Most people are mere acquaintances” Superficial relationships. Ibn Al Muqafa said, “Your blood and money are for your friend. Your ride and presence are for your acquaintance. Your justice is for your enemy. Your smile is for everyone else. But your faith and honor for no one.” This arrangement is awareness because it arranges their rights and your obligations twoards them. What are these rights? So simple. Someone asked me once whether I ever cut out any relationship. I told him no, I never blocked anyone. -Which is ok? -It is ok to block, but

I hold myself accountable. Rude people test your values, and they teach you. When someone wants to drag you down to their level, don’t go with them. A bad person, part from you and everyone who hears us, is like a pig that will smudge you with its mud if you obey it. You’d get dirty, but the pig is enjoying itself. You can’t beat it in its environment, so don’t go there, but stay patient. So how to cut out people if I can’t block them? Relationships need compatibility at first, but in the end, you need good manners.

“Retain with honor or separate with grace”. Grace is better than honor. End relationships gracefully. They'll regret losing you. Parting isn’t wrong, it happens. Musa had an agreement with Al Khidr, but it didn’t work out, so they separated. Make them regret losing you by being the better person. Why give them the luxury of hating you? Personally, I do my best not to disagree with anyone. What I do is lower their rank. Sometimes, Abu Omar, I only change their name on my phone. -Like? -For example, if your name was “The Dear Abdulrahman Abumalih”. I would only take

down “The Dear” part, and feel victorious. Prophet Muhammad PBUH said to Aisha, “I can well discern when you are pleased with me and when you are annoyed with me.” This is the situational awareness of relationships. She doesn’t need to yell or slam the door. She asked him how do you discern? He said, “When you are pleased with me you say;" No, by the Lord of Muhammad," and when you are annoyed with me, you say:" No, by the Lord of Ibrahim." She said: “Allah's Messenger, by Allah, I in fact leave your name” So, I change the

name of the person I’m in a disagreement with, even my wife. I call her Um/mother of (someone) to remember the glue of our relationship. To remind myself that she’s the mother of my children, so I should respect her. I change her name according to my feelings toward her. Sometimes you only need to lower their rank and change their arrangement. By not responding immediately and giving fewer sacrifices and excuses. These privileges change according to their rank. My response to my father's call and my behavior toward him is different from dealing with anyone else. But if I

gave these privileges equally to everyone, it is my fault. Misprioritization of relationships happens. For example, when you've already planned to go somewhere with your family but run into an acquaintance on your way, You should prioritize your family over him. Otherwise, prioritizing the conversation with him to maintain your image is unfair; it is an undue right. It is a lack of relationship awareness. So, this ranking or arrangement is determined by your response. To finalize the rearrangement topic. When I'm annoyed by someone, I don't immediately respond to their needs. I don’t take their calls, reduce the time

spent with them, and become less thoughtful about them. Also, I don’t pray for them. Not praying for someone is my revenge; it is a harsh response that makes me feel way better. This was the relationship arrangement. Now, we'll discuss their classifications, which are five types. The living relationship. It is nurtured by commitment, obligations, kindness, justice, and forgiveness. If you and the audience may, start classifying them along with me. In addition to the living relationship, there is the sick relationship, which is mainly about avoiding blame. To meet someone’s needs to avoid them getting upset with me.

If you wanted to keep the sick relationship, it would need vitamins to become healthier -What are those vitamins? -We’ll get there. Three, the sickening relationships. To be demanded to give more than what you receive, and you would be blamed for not giving too much. For example, we went to dine together, but Ayman got upset because we didn’t invite him. He demands me a non-existing obligation towards him, which is sickening. Four, the dead relationships. No demands or obligations. By the way., it is common It’s called the tree relationship. They exist peacefully without love and need for

affection. Like the still tree or people in comas, may Allah grant them recovery. Each spouse is independent, occupied by their career, and unobligated to the other, while their children have their own life. It all goes peacefully without any conflicts. It’s like living in a rental house that you expect to leave it anyway, so you don’t bother yourself by fixing it. No rights provided, obligations met, or conflicts. This is not life! Allah says, “so that you may find comfort in them”, not in barely co-existing with them. There is no comfort or peace in a man's life

that lacks a wife. Otherwise, he'd be ever anxious. Neither a mother nor a sister can fill this role, but only a wife can. Ibn Abbas said, “Adam in heaven felt lonely”. In heaven! But was lonely because having relationships is crucial. “So, Allah created Hawa from his ribs while he was asleep to give him comfort.” Humans find comfort in intimacy and having a companion, a wife. She is who Allah says about, “And he has placed between you compassion and mercy”. Otherwise, how will a stranger from a different background become this close quickly that I feel comfortable

being indecent with? Only Allah SWT puts this love between them until that stranger man becomes more comforting than her father, and that stranger woman becomes his most beloved. So, this peace will never be possible if it was sought in another relationship but marriage. Wallah (I swear by Allah) that any relationship that doesn't please Allah won't end up pleasing you. A relationship with a foreign woman you claim you’re happy with won’t end well. Ask whoever has been there. It’s going to be a dead relationship that will ruin your life and fail you in the hereafter. There

is now, Abu Omar, a new relationship that doesn’t belong to human nature. A friendship between a man and a woman that ends when one of them expresses their love. My friend who I complain to about my girlfriend or wife, while she complains to me about her boyfriend or husband. It ends with the declaration of love because that wasn’t the agreement! What a weird relationship! Not every available is attainable. The relationship mustn’t be unlawful or unnatural. It isn't your right to pick any flower you like. Attraction is not enough reason. Allah SWT says, “Tell the believing

men to lower their gaze” and “tell the believing women to lower their gaze”. What is the relationship that lacks this gaze? In dealing with the opposite gender, women are commanded not to speak femininely. And only talk within the context, “but speak with appropriate speech.” Do not put on perfume or show your beauty, and never be alone together. So, neither the shared place, indecent appearance, nor conversations are allowed. In addition to the fact that women are men's ultimate seduction. So how will a relationship be lawful and normal while it skips these regulations and doesn’t abide by

these orders? So, this was the dead relationship, which is bad no matter who it was with. I will finalize this part by the Prophet's hadith. It is about the three friends who were blocked in a cave. The first one asked Allah by his good deeds, so it opened a little. The second one did the same, and it opened a little more. The third one did the same, and they were free of the cave. I always think that if one of them was sinful, they could have stayed blocked. Friends can take you to heaven or hellfire,

so pick your companion in the hereafter. This was the overall explanation. -I want to ask you about a few points you’ve made. -Go ahead! -Let’s start from the end. -Let’s not forget about the attachment that is so-called love. Ok! Ayman, please remind me. We’re talking about a changing society where men and women share all spaces, whether in workplaces or public places. So, what is the definition of a healthy relationship between men and women under these conditions? -This is why you are unique, Abu Omar! What a good question! -Thank you. Being in contact with someone is

different from being in a relationship. It is temporary, restricted, and purposeful. A relationship, on the other hand, is a repetitive versatile communication. In workplaces, communication with clients is different from communication with colleagues. When you take this repetitive communication with a colleague out of its context to diversify it, like meeting outside the workplace, it becomes a relationship. So, being in contact with the opposite gender is different from being in a relationship. In the case of a relationship, it’s simple. If there was any attraction, ask for her hand in marriage. Communication between genders has two rules, “do

not be overly complaisant in speech” and “speak in a straightforward manner.” Allah told us how to speak and what to speak about. The "how" is to speak in a moderate tone. The “what” is not to talk about other matters that are unrelated to work, such as complimenting someone’s watch or perfume. This isn't a straightforward manner. These small talks and hints lead to a relationship eventually. Relationships are like riding a bicycle. You need to have a little quiver at first to be able to ride straight. If you slowed down at this quiver stage, you’d fall. So,

slowing down and being inconsistent won’t create relationships. But the opposite happens when you straighten the bicycle by complimenting a watch or a perfume or grabbing them coffee. I’m not judging, but this is how relationships start. Each knows themselves and Allah’s commands to them. Controlling this quiver is how relationships start in all gender contexts. When you ride this bicycle and become close to falling, it will be the only thing you remember of that ride. So, If you fell, there would be no relationship, but otherwise, it would only get stronger. Recovering from that fall, either by reconciliation,

forgiveness, or giving help, strengthens the relationship. This should be kept in mind to be able to discern relationships from communication and whether it is consistent or not. And differentiate between regular and deep relationships. A regular relationship is bound to a specific time and place and in a repetitive manner, such as in the workplace. Same place, same people from 8 am to 2 pm. This relationship is like a fish that dies when it’s out of the sea, its context. When I take a vacation, no one asks about me, and when I return, no one has missed

me. No obligation after work hours and outside the office. -These are the regular relationships! -Yes. Being aware of that relieves you from blaming your colleagues for not asking about you while you were away. No obligations! When I was a teacher in Shagra in 1999, we bonded as colleagues, and I truly loved them. When I was transferred to another city, I promised to visit them later and never forget them. An old man, Abu Hussain, was looking at a scene he witnessed dozens of times. He said, “the last thing we’ll see from you is your car’s taillights

while you're leaving” I said, "No, not me who forgets his colleagues!" He turned out right. I've been thinking of visiting them every year for 24 years now, but I never went back. That is not because I’m a bad person or they don’t deserve it, but it is the nature of regular relationships. When you take the regular relationship out of context, it becomes a different relationship. He’s a friend now, not a colleague. For example, brothers in law, they only meet occasionally in their wives’ family home. No strong relationships! But there will be two of them who

took their relationship outside that context, so it deepened. Because they broke the regularity of the relationship: every Friday, at my uncle's house. Meeting on Monday strengthens and expands the relationship. Also, there are the old relationships. Like if we used to live in the same neighborhood years ago, then we meet in a grocery store and greet each other. In old relationships, there’s a strategy you need to be aware of. If you want to kill the relationship, greet them coldly. It dies immediately. Abu Omar, you must keep in mind that you have a choice in relationships. It

might be too much for me to have a new relationship and deal with all its obligations. -Is it ok to do so? -Yes, it is your choice. You'll have to make a microsecond decision about whether you want this relationship or not. Being politely cold kills it. If you show excitement, it will be revived. Your choice. Showing excitement in old relationships immediately breaks the ice. They’d call you by your childhood nickname and make fun of you. If your son, who sees you as a cool guy, was with you, he might be surprised by your past. Also,

there are the permanent and temporary relationships. My relationship with you is temporary. We share a specific purpose that we fulfill and move on. No obligations. With the person next to me on the train or in my dentist's waiting room. Temporary relationships are based on respect. On the other hand, permanent relationships don't change, even when your feelings change. Your uncle will still be your uncle whether you love him or not. -What about the wife? Permanent or temporary! -It depends. Wife is a permanent relationship because she’s the mother of your children. If you don’t have children, you

are her mother’s son-in-law, and there are obligations. I explained that so you know who to prioritize. You prioritize your cousin over someone you share a temporary relationship with. Temporary relationships are replaceable, but your cousin is not. Temporary relationships have no relational network, but permanent one has. A significant question you indicated is: should we have a lot of relationships or not? In Dunbar’s Number that Malcolm Gladwell addressed in the introduction of his book, he said that every person has a sympathy group. It is crucial for your well-being and goes up to 12 people. Only 12 you

can give them enough care and attention. The longer the group gets, the less obligated you'd be and more likely to burn out. Two, he said that every five relationships create ten connections, a network. You and I don't share a relationship network, but with our close friends, we do. This network gets affected by this relationship. My son once told me that he was upset because he had a conflict with his mother, which made her sad. I told him to apologize to her and asked his mother to go easy on him so they can agree, and it

went well. He thanked me, and that was it for him. But I asked him to apologize to me for hurting my wife. He was shocked, and I insisted on the apology. He apologized to me and apologized to his siblings for hurting their mother. This is the relationship network in which all connections benefit or hurt from a relationship. Relationships are responsibilities. Amr Ibn Al-As said, “the more brothers you have, the more enemies you have”. When you are obligated to everyone, you won't be able to meet the rights of anyone. Too many relationships are a burden, but

a warm and close few are a blessing. According to Dunbar, the maximum number of relationships you can have is almost 190. How many numbers do you have on your phone? Two or three thousand! When you are in need, how many can you call? A few. Too many relationships are quicksand, beneath which are your marginalized true friends. Some people treat their friends like a dictionary. They are only opened in need of meaning and will put back collecting dust. If you were treated that way, accept it anyway, but don’t do it to others yourself. About Dunbar’s Number,

the maximum number of relationships was reduced to 151. Relationships aside, about the family, the minimum relationship limit of a nuclear family is 8. Husband to wife, father to daughter, father to son, mother to daughter, mother to son, brother to brother, and sister to sister. 8 relationships. Adding the grandfather and uncle as the extended family, the minimum becomes 32 relationships. With one paternal uncle and one maternal uncle, the minimum is 32. Adding my uncle’s grandchild, my cousin and her husband, and his sister and her husband, as the complex family, the maximum becomes 151. So, the minimum

sum of the relationships I'm obligated to is 191. Why would I burden myself with more relationships? That's why there is so much blame in so many relationships. Everyone is busy but still blaming others. The wisdom is to take the blame but not give it back. [to the cameraman] Sorry, you can’t sit down! [the cameraman] Don’t worry! I’m having fun. How are you? Are you in love? How to set boundaries in relationships? How to keep regular relationships where they should be? Lower its ranking. Less time spent with them and fewer responses, and so on. When they

call three times, answer once. And make it a worthy one because they might be upset. This won’t let these relationships thrive but won't make them enemies Speaking of enemies, they should be welcome! Expect nemesis while making relationships and embrace them because everyone has them. Allah SWT says, “We made enemies for every prophet from among the wicked” Prophets with good manners and great characters had enemies. Allah says about the prophet Musa, “And I blessed you with lovability from Me” Everyone who laid eyes on him loved him, even the Pharaoh. He only hated Musa when he declared

his principles. A person without enemies is a person without principles; it is a rule, Abu Omar! Otherwise, you'd be complying with everyone. You shouldn’t lose your principles to please everyone because that is impossible. But you don't intentionally make enemies because the more enemies you have, the less space on earth you can enjoy. They would be everywhere but your house. If you made enemies with the grocery store’s salesman, you’d have to drive further to another grocery store, and so on. If the prison is empty, the guardian would be free. He’s there with them but on the

other side of the bars. Release all your grudges so you won’t be their prisoner. Some people are limited by a checklist of enemies they can’t join any event they’re in. Grudges are like poison, when it's out, it kills them, and when it is in, it kills you. So, take it easy. Last point.. sorry it took me so long. Another important rule about relationships: the more intense relationship is, the shorter it lasts. And when it evolves into an attachment, it ends quickly. -How so? -So, simple. It’s like manual gear. When it’s on fifth speed, the car

moves smoothly. But on the first speed! It doesn’t. Anxious attachment is a roaring engine, it burns. Love is sweet and refreshing, but the attachment is a withering torment. It is a mental issue. When Ibn Abbas saw someone who was infatuated and looked sick, he prayed through the whole Day of Arafat “I seek refuge in Allah from infatuation”. It is a dysfunction in a relationship. What are the signs of attachment or infatuation? One, do I sacrifice because I love you, or to make you love me? A huge difference! Two, there are three indicators that you have

attachment issues 1. Thinking of them in their absence. 2. Focusing on them in their presence. 3. Being possessive of them. Having these three is a sign that you have issues. If you’re not around, I’d be texting you, “I wish you were here”. My life will revolve around you when you’re with me. And I'll hinder you from interacting with anyone but me. I become so annoyed because he gets too close that I push him away and reject him. So, when I can't push him away, I avoid him. I’d be cyberly paralyzed and turn off my phone

and ask people not to tell him my whereabouts. He would be possessive of me and stalks me, and harasses my family. Why do you do this to yourself? I heard many heartbreaking stories and read dozens of comments from people who struggle with attachment issues. Ibn Al Qayyim said, “Whoever is attached to something, it becomes his agony” There are two types of unhealthy attachments, It could be mutual, representing the letter A. Also, a letter T attachment style. When one goes, the other falls. All unhealthy attachments turn into animosities. -All of them? -Yes. There are a few

exceptions that were granted Allah’s blessing. Friendships could become attachments, but attachments never become friendships. It always ends horribly and vindictively. Why is that? When we shake hands and withdraw them naturally, we will stand straight. But when I grab your hands and lean back, I will be attached to you. -What will happen if you let me go? -You’d fall. I’d fall, and who caused it? You! I hate you! You hurt me and destroyed me, so I hate you! But you didn’t do anything. You only practiced your right to have relationships. There is a mental village of

infatuation where I put you on a platform to worship you. To praise you and show off of you. And there is an altar where I offer sacrifices to please you. A platform, an altar, and a hospital. The hospital where I complain to you about you. They either whine about the past or worry about the future, never in the present moment. And there’s the tower where they watch you and stalk you. --This is not a relationship; it is an illness. -Does it happen between married couples? -Yes, it could be more intense, but it should not be

so. -Wow! One of the sisters was severely attached to her husband, which hindered her life. I wrote her a comment, “your husband’s life is a book in which you are a page, but your life is a book titled: My Husband” It’s a mistake. The human being plays several roles. To be a servant of Allah, a son, a father, a husband, a friend, a neighbor, a citizen, and an employee. All these roles cannot be reduced to one. The attached person is like a raging bull. It smashes everything in its way to the redness of its loved

one. Looking back, he finds his family, friendships, and interests all ruined. I want us to go back to discuss the relationship between the two genders. If a person is attracted to his coworker and wants to marry her. but he wants to get to know her before making it official. How to navigate that? It’s happening, and we see it in Saudi. Honestly, people say that marriage used to be like buying a watermelon; your mother picks the girl. But this watermelon produced the person who is asking. It was the way the norm. But we should not turn

to one extreme from another. Must I have an unofficial relationship with a lady for a long time to figure her out? You just need one sip or sniff of the juice jug to know if it’s mango or orange juice. So, no need for exaggeration in getting to know her. How these relationships start is the question. It starts with the first impression, which leads to one of three decisions. Either keep it, cut it out, or make it superficial. Making it superficial is to keep it to greetings only, such as in the workplace or neighborhood. Or to

cut it out and nip the chance of a relationship in the bud. Or to keep if the person seemed nice. The decision to keep it leads me to be attracted to and interested in someone that I engage with them often. Then the bait stage, to know whether you are just being polite or actually into me. It could be a gift to help me understand your feelings toward me through your reaction. These maneuvers could be detected and nipped in the bud if you don’t want this relationship to go further. In case there was a mutual attraction,

and this relationship kept growing, you should stop here and decide. If you love her, don’t hurt her with uncertainties. If you don’t, at least love yourself, be a man and stop it. Seek a lawful, healthy, and safe way to get to know her. I wouldn't steal something I liked to have a taste of it, but I ask for it instead. So, I find a straightforward way to know her. Please notice that messing up a relationship with a coworker ruins your entire job. The quality of your performance depends on the quality of your emotions. Your emotions

depend on the quality of your relationships. For example, when Musa said, “my heart will be broken and my tongue will be tied”. His emotions inhibited his tongue, which is his performance quality. When your emotions are unstable at work because of a relationship that didn’t work out, your and the other person’s performance will be affected. This will cause instability in the workplace and a failure to meet the purpose of teaming in this place. So, to avoid the suspense phase, send someone to inquire about its potential. After the attraction stage starts the stage of exploring and getting

to know each other. Man to man, direct communication. But man to woman, lawfully, there should be a mediator. I talk directly to you, ask you about yourself, and find our common interests. The exploration stage leads to three decisions. Making it superficial, cutting it out, or keeping it. The decision to keep the relationship in this stage is more mature than the previous one. It is true love and attraction, unlike the infatuation in the beginning. Relationships have three stages, infatuation, realization, and decision-making. The attachment issue comes from lingering at the first stage. It’s a blind relationship in

which you don’t know who they really are. Attachment starts blindly but ends with the keen eyes of a hawk. And sees all your flaws and mistakes. It’s not love. The attached person stays at the first, but the wise one knows that it is an introduction to the second stage. Otherwise, why would I move to the next stage if I didn't love you? As I mentioned before, the second one is about exploration. If the second stage took a long time, the decision would be not to keep the relationship mostly. Why? Because I thought that was their

real face, but it turned out to be a mask. In this stage, people put down their masks. I wear a mask now, and you do too, and we all wear a mask for each situation. Carl Jung said that we have as many personas as the people we know. After taking off masks, I wouldn't want to keep you in my life because I've seen your truth. But if I was a husband at this stage, I would want to accept you and come to terms with the fact that no one is perfect. When this revelation stage takes

too long while I'm constantly judgmental, I will reject this relationship eventually. So, commitment builds patience and acceptance. To commit as partners in a project or to be married with children. This patience and commitment create a stable relationship. It’s like a mountain with two rivers running from opposite sides. Different upbringings, backgrounds, and personalities of the husband and wife. These rivers splash with disagreements upon meeting in marriage, but then they harmoniously become one calm river. Some people quit at the splash point. This disagreement may be as small as one likes the room cold but the other doesn't,

or as fundamental as the difference in beliefs. This splash could be lessened by asking the right question in the beginning. Not the superficial questions, such as her favorite color, which all will be answered with lies. The prophet PBUH ordered women to be in their daily and usual appearance in the pre-wedding meeting, so no one is deceived by the other. The suitor might claim that he’s a loyal and devoted family man while he doesn’t stay at home. The lady might claim she’s a good cook that her hands are covered by burns scars while she can't fry

an egg. This deception will definitely create a problem, so ask the right questions. -What are the right questions about? -Perception of the opposite gender, their dreams, ambitions, and friendships. This tells me which kind of a person he is and whether he is superficial. It’s good to keep three "hears" in mind. To hear from him, hear about him, and make him hear. Not only hear about him but also hear from him. Don't take his word nor discredit it. And I make him hear what I think about myself. To ask about their relationship with Allah, their work

and commitment, sense of responsibility, and financial behaviors. Prophet Muhammad PBUH said, “Stinginess is the disease of all diseases” Ask about how he manages his anger and what is his idea of stability. Sometimes you need to check the suitor’s CV to see his employment pattern. Whether he tends to be stable or changes his job frequently. Bauman found out that boredom in marriages used to start after 7 years. But with all of what we've discussed, boredom starts after 18 months nowadays. This boredom is applied to jobs as well. So, if this man tends to be bored, it

indicates a low sense of responsibility and patience which are much needed in marriage. These were some examples of the right questions. Excellent! Marriage aside, I want us to discuss relationships a little more. You mentioned the sick relationship. How to fix it? There are vitamins to heal them. First, the responsibility vitamin. Are you going to be responsible for this sick relationship? If yes, don’t expect that the other person would do too. So, you need to be patient and endure its pain. Prophet Muhammad PBUH said, “maintain connection with whom they cut you off” People can, generously or

reciprocally, maintain relationships or fall short of meeting their rights. The latter is who I try to maintain relationships with but meet negligence. And the reciprocating type is when we exchange equal gestures. The best one is the generous one who will maintain relationships even if met with negligence. In sick relationships, you have to be responsible and generous. There are different levels of dealing with it. I will go over the vitamins, but before, I want to explain these levels. The lesser manner: to meet someone’s generosity to me badly. The reciprocating manner: when you’re good to me I’ll

be good to you, and when you’re mean to me, I’ll be mean to you. The kind manner: even if you’re mean to me, I’ll be good to you. Or to treat you the way I want to be treated, which is a higher level. The better level is to treat people the way Allah wants and prefers, with forgiveness and generosity. But the best one is to treat people the way I want Allah to treat me. You want Allah to forgive you, bless you, and protect you. With this mindset, you can choose which approach to take in

this sick relationship. Cooperation is one of the vitamins that make relationships healthier. Cooperation is to initiate kindness and care without them asking. To be sincere in advising them and patient with their criticism and blame. We mentioned that sick relationships are only about avoiding blame, so keep that in mind and deal with accusing you of not fulfilling their needs. But, after all, are you obligated to be so? It depends on whether it was a permanent or temporary relationship. And ask yourself if you are the reason this relationship is sick to know if you can fix it.

Dealing with this sick relationship requires a lot of considerations, but most importantly, taking responsibility. -How about the dead relationship? -Cut it off completely and avoid contact. About attachment relationships, get rid of all their gifts and whatever reminds you of them. Abu Omar, relationships are memories, habits, and reminders. Reminders could be gifts, places, songs, or even perfumes. Get rid of it all if you want to heal from that attachment. This is for anyone who wants to get rid of an attachment. Abandon whatever revives this relationship. Avoiding memories and contact, such as texting them to know their

whereabouts helps heal attachment. When you do that, you'll notice that they crave attention, which is strange! It’s like a shadow that gets further when you chase it, and gets closer when you run away from it. This is the point where many people who want to heal from attachment relapse. His friend who used to answer one call out of five is now calling and reaching out! The attachment will get worse. The obsession becomes extreme, and the hurt will be too. The avoidant person sets the attached one’s heart on fire and enjoys the warmth. It’s like a

minefield where every explosion deeper in makes you more terrified of going back. They go too far that they lose their Dunya, hereafter, and money. I heard many stories; their lives revolve around their beloved ones until they’re met with rejection and left with no life. A successful relationship is between equals, and it moves like a swing. Attachment is a stiff relationship in which you throw yourself down in pain, blame, and hate them. Let the relationship breathes and balance. This is how to deal with the dead relationship, leave everything related to it in the past, and be

determined to move on. These are a few helpful ways to deal with dead relationships. Dead relationships lead to associating the place with status. You see this in gatherings where you are seated according to your status. A status defines the place and vice versa. So, we have the social number rule. Everyone has a social number that changes with places. A person could be a number one somewhere, and he must accept that he might be a ten elsewhere. You are a doctor in university, a number one, but in your family home, you’re number changes according to your

siblings. People are celebrated when they're number one, but that is not the case in all social situations. Coming here today and being welcomed and celebrated by you and your team, may Allah reward you well, is an example. But when I go home, Um Bader will ask why I didn’t get eggs. Eggs? I get eggs? Is this my status? Yes, it is. Because I’m a husband there, a partner in responsibilities. This acceptance and awareness make dealing with many situations in life much easier. For a mathematician in university, one plus one equals two, but in his house,

one plus one equals what his father decides. I was with my mother as the relationship coach Yasser once, and I started to advise her on how to deal with my brother using theories. She said, “When I gave birth to you, I put you in a tissue box. So small. Now you talk down to me?” Know your number! I respect that important director whose number is one in a corporate meeting. The meeting started, and the drinks were served when he showed up, even though he was not the oldest. But with the same group in a different

setting, The armrest is put to the older person, and the first cup of coffee is served to someone else. He knows that in this context, he’s no longer number one, and that a different place changed his status. I respect such a person. My driver could be number ten to me, but if he wanted to take a photo to send to his children, I must show them that their father is number one. Angels are numbered, and each sky has its angels. As well as prophets, “We have favored some over others". Also, the Prophet’s companions were numbered.

Umar R.A gave up on number one saying, “Wallah I won’t compete with you after today, Abu Bakr”. Humankind as well, “and raised some of them in rank above others" Maturity is accepting these different numbers. Al Jahiz said, “Avoid the middle of the meeting place because it rotates, if you had it now, you will be removed when a person with higher status enters” So, it is wise to avoid that seating even if you thought your number is one, sit on the sides. These numbers are distributed according to several factors. Religious authority. There might be a doctor

and a major general in the place, but when it’s prayer time, a young Hafiz is the Imam who leads in prayer. Also, academic authority, and the social authority that is obtained through money, fame, or old age. The rich, the famous, and the older have social authority. Their social authority determines their numbers. There might be a humane authority of an ill or distressed person or at a funeral. Their number changes according to their situation. Awareness is so beautiful; it helps you organize people. There is the skill authority. The one who knows the road or is skilled

in mechanics is number one. Or the dentist who opens a major general’s mouth, “left your tongue and lower it” he’s number one. The most powerful authority is the moral authority. The man who came to prophet Muhammad shaking out of respect and he said to him, “Be calm, for I am not a king. I am only the son of a woman who ate dried meat.” Moral authority is the one that lasts because there will always be the more famous, rich, and educated. Humane authority is merely sympathy, and religious authority is in specific situations. But to be

always a person with good manners, kindness, and generosity is an authority that maintains your status even in your absence. -I’m sorry, I took too long. -Thank you very much, and may Allah grant you wellness. Thank you all. [Credits] This is Finjan, a product of thmanyah. We publish with love from Riyadh. Until next week! -Thank you for your efforts! -Thank you for being here, you honored us! I didn't think it was going to be this beautiful, thanks to you! He intimidated me, saying that the interview should go a specific way. He said later "whatever he wants

to say". Don't even say your name! He's the number one authority! Sorry for all! May Allah make you of benefit.