how to MASTER your emotions | emotional intelligence

the difference between misery and joy is the control you have over your emotions and it's a skill that most people lack the most powerful lesson you can learn is how to master your feelings and the sooner you do it the better relationships success and peace you'll have so let's learn how to do it in this video we're going to be learning all about how you master your emotions improve your emotional intelligence and control your feelings so that you can level up in life and as always this video will be structured but before we jump right

into it I wanted to mention that today's video has been brought to you by epidemic sound now I get a ton of messages asking how I edit my YouTube videos and epidemic sound has had a huge role in the quality of the content that I put out if you're a YouTuber you're trying to get into it then you know the struggle of trying to put music into your content to level it up and add the right Vibes but it always gets copyrighted or taken down then you try and search royalty-free music on YouTube and it's

the worst music you've ever heard let's be real and this is where epidemic sound saved me when I was editing videos a few months back they have an enormous library of music and sound effects that is perfect for every Creator to use it's a fully copyright free royalty-free perfect to use on all social media platforms even podcasting just the range of sound effects they have on their platform will instantly elevate your content whether you're into comedy whether you do advice videos like me whether you're more into Vlog content and so the quickest way that I

make my videos engaging and instantly hook my viewers attention is by using Zoom effects and pairing it with sound effects and music at the start and and sometimes in the middle of my videos as you guys see all the time so if you want one less thing to stress about when creating content online then you can sign up to have a free 30-day trial with epidemic Sound Chapter One understanding emotional intelligence because you can't master it until you fully know what it means to have it so what is emotional intelligence well the basic definition is

the ability to understand and manage your own emotions as well as recognize and influence the emotions of those around you and this is the perfect time for a disclaimer a lot of people get it twisted and feel bad when they have negative emotions or feel like they have to get rid of it it is completely normal in fact you should be grateful as a human being to be able to experience the full spectrum of emotions the lessons it teaches you the experiences it gives you how you grow from it how you learn to deal with

it it is completely okay and natural to get upset and angry and even jealous sometimes so emotional intelligence isn't about erasing these emotions but instead learning how to manage them when they arise and managing the effect that it has on you and your life so let's go through the characteristics of a person with high emotional intelligence they do not criticize they do not judge they don't monopolize a conversation and spend the entire time talking about themselves they don't try to minimize themselves and engage in victim mentality they are open-minded they always want to learn and

they're flexible in their opinions they're not too stubborn they forgive others and themselves they communicate they don't engage in silent treatment or resorting to being passive aggressive they are self-aware they are responsible and they hold themselves accountable when they know that they too can mess up they only work on what they put out rather than constantly focusing on everyone else's actions how everyone else is messing up and making mistakes and hurting them they are empathetic and compassionate and finally they focus on healthy venting as opposed to emotional dumping this looks like venting to someone about

how you feel maybe about a difficult situation maybe someone hurt you but not judging and criticizing the other person not talking about this to get the other person to feel sorry for you but instead working together to find the solution to that problem not using this as an opportunity to gossip or make that person out to be a villain whereas emotional dumping is a lot about victim mentality saying that your life is so hard everyone else is up to get you we're not doing that and so to finish off this first chapter and help you

fully understand we're going to bring back our girls Lola and Athena to fully show you what the difference between these two people look like Lola has low emotional intelligence so she's says things like I know right she does it all the time I swear to God it's like she actually enjoys trying to get on my nerves like she just wakes up every day and wants to be annoying like what's her problem oh my God it was just a joke why are you so offended don't be so sensitive um no I'm not wrong don't turn this

on me okay I'm the one who's hurt here I'm the one that's calling you out on your behavior how dare you try and make this about me all of a sudden it's all your fault and you're the one who needs to change not me no listen guys I want to go over there and do that activity at this time no come on it will be fun just change your schedule because I really want to do this right now ish well as Athena has high emotional intelligence so she sounds a lot like everything is really overwhelming

me at the moment I just need to take a break to just sit with it and I'll be back when I'm ready oh my God I'm so sorry I didn't mean to offend you no I would never want to hurt you I clearly just I didn't think about how that would have come across but I totally get it and I won't make that mistake again okay yeah I get what you're saying and that is my fault I should have communicated that differently but you did hurt me when you said that yesterday so I'd appreciate if

you didn't move that comment again okay guys there's that activity that I really wanted to do can we see what time suits everybody's schedules and then we can plan accordingly you see the difference people with high emotional intelligence are a lot Kinder more empathetic and compassionate they take other people's feelings and thoughts into consideration it's not all about them whereas people with low emotional intelligence are more selfish because they're constantly thinking about themselves rather than how their actions actually impacts everybody else around them people with low emotional intelligence tend to have a victim mindset and

they have an external locus and of control and this means that they think everything happens to them and they don't actually have much control over what happens in their life which is what constantly makes them think that their life is so hard and that everything revolves around them and everyone is up to get them people with high emotional intelligence like Athena understand that difficult things happen people will get on her nerves she'll be upset she might get angry and lash out but ultimately she's doing the best she can to lower that take a step back

Journal about her emotions so that she can manage the reaction she gives to other people chapter 2 mastering your emotions in Social settings this chapter is all about learning empathy learning how to control your reactions and how you treat everybody in your Social Circle the first step is to stop taking everything personally this is really going to help you if you're dealing with haters bullies people who just trying to give you a hard time the sooner that you realize everyone is just projecting and everything they say or do is actually a reflection of what's going

inside them and what's going on in their lives the sooner that you will have peace in your life like happy people don't hurt people so now at least you can stop being hurt because you know it's all about them it does not define you your worth or what you deserve instead now you start pitying that person because imagine being that miserable with your life that you want to project all your insecurities and be jealous and make sure the ass comments to other people I would never want to do that I love me I'm confident I

love my life I'm happy and fulfilled so that's just sad and you can say what you want about me and I'm never gonna get angry because honey you clearly already have so much pain in your life I won't bother you by adding to that emotionally intelligent people do not let others ruin their day no one teaches us that we actually have the power and control over these things it's so normalized to be like if someone says something to you of course you're going to be upset and blah blah blah blah why do you have to

be upset you can choose how you want to respond to it and how you want to feel about it if you constantly feed this narrative to yourself where you're like if my mom nags me one more time today it's gonna ruin my day if that happens to me one more time I'm gonna be so upset if my co-worker app said that again I'm gonna flip out and therefore you end up having a rubbish day because that's what you keep feeding to yourself unplanned disappointing things happen to every single one of us every single day and

there is not one thing you can do to prevent any of that from happening to you but you can change The Narrative of these situations and you do this by creating a separation between you and the other person your actions are not a reflection of me anything you say about me does not reflect my true authentic character because you don't know me you'll never understand me and I'm the only person in this entire planet that actually will you're basically just doing guesswork right now and you're very far off another person cannot hurt you if you

have the confidence resilience and the emotional boundaries in place to understand that it's not about you and therefore it can never get to you this is something I've struggled with for a long time especially with my family I feel like I've always lacked a lot of patience with them and it's something that I'm continuously trying to work icon and in trying to solve this problem I feel like I've come up with the best solution and now I'm applying this to every other situation in my life and this is to give people the benefit of the

doubt people are not trying to hurt you they're not trying to get on your nerves and I think a lot of people can relate to my situation when I say when our parents are doing something that we don't like or crossing a boundary or whatever we instantly get annoyed and we lash out because we think you don't respond boundaries and you're doing this and this and this because you're trying to make my life harder and you're purposely ignoring everything I say to try and be annoying and you just don't understand me as a person or

respect me there are so many ways you can spin it for example I have always lived with my grandparents and throughout my teenage years especially I started harboring a lot of resentment because they were very overprotective I didn't live a normal Teenage life I wasn't allowed to go to the house parties I was invited to I never really got close friends in high school because I never left the house I couldn't express myself or wear the clothes that I wanted to wear like everybody else was doing I couldn't go to the park I couldn't take

the bus while I can acknowledge that that wasn't the right thing for them to do because it wasn't fair on me and it meant that I was held back from a lot of experiences that I wish I had I'm not gonna blame them because they weren't doing that to purposely hurt me same with everybody else's parents they were acting based on the way that they were raised and the life experiences that they have had at the end of the day majority other family members always have our best interest in heart they want us to stay

safe and loved no matter what so sometimes they might act irrationally but they are doing the best they can with the resources they had at that time resources whether it's money or knowledge or wisdom so now knowing that I try to remember that every single day so even when my family members barge into my room when I'm busy doing something when I've told them a million times to knock or when I'm trying to tell my family members good news and their responses to only point out all of the bad things that could go wrong I

realize they're not trying to do it to take that moment away from me they're trying to do it out of protection to try and make sure that I've taken all things into consideration the list goes on and this is not to justify when people cross your boundaries of course that's not okay you should continue trying to communicate it and strengthen the relationship with your love ones whether we're talking family friends Partners but this is more about helping you control your emotional reaction so you're not placing so much blame and creating a story about how much

this person wants to hurt you or make your life harder because that is the thing that makes our anger come out so the next time somebody says something that's kind of insensitive or they nag you or they say something that's very triggering and you can feel the anger building up and you want to lash out and you want to say something you're going to take a pause and you're going to think what is the best reaction that is actually going to serve me and help educate this person so they don't say that thing again so

then we can put this situation to rest because if you start arguing and if you raise your voice they're instantly going to become defensive and then you're not actually getting to the root of the problem which is I don't like it when you do this and step number three your social skills the overarching theme of this step is to always lead with kindness because when you do your lesson your strong emotional reactions to many situations but with this I want to talk more specifically about making jokes I don't agree with making mocking jokes about anybody

I have never seen the point of it I'll never find it funny because you never know what somebody is going through you don't know what fight people are putting up with every single day in here and you don't want to be the person to make a stupid comment that pushes them over the edge for a while it used to upset me as to why it's not most people's First Natural Instinct to lead with kindness and compassion and then I realized I haven't done that my whole life as a child as a teenager I think even

in University I used to judge and I used to criticize and I would justify making mean comments if that person hurt me first but as I've grown older I realize you can only ever control what you put out and if you think about yourself the way that you leave your house every single day to get on with the day and you go out with a smile and you try to act like you got everything together and you try to be polite to other people and put on your best face to go out into the world

and yeah you have all of these insecurities on the inside you have of all of this anxiety you're overthinking everything you say before you say it you're thinking about that bad thing that happened last night you're worried about doing that really scary task tomorrow you're constantly hiding all of your sensitivities and your traumas guess what every single person is doing the exact same thing and yet none of us have realized every other person on this planet is just as complicated as we are so yes they might do or say stupid things at times but you

don't know about the specific life experiences and Trauma that led them to doing that because if you did if you fully understood them or try to lead with some compassion then you wouldn't hate and you wouldn't misjudge or criticize or gossip and you wouldn't lash out or shout or get angry or jealous everyone is trying to do the best they can every single day your local Barista the cashier at your Supermarket that stranger you sat next to you on the train and that's what you should remember the next time you're about to engage in Road

Rage or criticize service staff or yell at your siblings chapter 3 mastering your emotions when it comes to yourself so we're going to be talking a lot about self-awareness and self-soothing in this is chopped up let's start with self-soothing because this will save you from making those impulsive decisions that you're gonna regret later stuff like I just can't stop thinking about him it's time to stand in that paragraph in my notes self soothing is all about being there for yourself and managing your emotional reactions so really you're doing yourself a favor in the long run

this is the time to take a step back sit with your feelings process them so then you can let them go ASAP journaling is the first way to do this everyone always asks me how do I Journal I can't get into it yada yada yada I do have an entire video tutorial on how to but you don't need a tutorial you don't especially when it comes to a step like this when it comes to self-soothing you're gonna get any piece of paper you're just gonna write everything down there can be spelling mistakes you can talk

in slang you can use abbreviations but you can write down anything you can use swear words this is just about transferring your thoughts onto paper so that then you can have a clearer mind being annoyed at others and wanting to vent is normal that's an okay reaction and if you're not ready to ask a friend for advice to help you reach the solution yet and you just want to keep talking about it so that you can let it go my favorite thing to do is grab your camera hit record and talk as if you're on

FaceTime to your bestie you can say anything you want no one's ever going to hear you and it just means you feel like you're having a conversation and you're letting it all out without having to emotionally dump on anybody else the next step to this is self-validation accept the feeling this person said this thing to me and now I feel really upset like I genuinely feel like I'm on the verge of tears that's okay that doesn't make you sensitive you don't need to develop a thicker skin it's completely okay to cry and feel sensitive if

people say something mean to you so you know what you're going to do you're going to validate that emotion it's okay that I'm feeling like this I'm not gonna beat myself up for being affected by that shitty thing that that person did but now I'm gonna give myself what I need oh they ignored me that's fine I'm gonna celebrate myself they misunderstood me that's fine I will understand myself they did it listen that's fine I'll be my own therapist showing up for yourself is the highest ACT of self-love and unfortunately it's not very normalized and

it might even sound weird to have conversations with yourself and kind of save yourself from these situations but I've been doing it for such a long time and I've never been more at peace and the second part of this chapter is all about self-awareness this is about acknowledging your impact on others and not immediately placing external blame and this level of self-awareness comes very easily if you have some self-confidence if you have a strong self-image and strong self-worth then it's not that hard to admit and acknowledge I messed up I made a mistake I shouldn't

have done that or said that and I hold my hands up I shouldn't do it again because at the end of the day I am confident in my heart and my pure intentions for other people and the fact that I would never intend to hurt anybody else therefore I'll be the first to admit when I mess up because I know my mistakes do not Define me like yeah I know I overreacted or I got Moody but that's okay I'm gonna learn from it and now we'll get better if you're insecure or a people pleaser or

you're constantly trying to prove something because you need to to gain other people's approval then you'll lack self-awareness you're too afraid that people will disapprove or judge you for making mistakes when it's completely normal another really important step that comes with self-awareness is realizing that so many people love to vilify others people are so obsessed with being the victim in a situation and making somebody else the villain of that story so that then they can talk about it to everybody else and that they are the hero what other people do is none of my business

oh okay so she said this and she should now but she did that crazy thing that nobody can believe so what okay none of my business I don't care I'm Gonna Keep It pushing with what I put out and what I can control I know I'm gonna hurt people and I'm gonna make mistakes without intending to and that's okay because I'm gonna consistently learn from it and grow from it so I'm not gonna engage with the emotion of guilt or shame and the fourth and final chapter seven mindset shifts you can start using today so

that you can officially have the best emotional intelligence step number one who are you when you don't get your way when you are having the worst day the weather's bad everyone's ignoring you your plan's got cancer you're not feeling yourself how do you act Are you rude are you extra Snappy you're not as kind you don't smile at strangers in the street you cancel out on these plans that is a reflection of your character as I said before it's not what other people say about you it's how you act on a daily basis especially on

the days that you don't get your way because it's easy to be happy and kind and compassionate and smiley when the weather's good and when you got your way and when you really deep this for a second you're gonna become so much more conscious of how you behave on a daily basis how much gratitude are you showing how much kindness and love are you putting out into the world even when you don't receive it back and most importantly how can you start to build up emotional resilience that when things go unplanned which is normal and

is going to happen regardless how are you going to show up to that situation how are you going to let it impact you and how are you gonna face that problem and continue on throughout your day showing up as your best self mindset shift number two stop romanticizing your sadness yes that's right I'm calling you out okay because you get sad and then you're like oh let me listen to some Adele oh let me put on my favorite sad movie so I can have a cry oh let me replay the situation in my head over

and over and over again and then make up scenarios about that situation to help me fall asleep at night you just love victimizing yourself don't you and I get it because we all do it okay we start fetishizing our sadness weirdly dwelling in your negative emotions is like a guilty pleasure in the moment but all you're doing is prolonging that state of negative emotion but instead in order to be emotionally mature you're gonna focus on motivating yourself to get back up again you're going to take time to feel the emotions and process them and then

know at the end of this you will be okay you will get through it and you will carry on as normal if not better than before because you hit rock bottom and then you learn how to get back up and get through it you will reassure yourself that that negative emotion is temporary and it will pass and it does not determine how the rest of your day or life will go for example when I've gone through a breakup of course I'm sad and I'm crying and I'm in my feels you need that time to validate

your emotions and sit with them and process them but you can't be stuck there forever okay so I've cried over the last few days now I'm gonna delete Adele out of my library and I'm gonna make a motivational post breakup playlist like a body Tunes Living Single Life okay my favorite Tunes are riding solo by Jason Derulo Successful by Ariana Grande Single Ladies by Beyonce and then listening to all of this music and it's hyping me up and helping me release all of that serotonin and instantly my mood is improving then I'm gonna write a

list what is my life gonna look like let me script it out let me manifest let me write a list as to why that relationship wasn't supposed to work out and why it's in my best interest and so I can change The Narrative of what should be a sad situation into is something that is working in my best interest let me start scheduling fun things in my calendar to do now that I'm single and I have all of this free time that same process applies to all situations mindset shift number three remember that it's all

about discipline when a difficult emotion is arising the first thing you need to do is ask yourself is this serving me okay so this person's being really annoying and they're triggering me and I feel like I want to argue and get confrontational is that in my best interest is that how my higher self would act is that reaction going to get me my desired result is that going to fix the problem is it going to get me closer to where I want to be in life if the answer is no which it most definitely is

then pause take a step back and reflect on what is in your best interest maybe it's cutting that person off that's completely okay maybe it's taking a day to be silent and just think about it maybe it's communicating to them what the problem is and fixing it at the root like I said before ultimately this is a very important skill it's a form of discipline it's teaching yourself to take a pause and not act on your ego or give that emotional reaction the power and the voice that you can control instead mindset shift number five

question it until you can answer it so you feel scared anxious or triggered what am I really feeling is it the thing that person said or have I just been generally feeling kind of down recently how would have I preferred this situation to go what can I do to fix it what will help me feel better in this moment how can I prevent this situation from happening again and that way a situation has just happened where you could have normally gotten very overly emotional about it but instead you questioned it and you're getting to the

root of it and that way you can be more practical about it mindset shift number five the art of silence and no I don't mean silent treatment this is about actually listening to what the other person is saying observing what they're doing before you choose to react in this time you're gonna put yourself in their shoes you are going to try and justify their behavior as to why they're acting like that and why they're not acting get you or hurt you but why their life experiences and their lessons may have put them in that situation

with you because at the end of the day everyone is doing something that they feel is right based on their own experiences and learning this has saved me so many times mindset shift number six start writing down everything that you're grateful for this is a daily practice of mine and so many other people that are obsessed with leveling up their lives becoming more positive and happier this is gonna ground you and keep you present rather than constantly focusing on everything that's coming wrong which only breeds your anxiety and which will only grow your misery long

term it is so easy to find even three small things every single day that you can be thankful for the food you ate the fresh air you experience the Sun that came out and lastly mindset shift number seven learning the difference between emotional immaturity and emotional maturity to go from being emotionally immature to emotionally mature this is what we do go from having that external locus of control and thinking life happens to me too I I am the control of my own destiny and I decide how I react to things and the which way my

life is going to go and going from oh my God I can't believe they did that everyone is so rude to me why does no one respect me and always mistreat me everybody is responsible for their own behavior and their own actions it is a reflection of themselves and I am guarded by this safe little bubble of my own self-worth and confidence that nobody else can penetrate that is going from criticizing and gossiping about others to being extremely conscious about how you speak about other people because you never know what they're going through and you're

never going to fully understand them so who are you to judge and finally it's going from basing your actions on how other people treat you to having the discipline where you know it's your choice how you respond to situations and carry yourself and that brings us to the end of this video wow I actually love today's video it felt very refreshing to speak about I really hope you learned some new things if you did comment down below and let me know because I love reading through all of your comments remember that you can buy all

of my jewelry on my website it's in the description and follow me on Instagram so that we can be besties and I will see you in next video I appreciate you thanks for watching and I'll see you in the next one bye [Music] foreign [Music]