making friends is so easy but everyone acts like it's hard everyone has this misconception that it's this impossible task especially if you're socially awkward shy quiet or introverted but guess what I was and still am all four of those things and yet I sit here every single week and make YouTube videos to thousands of people I come across confident and I have the ability to go to a stranger talk to them and make friends with them but I get it okay because for years I was a loner or I was surrounded by friends that weren't
right for me and for so long I always dreamed of the day that I'd have friends around me that actually aligned with me and it wasn't until I learned these tips that it was possible and that's why this video is all about how you choose Friends making friends is the wrong approach it's so centered around a lack mindset and it means you're more likely to end up with the wrong people as always here's the video instructor we're going to be covering green flags and friendships how to make friends as an adult how to avoid common
pitfalls when it comes to making friends strategies where to meet people and so much more I got you covered don't worry but right before we jump into this video I wanted to mention that this video has kindly been sponsored by Teddy Blake New York and if you've been following me on Instagram then you know how obsessed I am with this bag and that I've been wearing it literally everywhere over the last week when I tell you I am obsessed with this bag and I need it in every single color this brand is amazing because they're
all about designing premium luxury feel handbags without the luxury price tags every single one of these bags are actually made with real premium Italian leather they use the same materials as all luxury Brands and they never compromise on quality I love the fact that this can be used with a top handle but it also comes with a long strap the inside is so roomy I actually can't get over the smell of this bike you guys and then there's a small pocket I always like to put my lipsticks in there they have a bunch of designs
not just this one every single color you could imagine small bags big bags everything this gray bag that I own with the gold Hardware is the Kim lizard 11 inch bag there'll be a link in the description for you guys to shop as well as an amazing discount code for you guys but honestly I'm just so impressed that this is made with a team of Italian designers they always give you a fair price and it's so high quality pretty enjoyable that it's literally designed to withstand the test of time so your money will be very
well spent because this is going to last you ages and honestly I wear it with every single outfit there's not one thing in my wardrobe that this bag doesn't go with so chapter one the friends you should be choosing not making it's vital we place importance on friendship green flags and what our friendship standards look like so of course this is the first step because you need to enter into the process of finding your new friends with the correct mindset your friendship standards need to be Sky High and you cannot come from a place of
loneliness or being desperate because that's how you either end up more lonely or surrounded by toxic friendships so first things first let's get our checklist for these people in order so we know exactly what we're looking for and then how we can get it here are the qualities of a healthy friendship one positivity of course friends are there so that you can talk to each other about your problems have a shoulder to cry on but ultimately you want to have positive people around you as I said in my last video you will the average of
The Five People You spend the most time with when you are going into this process of trying to get new people into your life you need to make sure they're a good influence on you and that you uplift each other you're not trying to just find people to spend time with and talk to it's important to find people that actually energize you rather than every time you leave a meeting with them you feel drained and exhausted because all they do is complain criticize and gossip if you put up with that that's exactly how you live
a low vibrational life healthy friendships also look like trust okay I need to have 100 trust in you that you're not gonna stab me in the back you're not going to go around spilling my secrets to everybody talking bad about me I need to trust that you're loyal you won't lie to me and if we have an issue you can come to me and communicate with me next is respect and this is crucial okay no matter how different my friend is to me we could be complete opposites maybe I would never make the choices they
make in life however I still respect them and the choices they make in life okay I don't want to be friends with people who just because they don't live the same lifestyle as me think I'm weird or question my choices or use it as an excuse to criticize or gossip about me the next quality is somebody who listens and asks questions I need to feel seen heard and accepted for who I am as as my authentic self they have the desire to get to know me on a deeper level they're not just using me as
their personal therapist to vent all of their problems and then never listen to what I have to say and in that case you have to question yourself when I meet up with this person am I just sat there listening to their stories the whole time or giving them advice the whole time next is vulnerability and I feel like this is very overlooked in Friendship you need to be able to open up and share so you can connect on a deeper level and understand each other fully skip the small talk and the gossip and just having
fun experiences together ask the real questions because once you fully understand somebody you can care for them properly you can show up for them properly next is alignment and this is easily confused okay because I don't mean aligned in the way that we are exactly the same type of people and we want exactly the same type of things in life no I mean roughly we want to go to the same area in life which is up here we are always trying to work on ourselves we are always trying to reach our goals we lead those
conversations with new knowledge and new energy and motivation and these friendships are amazing because if you're into your self-development you and your friend are going to help each other stay on the same path as I said before you are the average of The Five People You spend the most time with so when you look around at the five people closest to you think to yourself do I want to be the average of these five people if the answer to that question is no and you would never want to have any of their lives mindset or
goals then go find another friend group the last qualities of a healthy friendship are effort and communication you want to make sure that you're not the only person that's always asking them to meet up with you you need to know that when you need them they'll be there and when they need you you'll be there they're not going to drop you the second they get into a relationship they're not going to be super inconsistent and always leave you hanging and with communication it's healthy it doesn't involve lies or manipulation or gaslighting you guys can have
issues that's normal but they're always resolved peacefully and in a mature Manner and all of those qualities equal a healthy friendship next it's important to set your standards and of course I'm going to help you out and give you a list of questions that you are now going to ask yourself so that you can start forming this list of your standards number one what do I expect from Friendship number two how do I want my friend show up for me when I'm going through it number three how often do I want to see them for
me personally I'm a very low maintenance friend okay I don't want to be expected to meet up with my friends every week so I need to meet people that also live a similar lifestyle and are okay with that four what personality traits do I want them to have for me it's compassionate understanding and loyal what shared values do I want us to have it could be you need a friend that has the same Hobbies as you or the same interests as you or just the same morals as you what are my non-negotiables for me it's
you have to be ambitious I don't want to surround myself with any other energy because truthfully I'm okay on my own I want to surround myself with people who are as ambitious as me and I won't make friends with anybody who doesn't have that quality next what experiences do I want us to have together AKA what do I want our friendship to actually look like is it traveling together is it always just casually chilling at each other's houses having sleepovers is it doing activities is it going on double dates is it going on nights out
every weekend and doing the clubbing lifestyle now I know first and foremost friendship is about genuine interest and connection and love and care for that person of course but in order to keep your standards High then you have to ask yourself this question so for me what I want to get out of my friendships is to feel uplifted and inspired when we talk and we meet up about our goals our lives and everything for you you might want to get out a good laugh and to feel relaxed and not have to think about all of
the other stresses in your life or maybe you want to make friends with people that are older than you so you can have deeper conversations and kind of learn that wisdom from them and listen that's not bad and that's not superficial or a fake way to approach friendship because if you were dating you would have these exact same standards so why are you not holding that for all of the other people in your life chapter two how to heal the Friendship wound this is so overlooked but it truly does affect whether we make friends how
we make friends and what kind of friends we have in our lives I always questioned why haven't I found my dream friendship group yet why am I always alone and then I found out I was self-sabotaging the whole time and I didn't even realize because subconsciously my friendship trauma was controlling the choice as I made in my social life I was literally isolating myself to protect myself from going through bad friendship experiences again and I wasn't even fully aware that I was doing that I experienced this by having a lot of experiences with fake friends
or being betrayed or stabbed in the back and just losing a lot of trust in people because I'd been abandoned by friends in the past a lot of us go through this and it actually ends up altering our perception of female friendships to something that's catty or and ingenuine but this was so far from the truth there is so much love power and support that is built within Sisterhood and I don't want to miss out on that but I was because I was trying to fill that hole that trauma by spending so much time with
myself and I thought I was protecting myself but really I was hurting myself by playing it safe because I was holding myself back from having those experiences of female friendship and that's when I realized something had to change because you have to be loving open and trusting to allow the right friendships to come into your life and you don't need to be perfect but sometimes a little bit of self-development can go a long way in improving your life and the quality of people in it we already know unhealed traumas will affect all of the relationships
in your life so how do we heal our friendship trauma this is how one forgive yourself because you are worthy of friendship and you need to stop looking back at every single little thing thinking that you were the cause of it I've experienced this and it's a very common experience when you go through like a negative or traumatic relationship with somebody even if they did you wrong even if they hurt you and disrespected you a little part of you is always going to think but why did it happen to me and how did I contribute
to this was it really my fault am I a bad person I'm all for self-reflection and recognizing where our weaknesses are and where we go wrong but that wasn't your fault okay if somebody hurt you you did not deserve that you didn't deserve that treatment you didn't deserve to be abandoned hurt or rejected it was on fire on you and it has nothing to do with the person that you are however you were treated has more to do with that person than you and if you have reflected on yourself and you know you have good
intentions then you should remember that you are worthy of friendship and that you would make a really good friend two heal your attachment style I always talk about this because it really helps us in all aspects of life I had to heal my attachment style because I used to be an avoidant this meant that I had to make an active decision to go against my natural beliefs of trying to isolate myself and hold on to my Independence because I thought other people or relationships might ruin that avoidance hate commitment and depending on other people and
that's what I was always at and I knew I was never going to go past that place unless I had the intention to ignore it every single day on the other hand if you have an actor's attachment then you need to recondition your mind into thinking I can make friends but also I can live without them if that comes to an end I am completely whole capable and happy on my own I don't need to cling to other people or depend on them three figure out your mission because this is going to be your motivation
don't just go out to make friends just because you feel like that's what you're supposed to do because that's not going to be sustainable in the long run a lot of making friends is about putting yourself out there and approaching people and if you don't have the right motivation behind it you're not going to build up the courage to actually go and do it think about the reason as to why you actually want to make friends how is this going to benefit you and your life why do friendships mean a lot to you what can
you bring to the table in that friendship and how would having a best friend benefit you in your life and the last step to Healing our friendship traumas is to take it slow and one step at a time be gentle with yourself trust issues and changing the way you act as a result of past traumas is normal you need to make a plan of how you're going to make friends which we're going to go into at the end of this video and then take baby steps when it feels comfortable the important part is that you're
actually making steps you're making progress you're not just going to stay stagnant because that's your comfort zone I had trust issues for so long I didn't want to let anybody in but I knew I was acting in my future self's best interest by actually going out there and trying to make friends because my comfort zone isn't concerned with my future it's just acting off everything that's happened in my past which is no longer relevant so when I'm taking these steps like going out of my way to message somebody new or talk to a stranger or
make conversational assembly out for coffee I literally reward myself I act like I'm talking to my inner child and I'm like well done like I know that was difficult and maybe the trust isn't there yet and you're still very nervous about this friendship but well done you for taking that first step it's all about having some self-compassionate understanding in these situations so it makes the journey easier don't put so much pressure on yourself where it's like oh but we're not friends yet and we haven't met yet or what if they reject me no no just
focus on the step that's right in front of you right now chapter three avoiding common mistakes people make when they're trying to make friends the first one is stop expecting your friends to be perfect and stop expecting them to be the same as you this is very common in female friendships you know when you're trying to find your new girl bestie and you want to have everything in common with them that is not realistic and nor is that going to guarantee you a healthy friendship it's important to be aligned with someone but even if they
have completely different interests to you don't just dismiss them too but I have no friends and I'm lonely and I'm really shy and I'm socially awkward stop making excuses you are literally self-sabotaging your own life and your potential sure those excuses might be very realistic and based on very hard facts as to everything that's happened in your past as to why it's difficult for you to make friends I understand but you're never going to get past that until you make the decision to ignore those excuses you are the only person that can save yourself and
show up for yourself I was like this for so long well I used to get scared of talking to new people I was too shy I was too introverted it felt too scary and I was more comfortable being on my own but I knew in the long run I was missing out on valuable friendships that could have benefited my life so I decided to be my own hero and save myself and like I said before taking it one step at a time literally acting as my own mentor and saying okay first things first you're gonna
approach that person well done you did that then you're going to engage in conversation with them then you're gonna ask them out for coffee you're gonna make a plan and you're gonna commit to it you are not gonna allow excuses of past experiences to run your life anymore the next rule is to stay authentic don't try to change yourself or alter yourself in a way that you think this other person will like you try to act like you're interested in what they're interested in or to just be a yes man to them no if you
say something and they disagree with it or if they don't like the way that you think or what you're interested in then so be it why would you want that friend in your life and even if they're funny and you guys have good experiences with them long term you're missing out of meeting people who truly love you for you and who you are the next rule is to put yourself out there and put your pride aside okay very common mistake is that sometimes our egos get in the way and we're waiting for other people to
approach us you know okay but that person should text me first or they should ask me out for a coffee no when you're trying to make friends you can't let your ego or Pride have any place in this process you need to fake it till you make it get that confidence and reach out if you're rejected then so be it and this links into the next rule which is all about exposure therapy in this case exposure therapy means consistently putting yourself out there and allowing the possibility of yourself being constantly rejected from other people and
I know that sounds horrible why would anyone want to experience that but the thing is when you keep exposing yourself to that experience you become numb to it it no longer text you and it raises your confidence destroying your fear of rejection will make this entire process of making and choosing friends 10 times easier because if you think about it what's really holding yourself back from dming that person or shooting your shot or approaching that stranger it's the fear that they won't smile back or they won't talk to you or they won't like you back
but if they don't who cares then they're just not your people then we move on we go about our day and we go to the next person it's it's really not that deep okay it was never that serious your mindset needs to get to the pace of oh you don't like me okay cool that's fine because I like and love myself just because you don't want to meet or you don't want to be friends doesn't mean that's something inherently wrong with me or that I'm not desirable or I wouldn't make a good friend that probably
just means we're not aligned or you're not interested and you are completely okay and within your right to have that opinion and that opinion doesn't Define me so why should I allow myself to be affected by that opinion it's really that simple and the last rule is to take a leap of faith sometimes you need to leave the past in the past and just openly trust no matter what and is there a chance you're gonna get hurt maybe but if you try to avoid every single negative possibility in life you would never go anywhere you
wouldn't apply to any jobs you would never find your soulmate and you would never find that group of friends chapter four where to meet people now you have the right mindset so let's meet those new potential friends the key to this is Hobbies so that you can find like-minded people and I think the first step to this is to build up the confidence and courage to go out and do things alone because once you're comfortable doing that you'll be comfortable going to places to meet people alone or joining clubs or activities alone so the places
to meet friends one become a regular anywhere you want could be a coffee shop could be a bar when you become a regular not only do you familiarize yourself with the staff and that staff could also be your age live near you have the same interests in you and you guys could perfectly get along and be friends but you'll find other people who are regulars at that place next is join a class yoga Pilates tennis whatever because just like when you were a kid and you're in school and you were trying to make friends you
do it in clubs you do it when there's a little community and circular people around you where you have no choice but to work together on a team and talk to each other and get to know each other and that is way less intimidating it means that you're not actually putting yourself out there that much plus you already have the same interests that you can Bond over that is automatic conversation no awkwardness needed the next place is Bumble BFF I personally have never used this but I have heard amazing things anybody I've heard as ever
mentioned this has always said they found a group of friends from this app the next place is Tick Tock and I know this might sound crazy but I say this because I've actually seen this work a few times videos have come up on my for you page where women who have just moved to big cities like London or Manchester will literally post a quick little Tick Tock video like hi I'm a girly in her 20s and I live in this area of this city does anybody want to meet up for coffee comment section hundreds hundreds
of women who are like oh my God yes I'm also here and I'm living alone and I would love to meet up easy next is Facebook groups you can find a Facebook group on anything on just being a South Asian woman on being a girl in her 20s on being a postgraduate best way to make friends because people bond in there so quickly while never meeting face to face and lastly is to slide into the DMS because social media was made so people could be social reach out to people that you follow mutuals people that
live in your area that go to your school your University if you're a content creator like myself reach out to other content creators and be like do you ever want to do a Content day so from everything I've said the key factors are to put yourself out there and have the confidence to be the person that speaks first and do it on a platform a location or a club that links to who you are as a person and your interests it's as easy as that that is the magic formula that is what majority of people
do to meet friends okay so I know why I should meet people in the mindset I should have and where I should meet them but what do I talk about you know I'm gonna tell you this is what to talk about for the shy for the socially awkward for normal people who just really hate awkward silences I can relate the key to this to having a good conversation that flows and also this person being engaged with you and liking you and wanting to keep talking with you is to go into this process of talking to
this person not with the mindset of I'm trying to make this person like me or I want this person to want to be my friend no no no no no because if you think like that you're going to be so in your head all of your confidence is going to be out of the window because you're placing all of your power in the hands of this person you're going to come up as desperate you're going to be in your lack mindset and you're not gonna have that magnetic Aura so instead you're gonna go in with
the mindset of how can I make this person feel and how can I see and understand this person more instantly you are now making this all about the other person and not yourself when you're constantly being self-conscious and thinking okay but do I look okay or how is this person going to perceive me and what if they don't like me and what if they reject me all of that insecurities they're gonna show through the way that you act and talk with this person whereas if you are not making all about how can I make this
person feel you're going to appear more confident you won't be insecure anymore and everything you say and do is now going to be 10 times better because you're focusing on listening and showing up for that other person and that is a 99.9 chance that they are gonna love you for it you are going to make such an amazing first impression as a result it is a proven fact that people love talking about themselves so this entire conversation strategy is going to be centered around just asking them loads of questions loads and the fact that they're
answering your questions and talking to you for an extended period of time and then opening up to you as a result will trick their brain into thinking that they already like you even though they probably met you 10 minutes ago I'm gonna give you a rundown of how this is gonna look hi excuse me oh my God I just wanted to say I love your outfit me really oh thank you so much that's so nice yeah your style is incredible I love your necklace especially where did you get it from oh thank you so much
it's actually just from Zara oh my God I love Zara it's literally my favorite store I'm literally here in the shopping center shopping all of the time are you from here no I'm actually not from here I just moved here like six months ago oh cool well I've actually been living here my whole life how have you been finding it because sometimes I feel like there's not really much to do on the weekends you know I'm a good guy I've been having that same problem where I don't know where to go so I just always
come to this coffee shop trust me I feel your pain but there's this really good lunch spot that I love and not a lot of people in this town know about it honestly I guarantee you like it every single person I take there loves it you know what we should go together oh really yeah I'd be done that sounds really nice and that is an especially good example because this girl over here was such a dead conversationalist she didn't ask me any questions and yet I still kept the conversation going now that wasn't realistic that's
like a worst case scenario where the other person takes no interest in you and doesn't ask you any questions back and yet it's still that easy to keep a conversation going realistically if you have a conversation with a stranger and start off with a compliment instantly they're gonna like you and they'll be disarmed they'll be more open to talking to you and secondly whatever questions you're asking them they're gonna start asking you those questions back and then it's an evil conversation where you're going back and forth you're getting to know each other and after the
first 2-3 minutes where you might feel awkward it becomes natural and lastly the key to having a good conversation is to emphasize the things that you guys have in common because yes that leads to easier conversation but if you're emphasizing all of the reasons as to why you guys are the same it's gonna kind of trick the other person into thinking they like you straight away and this links into the last chapter which is how to become more likeable when you're making these friends this chapter is not about changing yourself we stay authentic around here
but I thought it would be useful to end this video with a few hacks that are known to make people more likable based on psychology the first tip is when you're in a conversation with them repeat back to them what they just said yeah so when I met with them I just felt really uncomfortable and it was just such an awkward experience I didn't know what to do oh my God they made you feel that uncomfortable I can imagine how confusing that must be so what did you end up doing then when you repeat back
to them what they just said that shows that you're a good listener but also if they hear words coming out of your mouth that they just said in their mind it will make them think that you guys have shared interest the next tip to be more likable is be like wanted be easy going smile and laugh you want to radiate positive energy and this means no more resting face who would you rather be friends with me or me the next step on how to be more likable is to put your pride aside because it disarms
people okay start joking about an embarrassing experience you had or a time that you were a little bit cringy this shows that you are confident and secure in yourself and because you're not trying to force this perfect image of yourself on other people it relaxes them and it allows them to also be their natural authentic self and open up to you plus when you're telling funny embarrassing stories about yourself it keeps people laughing and if you can make people laugh they're gonna like you the next hack is to ask for advice this forms a really
strong bond and emotional connection people will like you if they feel like they have put their time and energy in to help you out and lastly talk positively about other people this creates an amazing aura for yourself and it allows the other person to start trusting you and based on psychology whatever good things you're saying about that other person this new potential friend will start associating those positive qualities you're talking about with you and who you are as a person and that brings us to the end of this video I hope you guys enjoyed it
if you did make sure you give it a like And subscribe because I'm putting videos up every single week make sure you comment down below and let me know what you thought or drop down a video request because I always listen to your requests this video today and my last one were also requested by you guys make sure you follow my Instagram to keep up with my daily life and follow my Tick Tock for daily self-love and self-growth advice they are all Linked In the description below I really hope you learned something new and this
video helped you out thank you so much for watching I appreciate you and I'll see you in the next one bye foreign [Music]
