4 Things that SABOTAGE your healing from a narcissistic relationship

nobody nobody nobody is grateful for the experience of a narcissistic relationship and no this is not a six to8 week thing time helps there's no doubt about that but these relationships change you internally they sap trust you don't trust yourself you don't trust the world so let's talk about the unique fomo of the narcissistic relationship okay so what am I talking about okay at this point if a decidedly unhip old lady like me knows what fomo is it's mainstream okay but if you are one of the few out there who doesn't it stands fomo stands

for fear of missing out it's that anxiety people get especially for example when they look at social media and they get the sense that they're sort of missing out on something missing out on fun or cool events and so they try as much as they can to show up to things to Abate that fear even if they don't really want to be bothered or leave the house but fear of missing out on something sort of spectacular or something fun just sort of pushes them to join I mean fomo has always been a thing even before

there was a fomo term even before social media and I honestly think there should be something called IW it wasn't all that after a person kind of gets home and recognizes that they wasted a day or an evening or money on something because they were so afraid of missing out and they come home and recognize it wasn't all that but I think narcissistic relationships have a unique form of fomo let's call it fonte fear of not trying everything now we know the basic architecture of the narcissistic relationship they love Mom you fall for it then

they devalue you it gets confusing some days they're really on it feels great many days they're off it feels awful the relationship goes back and forth between sometimes seductive sometimes even a little fun but mostly angry and invalidating and you're forever chasing those good days and spend a lot of your time confused as hell now over time you blame yourself trying to make sense out of the chaos and you try everything to make it work you don't ask for your needs to be met you try to be really fond and light-hearted all the time you

don't call out bad behavior you try to love B on them and you absolutely exhaust yourself narcissistic people have a really well honed ability to leave you feeling as though they kind of always have one foot out of the door as though if you do or say the wrong thing if you question their behavior then maybe they'll leave and they kind of dangle leaving or walking out or Calling it Quits as a sort of quiet threat I don't know if I'm feeling a Rel relationship now I have a lot going on and you seem to

need a lot or they'll say something like H this is more stressed than I want or they'll say I don't need all this drama or they'll say I don't like having my life questioned sound familiar so then you stop questioning them you Silence Yourself so your carpet is now made of eggshells and you tread very lightly you are also convinced that if you do your relationship does end that the next person is get this great new version of them the love bombing may be etched on your memory and you can already imagine the next person

getting the charm and the Charisma and the sex appeal and the love bombing it's an awful feeling so you keep trying harder so they don't go away but at the same time you really are burning out on the relationship you're tired of the manipulation the gaslighting the Shady Behavior the lying the Betrayal but you're still not sure did you try everything but you don't let go and that's where we get to the sort of different kind of fomo this fonte as I'm calling it the fear of not trying everything sort of the fear of regret

and I truly believe that it is much worse than any fear of missing out it's interesting there's something almost morbid because many many people I've worked with who've had narcissistic relationships and tell me when when their relationship is done and I completely get when they say this they'll say you know what the grief over this relationship ending is overwhelming and this would actually almost be easier grief if someone had passed away I'd be grieving differently but the not knowing the thinking I could have done something more or different and they're still walking around so there's

an idea that I could the idea that they're still moving on and moving through the world and I'm still stuck it feels awful these aren't people bad bad people thinking this like this is the idea that someone could move forward and completely forget about you and not think of you can really feel haunting the euphoric recall is rough your mind goes back to every pristine love bombed moment and somehow you conveniently forget the awful moments that fear of regret is so potent and people don't like it none of us like a fear of regret right

unfortunately no matter what you do you're not going to be the one to change them and that can be a really bitter pill to swallow so as the relationship May slowly come to an end whomever ends it them are you the not narcissistic person in the relationship may look back and say did I try enough did I do enough should we have done a few more sessions of coup's therapy or should we have even done coup's therapy in the first place should I have just let that time they cheated on me go wasn't that big

a deal was I being unrealistic in my expectations for the relationship should I just have forgiven them and that fear of not trying everything keeps you up at night listen I am not a psychic and I cannot look into a predict the future but I do understand narcissistic relationships and one thing I can promise you is that they really would not have changed no matter which of those things you did differently so unless you wanted to remain and be a repository of their cruelty for the rest of your days then there was nothing you could

have done other than to put up and shut up that's not really a life is it I can tell you though the one thing that you are going to regret let's say you do get back together with them and you get back together the hoovering works or you manage to draw them back into the relationship you'll have a new Mini love bombing phase that's how that goes and then before you know it it'll be back to business as usual ual maybe you'll stay another six months in the relationship or six years or 20 years and

it will be exactly the same gaslighted manipulated invalidated dismissed you want to regret something how about not getting those years back if you do go back in I understand that fear of the unknown or what if the new person gets a better version of them there is no better version there may be that love bombed moment that the two of them have and you have to see that on social media and'll feel awful but the new person is going to get the same version and sure that new person may have different kinds of arguments with

them and different issues but it'll still be the same hollowed out and exhausting trip that you were on I recognize that every narcissistic relationship has a rock bottom it's a point you get to at which you cannot unsee what's happening in this relationship and at that moment it may be a little easier to leave or watch them leave right there may be less rumination about what else could I do did I try everything but that can take a long time and a lot of life and time may get wasted on your journey to your Rock

Bottom though I have even heard some really powerful stories from people in their 70s and 80s who listen to content about narcissism and were able to make the leap after 50 and 60 years in these relationships which I actually think is quite amazing I would love for you to see this all of these patterns earlier and give up the distorted dream that somehow there was something else you could have tried at least we can try to help you push that accelerator to get to that rock bottom so that if the relationship doesn't work out it'll

feel a little easier I get it none of us want the stain of regret on us so we keep pushing ourselves the trauma bonds turn regret into something terrible the trauma bonding confuses us enough and it can complicate and sort of twist the regret into something that makes it feel impossible to leave so instead of the fear of not trying everything the one place you don't want to end up is FTM y the fear of wasting too many years it's not nearly as catchy fought me but it's a hell of a lot more tragic so

all that fomo what am I missing it's a different kind of Fel in these relationships and people saying I'm GNA hang in longer because maybe I didn't try everything and Essence it means your future faking yourself and the fact is is that none of us has forever time is a very precious resource and so is life how much of it do you want to spend being gaslighted and invalidated what's another reason we often forget that forgiveness is so hard in a narcissistic relationship so again the Forgiveness month in my healing program has been actually very

profound for me as as the person who's creating the content in the curriculum and I think it's really been a really important series of Revelations for the people in the program but I've been thinking about it and it's just sort of coming up in lots of places I look I was watching a news report a while ago a person's family member had sort of would have been a victim of a crime a trial happened and the person who committed the crime against that person's family member was sentence the person whose family member was the victim

of the crime said that she forgave the perpetrator I shook my head as I watched this news coverage I could see the pain in This Woman's face I could see the grief the loss it was her process maybe part of her spiritual space to forgive and I respect that but I thought for a minute and I know me if I had seen someone terribly harmed due to a crime or an avoidable accident I don't think I could forgive and that was me so it really engrossed me in what This Woman's experience was and it really

made me think a lot about forgiveness especially this month because I'm talking about it in this program and while I still don't think I could forgive somebody who harmed my family member even if they were sentenced or incarcerated forever it gave me an important insight into why forgiveness is so tricky in narcissistic relationships listen what's happening in most narcissistic relationships aren't crimes and such clear-cut circumstances 99% of the time the stuff that goes down in a narcissistic relationship is more subtle and it dawned on me I realized that narcissistic people almost never face consequences for

their behavior lots of people enable them and say things like it takes two to tango he can't help it he doesn't have a filter she doesn't mean it their bark is work worse than their bite she had a tough childhood oh come on now he apologize you know the whole drill and most people will often take the stance of oh come on now Let It Go relationships are tough you need to turn the other cheek take the high road be the better person the downstream effect of all of this is that narcissistic people rarely face

consequences in their relationships families or workplaces and that makes all of this stuff especially this forgiveness stuff a lot harder I do think that if a narcissistic person faced real consequences when they do something bad whatever those consequences may look like lose a job go to jail get a big fine lose their reputation lose something that matters to them have people turn their backs on them and let's say that kind of thing happened to them early and often conceivably that could shape their behavior consequences shape Behavior we know that but since most people with these

personality Styles rarely face consequences they almost become emboldened and may even push the envelope and do worse and worse things because there aren't any consequences but in the absence of them facing consequences it makes it even more difficult to forgive because not only could they do a Bad Thing betray you or harm other people and have nothing in their lives change now you may be facing pressure to forgive or may feel you need to forgive it doesn't feel good to forgive under those circumstances because it can feel like they got away with it three times

they got to do the bad thing they didn't face any consequences and now you are expected to forgive them which is basically saying yo no problem I'm cool it's all good I can let it go so it's like there are no consequences and the implicit message is that no matter what a person with a narcissistic personality does they get to get away with it because with some but not all narcissistic people but I would say most most ultimately believe it or not there are actually consequences they harass someone at work they finally get called out

they keep playing it fast and loose with some Financial thing and they're end up getting a big fine they cheat on someone and get caught and it's on camera and gets posted and everyone sees it and they are ashamed and this time the spouse leaves they get caught on a hot mic saying despicable things and it gets into the news and they lose their position as a leader a politician or a celebrity but here's the rub when a narcissistic person finally gets caught it likely means that they have done whatever the bad things are doing

dozens and dozens and dozens of times before this time it finally gets seen it also means they have done it dozens and dozens and dozens of times before and this may be the first time that there are consequences they will Yammer on about witch hunts and having a Target on their back and they're a victim blah blah blah when they do face consequences you may still feel hurt from whatever they did to you but we do feel a little more stable a little more whole when there feels like there was a real consequence in some

cases you may even pity them but that's a bit more of a trauma bomb thing and in some cases if forgiveness is what you need to do them having faced a consequence may actually make it a little bit easier for you to forgive forgiveness as I said and I've been thinking about all month is very tricky territory in narcissistic relationship ship there's no two ways about it they they view forgiveness as permission basically but always remember that the lack of consequences that most people who are narcissistic face their ability to commit their sort of their

bad behaviors right under the line or behind closed doors where no one can see it and yet it harms you so much can make it really hard to forgive but it did dawn on me that that idea that to forgive someone after some other entity has placed consequences on them I'm not saying at all that it's easy but it may feel like it's more possible but if you see somebody who's constantly betraying you harming you insulting you whatever it may be they never face a consequence and you find yourself in this really uncomfortable position of

constantly forgiving that lack of consequence is one more reason like we need one more but one more reason that forgiveness is so difficult in these relationships as you go through a narcissistic relationship you believe that you'll never see the other side right you're just sort of stuck in some kind of like distorted hellish House of mirrors you may also believe you're never going to experience what normal is or even get over it depends on the situation and depending on the nature of the relationship you may believe truly that this will always be your hell to

have to deal with but and I see it every day people do heal they commit to Healing some folks go into therapy some folks go into support groups some people watch Channels like this they read books but they work on it but you may find that even as you're going through this process and whatever that looks like for you you may find that there are people out there trying to micromanage your healing what does that look like well let me give you a few examples your serial cheater narcissistic partner is finally out of your life

and the trauma bonding makes coping with this very difficult so your friends tell you that you just need to get distracted and go out dancing or go to Vegas and meet someone for a rebound another scenario would be your narcissistic mother makes a big like a colossal deal out of you forgetting her birthday but her birthday happened to fall on a day you were preoccupied with a very important an job interview and now she's giving you the silent treatment and a family member tells you that you would be coping better if you could just forgive

her and write in your gratitude journal or your narcissistic boss and colleague sort of come together and triangulate and steal credit for something you had worked on for months and they do it in front of your company's CEO or leader and that leader CEO person believes them so you watch them get promoted and get a special award while you spend your days ruminating at the disaster that this job is and how much time you've wasted and then your friend rolls up with a meditation app tell you telling you that if you meditated 30 minutes a

day that you'd feel better I am sure all of you have your stories of how people kind of try to get in there and help you deal with dealing with this or healing from this and when you're deep in it managing hurt rumination betrayal confusion heartbreak and you just need a minute or you're trying to take it slow with your healing and learning about narcissism and perhaps edging closer towards radical acceptance here's the thing folks there is no meditation app rebound sex or gratitude Journal that is going to help you that much especially in the

early phases of healing might distract you for a minute but it's not going to help you dig in there healing from narcissistic abuse is not the same as healing from a normal broken heart a normal Broken Heart with one you grow apart from someone you find out maybe they aren't as into you as you were into them they decide to go back to an ex but there may not have been any antagonism and manipulation and gaslighting and all that other stuff that does such a a psychological number on you but rather it's the stuff of

love right love Love's complicated bad timing different feelings unrequited love but our hearts still hurt comparing a normal broken heart to the heartache of the narcissistic abuse is like comparing a paper cut to a severed limb the pain is not only far different so too are the long-term ramifications healing from a regular broken heart it hurts it hurts but it has a more normal course tears time distraction within 6 to8 weeks some people may even find that they were a little grateful for the experience and slowly move on nobody nobody nobody is grateful for the

experience of a narcissistic relationship and no this is not a 6 to 8 week thing time helps there's no doubt about that but these relationships change you internally they sap trust you don't trust yourself you don't trust the world it means taking back your entire sense of self to figure out what reality is again to stop doubting yourself to slowly come out of a world of hypervigilance a world of being constantly on edge of wondering when the other shoe is going to drop and these impacts especially for example it was a parent that was narcissistic

they send Echoes into your lifetime this is no ordinary broken heart so that means that someone giving you a gift basket of essential oils in a journal and some tea while absolutely lovely I'd love to get something like that is not going to cut it though when it comes to healing and in fact when you get that kind of help the gift basket or the meditation app you may even feel crazier because you may Wonder Maybe I'm making too big a deal out of this because I mean they're telling me the lavender oil and Primrose

tea should work and I feel as though I've completely lost my mind and my sense of anything but you may also find folks micromanaging or mismanaging your healing even more giving advice that may not account for narcissism for example weighing in about forgiveness or telling you that you just need to think differently there is also the danger of being told that you need to get out of that relationship and meet people quickly nah after a narcissistic relationship to heal you need time away from that coming back into your authentic self or even discovering your authentic

self can only be done with lots of solitude thrown in in and not while you are trying to figure out how to please and win over a new partner the micromanaging of your healing may also look like people sort of putting you on a schedule saying things to you like hey it's been six weeks maybe you do need to see a doctor that's too long now listen if you can afford therapy it's always great in these circumstances but that's not about too long 6 weeks you're not even going to make a dent in this healing

takes lots of time the longer the relationship the longer the healing takes because the more seismically the narcissistic abuse has affected your life not everyone gets this not everyone understands narcissistic relationships listen on a channel like this all of you watching all of you commenting I know many of you do and I kind of wish you all knew each other because my guess is that you would not be micromanaging each other's healings but a lot of people out there don't get this they don't understand this they haven't been through it they're in denial they don't

see it they don't get it they don't want to get it because it's a sucky thing to get it sucks to realize this about human beings and relationships and don't get me wrong these micromanagers are not on a collision course to hurt you they often just hate to see your pain and they feel helpless they aren't just busy bodies but the micromanaging always always runs the risk of leaving you feeling like there is something wrong with you and that is not a good feeling they give you advice they want you to heal faster to put

that narcissistic relationship behind you it's just not that easy this gets even more magnified when it's a family or a parental relationship you often aren't breaking up and the other stakeholders Friends of the family other family members will often want nice and tidy forgiveness apologizes apologies compromises and they'll want to micromanage all of that often with the goal of keeping you locked into the narcissistic relationship with the family member and they may do nice things like getting you gifts or talking to you or taking you to dinner that might be the nice things they do

to help you but they may also do manipulative things like telling you how hard your narcissistic parents' lives were for example and asking you to look for the good things in your abusive sibling always remember healing from narcissistic abuse isn't normal healing to heal from a narcissistic relationship is a form of deprogramming is another video coming out on that soon and has to happen first and only then can the healing really happen in Earnest it can take years and your life may move on well in other areas work friend friends but the doubt the internal

discomfort the grief it all can persist for a while but when people try to tell you to get on with it or they give you vanilla advice about managing a broken heart or suggest that you go to a retreat or a massage or a spa day or a gratitude meditation it can feel like one more invalidation and then you may feel guilty because you know that some of these micromanagers they actually did mean well but they don't know how to do this healing is your path to walk get the supports and get the information you

need but don't put a clock on this process and recognize that this process takes a minute and you often never quite feel the same way again nobody not me not your shrink your best friend not your yoga teacher no one can tell you how to do this and the best anyone one can do is to validate your experience and give you your space as well as being there for you openly and non-judgmentally and to all you micromanagers out there who may be watching this video don't do it you can get them the present to help

them feel better but don't say this will turn it around and absolutely don't say like all right let's just go and have a party and then you'll forget not going to forget so do the kind things but do them from from a place of not trying to press the button on the fast forward on this on this healing process but just let a person know I'm here I appreciate you I got you this will take as long as it takes I'm here with you as you walk through this I'll be there on the other side

that's what a person who's going through this and is healing from this needs we're going to talk about something that's often a block from fully healing or really approaching healing in a full way from narcissistic relationships let's take that one on so healing from any kind of toxic relationship is difficult so it's it's that's hard enough now many of you watching this YouTube channel on the narcissism and everything related have broken down your thinking about this narcissistic relationship or relationships you have thought about what narcissism is how it showed up in your relationship where did

it come from the sequences that played out in the relationship how it made you feel you read the old text message you attempt to decode them you look at the old photos you analyze them you look at their social media posts you try to figure them out you think about ways to talk to them if they're still in your life so you can approach them and set boundaries with them you think you think you think now the thinking is definitely a useful stop Gap strategy you can think about things like this isn't about me I

can disengage that text is showing their insecurity who they're gaslighting me this channel channel has hundreds and hundreds of hours of content on the thinking part frankly it's easier to talk about it and teach about it there are some universals in these patterns of narcissistic relationships so we think about them we think about how did we get here we think about what should we do but the thinking and the overthinking Drive rumination which is a maor issue for survivors who get caught in thought Loops all day and all night about current relation ships past relationships

sometimes to the point of distraction from life and quite often to the point of distraction now the thinking is important but the real change comes from feeling feeling feeling it means letting the emotions happen that these relationships raise anger sadness tears anxiety frustration helplessness hopelessness feelings sometimes those feelings you can't even have find a word they don't need words in fact the words take the feelings and make them too thinky feelings are almost an energy right you can't quite frame them part of the feeling is also to feel where it is in your body it

could be happening anywhere your chest your head your tummy anywhere and any number of Sensations uncomfortable feelings are rough for us they feel as though they can overwhelm us we don't ever want to run into our negative emotions it's like running into a burning house we feel like we can't get pulled out if we're in them we can't get pulled out of them they're like psychological Riptides and we're concerned they'll pull us out to sea and we'll never get back if we fight them just like with a Riptide however we'll exhaust ourselves so that means

surrendering a bit feeling these feelings listen feelings are like the weather they will pass and new ones will come in it is however easier to think that doesn't feel as vulnerable now thinking can bring up feelings but then we can hide or avoid those feelings by thinking more if you do allow yourself some time with the feelings it can also be destabilizing because your body and your psychology are detecting that this relationship is toxic and so the feelings aren't good feelings the thinking in its own way kind of almost magnify some of the trauma bonding

with our focus on explaining and rationalizing and justifying the feeling that we feel confirms that this thing isn't good for us and it can be hard to feel that uncomfortable feeling if you don't want to end it or you don't know what to do about the relationship start small with these feelings otherwise it'll be too overwhelming maybe start with your feelings about a narcissistic person in your life you may not have to see as much or you only sometimes have to see the next time you are going to see that person build in some Time

ahead of time sit or lie on your bed or in your car or somewhere and breathe and just let the feelings come where do you feel those feelings in your body stay with those feelings you may have already sold yourself the story well it's only going to be two hours and I only need to do this once a month that's a way to help you feel comfortable because the feeling may be uncomfortable now some of you may be thinking why do this Dr romeny I can think differently and get through the challenge is that feelings

do need to be processed and felt so they can work through you may think about having to see this person and want to cry or feel a sense of anger or feel worried holding space for that feeling being more gentle with yourself giving yourself a minute when you are done interacting with this toxic person all of that can also happen help ease not only some of the stress and the hurt it can also push forward some of your healing I'm not saying feeling your feelings is a quick fix it's not like hey feel it and

it's all good and some people like to take the stance you know what I'm over it he cheated or she screamed and cursed or they took advantage of me angry angry you come up with the reasons you may not want to sit with the sadness or The Melancholy or the other again sad emotions that feel evocative that may leave you feeling like oh I feel sad does that mean I miss them some people go to the place that GH I don't want that feeling maybe it means I'm wrong I don't want to feel sad I

don't want to feel doubting I want to get angry that anger is really useful initially and I am a fan of writing down the stuff to remind you how bad it was but also allowing that feeling to happen can also be a way of letting go of some of the confusion these relationships are so confusing because they aren't all bad and you are sad for some parts of it that's to be expected but even though you're sad about parts of it it's still toxic find your places to feel to cry to rage to scream M

are the shower in the car feel those emotions and breath deeply as you deal with them and feel them like I said it won't take it all away but it may allow some of this to come through you so you can slowly put it down being too intellectualized about these relationships means that you can do things like rationalize leaving but the emotions are still there and as long as the emotions aren't processed they still drive that rumination and find other outlets for feeling whether it's exercise punching a bed or punching a pillow or crying or

dancing to loud music or Screaming into a pillow yes yeah let it out you can also Elevate to creativity cook sing paint sculpt let the feelings turn into something beautiful the thinking has its place but don't let it become a defense against letting that feeling flow feelings for most survivors were often not allowed in our narcissistic families of origin or were shamed and we're typically gaslighted in our narcissistic relationships feeling may actually be a new space for you and to feel means that you are allowing yourself an experience that the narcissistic person wouldn't let you

have or would shame you have it it won't happen overnight but find small Windows of your life to feel the feeling because what ends up happening is the thinking can leave us saying I understand how this works and I'm still carrying a lot of pain the pain doesn't feel good those negative feelings don't feel good but running away from them and thinking well I can just think about this differently merely prolongs a process of healing which can actually be facilitated by doing the uncomfortable thing think of it as physical therapy many people who've gone through

an accident or a surgery will say Physical Therapy was incredibly painful but they knew they had to walk those 10 15 20 steps a day the feeling the feelings is the same of the pain of getting that limb to work again putting the weight on that leg slowly getting it to work again it's the most uncomfortable part of this because we're like I just want to figure out this problem and work it like a problem it's not a problem things like this have a lot of emotion associated with them and if you can hold the

time and space to process them it will be a huge leap forward in your healing thanks again and again if you want more information on my healing program please go to the video notes and click the link