Tony Robbins - Lessons in Mastery Part 1 - Psychology audiobook

[Music] welcome to lessons and mastery mr. Tony Robbins for 20 years of my life I've been obsessed with a question of what makes the difference in the quality of people who watch how can people turn out so differently even people with similar backgrounds what give someone the competitive edge what makes somebody fulfilled why is it some people rise above all the challenges become so much More now those questions started me 20 years ago because I never got my own life like what do I do how I turn what I have as a desire into a

reality I was very frustrated early on trying to accomplish things and I failed to achieve them and I felt bad if I began to rationalize for a short time I started thinking well you know maybe people who succeed a larger scale they do that because they have so many more resources than I have they had better Background more education they had mentored or they have money or they have somebody that just really cared about them in their corner and a perfect childhood and you and I both know that's totally absurd the people that are given

everything don't always turn out so well sometimes people are given all the money all the background all the education a perfect child a total love and support sometimes they're not challenged enough they don't become anything they never Developed any emotional muscle they never discover who they really are inside and yet then we see people who have been given nothing virtually if anything they've been given pain and we watch these people become the kind of human beings you and I personally would think of me think of what is an extraordinary human being the kind of people

that inspire us as people the kind of people who everyone in the world knows their name what would you think of The future of a baby girl born to a 13 year old mother with no father and no visible support well it certainly wouldn't be what we call a bright future most people wouldn't predict something great what if I told you that little girl would be abused physically and sexually several times before she was even 13 years old then what if I told you at 13 the fool girl became pregnant herself and gave birth to

a stillborn child what would you Predict would be your future what if my 14 she was so frustrated inside she was being sent to juvenile hall for the kind of behavior she was indulging in what were the future but most of you probably wouldnt predict a very bright future you probably wouldn't think of this person as having a future that you well know you wouldn't think of this person as Oprah Winfrey that's exactly what she is you see it's not what happens it's what you and I do With what happens it shapes our lives and

so what we have to be able to do is say how are we going to live our lives what can we control we can't control the environment I mean there's two worlds really right there's the outside world all the things we're trying to control all the time and the inside feel uncertain because we know we can't control all the events of our lives but then there's the inside world the area you have absolute control over the area That if you direct it if you become the shaper of your mind of your emotions what you believe

what you decide what you do there's where all the power is in life so on the tastes that follow I want to share with you what I consider to be profound knowledge and profound knowledge is not because it's so earth-shattering it's because it's so simple that I live for that I'm always asking how can you make this better how you can help someone be happier more Fulfilled stronger how do you get someone to take action what is that distinction that idea that tool that strategy that the minute you understand it you can immediately change the

quality of not only your own life but anyone you have the privilege to touch that's my definition of profound knowledge those simple tools that we used immediately to change your life because you know so many of us have ideas but we don't convert them into Reality so for more than two decades I've been in pursuit of that unique human animal that person called an achiever those who've not only succeeded but are fulfilled those who've not only contribute to themselves but to their family into society so whether it be a parent or the president I had

States whether it be a Michael Jordan or a Nelson Mandela or a mother Teresa or the beloved princess died or the privilege to work with before she passed on all These people have shared with me things that helped to create an extraordinary quality of life and that's what this is really all about so I want to challenge you right now I wanna invite you that as you begin this program do it with an active state of mind do it as if as you hear something anything that's valuable commit to yourself that right now you're going

to use it grab the telephone and make a commitment to someone or pull out your turn Planner I write down what you're going to do or immediately go take action on any decision you made or any change you made that's how you build momentum so I invite you right now join me on this never-ending journey toward the life of active mastery a life where you not only succeed but are fulfilled let the journey begin and let's do it with who are you who are you really think about it your answer to that question is shaping

your destiny it's going to Determine how you're going to respond to enumerable situations our beliefs definitely control our behavior so the beliefs you have about one person like a friend of yours will determine how you interact with that person the beliefs you have about a food will determine whether you eat that food that's pretty basic but the beliefs you have about people in general are global beliefs that affect all kinds of relationships and the beliefs you have about yourself Are the most potent beliefs of all not only the beliefs you have about what you're capable

of but the belief who you are because you and I remember it's not our capabilities that determine our behaviors our capabilities are constant what we do is based on identity I remember an interesting story that was told to me years ago that represents this idea of identity it's the story of the frog and the Scorpion seems one day a scorpion wanted to make his way across The river and he saw a frog and thought what a great way so he called out to the Frog you said mr. frog he said I'm a scorpion and I

need to get across to my family on the other side he said would you be willing to let me ride on your back across to the other side it's the only way and get across the Frog looked at him and said well uh I don't think so he said how come the Frog said well you know you're a scorpion scorpion sting frogs well I get halfway across with you Out there and you'd sting me in can I die the scorpion looked at him and said Oh mr. frog he said you're not thinking with your little

frog brain he said if I stung you he said I kill you but I drowned too he said I wouldn't do that I'd be killing myself the Frog seemed real confused by this and said okay he let the scorpion jump on his back he started swim across the river and about halfway across sure enough the scorpion stings the Frog He can't even believe it he said looks at him he's going down for the third time and he turns the scorpion he says I can't believe this why'd you do this I'm dying but you're gonna die

too why and the Scorpion said because I'm a scorpion and that's what scorpions do they sting frogs what does this story mean it represents one of the most potent forces in the human personality and that is this one of our strongest needs within our Melody is to make certain that our behavior is consistent with our identity even if the identity we hold for ourselves is negative what do I mean well there's a very big difference between feeling stupid doing something stupid or knowing you are stupid now that may sound like semantics but it makes a

huge difference in how you live your life we all feel stupid at times we all do stupid things at times but if you make the jump from feeling or doing Something stupid in the moment to believing you are stupid that belief about who you are will color every single behavior you're involved with for the rest of your life it defines you and it limits you you see the beliefs we have about who we are our identity creates the boundaries within which we live our lives and it isn't limited to something like whether or not we

think we're smart or stupid you say why I would never say I'm stupid I'm smarter Than that or maybe you put it in the area of that I'm a procrastinator see it's different to have been a person who's procrastinated at times or to procrastinate in the moment than to know you're a procrastinator once you decide that's who you are that behavior will be consistent just because you need to be consistent with your own identity it works in every context you can imagine it's different to know that you've got Ten extra pounds on your body that's

different than knowing you're a fat person or that your compulsive personality you got to be very careful the labels that you create for yourself or you allow others to give you because they begin to define your experience they begin to change what you notice about yourself what you're willing to try what you're not willing to try they just find the way you live I can tell you I've met with people over the years Who tried everything to make a change and had been even successful in changing a behavior like let's say stop smoking or stop

using drugs or something but it was usually short-term and it didn't last why didn't last for them previously and now I worked with them and we got something that now two three four five years later it still seems to be working in fact there's not even a struggle they're not working not to smoke they're Not working not to take the drugs why what do we do different this time well in the past they try just to change their behavior but they didn't change their identity they didn't change their beliefs about who they were as a

person see I can show you how to get off drugs use drugs but if you believe you're a drug addict and then you don't use drugs for six months I guarantee you it's going to be a struggle because you're fighting who you are the whole time and Eventually there's a good chance you'll go back or for the rest of your life you'll have to go to sessions where you try to remind yourself that you can't use drugs you know there are plenty of people then addicted to drugs for years hard stuff and one day they

quit and never touch it again how did they do that when it drive you crazy so you figured out someone made a change like that a change from Saul to Paul where one day what you loved you now hate and What you want hated you now love that's an identity change that's powerful that happens when you no longer see yourself as a drug addict so you can't be a drug addict and expect your behavior to be easy to change it's much harder to change who you are and most people's perception then has change of behavior

see that's the shift you have to become the kind of person who would never even consider drugs in a million years think about it isn't there Something in your life that you would never do I mean never I know one from you I would never murder another person I mean there's not even a question in my mind about that so the thing to think about is this if you would never murder someone in your case also why wouldn't you do it so it's unthinkable why is it unthinkable because I would just never do that why

would you never do that because it's not part of your identity It's not part of your beliefs about who you are so your beliefs about who you are to find what you will and will not do see it goes way beyond what you're capable of are you capable of murder somebody I mean while maybe I'm capable but I would never do it there's a big difference between capability and how you live and closing that gap requires an understanding of identity an understanding of how to stop pursuing the kind of person you want to be and

in The moment suddenly being that person right now and from this day forward by the way you may be asking well Tony why do people behave consistent with an identity that makes no sense because in our culture consistency is constantly rewarded and change is often met with pain I don't just mean pain within yourself i mean pain from society think about it in our culture what do we call someone who says one thing and later on they do something different We call them inconsistent a wire somebody can't trust somebody is wishy-washy I mean we could

go on and on with the tables nobody wants those we linked pain to creating change especially at the level of who you are hey how come in and tell me you're that kind of person when you might be why I've been changing oh yeah sure you have but on the other side what do we call somebody who stays consistent somebody says that they're a certain way and they Behave that way over and over again sure enough that person is trustworthy that person is somebody's honest that's somebody you can count on that person is stable so

what this does is it tends to lock us into whatever identity we used to have and that becomes a big limitation either that limit or the limit that comes from being successful see when we become successful oftentimes we become superstitious so we don't want to lose what we've got after all we work So hard to be in this position somebody comes by and says hey you could change that you can make it better they go away to second you understand this is what made me successful being this way well there's a great phrase that I

kind of paraphrase my Stein and that is that really in essence the level of thinking that's gotten us to where we are is not what's going to get us to where we want to go see to get to what we want to be we got to take on a new level of Thinking we got to know that what we've done up until now has been great there's nothing wrong with it it's fantastic but to get to the next level we've got to look at life in a new way and one of those new looks is

we got to perceive ourselves in a different way not just our capability but who we are right now not some day today that shift begins the minute you begin to consciously define yourself and fettle letting the environment do it for you because think About it how do most of us define ourselves where do we come up with our identity anyway well comes from a variety of environments but maybe the best way to answer the question is ask a different one how do you define the people around you how do you know if they're a friend

if they're a good person or not the way we define other people the way we discover their identity as we watch them we listen to them we judge people's identity usually By their behavior isn't that true I mean think about it somebody treat you real harshly several times each time you around pretty soon you go I know that person that person's a jerk you know what the challenge is once you decide that they're a jerk and if that becomes a belief or worse that becomes a canoe where you know they're a jerk nothing's going to

change your opinion about it then even if they're really nice person Later on they would just have a horrible day maybe they were being a jerk that day but that's not who they are once you define them that way guess what nothing they can do can change it so you've got to know sometimes we do the same thing to ourselves that's the danger sometimes we do something terrible and we see gosh I'm a terrible person or we do something stupid we go I'm a stupid person sometimes we get caught in A pattern of behavior that's

undisciplined but you know what if we start saying look I'm an undisciplined person now it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy if now all of a sudden you started defining yourself as an undisciplined person if that becomes your belief as to who you are not that you're capable of being undisciplined everyone's capable of that not that you've been that way at times but that's who you are Once you put that label upon yourself now your future behavior and therefore the results of your life are going to be colored diet so you got to be careful I'll give

you an example of how this has been used to manipulate people in a very negative way during the Korean War our American POWs collaborated with the enemy more times than any time in our history how come because the Chinese Communists understood the power of identity they understood that you can Only get a person to do something by force so long but if you can change their perceptions if you can change their philosophy if you can change the way they think if you can change their belief about who they are you can change their behavior permanently

and that was their goal see the American fighting man knew who he was he had an identity and he also knew if somebody tries to torture you you know all you give them His name rank and serial number and that's work for Josh Lee knows how many years but the Chinese Communist use what they call the leniency policy they decided that what they wanted to do was try a different approach they would bring the POWs in and sit him down and say listen you don't have to be afraid of us you know we're only your

enemy because your government attacking us we're just carrying people we're just defending ourselves Listen we don't want to hurt you here have a cigarette and they'd sit and talk with the gentleman and this American POWs would be very suspicious but after four or five or six hours of talking and having a nice conversation he'd begin to get a little tired and we'll exhaustive Oh warrant but these people were so cordial they say look your government doesn't care about you don't you understand the kind of unrest that's happening in your Nation right now they said we

care about our people they said let me ask you a question what's really not perfect about America are you gonna try and tell us it's perfect and the American POWs usually respond with wool of course America's not perfect that's all they needed their whole goal was to break into the shell of identity and get you to make some very small commitments and then enlarge them what do I mean Well they say well how was America not perfect person will say well you know we I don't we have unemployment I guess you know some people out

of work I said well let me ask you a question in communism do we have people unemployed deal W say well I don't know they said no we don't everyone is employed in the communist nation they said do me a favor just write this down just to be fair right down America is not perfect thank god what's that wait a second you want me Make it good I don't want to write that they said well is it true you just said it's true isn't it the POWs oh well yeah and he write down well America's

not perfect they'd write down how America is not perfect right down the communism we have people who are important and sure enough out of exhaustion and out of compliance without being forced to the American POWs have a document now in front of him that later on he would even sign that would basically describe why Democracy was terrible and communism was great now he's got to be able explain to himself why he did this remember we judge who we are by our own behaviors so sure enough you looked at his behavior and said I wasn't forced

I wasn't coerced how can I put this down Oh cause it's true then if that wasn't bad enough he would go back to his cell and the other cell mates look at him say what happened you've been gone for 18 hours you don't look like you're marked up What's the deal he sold they just asked me some questions and sure enough in a few minutes later over the loudspeaker the Chinese Communist would read this essay signed by him and they'd say did you write that and he would will say yeah and they said well how

would you do that you know did they beat you they torture you what they did when he said well nothing well how could you do this or the American pw1 at that moment you have To be able justify so it's a wall because it's true and at that moment the Chinese Communist accomplished what they wanted his identity began to change because two things happen he began to defend a whole nother view he began to believe that this was a accurate representation of his deepest feelings he was simply judging a set of small actions that were

orchestrated directed without his awareness but worse now others saw him As a collaborator and they would begin to isolate him sometimes even physically break out and fight or beat him now who is the enemy his fellow POWs and as a result he would collaborate secretly with the enemy on a larger scale again than any time in our history this is the power of identity we will behave consistent with our identity even if our identity is negative so we must be very careful about what we buy into I mean the classic example is with our children

The Pygmalion effect I'm sure you've heard of it what it is is research study that's been done over the years where they take teachers and they tell them the particular student is absolutely outstanding that they're a gifted child for example and that they'll need to be challenged a lot though because otherwise they'll just flop off anyone invariably happens the child becomes the leader of the class or if it's a group of children that they bring to the Teacher those students begin to excel higher than almost anyone else in the class all because of expectation what

do you think that would do to you - let me tell you you're gifted if you didn't get that gift earlier once you give that gift yourself right now we're all gifted all that is is a darn label so many children do poorly on something because they have a different strategy or because they don't understand something yet or it hasn't been communicated in Their style and then we assume they're learning disabled they live with that label and you know what that label doesn't just affect them and their ability to learn it affects their self-image it

affects the way they look at their lives and all of us have wounds in this area I just cleaned mine up because I got sick of it cuz I realize it's all garbage I get to determine Who I am the day I decided that was the day my life changed and that's the day I Want this to be for you you know this already you know what consciously but you gotta remember the power of a belief you've got to tap on those beliefs that affect you most and those are the beliefs you have about who

you are today not who you're going to be who you are right now so let me ask you that question again who are you I mean who are you really there's so many ways you could define yourself but how do you because the Definition you have yourself is creating the boundaries again that you're living your life within see what do you have a conviction about when you describe yourself who do you still certain you are not what other people are said about you now what people expect from you in your gut who are you see

are you a leader or you are follower are you a person who makes a difference or are you a victim are you someone who's constantly trying to figure how to grow Are you somebody who is constantly looking for an excuse are you merely a collection of habit patterns or use something deeper something richer are you merely your past or are you who you're defining now I would suggest to you that right now is a moment you could begin to ask this question and really begin to give the answer instead of saying this is an esoteric

day for what Beck is he talking about here Who am I what is this stuff I want some duels mr. Robbins maybe you could really stop for a second and really consider the answer who are you see when I ask the question of people I usually get one of three responses either a blank stare or somebody goes into trance or I get the Popeye response I am what I am okay but there are few people who actually stop and they think about Who am I how would I define myself to see we all want to

be able to define ourselves we want to show how we're different how we're unique Otherwise you're no different than the person is sitting next to you how do you have a sense of identity identity is nothing but definition and with identity come parameters parameters of who you are mentally emotionally physically how do you describe who you are to yourself and what I'm really asking you to do is to ask a question just like Gorbachev did I'm asking about some glass notes with yourself be open with yourself to ask the question anew who are you really

The way you're defining yourself is controlling how you're responding to this tape it'll control your relationships it'll control your occupation and control the way you think the way you feeling what you do now how can you define yourself let me help you out with this so it doesn't just go off into the distance here and if you're driving while you're asking this question notice what's going on around you as Well don't go into a deep trance on me here so how can you define yourself there's so many ways or again that's what identity is to

give you a clearer definition it's how you define yourself do yourself how do you know you're different than your brother or your sister or your neighbour what makes you different what makes you the person that you can discern as being unique those elements that you use to describe yourself with conviction are the ones I Call identity so for example some people when they describe their identity describe themselves by their emotions that's basically who they think they are so personal say well I'm a loving person that's who I am or if I say who are you

they might say well I'm a peaceful person or I'm an intense person some people don't use their emotions at all to describe their Danny some people choose roles well I'm just a mom I say what just a mom my mom has so many Things what are you crazy come on here a mom has got to be everything she's the best friend she's the teacher she's a student she's fun she's outrageous she's a stimulator she's an entertainer I mean she's everything you can't just be a mom you better expand your identity but see a lot of

people go well I'm just a mom I'm just a dad expand that view but notice house key to find yourself start with how you already define yourself maybe you do it by your jobs I Mean say well I'm a doctor or I'm a priest or I'm a Salesman or I'm a lawyer so that's one of the challenges see they don't say I practice law they say I am a lawyer so they go home at night and they cross-examine their spouse and wonder why they got problems we got to get beyond that process you got to

know that you're more than what you do but again just start with what you have I keep jumping the next step I want to expand you but let's figure out how you already See yourself so you need to start with that so you're aware of where you are what else could you use well you could use your roles you could use your identity as emotions you could do your occupation will be another category all metaphors some people use things like I'm king of the hill I'm at the bottom of the rock pile none of those

metaphors really shape a lot of how you think and how you feel what's possible for you what else could You use well some people describe themselves based upon the feedback they've had in their past something like I'm worthless or I'm special or maybe by their spiritual beliefs I'm Jewish or their looks I'm beautiful I'm ugly I'm old I remember with our accomplishments you know I'm the 1960 Spring Valley hi homecoming queen hello some people lost track of who they really are you're not your past some people define it by what they're not oftentimes lost people

Who are you and they respond by saying well I'm not this I'm not my father I'm not my brother I'm not like this person I'm not like that you know what part of how you define who you are that's different than other people's what you're not but don't make your whole identity based on what you're not or otherwise you're pretty limited in what you are some people describe themselves based on their past their failures for example other people do it based upon Their future how are you defining yourself who are you what's the essence of

your life I keep asking you this question because I want you to keep asking it of yourself keep refining the answer and in the moment I want you to pull over if you're in your car or I want you to stop what you're doing and I want you to stop this tape and I want you're right who you are describe yourself to yourself so that once you're all you can get an idea of what's going On unconsciously because here's the thing I don't think I've made clear the biggest challenge with identity is most of us

are not conscious about what our beliefs are about who we are see that's their power to control us they're unconscious but if we get really conscious about our beliefs and we stare at them and take a real good look will immediately start seeing what the limitations are in our beliefs and we'll also see some of the benefits because The truth of the matter is you probably have a lot of great beliefs about who you are as well so right now when you stop this tape no more conversation take out your journal or a piece of

paper and just write down the question that philosophers have asked for thousands of years who am i and describe in detail who you are when you're done with that take at least five minutes minimum of five and then come back here and let's talk some more stop the tape now welcome Back now I assume I welcome you back right you really did turn the state off and you really did do the exercise didn't you if not go do it cuz if you didn't do that why didn't you cuz you're busy you're too busy you Sidonie

I'm really busy I got a lot to do I'm out of time to think about my identity can you break and more scary than that do you do this in a lot of areas of your life do you unconsciously I didn't by yourself as a person who listens to Things and then doesn't act upon them I doubt it because I think if you're the kind of person listeners this kind of tape you obviously are committed to make your life better so now that you know who you are who do you really want to be see

however you limited yourself in the past or whatever even if you think your identity is really strong in order to achieve all that you want who would you have to become think about it would you have to be more gregarious more Outrageous more fun more passionate more disciplined whatever you have to be you need to come it now not some day you don't need to make it a goal you need to fuse with that identity you need to start thinking if I was this person how I breathe how would I walk how would I talk

how would I treat people what would I do when I woke up in the morning how would I speak to myself how would I think about life and then you need to think about this and literally fuse with It imagine stepping into the body of this person and becoming this person and then immediately go out and act this way I remember years ago I used to tell people listen if you want to change your life conduct your life as if you were a public figure as a thing about how public figures have to be how

they have to live how they have to treat people what they have to do and I said if you do that long enough the quality of your life will literally transform well you Know what I became that person I became a public figure and I wasn't one but now I am it's an amazing experience what's great about it is I don't have to behave any different than I have for years the way you hear me now is the way I am this is who I am I don't have to fake it or act like it

this is who don't Iran's is so now when I want people see me in an airport I don't have to be constantly monitoring myself and saying well am I being appropriate or am I going to be Misinterpreted I'm just being Who I am that identity is real for me and you might want to take that advice again you might want to think about how would you conduct your life if you're a public figure how would you be if you were already living your dream see if you'll start behaving thinking feeling and knowing you're the person

you've been pursuing I can promise you many of these goals that are way out there you'll start to experience them as a reality Right now or whatever is necessary to make them real will show up for example if you believe that you are an intelligent person it's because you had an idea called I'm an intelligent person and at one point you didn't believe it it was just an idea it looks like a tabletop with no legs but then you took some tests successfully people told you you were intelligent you notice you could figure some challenges

out each one of these became a leg underneath Your tabletop till now the table is solid it'll stand there it's a solid leaf you feel certain about it well that's the same way you can help yourself to change your identity go out and do some of the things that a person like this would do now don't limit yourself to this technique because you can change your identity right now by making a decision now for some people decide by the way they need to go through a ritual throughout human History people have used rituals to change

their identity not only within themselves but the way other people see them because the way other people see you and the things they expect from you tend to influence your behavior if you're not clear yourself who you are you got to be careful you got have such a conviction about who you are that nobody can sway you you know who you are inside regardless whether you're getting the results you want or not in the short Term but if you want to make a difference look at what would be a good ritual again if you look

at the African culture for example a number of years ago when I saw the movie roots and seeing Kunta Kinte who's a friend of mine levar burton played that role so powerfully but Kunta Kinte was part of a village and how did a boy know he was a man there was a specific ritual so on one day he transformed the boys in the village kept talking about they knew the Day was coming they heard stories that on the day you become a man somebody came and put a hood over your head they took you to

the special place and took you through this ritual and that's exactly what happened and the rituals were varied and one of them I will not describe it I can only tell you was somewhat painful and as a way for them to have physical evidence he was a man he came back walking different literally and he was wearing a special outfit and Sure enough Layne came back the whole village now because he was wearing that outfit and been through the ritual knew he was now a man and began to treat him differently our environment reinforces or

takes away from identity that's why we've got to decide the dimi we want within ourselves today how do people know if they're a man or a woman well I guess the original in our culture is drinking in Judaism how does a boy know he's a man he has a Bar Mitzvah the Girls have their version of that process so we've missed a lot of that in our culture but we found ways to replace it they're just not quite as clear and maybe we found ways they're not real resourceful going getting wasted on your 21st birthday

may not be the most powerful way of being able identify yourself as a person is free to do they choose maybe there's a better way but regardless think of what would might be a nice ritual for you maybe it's Something crazy maybe for example you have excess weight you used to think of yourself as a fat person as long as you believe you're a fat person not just somebody has excess weight if that becomes your identity that you're a fat person sure enough you're going to find it very difficult to change in fact you can

do all the right things but you'll return to that identity you'll start overeating in or do whatever is necessary to get Consistent with your belief for who you are so maybe what you need to do is go through a ritual one that's stronger than all the diets you've been on maybe you need to figure something out unique that are really jar you like one day you burn all your clothes except one outfit then you go out you buy all new clothes at a size that's reasonable for you to be able to reach and you know

you got to keep wearing an outfit till you get there I'm only speaking partially with Tongue in cheek I mean we need to get more outrageous now whether we approach things the reason I've used the firewalk for years is because people tend to transform a lot of their beliefs about who they are it's not the firewalk has any power anybody can walk on fire you can do it tomorrow and I tell people that when I first get to the firewalker said you can do it right now all the stopping use your limiting beliefs and Having

a little bit of strategy but you know what happens intellectually they know they're capable everybody knows they're capable but it's when you do something that's when you know you've changed and what happens is they got on the other side is firing their brains with my gosh if I can get myself to do this and it's this easy what else that I used to think was so difficult or impossible that now it's probably just as easy it begins to change the picture Of who they are see I know I've gone on and on in this tape

I'm getting across hopefully one singular potent message and that is this your life is defined by your beliefs your convictions of who you are that is the essence of what's controlling you and if you ever try to change your behavior and it didn't last it's because you change the behavior for the moment but you didn't change the controlling force your perception of who you are That is what got a shift and maybe for you it's subtle and maybe for you it's huge I don't know but I can tell you this the first step is what

I said earlier become aware of the unconscious beliefs you have about who you are and again those beliefs are sometimes reflecting your behavior sometimes not so that's not the way to define it just sit down and answer the question Who am I it's the question that philosophers have Asked for thousands of years and it's one you deserve to ask yourself and give it enough time spend at least 10 minutes answering the question who you are I know you're busy ok but take the time to ask the question and don't just give the pop-by response I

am what I am stop and think and give some meaningful answers of the first things that come out of your gut and even if you don't like them like you know if you say something like well I'm inconsistent or I'm a person Never falls through write those things down it's ok the first step is to notice what you believe and you know what you probably have references to back up those beliefs remember you can find references to back up the idea that anybody is a good person or anybody's a bad person if you look for

something you'll find a reference to back it up if you want to back up the idea that people are basically rotting in the rip you off anybody has references to back it up if They want to you want to back up the idea that people are good people and they care everyone's got references to back that up if they look deeply enough so the fact that you believe something in past does not mean it was true just find out first what you've been believing about yourself write it down then step to immediately begin to question

those limiting beliefs say is that Who I am or is that how I use that that's a very Important question just because I've acted that way a bunch of times in the past am i my past or am I who I decide to be now could I change my entire life right now regardless of how I've been in the past and because I behave that way is that because that's who I am at the deepest level is that Who I am at the core is that the essence of who I am I doubt it who

we are is spirit we're more than our physical bodies were more than beliefs or more than values somewhere Inside of you there's a part of you that's everlasting there's a part of you that's never-ending you need to check in with that when you start feeling overwhelmed you start feeling like I can never accomplish this or I'm just not cut out for this remember you're cut out for whatever you decide to be cut out for you have the capacity you are bigger than any challenge you could ever meet in your life connect with a greater source

remember The miracle that your life represents see if you just remember what's going on inside of you right now just for you to be listening to me all the processes with a heart that beats constantly pumping blood through 60,000 miles of blood vessels that's what's inside of you if you put them end to end they'd wrap around the earth twice at the equator very thin I might add but it would still do it the point of the matter is this is the power that's Inside of you who are you you're a miracle the fact that

you're alive is a miracle the fact that you're living in these times is a miracle if you start realizing that you're a miracle that you're a gift if that becomes part of your definition of yourself without a big ego about it then all of a sudden life has a different quality the types of actions you take are different the way you treat people is different and the results that you generate your life Will be transformed what is more important to you than the way you feel what is there anything you know my business seminars for

years I've asked people I so tell me anything you want this world we've always give me all kinds of different responses and they'll say well if I had some food I would feel better or if you know I made more money I would feel like I had more power or more control and more freedom or more Security or if I was in a better relationship I feel more loved but a reality they don't really want the relationship and they don't want the money they only want the food they just want to feel better they want

to change the way they feel they want to change the emotional content of their life in that moment I think it's real important for us that we take a new look at emotions that we see that some of the motions that we consider sometimes to be Negative the emotions that we think are most painful may in fact be our best friends they may be giving us signals that we need to make changes if we heed these signals and if we utilize them we can change the quality of our experience and our life immediately so just

remember emotions are the oates empower they start wars they cause us to get married the ghazal is to get divorce to create children they can even make us ill or they can make us healthy in Essence the history of your life the history of this world is the history of emotion emotions of the core that call us to action and change our entire lives so where do they come from what's their real purpose what are some of the most intense emotions that we experience day to day that shape our destiny and the most of us

never really learn to master and then how can we master them and how can we utilize those to increase the quality of our life those are in essence The questions I want us to answer together day how do you deal with your emotions right now I'm curious because I found that people deal with emotions in one of basically four patterns either one they avoid them they literally try to not feel they try to not have to feel it they the feeling of rejection and there's a problem with that what would you guess it is well

yeah if you're always trying to avoid rejection you're never going to succeed Because anything in life that requires you to deal with other human beings on a massive scale where you're taking a step forward and you're trying to create change exposes you to a point where somebody may disagree with you may reject you see the ultimate fear of rejection keeps people out of relationships they never get to have the feeling they do want which is love or intimacy or a feeling of connectedness because their fear of rejection keeps Them out of it so you can't

ever avoid completely negative emotions or part of life and they cause us to grow some people don't try to avoid emotions instead they go into that I'm going to endure it phase or worse I'll endure it but deny it those people usually to try and disassociate from their feelings I try to say why it doesn't feel that bad but meanwhile they keep stoking the fire inside themselves by thinking about how Horrible things are or not someone has taken advantage of them or how they do everything right but things still turn up wrong and why is

it this always happen to them in other words they never change their internal conversation they never change their internal focus or their physiology they keep feeling like heck but they try to pretend like it's not their denied or disassociated and inevitably this erupts because the more you don't listen to the messages of your Emotions the more intense they get they keep hammering on the door louder and louder to try to get through to you and all of a sudden you feel worse and worse and worse or the third thing I see people do is they

use it for competition you got it bad let me tell you how bad I feel really good to make your life better and here people do a lot of time yeah my work so horrible let me tell you how terrible things are you think that's bad let me show I'll show you terrible And sure enough people get in a match to see how bad they can make each other feel about their own lives you want to stay out of that place hopefully you go with the fourth way of dealing emotions and that is to learn

from them and utilize them now where do they come from do they just attack us like a virus where all of a sudden we feel something or as we all know they come from other people right for example if you feel loving it's because of what somebody Else did they came over and told you they loved you or they hugged you or they touched you a certain way what they kissed you and that's what made you feel loved is that really true the reality is you feel loved because you choose at that moment to create

those feelings within yourself you allow yourself to have those sensations you have some rules some criteria that say when X Y Z happens then I get to feel loved and then at that moment when all those Criteria are met somebody hug you kiss as you said they love you let cetera you then in your own body create these sensations that you call love you release those sensations you put yourself in that physiology at that moment conversely if you feel bad if you feel angry if you feel overwhelmed depressed frustrated lonely all of these emotions are

also created by only one person you you create them by the way You use your physiology in your moment by what you choose to focus on or to be even more specific by the meaning that you attach to any experience in life see what we feel is not based on our experience but again on our interpretation of our experience it's the way we represent our experience that determines how we feel and look again at that word represent it means if we spell it out we present in other words something just happened now after it Happened

you take it into your five senses and you make a Reap resin tation another presentation what happened inside your head the way you represent those events will determine how you feel so against it in this case this woman took the simple act of man open the door with a smile on his face and she represented it inside of her head as he's trying to take advantage of me he's trying to make me less than him he's trying to dominate me in some way we Must be very careful of the meanings we attach to things because

those meanings basically determine the quality of how we feel in our lives we must make sure that the emotions we feel are appropriate but in essence they empower us instead of disempowering us there are no negative emotions there are no bad emotions every emotion serves us as long as we interpret it in a way that adds a powerful meaning to our life something that moves us forward instead of Backwards and that's the essence what I want to do with you in this tape so why don't we have emotions in the first place what's their purpose

especially why do we have these painful emotions you might say I know what these powerful positive emotions are for because I deserve ecstasy well I agree with you you deserve to feel great and they're a reward system and some people have pain as if it were the punishment system and sometimes it is when we don't follow our Own rules we don't live by our own values by our own life standards then we certainly give ourselves pain as a way to keep ourselves on track we want to avoid pain but I think negative emotions serve a

very powerful positive purpose negative emotions are a signal that a change is needed let's think about this for a moment when you feel an emotion like fear and emotion the most people try to avoid at all cost because it's just too painful Or any variant of that emotion like worry or concern or terror when you feel those emotions those emotions are giving you a signal rather than just try to avoid the feelings you should listen for and notice the signal and utilize it the signal of fear is you must prepare with a valuable signal it's

in your body for a reason it's saying to you that something may be coming in the near future that you're going to be prepared for even prepared to cope with or Prepared to deal with that's valuable information we don't want to deny that emotion we don't want to avoid it and pretend it's not there that's how people get in trouble emotionally physically financially in their relationships they don't want to feel the fear that the relationships not working out so they pretend it's still going great until one day they find themselves five feet from Niagara Falls

in a boat north and going oh shoot it's too late they take an Emotional fall a relationship fall make sure that these emotions serve you and the way to make them serve you I think is to realize that every emotion has a message for you and what you want to do is not make it wrong not avoid it not freaked out about it not make yourself long for feeling it but to do six things number one identify what the emotion is to acknowledge and appreciate the message it's offering you three get incredibly curious about what

it's Offering you in other words how could you use this to make your life better this really what you want and do you need to change the way you're looking at the world you need to change the way you're acting you need to change where you're communicating and then four get yourself to feel reassured by seeing that hey you've worked this out in the past you've made it through this emotion before five get yourself certain that you can handle anything like it in the Future by rehearsing using this emotion as a tool of empowerment and

six take action and change your whole life those six tools that I just went through real fast are in essence what we're going to learn to utilize not just in changing how we feel but using how we feel even those negative feelings to make our life better so what I'd like to do in this session at least just for the sake of our conversation and for our ability to deal with our emotions is to take and Create a model for each other I'm model that I've created where basically I fit all emotions into ten categories

now the challenge with this is we all have different labels for what a feeling means so yours may not agree with the ones I'm putting down but just for our ability to have a conversation and for our ability to deal with their emotions we're going to say there are 10 types of emotions just for the sake of conversation is that okay with you I hear yes I just hallucinate that's another kind of emotion I guess but here are the 10 emotions and I'd like you to jot them down so if you don't have a paper

and pencil stop now and grab one I'll wait for one moment oh what's up welcome back here are the 10 categories of emotions here's the first one uncomfortable emotions it's a pretty big category you're right but I'm basically describing here emotions that don't have a tremendous amount of intensity but They do bug you they bother feelings of boredom for example or being impatient or uneasy or distressed or maybe mildly embarrassed would probably fit under uncomfortable for most people the second category of emotions would be the emotions of fear those could be things like concern apprehension

worry anxiety feeling scared or even terrified these are all different types of emotions that we're going to relate for sake of our conversation to fear the third category Of emotion I call hurt any kind of feeling you would link to hurt and we're going to talk about how most of our feelings of hurt come from a sense of loss fourth category anger and anger again has a large variety everything from mildly irritated - angry - livid - resentful the furious - enraged anything in that category we're going to talk about as an anger emotion fifthly

emotions of frustration these are any emotions you would link to being held Back or hindered in your pursuit of something sixth emotions of disappointment anything that makes you really sad or defeated as a result of something you expect that they didn't work out well seven guilt emotions may be another way of describing and there would be the emotions of regret number eight feelings of inadequacy any emotion you've ever experienced it would consider causing you to feel like you're a less man or unworthy would fit in this Category we call inadequate number nine feelings of being

overloaded now again overloaded I'm using a make it soft but mostly emotions should probably link in here with the feelings of being overwhelmed or even hopeless or depressed anything that makes you feel like there's more than you can possibly deal with within the overloaded category of emotion and lastly number 10 lonely emotions anything makes you feel alone like you're lonely like you're apart From our separate thumb would fit into this category so again the ten are one uncomfortable feelings to any feelings of fear three any feelings of hurt for any feelings of anger five any

feelings of frustration six any feelings you would link to disappointment seven the category of guilt and regret eight feelings of inadequacy nine feelings of overload overwhelmed hopelessness or depression and 10 any feelings you linked to Loneliness all these emotions these categories of emotions are there for a reason and they're to give us a message a message that something needs to change now one of two things has got to be changed we're feeling any of these emotions and before I tell you this let's make sure you're enrolled here how would you feel in your life if

you knew no matter what emotion you felt it is okay am i feeling uncomfortable or is that a feeling of fear or is that hurt Feeling or an anger type of feeling or frustrated type of feeling or disappointed or a guilty or inadequate or overloaded or lonely feeling how would you feel if you knew in a moment or two you could instantly get out of that feeling no matter how intense it had been whatever useful then stick with me okay because I know this may seem a little bit cumbersome first listen to me carefully at

any moment you feel any emotion the first step you're going to Always want to take to master your emotions first step always will be to identify the signal what I mean to identify the signal is figure out if you're having a feeling which one of these categories does it go into so let's take a look at how this might work let's say something happens between you and a loved one and as a result you feel rejected you look at your list of ten here and you say reject it's not on here Tony small step number

one is identify Which category at most fits well when you feel rejected you really could feel a lot of things about that rejection you might feel uncomfortable you might feel actually hurt or you might feel angry about it or as a result of rejection you might feel lonely what I'm trying to do is get down to the core emotion that really is controlling you rather than just this giant word called rejection which really isn't the essence of what You're feeling as you go down you look through your list and by the way I know you're

not good at this list jacket is brand new but you'll memorize it simply by listening this tape over and over again by the end of this conversation hopefully you'll know the ten I'll keep saying them again for repetition sake what we're going to call them from now on is action signals because that's exactly what they do they are signals for you to take action to reevaluate the Way you're perceiving something or the way you're proceeding the way you're communicating your feelings to other people or the way you're behaving around other people or situations in other

words they're going to tell us we got to make a change in order to get what we really want and that's what these action signals are all about they're not negative they're not bad they're there to serve us but for now let's come back to the example we said step number one That always is identify the signal that simply means where does it fit in here so in this example we've said that rejection really was just uncomfortable for you maybe what happened is you turn to kiss your husband or wife and they were busy reading

or writing or something and they didn't really reciprocate you felt you know kind of comfort about that you didn't feel lonely you didn't feel hurt you didn't feel angry just feel uncomfortable the Signal being uncomfortable is calling to your attention a message and the message of uncomfortable feelings is one realize you need to change your state the right now no matter what happens in the state you're in you're not going to appreciate it you're not going to be resourceful and understanding what things really mean say for example you're feeling in a state of being uncomfortable

about that you're going to start hallucinating oh gosh my husband or wife you know they Didn't they weren't really loving to me you know that means they're not interested in me anymore does that mean that you know that our relationships not as strong we tend to hallucinate when we get an unrestored state so when you feel uncomfortable first message from that signal is hey change your state second clarify what you want immediately you got to clarify what you want that's what the signal is trying to tell you so yeah don't just be in comfortable what

do you Want if you want your husband or wife to be closer to get clear that's what you want and step three immediately take action in that direction and the way to take action in that direction is communicate your desire or do something that expresses it make sure you do something until you achieve what you want and you're no longer uncomfortable it's literally that simple don't just sit around and go gosh I feel bored I feel foolish I feel insecure You know I feel kind of rejected I feel uncomfortable say great I need to change

my state the fact that I'm uncomfortable is a signal it's giving me a message to immediately change my state to clarify what I want and three take action in that direction if you do that you conquer this emotion immediately let's say you felt rejected to the point where you called it hurt you really felt hurt inside or what's the message of hurt when you feel the sensation you call Hurt feelings that signal is giving you a different message and the message there is that there's an expectation you have that's not been met and you have

a sense of loss that's why it's more intense than just being uncomfortable feel like you've actually lost something now a challenge with this as with all these emotions is that when you identify the message you must immediately clarify what has to be changed whenever you have what you used to call a negative emotion You're now going to call an action signal you know that that action signal seemingly you need to change one of two things either your perception or your procedure I want to clarify what I mean by that your perception might be for example

that gosh you feel hurt you feel like your husband doesn't love you so much anymore a wife doesn't love you so much anymore because gosh when you first met boy all you had to do is you know look at them and they drop the newspaper And came over and hugged you now they don't you have a sense of loss and that hurts you inside and that hurt is a lot more painful than the feelings of just being uncomfortable the point though is this is this an appropriate emotion for you to feel based on this situation

and this time with this person that's really the question we want to ask ourselves whenever we have an emotion we know that we have that signal we need to first identify it and then secondly Immediately appreciate this signal is offering us a message and the messages we need to change again our perception or our procedures so our perception might be person doesn't love me do we need to change our perception do we have some rules that are inappropriate in this situation and the answer here probably is yes when you agree this person has just wrapped

up on what they're doing because they're just immersed it doesn't mean they love you Any less what this emotion is telling you is you need to change your perception because otherwise you're going to feel pain for no reason you might also look at the same situation as a symbol that you need to change your procedure procedure means the way you're proceeding with this information in other words what this may be is a signal to you that you really aren't communicating your real needs to your husband or your wife maybe what you Need to do is

change your procedure and instead of feeling hurt or instead of feeling uncomfortable turn ears analyze and say honey you know I know you wrapped up in your work I know you're totally immersed I know you're trying to do stuff that support the whole family here but you know what I just need you know three minutes with just you just you and I because I really need right now to just feel loved by you I need to hold you I need to feel connected to you Now if that person starts to get upset obviously you're getting

feedback that your procedure still didn't work you have to be a little more flexible a little more creative or maybe a little bit more loving in the way you do it or maybe change the timing what you go about something but that's changing procedure changing the way you communicate or another way of changing procedure might be if the signal it says but the way you're communicating your Husband or wife doesn't make them want to make you feel loved right now that your present behavior may be turning them off for example let's say you feel rejected

by them because when you come in the door they don't rush up and give you a hug they're immersed in something how do you respond to that well what a lot of people do when they feel rejected is they feel uncomfortable with it or they feel hurt or some people get angry when they feel rejected now what's the Message of anger the message of anger is you have a standard for your life something that's important to you and it's not being met by another person or maybe even not being met by you sometimes I get

angry because we're not living our own standard time so let's say as a result one of your standards is that people who love you they run up and they greet you in your home they don't do that today will you feel angry one of your standards is been violated Something you believe important is not happening and now you're angry about it how do you respond out of your spouse who doesn't even know what's going on maybe you give them a dirty look or maybe you make some snide remark or you find something wrong with what

they're doing as a result this person may very well purposely reject you now when you're feeling this rejection you're feeling this hurt or there's anger and you say okay this anger means I have a Message here a signal signals I need to change either my perception or my procedure maybe you don't need to change your perception maybe they really are rejecting you deliberately maybe the procedure is not only how you communicate but how you're behaving maybe you need to look and say you know I'm not treating this person in a very loving way no wonder

they're giving me this feedback I need to change me I Follow me so far so we're always getting the message we're identifying the signal we're appreciating the message and knowing the message is telling us we either need to change our perception or our procedure way we're communicating the way we're behavior I know this may sound complex at first but I believe this tape back and listen to little section a couple of times you'll get this down I want to change you to my perception on my procedure the way I'm Communicating this person or the way

I'm behaving well just go when I'm looking at the whole darn thing and making it so I don't have pain I need to look at things communicate or behave in a new way that's the message of pain let me say that again because I think you'll get this one if you're feeling pain it's a message you need to change the way you're looking at things and therefore what they mean to you or change the way you're communicating your desires or Needs to someone especially if the pain involves somebody else or change the way you're behaving

the way you're treating others and that'll get you a new response that's an essence the basis of all these action messages they're telling you you got to set a new outcome and move in a new direction otherwise you're going to stay in pain and by the way let me mention something too if you ignore a message if you ignore one of these signals on these action signals Would it be the signal feeling hurt or fearful or angry or frustrated disappointed or overloaded that signal doesn't go away it intensifies you'll feel even more hurt even more

angry it intensifies until one day you get smart enough say hey I got to change something here I'm going to change my expectations the way I'm evaluating this thing the way I'm looking at things the way I'm feeling about it or the way I'm communicating what I need are going to Change the way I'm behaving period I'm going to keep feeling this until I make one of those three changes it's that simple next once you've identified the signal ie you've been identified you said I was feeling rejected and what that really means is I'm feeling

uncomfortable or it really means I'm feeling heard or angry or lonely or whatever then the second step is appreciate the message respect that emotion don't make your emotion wrong so Many times I said well I don't want to feel rejected or I don't want to feel bad I don't feel angry at all it'll hurt don't do that I appreciate it has a message for you it means you got to change but it also means something very specific depending upon which emotion of these 10 categories so before we go any further let me review with you

what the messages are that each one of these ten signals is giving you we've already said That if you're uncomfortable the message is simple you got to change your state clarify what you want and take action in the direction of what you want and immediately you won't be uncomfortable anymore if you're feeling category number two emotions of fear whether it be concern or apprehension or worry or anxiety or scared or frightened or terrified no matter what intensity it is any one of those still are fearful emotions and fear emotions deliver one Message to us we

need to prepare ourselves to deal with something or to avoid the negative consequences of something that's coming up something is about to happen a situation or event basically fear is get prepared get yourself so you can deal with something and that's a valuable message isn't it now the problem is what most of us do is we get fearful and we don't take the message we either try to deny to fear and act like we're real strong and all It does is get stronger and stronger or worse we just surrender the fear and we don't get

the message all we do is we get caught up in the emotion and I get more and more scared and we amplify it we start thinking about the worst that can happen rather than figuring out okay what do I need to do to be prepared to avoid the negative consequences and make this work for example people out fear failure that's a valuable fear it's in get prepared so you won't fail for Example you might have a fear because the IRS is coming to visit you and you get a little note in the mail you get

this feeling of anxiety that's probably useful fear is probably saying to you hey you better go get all your paperwork in order if you didn't have that message it wasn't painful enough you might fluff it off they might show up and it may cost you a lot of money not because you weren't accurate or honest because you weren't prepared Sending happens if somebody asked you to give a speech and you'll fear inside maybe it grows into anxiety the more intense it gets the more we tend to surrender to the emotion rather than get the message

that's why we may want to convert clearance they want a little concerned what I'm concerned about is I need to prepare for the speech so I do the best possible job and I'll feel confidence that a fearful now again with each of these emotions we want to hear The message and sees the message of appropriate you may already be prepared you may be as prepared as you can get there's a limit to what you can do right there's a point we have to have some faith at that point you might just have to say you

know what this is a message I need to change my perceptions not my procedures I'm prepared by my procedures I know what to do I know how to do it but I got to stop focusing on this thing being the worst possible situation I Just needed to decide to become confident now to focus on it working instead of it not working the third category of emotions those of hurt feelings give us a signal and a message that says you have an expectation that's not been met and you have a feeling of loss ie you expected

somebody to keep their word and they didn't that hurt your feelings or you expected someone never to share something that you told them privately We told somebody else and now you feel hurt you feel a sense of loss of intimacy with them or loss of trust and that sense of losses would create that feeling of hurt inside of us what do we need to do it tells us immediately we have to evaluate is there really a loss here again do we need to change our perception maybe you just didn't communicate to this person that when

you were told in this you wanted them to keep this information private maybe Haven't lost anything maybe you just have to change your way of communicating your needs or again change your behavior the next category of anger that's the fourth category and again emotions like irritation or feeling livid or furious or enraged or resentful all of these fit into this category any of these emotions are simply signals giving you a message and the message here is that an important rule that you have in your life has been violated by someone else Or maybe even by

you see when we think something is really important if somebody violates that rule we get upset about it how we deal with that upset will determine a great deal how much pain or pleasure we really experience in our lives and how close we get to other people how much we push them away from us in other words if somebody violates your standards that's the message what you're supposed to do with that message is real simple communicate that You have a standard communicate that you know it's only your rule it isn't necessarily their rule but you

need their help so if we use the earlier example where you shared something in confidence with someone but you didn't tell them what was incompetent you expected to know that and you didn't just go hurt you felt angry about it then the bottom line is instead of beating that person up you need to go to that person and Communicate in a different way right change the way you're communicating change your procedure and so you know I know you didn't understand this to be private but this is really important to me and you need to deal

with it as quickly as possible anger is usually an outgrowth of hurt in other words when you're hurt you have a feeling of loss something you expect you didn't work out when you're angry it's because it's something you think is Really important that wasn't handled or you've got a lot of hurts that have built up and you've not expressed them you've not communicated them so anger is usually signal if something you believe is really important it's been violated by someone or yourself or that you've had a lot of hurts that you've not expressed that have

built up until the anger how do you deal with it change your perception maybe this person wasn't trying to hurt you at all change your Procedure communicate better what your real needs are or change your behavior tell people upfront hey this is private promise me you won't share those in anybody because it's real important to me either way you'll get out of your anger quickly it's simply a signal that says you need to clarify one of the people what your rules are and get them to agree to meet them or you need to compromise them

possibly you know something you get angry about you're Going to get angry about for the rest of your life and you better identify those things and realize that those are just your standards they're not everybody standards and if you go around being upset because everyone doesn't live by your rules you're going to be upset your whole life so again maybe you need to change your perceptions change your rules so the life is what simple and what was painful for you the fifth category of emotions frustration these Action signals are telling you you need to change

your approach to achieving your goal whatever you're going after you're not going to get it the way you're doing it right now that's why you're frustrated you keep trying to get the same result by doing the same thing over and over again there was a definition given a long time ago about insanity it's an insanity is attempting to get a new result by doing the same thing over And over again it'll never work so you've got to change your approach when you feel frustrated just know hey that's a message I'm going to change my approach

I need to be more flexible in the situation category number six disappointment if you start to feel disappointed that's a signal and that signal to bringing you a message and the message is that you need to realize an expectation you had an out come you're going after is not going to Probably happen unless you change your expectation and make it more appropriate for the situation at hand in other words maybe you wanted something to happen in too short a period of time realize disappointment says you need to change your expectations you needs change simply your

view of things and come up with a more appropriate outcome for the time that you have involved the people you have involved a situation you have involved so that's the message listen to It utilize it don't keep refinancing disappointment and stacking it till you feel overloaded overwhelmed or hopeless or inadequate but your emotions we'll talk about later but first let's talk about the next one the seventh major category of emotions are guilt or regret emotions hey when you've got feelings of guilt or regret lot of people say well don't feel guilty about anything Garbage guilt

serves you if you hear the message and the message of guilt is really simple it says you've violated one of your own standards and you must do something immediately to ensure that you're not going to violate again in the future that's why you have the pain of guilt now what most people do is they do one of the other they either deny the guilt take themself out of it and don't feel guilty at all which you know I agree you shouldn't stay in guilt but if You just deny the guilt and don't get the message

the guilt is going to come back it'll get you sooner or later it's back there it's deep it's dark it'll get you so it had fear maybe you should turn that fear into getting the message instead of being overwhelmed and again surrendering the guilt at the other extreme fielder's walk around me and they allow themselves in to feel inferior for the rest of their life they feel so regretful about what they once Did that is not the purpose of guilt it's to make sure you clean up your act is to make sure that you don't

violate this again it's that you make things right when you screw up that's what you got to do now sometimes you can't sometimes someone has passed away or something's occurred where you feel guilty about something out in the past you really can't change the only thing you can change is your present and future behaviors when you do that you Can let go of the guilt but that's the message it offers you and again when you immediately feel the signal what do you do you identify the signal and you realize hey I'm feeling regret or I'm

feeling guilt secondly you appreciate the message it's a message that says you need to change something either your perception or your procedures maybe your feeling about something you shouldn't feel guilty about at all have you ever done That I know I have I got so guilty one time because I didn't help somebody feel happy enough I used to run around if everybody around me wasn't happy I feel guilty if I felt good how stupid we don't want to fall into that category you might want to change your rules or your perceptions or you might need

to change your procedures again maybe the procedure is you feel guilty about the way you communicate at somebody you were too harsh go back and clean it up say Hey I'm sorry I didn't mean to do this I really regret what I said I was wrong or the guilt will disappear or change your behavior in the future change the way you're going to communicate to that person or people like them any one of these three changes again will immediately eliminate the guilt and then guilt to serve a good purpose hasn't it it's kept you on

track it's moved you forward it's made you a better person that's why fair utilize it don't wallow In it let's go to category number eight an adequacy well if you feel inadequate those are any of those emotions again that make you feel like you're less than feelings of being unworthy for example would be inadequate feelings whenever you feel this emotion or emotion like it get excited appreciate it's offering you a message and the message it's offering you is simple it's saying you need to do something to get better in this category right away it doesn't

mean you have to Be perfect at it and adequacy just says you've got to do something don't sit on your destiny more you're feeling inadequate because you haven't done anything to be really good in this area now the first thing you got to do is as you go through this process is ask yourself is this really an appropriate emotion that is am I really inadequate or do I need to change the way I'm perceiving things maybe I got some rules that say in order for me to be adequate You know I have to go on

the dance floor and outdo John Travolta because that's probably inappropriate perceptions you need to change the perceptions or maybe changing the procedures which is all I need to prepare myself by doing something right now to get better one thing you could do is just go practice one thing you do is go out and initiate some communication so inadequacy is a message to get up and do something to become better or to change your criteria To look at what you're doing and make it easier for yourself to feel adequate you probably got rules that are too

harsh now category number nine this is one of the categories that I think immobilizes and destroys more people live than virtually any of the others combined and that is a feeling of being overloaded or over elms or hopeless or depressed they all fit together I use overloaded to make it sound simpler because if you say gosh I'm depressed you'll immediately feel much more intensity than if you say I'm overloaded the key here is to realize that this is a signal when you feel hopeless depressed overwhelmed or overloaded the message that's offering you it is that

you need to re-evaluate what's most important to you in this situation sit down right now and decide what is absolutely important what's the necessity for you versus what's a desire write down all the things that are most Important for you to accomplish then to put them in order of priority and then three take the first one on your list and do something about it it's the same thing with depression the same thing for being hopeless sit down and saying okay instead of thing it's hopeless I need to change my state number one that's always the

message of all these emotions number two I got to clarify what's most important to me write it all out three what's the order of the importance and Four what's the first thing on my list let me go handle that the minute you go handle anything and you deal with one simple issue your brain can handle it and as soon as you handle that situation you will feel like you're control of your world you will not feel overloaded you will not feel overwhelmed you will feel like there's hope and you won't feel depressed your self-esteem grows

when you do something to take control of events instead of have events take Control of you and all you to take control of vince's chunk them down pick one thing and master it the message is simple you're trying to do too much and too short a period of time you're looking at the whole world and expecting everything to be perfect overnight and you're feeling like you can't handle it all chuck it down here's the final category category ten feeling lonely have you ever felt really lonely gosh I don't think there's anybody alive who Hasn't but

what does it mean when you feel lonely what is the message that you should get from that signal I think the message is really simple what we really need at that moment the message is telling us we need a certain connection with people the challenge with that message is a lot of times people take the word connection or the idea of the need for a connection another human being and they make it into a sexual connection or instant intimacy and then Feel frustrated because even when they have that they still feel lonely what we really

need to do is identify what kind of connection maybe you do need an intimate connection maybe just need some basic friendship or someone to listen to or somebody to laugh with or someone to talk to it's real important with alone they just say hey this is really neat what's great about being lonely is it says I really care about people I love To be with people and they need to find out what way I want to be with somebody right now and then take an action immediately to go in the direction we want in other

words all 10 of these emotions are a message to our brain to say hey what you're doing right now isn't working and you need to change it either change your perception and change what criteria you're using your way of looking at things that makes you feel this way because your perception is not Appropriate or change what you're communicating you're not communicating things in a way where people know your needs or just change your behavior what you're doing is working change your approach every feeling you have good or bad is not based on the actual reality

of life but rather your interpretation as to what things mean and remember nothing life has any meaning except the meaning you give it so if you don't like the way you're feeling change the Meaning if somebody passes away you really cared about them and I you can feel really bad you can feel disappointed you can feel frustrating feel angry you can feel hurt you can feel sad and all those are appropriate emotions but make sure you take a message from it and the message you've got eventually come out with it is what's an empowering way

of looking at this what else could this mean maybe it doesn't mean and I just lost somebody Maybe it means this person has gone someplace they need to be or maybe this means my connection will be even stronger with them now and when they were here maybe this means I will value my own life and give them along here because I realize delicate choose meaning them how are you in life that have asked zooming that meanings that dysentery the final message to remember