How to Argue with Strong Personalities

we all know one and in fact we might just be one ourselves today's episode is all about how to communicate with and handle a strong personality welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything if you like improving your communication I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast and if you would leave a review I'm excited to announce and share that my book the next conversation is officially out on pre-order it's a book that is going to teach you how to say things

with control to say it with confidence and as always say it to connect it's a book that's going to help you change your life one conversation at a time when it comes to handling that strong personality in your world number one don't sweat the small stuff don't attend every argument that you're invited to people that are strong personalities like to make issues of every little thing and it is up to you whether you take that bait or not arguments are often like chess you have to give up some pieces in order to win so don't

sweat the small stuff number two don't take it personally don't take it personally people who have strong personalities often don't know that they're coming on that strong it's just a product of their nature so if you take it personally you are going into the area of no return where you're going to find that you are at the bottom of a Vortex and you're asking how did I even get here it's because you took it personally we're going to talk about how to separate the person from the problem and that's why number three we're going to

give talk about phrases that help cue this strong personality to back off nicely respectfully U cues such as is this something we have to agree on is this something we have to agree on or are you asking me to agree with you or do I need to agree with you you are letting them know that they are being a little bit too pushy coming on a little bit too strong and they need to back off just because it's a strong personality does not mean it's a bad personality there are plenty of people out there that

are wonderful they just have strong personalities they come on really strong and that can happen for any number of issues maybe it's part of their nature it's what they grew up in I'm in a family of strong personalities I'm surrounded by attorneys in the legal world all very strong personalities it might be a a symptom of or a consequence of that's how they control their surroundings that's how they operate again it's part of their nature and if you leverage a strong personality they can do wonderful things many successful people are strong personalities so it is

not something I I I want to make sure that you understand I am not saying that a strong personality is something negative it is something that can be highly positive I'm a strong personality all right but it is in these moments where you're are having an argument or a conflict or a disagreement that you tend to take that strong personality as something negative I want you to stay away from that strong personalities are something that can be very positive and benefit any environment that they're in I want to talk more on number one don't sweat

the small stuff now you might say Jefferson that's easier said than done I know I know now in my world my dad would a when I'd come to him with issues um and say this is what's happening and um I'm maybe I'm arguing with my mom as a teenager or when my siblings my dad would say don't make it your Alamo don't make that your Alamo in other words is he was cute me of this is this issue really something that you want to die on is this the hill that you want to die on

is this what you're going to put your flag in the ground and say I'm not moving from this often that question would make me go you know what yeah you're right that's not that's not that important often that that's just part of human nature we find ways to go they're not doing what I want so I'm going to argue with them and now it's their fault and that often just causes a whole lot of problems in our life that can be avoided if we just don't sweat the small stuff maybe it's that moving the couch

you know to the other side of the room maybe it's a different detergent maybe somebody sat in your seat when you just got up little things that in reality they don't matter and the more you find that you sweat the small stuff you make an argument out of everything and you attend every argument you're invited to it's going to slowly erode your peace of mind you're going to be more and more sensitive you're going to be more and more um on attack mode and on the offense all the time and it's just not worth it

and that goes hand in hand with the concept of not taking it personally when somebody with a strong personality is coming on and wanting their way and pushing the question that I like to ask myself is what does this person need what do they need what are they needing in this moment what are they uh not just for me but from the whole context of the conversation maybe it's they need to feel like they're secure maybe they need to feel like they have confidence maybe they need that sense of control maybe there is the unknown

that they need a few things there's always some kind of hidden need that is beneath the surface of their personality because you and I both know people that have very strong personalities at the same time can be entirely insecure and so it's that insecurity that is driving and forcing that so ask the question and find out whether or not where is this push comeing from when we say somebody's a strong personality it's often because we say it feels like they're pushing in the conversation they're always pushing their opinion pushing their point of view and and

there's no neutral territory for us to talk in so often you have to separate that person from the problem meaning instead of saying God you're so pushy you you you you talk about their character you never listen to me you always want your way instead of the you you're talking about the problem meaning you're talking about the issue itself let's get back to the issue at hand I want to talk about the issue let's talk about what you're needing out of this conversation what I need out of this conversation instead of focusing on talking and

disparaging each other's character and the phrases that have always worked for me are what I call cues I've mentioned that several times in this episode these are just questions that I ask and they're really statements that sound like a question that I'm I'm using to prompt them to look at themselves that's that's the point instead of me pushing something like using an arrow to shoot at them I'm using a mirror to get them to listen to themselves for example if somebody's strong personality is trying to push something onto me I will use the question is

this something we have to agree on is this something we have to agree on usually the answer is no almost always the answer is no they're just talking about it to talk about it if by chance the answer is yes this is something we have to agree on I follow that up with well is this something we need to agree on right now is this something we have to agree on now that adds the component component of timing because often it's not the right time people with strong personalities push time frames on you they want

you to have that conversation when they want to have that conversation that doesn't mean it's right for you so often you need to have that conversation when you're ready too so when you can prompt them by saying is this something we have to agree on now almost always the answer to that is no they're going to say no I mean we we can talk about this later you're right we can talk about this later and nine times out of 10 whatever was so important to that strong personality right there in that moment in a few

hours it's not that important the next day totally forgotten when you can delay it not with the small stuff and not take it personally it takes away the teeth out of it some other questions that have helped me in the past is asking them is this something that we need to agree on at this moment um I'm asking them do we need to agree on this are you asking me to agree to this that's what I typically go with I'll ask do you need me to agree with you are you asking me to agree with

you do I need to agree with you on this I'm just pushing that question to them of saying hey you understand that you're pushing your own opinion are you asking me to agree do I need to agree with you often the answer is no accuse them that they're being a little bit too pushy in the conversation and they will back off the answer I typically get is no no no no no I you know I'm just wondering about that's what you want you want that no no no no no I I what I mean what

I'm just trying to say is and it backs them off and lets them know that they're coming on just a little too strong now we're at one of my favorite parts of the podcast and that's when I get to read a question from a follower I have a Weekly Newsletter where I send out a email right to your inbox once a week that gives a short concise communication tip if you're not part of that newsletter you're going to find it there in the show notes below uh I get to ask you know get a question

from a follower and I pick one out this one right here let me pull out my phone this one is from Shannon in Dallas she says Jefferson thank you so much for your content thanks Shannon I have an issue with an overbearing father-in-law he always tries to push his opinion onto me especially if it's only he and I in the room and nobody else is around he's trying to get me to agree with his side whether it's politics or how things should be done around the house or my role any advice would be helpful Shannon

I hear you and that's difficult that is a strong personality especially in-laws in-laws can you know they typically have strong personalities it doesn't mean it's bad it's it's often good here's what I'm going to recommend to you anytime one I'm assuming I'm going to make some assumptions number one I'm assuming that the conversation is appropriate meaning he's talking about something that is okay to talk about he's not asking inappropriate questions he's not pushing something that is making you super uncomfortable he just has a pushy strong personality what I'm going to recommend to you is one

you use the question of is this something we have to agree on is this something we have to agree on or are you asking me to agree with you are you asking me to agree with you often the answer you're going to find and I I'll be surprised if it's not the answer that you're going to get is no no no no I'm just you know I'm just asking I'm just you know wondering your thoughts on this it's okay to to prompt them with those questions but often you'll find they'll move on cuz you're indicating

to them that he's being a little bit too pushy in the conversation here's another thought that's coming to my mind often you can frame a conversation in a way that allows them not to have that control in the first place so if you find that he raises an issue and he's trying to push something on you and you want to get out of it you need to tell him how you want the conversation to end meaning you call your shot ahead of time you're just telling them how you want the conversation to end and it

sounds like this if you're getting into that conversation and you find maybe you're 2 minutes into it you go look I want to walk away from this conversation with us with the understanding that this is going to be this way or this isn't going to change I want you to have I want to walk away with the understanding of I want to walk away is the key phrase I want to in this conversation understanding blah blah blah I want to walk away from this conversation with X Y and Z it's not you actually walking away

I'm not saying you leave the conversation though if you need to you certainly could it is the idea of I am telling you right now how I want this conversation to end and that's how this is going to go period that way they can't guide it anywhere else you're saying look I want to end this conversation with let's say his name with Carl I don't know you said Carl look I I want to end this conversation with you and I on good terms all right Carl I want to end this conversation and us have a

great day I want to walk away with this conversation feeling good I want to walk away from this conversation excited for the dinner we're about to have he find ways to to cue them out of saying look this is where I want to end this conversation don't take us to a bad place don't take us to where somewhere difficult it's okay to have a strong personality but understand that on the end of it I want to come away with a positive takeaway that's going to preserve both of our Peace of Minds all right Shana thank

you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast if you enjoyed today's episode I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast and if you would leave a review it really means a lot to me of course my book is on pre-order right now the next conversation you can find it at pretty much any retailer wherever you like to get your books and you can listen to this podcast wherever you like to listen whether it's on Amazon Spotify Apple any of them and as always you can try that and follow me