this is where it gets really like it's complicated but it's not complicated and that's really what I want to talk to you about is that the phrase is Just Not That Into You when that phrase came out me and my husband had this big massive debate about that phrase because he was like yes like if you're wondering why he's not making a move He's Just Not That Into You it's as simple as and what I came back as like but sometimes you say it's as simple as and other times it's not because you're giving me
signals you're telling me you want to be with me sometimes you are but then you disappear again and so it seems like it's very messy it's very intertwined with messaging and signals on both sides I'm not actually saying Just For Men it's also the women I'm sure um so how do we know when something isn't that complicated and it is exactly how they say and other times it's actually way more complicated and there's this whole underlying message that maybe we're trying to read into or want to read into how do we decipher those things life
can be complicated and sometimes people will come up with all sorts of logical reasons why they can't invest right now why they need to take a break why are they you know whatever logistical difficulties there are in the two of you being together you're far apart you that person runs their own business and they haven't got much time whatever it may be they may be giving you logically sound reasons as to why it's they're not able to give you what you want or why they would be doing this but and then what happens is people
get entangled in all of that logic and I think the way to simplify that and make it uncomplicated is simply to say whether or not this logic is true is not for me to figure out so many women take on the problem you tell me it can't work out because of these reasons and I see a problem to solve so they'll go so you're saying that we can't be together because of because you're really busy with work well listen I could do this and you could do that and we could find time on weekends we
could like they'd start trying to solve the problem and part of that is because they've created an expectation in their mind for what this could be right we have a story story is very dangerous right because instead of watching in a relationship or dating scenario instead of watching a story unfold we've created the story before it's happened people do this before they even get on a first date right they you you see some someone asks you out you start talking to someone and then you look them up on Instagram and oh wow oh they're really
cool oh they're impressive oh they seem nice too oh they have family and they're close to those people and like they have a good life and wow this is exactly the kind of person I want I think me and this person could really have some you've only been on a date with them yet right so now what happens is our mind takes the five percent of what we know and uses it to build a story for the next 95 percent so now how do you how do we get so damaged so hurt so heartbroken so
quickly that's something that we're like sometimes I think we shock ourselves am I an insane person I've been on one date with this person and I feel like I'm experiencing a mini heartbreak because they didn't get back to me what's happening here that what's happening is we created a story that hasn't been earned yet why do we do that though because we want it on one hand we want it we want it to happen we're a biased judge of the situation we can't be trusted right we we want it to happen so we're trying to
find any evidence for that story that we're looking to create I want to find the love of my life I want to see someone as perfect I want to so we're looking for evidence of that so we start filling in the gaps and our brains it's not like we do this consciously but our brains make so many calculations and we do it in the other direction too we do it you know if if we've got insecurities and someone goes out one night and they don't text us for an hour or two who are they talking
to they're taught they're at that party you know and I knew they were going to go to that party but now that they've not texted me for a couple of hours they're talking to someone attractive I wonder if they're flirting maybe that I think they're flowing two and a half hours they still haven't texted me what the hell now we start building up a a story right and we create this reaction I heard a beautiful thing the other day which is if it's if the reaction is hysterical then it's historical right then then it comes
from our trauma our wounds our history the beliefs that accumulated over time so now what we're reacting to is not the situation but our past the situation is simply the thing that aggravated our past and now we create a story about the future based on that so instead of going in with a curiosity we go in with a conclusion so I need to slow down the story that's happening this super computer is amazing but it's also extremely dangerous because it's creating a story a rate that is unbelievable and the way that you slow down that
story is that you start valuing a different thing instead of valuing potential you start valuing the work that's actually happening in real time there are I always say there's four stages of importance in any relationship or potential relationship between two people the first stage is just admiration right that's where I look at you this person's beautiful this person's intelligent this person's they've got all sorts of qualities that I really want in a person admiration now that doesn't mean there's any kind of back and forth by the way you can have that for someone you've never
met someone you've saw online right but you have a level of admiration that's the first stage of importance clearly not very important although even there people put a ton of importance on it I found someone I like a person you found a person also good to be excited you can be excited but about the right thing you could be excited that you think someone's awesome but not about what you have together yet because you have nothing together so admiration is the first stage the second stage is connection or you could say connection connection or chemistry
or both that's where we have a kind of mutual admiration there's some connection there's some chemistry there's something that's an exchange between us where we both feel something again not very important because you can feel it with a lot of people and that it's no indicator of investment right it that and this is where people get real caught up women tell me the most horrific stories about who a guy is about how little he invests about how much he's disrespectful and but we have such a great connection Matt listen our connection like that's the thing
and they want me to buy into this idea that stage two is super important but I don't because I know it's not the third stage is commitment the third stage is there's admiration there's Mutual connection or chemistry and there's a yes you and I have actually said yes to each other you want to be with me yeah I want to be with you okay we're doing this now there's an actual connect commitment that's beautiful now we're into something important but there's a fourth stage and the fourth stage is compatibility Beyond chemistry Beyond connection Beyond us
both saying yes there also needs to be compatibility in the way we want to live our lives in the stage of Our Lives that we're in do they work you know this is why one of the reasons that relationships with big age gaps can struggle they can work but they also struggle because you've got two people often in very different stages of their lives and there's a compatibility issue there even though there's connection and chemistry and even though they're both saying yes now you have the problem of compatibility issues or you have the problem of
compatibility issues because one person you know their idea of a good time is going out and drinking every night of the week and another person's idea is you know to go on Hikes and to you know be healthy and to they value the morning the other person values the night so now you have a compatibility issue and there are many relationships that end not on the fact that they haven't said yes to each other but on the fact that they're not compatible and we always want to believe that you know love is all you need
right we want to believe that that if we just love each other enough but actually the many many people have experienced in their lives the cold hard truth is that you need two people who also work together and so the reason I say all of this about these four stages and to give you one more kind of metaphor for this because it's important that you know when you meet someone on a date that's like that's like discovering that and you both like each other that's like discovering a great plot of land has potential but there's
nothing to mourn over right now and when two people decide we're going to start investing that's like two Builders who stop building a castle on that land they start building whatever their Castle is you know but they stop building this amazing thing this amazing investment on this land and it becomes theirs becomes ornate and unique and there are secret rooms no one else knows about and there are you know all these details that are the fabric and the colors and the textures of their relationship that makes it uniquely theirs right there's many ways to build
but this one is theirs and that's what makes it special people are not valuing the castle they're valuing the connection they're not valuing stages one through four together they're valuing stage two or stage one just I've just admired this person or I just have a connection with this person and when we start valuing the castle over the connection will start unwinding the story that's gotten too far ahead because we'll realize that story we have on the date where our mind has gone way too far and that's by the way why we get so nervous is
because the story is already happening in our mind and now we're getting nervous like why am I so nervous on this date it's okay to have a little bit of nerves but why am I like now paralyzed I can't be funny I'm not Charming I'm not telling any interesting stories I'm just Frozen why am I that nervous because I've gone way into the future as if the castle has already been built when actually all it is is a fantasy set of blueprints right now if you want to learn the red flags on if he's wasting
your time click here right now I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship that is a giant red flag they are telling you today I am going to hurt you in case you didn't hear I am going to
