I wanted to talk today about one of the most common mistakes that we make when we're really excited about someone we're attracted and we want to bring them closer to us we want to turn it into something lasting and maybe we feel like that person is either a little bit Out Of Reach or we feel like we're not entirely sure of how they feel about us and we find ourselves investing more and more in them to try to secure the relationship in the process what happens is the things that are important in our life right
now whether it's our friends our family our Hobbies the things that give us a sense of value and identity in our lives those things start to fade into the background as we make this person the focus of all of our attention why do we do this well when we really want to find love and we suddenly meet someone who seems to epitomize everything we've been looking for we've decided based on this person's qualities characteristics what they look like how they act that this is the love we've been looking for all of a sudden it feels
like there is nothing more important in the world than securing this thing and we do the one thing in this moment that is the opposite of what we should be doing we should be grounding ourselves in the things that are important in our own life connecting to these things that give us a sense of worth outside of a person and yet we lose connection with all of those things and we get drawn into the gravitational pull of how do I please this person how do I make this person mine how do I make them want
me that instinct to try harder when we want to get someone is actually an instinct that works against us because someone doesn't become more attracted to us or want us more simply because we're trying harder when they feel us trying harder and for some people it makes them kind of pull away a bit or it makes them feel like they can pick us up and put us down whenever they want it makes them feel like they're in control the whole time it makes us even more anxious and then we drift even further from these other
things that matter in our life in an attempt to double down on the energy that we're putting into this person there's a story that Mark Manson talks about in his book The subtle art of not giving and he tells the story of a guy called David Mustaine who got kicked out of the band Metallica and went on to start the band mega death which was a hugely successful band David Mustaine is seen as one of the most influential people in his genre and that band Megadeth went on to sell 25 million albums and Tour the
World several times but he couldn't get it out of his mind that he would never be successful truly successful unless he was able to outdo what his old band Metallica was doing but Metallica were huge they sold 125 million albums and he really struggled with the chasm between where they were and where he perceived himself to be in his success Mark Manson then Compares this story to the story of Pete best a guy who was kicked out of the Beatles but went on to marry and have kids and have a very happy life a happy
life that he described as only being possible because he got kicked out of the Beatles and he wasn't resentful for that he was happy about it he said being kicked out of the Beatles brought me to the life that I now love now what Mark Manson points out is that the difference in why Pete best was able to be happy in a way that David Mustaine wasn't is because Pete best valued different things [Music] and if we want to be happy we have to learn to Value the right things now let's take this back to
the dating scenario when we value more than anything else the idea of finding a person to share our lives with and then we meet a person who represents that dream in the flesh all of a sudden will do anything to make that happen even if it means losing or ignoring all of these other important parts of our life and of course when we ignore certain things we lose connection to them and they don't feel as significant anymore and of course when we divest in them they start to shrink because they're not getting love and attention
from us anymore what we have to do which is very counter-intuitive when we find something we really want is double down on the meaning that we get from these other areas of our life whether it's your hobbies your passions your friends your family the ways you love spending your time the books you love reading things you love to do the things you love to learn about your purpose those things are the things that if you value them well not only bring you a sense of perspective in your life where you go oh my life is
so much bigger than this one area of course I would love for this person to reciprocate and I'd love for it to go somewhere but if it doesn't I have a big rich life these things are incredibly important to me and I have those to fall back on if we do that it's like having legs under the table I want you to imagine that here's your confidence it's like a tabletop and that table top is supported by these pillars or legs under the table and each one of those legs is a different part of your
life that gives you strength that gives you meaning that gives you purpose that gives you love now those are all the things that when we meet someone we want to come with those legs already strong under the table we never want to meet someone in either a not have them or B suddenly decide that the legs under the table we do have aren't important anymore because we found this one really important leg so at the very time that we feel like we found the dream person that's when we have to double down on the areas
of our life that support the table because when that happens we're able to go into that situation as someone's equal knowing that if it doesn't work out I'm good I got legs under the table right you can break I've got more legs under the table I don't need to beg I don't need to try harder than is reasonable I don't need to keep chasing you I'm just gonna bring you my best show you this wonderful life I've created and if that's not enough for you and if you don't give me enough I don't need this
I like to think of confidence the same way we think of Fu money you know when we think of someone who has Fu money what we really describe there is someone who has so much money that they can say no to anything that isn't right for them well I like to think of Fu confidence Fu confidence is when you have so many sturdy legs supporting the table of your confidence that if someone comes along that isn't right for you either because they treat you badly or because they don't invest in you or they show that
they're not sure of you or because you're not sure of them you are able to say no thank you I'm good because you have so many other things in your life that give you meaning and richness and love and importance you don't need that person no matter how sexy they may be however hot they may be or successful or high status you know that nothing could be so sexy that it becomes the most important thing in your life to the detriment of everything else you could be sexy and still be wrong for me and real
confidence isn't the ability to say no to things you don't want real confidence is the ability to say no to things you do want when they're not right for you so here's my my message to you this week if you meet someone who is attractive and they also represent the hope of adding a leg to the table that is really important one that you want to add to the table do the counter-intuitive thing keep investing in these other parts of your life that give you f you confidence that give you the sense that you can
say no at any point if this person isn't right for you if they're not treating you the way that you want to be treated or if they're not giving you much energy they don't have to be behaving badly they might just be not giving you much energy and you realize this isn't enough what this person is giving me isn't enough for me to keep going just because someone impressive comes into your life it doesn't mean that your world is an important it doesn't mean that who you are isn't important it doesn't even matter if someone
comes into your life and they've achieved more than you externally in the tangible results they've gotten they earn more money than you or they achieved a certain level of status that you didn't whatever it may be or even that you just think that they're better looking than you are right sometimes in life we come across people like that we feel like well they're much better looking than me when you come across someone like that you can never ever let it diminish how much of a difference you make in your own life if all you did
was look after your sick brother and that was what you did for your life you still have a big rich life that's important it's yours it's not less important than this person's over here that you've decided is really impressive and you want to attract and if you stay connected to how important your life is how important your world is to the difference you make even in your immediate sphere of influence even in your own local way even in your family if you stay connected to that no one can come along and intimidate you no one
can come along and make you feel like you're not enough or you have to work particularly hard to get their attention because they're hot [ __ ] and you're not stay connected to what is valuable in your life in your world about yourself and then you'll always be coming to someone as they're equal no matter what the differences are in your lives and like I said the way that you do that is at the time when you feel like you want to give up everything else because it's no longer important now that I found this
love at that time that's exactly the time where you have to double down on the things you love alongside falling for the person in front of you investing in yourself is something that makes this a reality you can watch a video like this and it can give you a sense of you know wow that is really important and I've made that mistake in the past I've got lost in a relationship I've allowed myself to be consumed by someone else I have in the moment I started liking someone immediately started undervaluing myself and my life and
what I bring to the table if you've been in that position you know it's about more than watching a video what you have to do is train those muscles in your life invest in yourself and the investment you make in yourself is the greatest investment you'll ever make because people in life come and go there's no guarantee that the person you start dating now that you fall in love with is still going to be in your life later on but you'll still be in your life later on any investment you make in yourself is an
investment that pays off for the rest of your life Warren Buffett was asked what's the greatest investment you've ever made and he said the investment I'm making myself when I've made investments in myself those are the ones that pay dividends for ever because no matter what situation you show up to you bring yourself to that situation so I want you to invest in you and this year I have an experience that you can do with me that represents the ultimate investment in yourself we're going to do it in June from the second to the fourth
we're going to spend three days together and we are going to immerse ourselves in the world of self growth so that whatever situation you come into contact with whatever person you meet you always feel like you're enough you always feel like someone's equal and when you carry that energy that Fu confidence that's exactly the kind of energy that makes someone look at you and say this person's got something and I want to be around it this event is called the virtual Retreat and I want to invite you to come and be a part of it
with me and by the way there is a ticket right now called the self-care special ticket which is only available until March 12th it's a hundred dollars off has a live q a with me before the event and it has a access to a Master Class called The Daily momentum formula that I did where I give you my formula for having an amazing day every day so come grab that before March 12th at mhvirtualretreat.com I can't wait to see you there if you haven't acted yet you already missed the early bird ticket that we had
on offer this is the next best thing do not miss it this round I really hope you make it and I look forward to seeing you in the next video foreign [Music]
