-Okay, gang! If anyone has to use the bathroom, do it now. We've got another two hours before we get to Grandma's.
I'm just gonna fill up the tank. [ Drmatic music plays ] -Fill up? Not all the way, though, right?
-We have to! -But it's $5 a gallon! -I said we have to!
-Kids, we're going to have to leave one of you behind. -What? Why?
-Gas prices, darling. -Dad. .
. why does gas cost so much? -The Epstein Files!
Kidding. But possibly not. It's called butterfly effect, right?
Epstein was first domino. Epstein. Bing-bing bong-bong.
Bing-bing bong-bong-bong. War. Anyway, hi.
It's me, Donald Trump. You might remember me from such campaign promises as "lower gas prices" and "no more wars. " Sike!
We love to make promises. Because a promise is just a lie that hasn't happened yet. But now it has, and gas costs like a million billion dollars a gallon.
And as for the stock market, let me put it in a way that the Harry styles fans in the crowd tonight will understand. [ Cheers and applause ] You guys are gonna love this one. The stock market is going in one direction.
Down! Down, I said. ♪ You don't know, you're broke as hell ♪ Sorry.
I'm not familiar with his newer music. I am straight. Anyway, what were we talking about?
Oh, yes, gas prices, which are very high because of war with Iran, which is where they make gas. I wish someone had told me that. But we will win this war because Iran is old and nobody likes them.
Iran is like ballet and opera and we're Timmy Chalamet. [ Audience groans ] Wow. Kicking 'em while they're down, Timmy.
Which is, frankly, best time to kick. Look at the cast back there. Frozen in one of these.
Look at Marcello. He's still playing kids. He's "SNL's" little Chihuahua.
That sounds racist, but it is. I'm a racist guy. I say racist stuff.
And how about Ashley Padilla? Last name sounds Spanish, but take a look at her, folks. That's the whitest white to ever white.
Haircut! We loved haircut! Point is, I have everything under control, okay?
I've been meeting with the nation's top minds, Jake Paul. He was booed very badly at the Mike Tyson fight. We hate to hear boos.
-Did someone say "booze"? ! Okay, so I had a couple road sodas.
Chill! -Pete Hegseth! As I live and struggle to breathe.
-It's great to see you, Mr President. Before I begin, I just want to thank you sincerely for these beautiful size-16 Florsheim shoes. They fit me like a glove.
-Happy to do it. -Like a clown's glove. If you're wondering why I was in the back seat of this random family's car, I'll tell you the same thing I say when people ask about our plans for Iran: I don't know.
-Isn't that wonderful? Well, I'm going to wander around. -That's great.
Thank you for everything, sir. President called me here today to give you news on the war. Okay?
So listen up! The news is we won! Hashtag winning!
So you can stop asking me all about it, okay? Don't even worry about it. Fuhgedaboutit.
The real problem is all you gaybies. . .
Gay babies. Copyright. All you gaybies in the media are completely unpatriotic, okay?
They're using what I do and say to make me look like a fool. -Been there. I've been there before, bud.
-Yeah. I've been there a lot. You know, the press says we bombed a school?
I just blame it on the ♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, Ayatollah ♪ And also on the alcohol. All you dweebs, stop saying the Strait of Hormuz is closed. It's wide open.
Sure, there's a bunch of landmines floating in the water. Water mines, I guess. But if you're an oil tanker and you're driving it and you see one of the mines, just do what I used to do at every DUI checkpoint: close your eyes and gun it!
-Great advice, Pete. Okay. Anyway, back to the gas-station scene.
Kidding, of course. -Live from New York. it's "Saturday Night"!
