have you ever wondered what it is about someone that just makes them really enjoyable to be around and to talk to I used to be a social misfit and pretty much no one wanted me around so naturally I wrote a document that's almost 100 pages long after looking at countless lectures Studies books interviews and courses and even experimenting on my own doing so I made some very surprising discoveries like just how much advice is wrong as well as two of the most straightforward ways I used to become more charismatic and better with people oh lord
it's good to be here with you Mr right so what does a nearly 100 page document look like well it's long pretty long and it needed a lot of bookmarks cuz I wasn't going to spend 3 days finding what I wanted to work on yeah now of course there's loads and loads of research in here but there's also a lot of my own experiences and how I found that research to apply into my own life working in pretty much only customer service for the past 2 or 3 years made it very easy to practice my
social skills I would say now I'm fairly charismatic I mean I strike up conversations with completely random people and the document was a big help and in it I found out what worked and what didn't and it was all thanks to the one big realization that I made you know I wasn't always super swag and super cool I used to be awful with people I had barely any friends in high school and I didn't get invited to most things I got cut off a lot and no one listened to me I felt anxious and lonely
and I had basically no self-esteem it was bad right going to the shops for me was like climbing Mount Everest for an ant with one leg so one night I got pretty drunk I only just started riding up the document at this point so my social skills were only just starting to get better I was hanging out with this guy that I worked with let's just call him Tom and he was an amazing person excellent with people was just something about him I enjoyed being around him and so did everyone else it seemed it was
like he understood people he made people feel happy I wondered what it was about him so I asked I asked him who raised you and he goes myself I'm an orphan so it turned out this guy doesn't have parents it's pretty embarrassing right but he wanted to say that he doesn't think there's anything special about him what a humble guy but it didn't help it inspired me to go ham on that document because when I talked to him longer I think I figured it out I realized that Tom has different goals from you and I
he has a special mindset and I called this mindset the Heart of Gold it's something I found massively helped me out when I wanted to get better at talking to people which is awesome but what the hell does that even mean people naturally gravitate towards other people that have these kinds of attributes that seems like a lot because it is it's a lot that's a part of Charisma there's a lot going on in it because it's not a thing you can have it's rather a result of having a certain attitude and behavior as well as
good communication skills so the document helped me narrow everything down into the definition of a heart of gold making it way easier for me to become more charismatic so what exactly did I do well let's dive into the two and a half things that I did to become more charismatic he can you land on your back just like down one of the really big things I did was I changed my goals and attitude I asked myself a really big question why do you want to be more charismatic most people purely want to be like liked
or they want approval from others this comes from insecurity because they feel incomplete I felt incomplete I realized that no matter how many people liked me or how much they liked me it would never fill that ho and with that as my main goal I would have gotten nowhere I'd be like a donkey with a carrot in front of it so then I asked myself another question what is the point in trying to be liked if I'm not even enjoying the conversations I'm having why don't I just talk to others to have fun why don't
I just chill out who cares if they don't like me how could they hate me if I just wanted to have a good time that was a really effective goal that I found that Tom had but what does a fun conversation look like and how do you even get that we go day by day battling life on our own with barely anyone to talk to us but there are people out there that make it better and dramatically easier just by being there but how I thought that just listing to people was enough but I realized
that people don't want me to just listen to them that's rude they want me to understand them that's what listening is about but how that's when I came across something called active listening which is a way of listening to someone which basically makes almost everything better it's something that you can practice too I got really good at doing this thanks to a guy called KL Rogers I should make a video about this maybe what what if I already have oh God when people knew they were being heard sometimes they said the most out of pocket
or interesting stuff not only did I learn so much more as a person but it made conversation so much more fun and unique because the other person when they understood that I was listening to them properly they would just go ham they'd say whatever and I believe that's what makes up a good conversation so I changed my goals to not only having a chill and fun time but also to understand people but I was still missing something something that through my research I found was vital to be actually remotely charismatic and I found it to
be the most common trait among the people that I studied I want you to see if you can guess what it is and he's a clue I'm doing it right now now this is something that really sticks out when you do it and I first encountered in high school long before I started this document I made a friend who I'm still friends with now he was really fun to be around when I met him and most people agreed yet he didn't seem to do anything special he wasn't constantly cracking dumb jokes and he wasn't loud
and annoying actually sometimes it was pretty blunt but he was still a joy to be around why what that doesn't make any sense now when I thought I understood it I tried using it and it didn't work it made me look like a complete clown so if you want my advice don't do it unless you really commit to it then you can do it this worked really well once I understood it completely but it was still pretty hard to do yet it led to one of the biggest chapters in the document that I wrote up
and it changed my life too man like wow okay so you know the generic advice you get on the internet like smile Lots give compliments have good eye contact I did that and it really didn't work and that's because I was forcing myself to act like a likable person we're hardwired to really hate fake people even if we don't know why we end up hating them okay so did you guess what it is cuz I kind of need to tell you what it is now that's right it's authenticity I was trying to be myself and
most of this part of the video is unscripted it's just talking points that's all but how can you be more authentic what does that even mean and why is it so good I mean what is that a game from being really vulnerable and weird right it doesn't make any sense you have to be normal I realize that people aren't actors people love being around other people who are themselves and this is because they feel warm comfortable like they can be themselves as well they think if they can do it I can do it and this
makes with some really fun conversations people get real that's what we need Carl Rogers also talked about the amazing effects that happen when you be your positive self around people not only did I make friends easier but it just made my life easier I wasn't stressing about how to act all the time and it just made everything happen naturally and people love this stuff because when it's real it matters okay so how did I do this how did I achieve this Monumental task of just being myself and being okay with it well first of all
I got therapy I'm going to be honest here don't just rely on the internet for this stuff that helped the most researching people like David Hawkins and K young really helped me be my positive self another thing I did was instead of forcing myself to smile I gave myself a reason to I thought more positively I saw the good in things and I practice gratitude and I know this might sound ridiculous but I just started saying nearly everything that came to my mind within reason instead of just letting it float around in my head and
calling myself an idiot if I even thought about saying it everything from outof pocket questions to funny remarks or just greeting someone that I haven't greeted yet even if I thought it might be a bit weird too this worked really well like really well I started to get more comfortable with being myself because I saw that it wasn't so bad one baby step at a time it came to me that a life that you're living where you're not yourself in my opinion is wasted being myself at the start was really hard but over time it
got a bit easier and now I'm way more capable as a person than I was before now of course I could go super into depth about everything I talked about but then the video will be 15 weeks long and 7 days just remember that the best teacher is experience I'm not going anywhere though so please subscribe and I'll be uploading whatever the hell I feel like it next week I'll be next it's next week
