I finally met the love of my life so this is what true love feels like I finally got my love story I waited my whole life and finally I have real love you hear this or you read this it it feels awful you may even be glad the narcissistic relationship's over but it still feels bad because you once heard those same things from them the classic narcissistic fairy tale starts with idealization and then moves on to devaluation and then discarding everyone thinks it won't happen to them and yet without exception The Story Goes Down the
same way every time to feel thrown away by another person is an awful experience but yet it is sort of a un ival part of the narcissistic relationship so let's start by taking a look at the narcissistic relationship cycle in most cases not all not all by any means but in many most the idealization often takes the form of love bombing which is another video in this series so love bombing or idealization lasts just long enough to get you stuck in this relationship Dynamic just when you exhale and believe in the fairy tale then bam
that's when the devaluation phase starts devaluation can start slow it's when the little criticisms begin when you start experiencing the contempt when the gifts and the big nights out go away when the narcissist phone becomes much more interesting than you sitting in front of them and when the sideways comments like I don't know like are you really going to wear that and other comments of that ilk start to creep into the relationship it can be a real time of intense confusion in the relationship because you can't figure out when the love bombing ended and when
the contempt began all you know is it's though the weather changed it went from being very warm to very cold kind of quickly the devaluing phase tends to happen just as you start to feel more settled into the relationship as a real relationship you may have actually been resisting the relationship for a while and you might have even have been Savvy enough to think oh this love bombing is a little bit too good to be true I'm not going to be played and then just when you settled in when you felt like it was a
real and whole relationship that is when the devaluation Begins the reason for this sort of shift it's a bit nuanced but it largely happens because at the deepest deep a narcissist self-loathing is actually so deep and so unprocessed that just as someone does see the good in them it says though it activates their self-contempt which they then project onto you and then voila devaluation it's as though they project their devaluation of themselves onto you now devaluation can last for months years and even decades it becomes before you know it's sort of a new normal your
life tends to be punctuated by insults and by invalidation the discard is just what it sounds like discarding is honestly like throwing out the trash it's like they're done with you now sometimes discarding never really truly happens you may just kind of get stuck in the Purgatory of devaluation forever but discarding happens when they cast you aside and it this is almost like discarding is like it can be really cold and you you can actually have a narcissistic relationship that keeps happening even when you've been discarded so for example your narcissist may have an affair
an extramarital affair or just cheat on you and so you were in essence discarded but you still stay in the relationship or they may take a job or take advantage of an opportunity that doesn't take you into consideration so either you have to leave your life behind to join them or be left behind so they're just kind of doing what works for them the discarding is often motivated for the narcissist from a place of both contempt and of boredom basically your narcissistic supply has become quite stale and narcissists tend to be very novelty seeking so
it all depends on your story no matter what it feels awful to be discarded from a relationship that you actually believe believe that you're in many narcissists expect you often to do the Dirty Work and end the relationship so they can turn around and say h she was the one who left me he was the one who filed for divorce she moved out and walked out on me and the kids uh he walked away from his family when that happens they get to look good to the world and since the narcissist is often going to
turn around and tell the world a false story then you look like the one who is unfeeling or unkind or willing to walk away from something which doesn't feel good now the mistakes that people most often make during the devaluation in the discarding phase is to ask that killer question why during the devaluation phase they're going to Gaslight you and deny that they are devaluing you and in fact they may turn around and call you paranoid or hypers sensitive or crazy now during the discarding phase if you try to make them accountable for their behavior
again you're going to run into more gaslighting now people want to make sense of this process so asking why is understandable but there's really no sense to be made of it because a narcissist isn't going to cop to it the narcissist isn't going to turn around and say yeah I'm not capable of making healthy attachments and I'm deeply insecure and I have contempt for intimacy so I am actually yeah I'm rejecting you and I'm treating you badly to see and test my hypothesis that you will observe my insecurity and that you will leave me and
my fantasy is that's the case and then let's see if that comes true no they are not going to say that to you even though that's the dynamic that's likely unfolding so asking them for an explan explanation is likely to bring more harm than good because they themselves aren't in touch with what's happening now the devaluing and discarding Cycles happen in families as well in general if you aren't just blindly going along with a narcissist agenda then they often think that you are against them and in a family this can happen when you just don't
go along with the program with what the narcissistic parent or sibling or Aunt or grandparent want your family members the family members will find out that if you or they learn that if you appease the narcissistic family member then you will be able to keep them calm and stay in their good graces and this can be particularly profound if the narcissist has some kind of power so for example the money that they may use to control family members so if you do lay down some real boundaries that's when often in a family the devaluation and
discarding cycle can begin now for scapegoats in a family system the discard and devaluation cycle is an eternal part of the scapegoats role in the family system they're constantly being devalued constantly being devalued and if the scapegoat tries is at a boundary boom they'll be discarded now devaluing and discarding can also absolutely take place in workplace settings and in those cases it's in which narcissistic bosses and narcissistic managers and leaders devalue the people that they think aren't their team players basically these are the people who are not the Yes Men or the yes women and
then ultimately they may make life so miserable for the people who don't just sign on with whatever Twisted agenda they have that those people actually end up leaving or may get fired now the devaluation and discarding cycle is sadly enough often followed by hoovering that's why it's a dysfunctional cycle some people get so disgusted by the discarding cycle that they do ultimately leave but it's not unusual for that insecure narcissist who wants to keep control to try to Hoover them back now if you fall for it and allow yourself to be sucked in that whole
cycle is going to begin again idealization devaluation and discarding it's just sort of this eternal cycle that's really only going to end if you're the one who's going to be courageous enough to break it and it can really be quite addictive lots of people confuse the excitement of hoovering and idealization with love it's really not it's abuse and therapy becomes a key tool to at least start thinking about how to end the confusion and the conflation that love and abusive relationship Cycles are the same thing now narcissist devalue and discard for many of the reasons
mentioned but also because they devalue intimacy and because they have very limited empathy They Don't Really Care how these Cycles are hurting you or impacting you they just do it without thinking and in some ways the chaos it feels comfortable for them they don't have any regard for how it hurts you but they do kind of like the excitement and the roller coaster nature of this cycle now these toxic Cycles take a tremendous toll on the people who get stuck in them basically this turns relationships into roller coasters and almost like addictive cycles and these
can often perpetuate Early Childhood patterns you may have had around rejection in some ways these toxic Cycles keep their relationship exciting for the narcissist and it's very easy to get sucked into their Vortex and cycle and for some people this cycle strangely enough becomes sort of a reenactment of trying to win over their unwinable parent in childhood it almost feels familiar to be rejected and it can feel exciting when you are Hoover it back in and idealized for a minute and in that moment you're almost taken back to Childhood where you feel like I've won
that parent over but then when the devaluing and discard Cycles happen and it's inevitable that they will sadly those Cycles feel familiar too and your ancient script of feeling like you're not enough gets activated again now some people allow these devaluation and discarding Cycles to happen because they'll often buy into the narcissist narrative about how difficult their lives were and and the narcissist lives may very well have been quite difficult The Narcissist will often share a story about having never seeing love when they were growing up and that it was so terrible for them and
you endure the narcissist cycle because you believe it's the loving thing to do that maybe you're going to correct it for the narcissist and it's not allowing yourself to be harmed in the Name of Love isn't love their tale of Woe or abuse or trauma it may be very very true they may have actually had a very rough childhood and it is you're sorry about that but it's not your responsibility it's not your responsibility you can't change their history and remaining there as an object that at times they value but more often reject is not
only not doing the narcissist any favors it's taking a tremendous mendous toll on your mental and physical health there are no winners here now being discarded is an awful feeling it can raise tremendous triggers around abandonment and rejection and lots of people will fight for the relationship at that point they want to maintain that fantasy of the happy relationship or the Happy Family the fact is in some ways we are really stubborn creatures we human beings and we fight for those things we can't have we get stuck on the things we can't have and things
often become much more interesting when they're slipping away or we're just not allowed to have them we're all the kids who want the thing in the cookie jar and don't fall for that trick if you have been devalued and then you're being discarded receive it believe it or not as a gift I know that sounds paradoxical but it's a chance to get away from a relationship that is likely making you sick but to do that you have to Value yourself first and that requires a deeper dive into where those scripts about self- devaluation come from
and flipping yourself over into a space of self-compassion now keep in mind that self-compassion is like Kryptonite against the charms of the narcissist once you have self-compassion honestly the narcissist is r rendered powerless and you can finally walk away it's interesting to think that in a discard and a devalue cycle that you could actually get that kind of power you often feel like you're stuck at the whims of the narcissist when they will devalue you when they will discard you whether that's a partner family member or even a boss but the fact of the matter
is ultimately believe it or not in these Cycles you have a lot more power than you think in the form of self-compassion self-compassion not only allows you to say yeah no I'm not doing this cycle I see what it is it's not good for me and allow you allow to step allow you to step away but self-compassion also allows you to feel compassion for the other and is difficult and challenging as these narcissistic relationships are as I said many times narcissistic individual have had very difficult backstories in fact it's what explains a lot of their
personality and why it's organized the way it is there is no need for you to engage in those kinds of toxic Cycles you don't have to De devalue and discard from a place of self-compassion you can also let them go from a place of compassion and in your heart hope that maybe they can go and get the help they need to grow into a healthier your future however that's not your job self-preservation is a right and if you're going to preserve yourself in these Cycles you've got to exercise that right and break the devaluation and
discard cycle thank you again for tuning in I hope this video helped you understand the theme the terms devaluation and more importantly discarding which are very much a part of the narcissistic relationship cycle so let's set the tone you're in a relationship with a narcissistic person the relationship ends very quickly or even within a few months they enter a new relationship well of course they're narcissistic so they can't not be noisy about it so it's all I finally met the love of my life so this is what true love feels like I finally got my
love story I waited my whole life and finally I have real love you hear this or you read this and it feels awful you may even be glad the narcissistic relationship's over but it still feels bad because you once heard those same things from them so that leaves you in a position of was it never real with me or even worse for some survivors what does this new person have that I don't many people will say that these public proclamations of Once In a-lifetime Love Story that they see their narcissistic ex doing can really ping
on that whole idea of feeling not enough intellectually you you may even think great now they're your problem new person and not mine but there's something about having your history with someone invalidated the disconnect can feel unsettling obviously there are layers of this if you still had hope for the relationship or still cared then this when this happens it can be utter Devastation if you are done and somewhat indifferent but have for example children together together and your co-parent children are having to see this it can kind of be awful to have to walk children
through this and to accept that your narcissistic ex and co-parent is so unempathic that they wouldn't care about harming their children who of course the narcissist believes their children should be so happy for them that who cares if the children are a little unsettled by their parents brand new shiny love story and their make out pictures on social media and if you are done and indifferent well then that's probably the best and the easiest but after a while the sort of wincing faces of people that feel bad for you it may get on your nerves
again the reason they do this has nothing to do with you and it has everything to do with the narcissistic incapacity for intimacy their intimacy is shallow is focused solely on what it does for them what it gets them and so every new Love Story filled with excitement and fresh new Supply it's their new great love story so when this feels just awful because it is unjust is when they roll into a relationship that gives them the supply that they want the new partner who I don't know maybe has lots of money or is much
younger or has a nice house or something because no matter how much you genuinely loved them and you did the idea that they could trade it all in trade a life you made with them for the thing that ticks the boxes better for their validation it's absolutely devastating and again like I said for survivors it plays into an I am not enough mindset that often even predated the relationship so what do you do when they say I finally found my true love right after leaving a relationship with you number one however you need to do
it even repeating it over and over again you got to remember this isn't about you you were Supply and then you weren't Supply and they always get tired of supply and that said you're wondering how am I supposed to survive this phase of their great new Love Story the grandiosity makes for a short memory they are reacting to what is in front of them something new they did the same with you it's not personal even though it feels deeply personal this takes a minute and so you need to number two be with the hurt there
will be grief in this process you may think you know what this fool isn't even worthy of my grief it's not grief over them it's grief that a process you cherished loving another person was wasted on a person who wasn't worthy of you who was so shallow who could be so ignorant of your feeling feelings all of that hurts be with that pain therapy self-compassion trusted friends other supports all of that helps but the only way out is through and that means this is going to hurt number three get the hell off of social media
please it's so easy Instagram is basically a glorified shopping mall these days and Facebook is basically comprised of the conspiratorial rants of your un friends and relatives it's not good for you to see any of that and the narcissistic person needs to broadcast their grandos nonsense I have no idea if a tree falls in the forest whether it makes a sound if no one is there I do know that if you don't have to see BS on social media in a way it kind of isn't there and you can focus on your healing I understand
if you need social media for your business that's fine then block or fool with the settings so you don't need to see brand new Love Story posts that hurt number four if you have them protect your children if this is relevant you got to do it what does that mean clean up your kids social media feed if they're old enough to be on social media be the one who brings consistency into their life because the Flights of Fancy and the new great love relationship for your ex means that your ex is now going to Jet
off to a tropical local on the weekend of your children's school play or will flake on custody weekends or leave them unsupervised while they canoodle with their soulmate be present ensure that you have school and other significant events wired maintain their routines and ensure that if you're if you're able to hopefully get the clearance to do so if you're co-parenting that your child has access to Mental Health Services the narcissistic parent may be insistent that the children love their new great love and children may struggle with this on multiple levels protect your children from the
makeup the make out pictures the bikini shots the vacation shots the muscle shots and the other things that may make them uncomfortable is it fair that on top of all else you're having to act as a Sentry to protect children from the ex's inappropriate behavior no none of this is fair but being present for your children and being consistent is everything especially in the midst of this circus number five the Injustice piece is so tough intellectually you know that this will end up being the narcissist new great love story that ends but it does still
feel unjust while you may be grieving a relationship and they are in Hawaii with their Once In a-lifetime Love Story it hurts just like all pain it's going to sting it's going to hurt so let it the one advantage we have when it comes to heartbreak is time the vast majority of folks start to write themselves with time and this to will pass with the added bonus that for narcissistic folks all things bright will eventually fizzle and that's going to happen with this too just don't get yourself get hoovered right narcissistic folks live in a
fantasy world fantasies of endless success fame fortune and grandiose romantic love stories it's why they often get married so many times and even when they're getting married for the tenth time time they still have a big frothy white wedding with multiple wardrobe changes they need the spectacle so it's really about the spectacle not the companionship the consistency the respect the compassion the mutuality of regard the growth or the kindness these are typically photoshopped relationships grieving a broken heart is the most human of experiences and one of the more painful ones it is made more painful
when the object of the broken heart is denying the experience you had your reality was different and you lost your Rel reality in that relationship it's painful to be reminded of that even in the aftermath and then as you heal and are able to get more detached there will come that moment when their greatest love story love of my life soulmate goes kaput grab some popcorn with some Freud has sprinkled on top and breathe into the predictability of these personalities and your resilience in the face of it if nothing else I hope this video is
a validation for those of you going through this it's real it hurts and nothing I or anyone else can say can change that but also it's a reminder that for narcissistic folks my great new love Is Just code for a look I got new Supply I cannot count how many times I have worked with people who are in a relationship with a narcissist and for a long time they bought the narcissist story that their their ex was absolutely insane and stalked them and harassed them and was obsessed with them and did all kinds of wacky
stuff and because you were sort of into the narcissist you wanted to believe the narrative you're like well I'm going to be the same new sexy person in the this person's life no madness here time goes on narcissistic abuse goes on a little bit of love bombing some discarding a lot of gaslighting and you're like oh my God I got to get out of this or they discard you but either way the relationship ends and I bet sometimes you wonder what do they tell people now you may hear about it you may have enough flying
monkeys that they've recruited or enough other people in your life watching them or even see it on social media what Nar nist are amazing at doing is always creating a revised and edited narrative that suits them they do a few things in a relationship when it ends number one they will say that they were the victim they may even make up a story about you cheating or being shady or dodgy or doing something bad to them so they can go into the world as a victim oh you're not going to believe what my ex did
did she cheated on me and then the next person says oh I'd never cheat on you and they play that victim card beautifully number two is the Swagger you know like she was putting on weight she was this she was that he was this he was that it's like I grew out of that like they they really seem like they're just too cool for school and they got out of that relationship number three is is the smear campaign in that case The Narcissist Paints the X as completely unhinged they were stalking they were obsessed they
were always accusing me of stuff they were losing grip with reality they Gaslight you to the world in essence they describe you as something you're not and you're not even there to defend yourself they portray you as something that is absolutely untrue that third scenario can be really unsettling because that puts you out in the world in a way you don't want to be perceived number one thing to keep in mind whomever continues to spend time with your narcissist or hopefully ex narcissist do you really want to spend time with them that means that they
haven't figured out how difficult and damaged your narcissist is so maybe they're just not smart enough to spend time with you so choose your friends wisely if they can't see it step away from that but that whole sense that the way they're going to describe a a relationship that ended is always going to be in a way that makes them look good whether as a person who was wronged as a person who's just too good for it and most likely in a way that defames you and makes you look bad if you honestly think a
narcissist is going to go and meet a new partner or talk to other people in the world and say yeah I wasn't a really good guy I cheated on her and I lied to her and I psychologically abused her and that's why we're not together M that's not going to happen in this lifetime so obviously that would certainly help you think okay that's great they got some insight but if they' had Insight they would have had it with you okay so there the way they describe the relationships that have gone out of their life will
always make you look bad will always make them look good and will have no resemblance to reality this can be particularly difficult when you see their little SOB stories or weird stories or slanderous stories on social media you know those passive aggressive comments they write don't you love when you managed to get out of a relationship that clipped your wings and now you can fly fly high to the sky or something completely unhinged like that you're thinking fly high to the sky like what does that mean they'll portray you as the sandbag that was sinking
their dreams to others and that will often be framed against some bizarre sunset or two martinis on a bar this is when you have to say I dodged a bullet because if they were able to tell this story about our relationship after it ended what were they saying while we were together narcissists are masters of manipulating the truth or frankly lying in fact there was a great line I recently heard how do you know a narcissist is lying their lips are moving and that's pretty much it they lie a lot because it helps them protect
that insecure core of theirs they sell these dishonest stories about their relationships end because it makes them feel better about themselves so all of these things are being done to protect that fragile core ego interior of them once you get out hard as it is hard as it is to get them out of your head hard as it is to wonder will the next person get a better version they're hearing these terrible stories about me they're going to go off and have a happy future and laugh about me trust me you'll be the one to
get the last laugh they will not move into a brighter future the next person will suffer the same way you did it's just a matter of time so when you wonder what they're saying about your relationship when they move forward the only thing you can be completely sure of is that what they're saying is a complete work of fiction hold on to your reality you you know what the true story of that relationship is do not do not allow the narcissist to keep stealing your reality even after the relationship is done one of the harder
Dynamics for people to get their head around about narcissistic people is how much they really do view other people really in essence as objects or as conveniences which means that when that object convenience is not behaving the way you want it to do it becomes an inconvenience but it goes a Step Beyond that because when they take advantage of other people it's really that they determine something that this person can bring to them it can be money it could be connections it could be experiences it could be that they're very attractive and will make them
look good to the world whatever it is they will sort of exploit that relationship for what it's worth and get what they can for it what it can make you feel is kind of gross as though you're not being seen as a person but rather as an opportunity to leverage future opportunities that idea of being taken advantage of is not a dynamic that's just restricted to interpersonal relationships you can see it in close intimate Intimate Relationships I mean you can C you catch it in friends you can catch it in the workplace you can even
catch it in family experiences or you'll see that one family member let's say one family member succeeds that a narcissistic member of that family will attempt to take advantage of that person's sort of standing experience whatever for their own advantage in the most extreme of this we'll sometimes see this when a family member maybe makes it big becomes rich or famous or something like that and another family member didn't Fair as well and that other family member is narcissistic they may really try to go along for the ride almost be a hanger on or in
the worst example even cash in on them turning in uncomfortable facts um uncomfortable family history or really just sort of dropping a dime on them there've been recent celebrity scandals where a family member actually was the person and sounded like a very narcissistic family member was the person who threw someone else in that family under the bus on the basis of that other family member's notoriety or something like that so it can be really awful to see it play out in a family Dynamic sort of setting it can also feel horrifying if this is why
somebody may be pursuing you now a lot of every listen all of us are sitting the saying I Ain all that what's there really to take advantage of it's all relative you you may hold a higher position someplace than someone in the grand scheme of things you may have access to something they don't have I don't know a beach house a better car um reservation someplace tickets to a basketball game or something like that that in wanting that thing or that experience from you that they may actually then try to take advantage of that person
to make that experience there was actually a really interesting story news story that came out that was sort of at going just went on trial around the time we're making these videos and it involved a woman who was like a real sort of a grifter she would take advantage of people she sort of put herself out in the world as though she was some sort of like Russian Billionaire's daughter and had this whole mysterious backstory and in essence what she was doing was she was becoming friends with people and exploiting these connections that she claimed
to have to get them to pay for stuff that ended up culminating in her becoming with a woman who ended up fronting up something like $60,000 for nights out and a big vacation and all of that and interestingly that case went to trial the woman was found guilty but even throughout the trial this woman was making a big show of wearing specific kinds of outfits and sort of trying to still look dazzling in the courtroom as it were so that's a real example of somebody who was taking advantage of people by telling a story about
themselves twisting the reality so they could get what they want from another person who didn't even have it to give you see this in corporate settings all the time when somebody walks into a situation or business settings and they see that there's a weakness they can exploit and they take advantage of it this happened on massive levels if you want to argue it that way in the mortgage um The Mortgage Banking crash that led to the recession of 2008 where a handful of people took advantage of a system and exploited it and ended Ely taking
advantage of the na of borrowers so taking advantage of a weakness or a person for your own gain is something that can happen at a massive level at the global economic level or at an individual level but what narcissists particularly malignant narcissists and obviously psychopaths are really good at doing is finding out a person's weakness or recognizing that somebody has what they want and exploiting any weakness in that situation to get what they want out of that situation for their own gain when you've been through that on the receiving end it's horrible you feel very
victimized it can feel quite traumatic and in some cases it can actually be quite tragic you may lose a lot of money you may lose U reputation you may lose status and there may not even be a way to get legal reparations for example you may never get that money back so being taken advantage of in that way doesn't feel good whether it's an inate partner a business associate a family member it almost always feels exploitative and it can even feel traumatic if you're going through it sometimes the best you can do is try to
get the best reparation you can in the kind of a situation and sometimes you can't so you really have to go to a place of radical acceptance and say okay shame on me hopefully next time I learn But after those experiences it can be really really hard to learn to trust after someone takes advantage of you in such an extreme way so have any of you had this situation that sometimes and I'm telling you this sometimes but have you ever find yourself that just as you were getting happy like your life was really going well
again that's when they Hoover you well what we're going to talk about today this idea that sometimes they Hoover you because they don't want you to be happy okay so let's sort of lay it out this way so your Nar let's say your narcissistic relationship ends right maybe you ended it maybe they ended it maybe it ended badly the kind of thing where they cheated or betrayed you in some way whatever it may be the narcissistic relationship ends and that's never easy because it's so confusing you may grieve you may mourn you may feel devastated
even though you know it's good for you you ruminate you obsess you look at their social media if they have it you might go through a period where you can't sleep or you lose weight because you can't eat you go into therapy maybe maybe you go into a certain doct Dr romine's healing program and as always that link is available in the video notes but you do what you can to heal from this right but you do the work time passes and honestly when it comes to Healing from narcissistic abuse time may be your greatest
friend you start to feel better then you start to feel really better maybe work starts going better maybe you meet someone or you travel or you do other things that you you've always wanted to do you slowly take your your life back and you really recognize that your life is so much better without the narcissistic person in it it took you a while and you're getting closer and closer to indifference to not caring about what has happened to them or what they're doing you may not even wish them ill will but you just don't care
about them anymore you really are in what I consider to be this zone of healing and then one day you see a message from them maybe you block them but they use a new number maybe you didn't block them maybe it's an email that gets through it's a lot harder to block email but you're Resolute however they try to break you down it's as though they've made a list of every single thing you ever had wanted to hear from them that they are sorry that now they finally see that your your gifts and your goodness
that they weren't worthy of you that they knew you would be better off without them and they play the victim who knows whatever it is they just keep going but you're the new improve proved you right now right you're more healed you feel Resolute and even believe that you've now evolved and you might start making that mistake of like well I'm Healed we could be friends right that's what modern healthy people do you might even respond to their messages you might even give them some advice because they're going through a tough time and maybe you
even agree to meet and that means Checkmate and now it's their game again the tricky thing about life post narcissist is to not advertise your growth healing too much which I know is not easy in a social media world if you are still struggling and crying into your coffee and sharing your misery the narcissistic person isn't that interested in you they've already done they've already overwhelmed you and they're done with you they're on to their next thing and it's long as you you're miserable they don't care like they've already ruined you but if you share
your growth you and having a happy new relationship you traveling the world you thriving now you're happy and you're tempting they may Hoover you to show you that they can still dominate you or that they can still win or maybe they're just sadistic and they don't want you to be happy I actually believe that for narcissistic people other people's happiness disgusts them but you want to share your joy with the world and I get that and I think it's wonderful but it's dangerous it's almost like using your real identity while you are in the witness
protection program right it's dangerous it's unfortunate but it's true because if they see they see that you're happy nah you become someone to dominate again to harm again so what do you do number one keep in mind that indifference and Detachment are just that do not engage is not a short-term strategy it is a forever strategy the more severe the narcissistic abuse the greater the importance that you should never engage with them again if they send you a cryptic message from a new phone old phone any phone block again or at the very least ignore
it the same with DMS and emails if you can't stop that if you can't do enough blocking then no backing and forthing but if you do respond that means you're in play and then it becomes more of a game for them it's like you're a live bite on a on a fishing line you need to be at the most advanced levels of healing to not engage now also keep in mind if you are in a new relationship well that could be a little bit of a protection or a hedge because you don't want to hurt
the new person by engaging with a harmful person from your past at least I hope you don't but that new person having that new person in your life well lead them to try even harder and I'll say about more about that in a minute the narcissistic person may even see that they're in danger they're in danger call 911 and send an ambulance to their house but do not engage number two if you are in a new relationship well fact is that is game on for a narcissistic person because now there is someone to take you
away from and they love that kind of fight think of how and just take a minute think of how you would feel if your new partner started interacting with a narcissistic and manipulative ex my guess is not good so don't you do it either it becomes a major cat and mouse game between you and the ex narcissist in your life life and the idea that you have someone new in your life gets their juices going keep your new relationship under wraps and even just to be empathic to your new partner do not respond block even
if it's multiple numbers being blocked and do not engaged do not engage number three if you are if you aren't all the way indifferent and still feel you would respond to the narcissist then if you can find a way don't put your life on social media because if even one person from your life has a connection to the narcissistic person even if your account settings are on private even if you've blocked The ex- Narcissist your success and happiness becomes something for them to dismantle and narcissistic folks are masterful at recruiting flying monkeys and spies I
know people love sharing their lives on social media but if you are in the acute stages of healing and it was a more severe narcissistic Rel relationship keep your quiet your healing quiet for now number four really really ask your friends to never share how your life is going with the ex- narcissistic person I know that can feel a little bossy but some people especially Ena people just don't get this now the fact is this is not something you can really enforce but you can certainly try to remind them and if you are a friend
of someone don't think you were doing them any any favors by rolling up to the ex narcissist in their life if you see them out and about and saying hey your ex is doing great and has a new life and a new thing and a new that it may not end up being an issue but it could also just aggravate or incite the narcissist enough to make them want to reach in and make a mess of things in a new life you've made and number five no it won't be different this time just because you
feel better about yourself and are doing things you love that doesn't mean they change they don't change I don't have enough days in the week to list all of the people out there who have told me that they were actually at the top of their game when they originally met the narcissist who was in their life and the narcissistic person dismantled them Brick by Brick always remember what was done to you and maybe right now you're healed and you're single or healing and single you're feeling good about your life and then the narcissist wanders back
in I promise you if you let them back in that same dismantling process will happen again it's what they do scorpion is going to sting narcissistic people are allergic to other people's happiness it's really that simple and especially the happiness of people who they have already controlled and dominated so if you want to share it then make sure your gates are tall fall and high so the narcissist can't come back in and do any more harm they don't change that's the nature of this personality and the thing that gives them Joy control domination power those
things still give them joy and that usually means harming you for this reason journaling is so important you need to read all of the Terrible stuff that happened in this relationship because you journaled it in real time and also to journal your healing so you can see how hard the work was of grief and of healing read all of that see all of that before you ever let them in again thanks again
