what's up YouTube I'm Brad Browning AKA breakup Brad your relationship and breakup coach for almost 15 years now today we're going to talk about regret and specifically your ex's regret over ending the relationship now if you've recently gone through a breakup then I know that you're you're feeling pretty intense uh feelings towards your ex right now you know you love them you're angry at them and most of all you want them to regret the breakup to realize how valuable you are and to come running back to you so you know maybe you've been reaching out
to them and trying to reason with them to get them to change their mind about the breakup maybe you're sending them pictures bringing up happy memories you know maybe you're just spamming their phone trying to get them to just you know talk to you now I understand where you're at with this so many people come to me with a similar story you know it's such a a natural reaction to a breakout but really you need to take a second and look at things from another perspective your ex's perspective now your ex cares about you sure
um but they care about themselves more this is just human nature you know and from their perspective you and the relationship are causing them pain and confus usion and so they're probably trying to keep their distance you know they don't want to be with you and as much as that hurts you do have to accept that for now because when it when it comes to attraction seduction whatever you want to call it the most important thing is the other person's perspective so think about it this way you know each of us sees life through our
own individual lens it may seem like a small thing but it completely changes how we view the world so if you take you and your ex for example you experience the same relationship from two total totally different perspectives you know you each come into it with your own baggage your own history your own preferences wants and needs and when you have conflict this is almost always the driving force behind it it's because you don't understand that they don't see things the way you do really nobody can and this is where the breakup comes in you
know you think if you can just explain things to them then they're going to understand what went wrong and how you can fix it but the problem is that you're operating with very different lenses right now you know you're seeing this relationship and each other in very different ways I mean there are of course a million subtleties here but even if you look at it on a on a very basic level your ex and you are very far apart in terms of your outlook even if we can just sum it up in one sentence you
want them back and they want to move on whereas you know before you knew how to relate to them because you were on the same team obviously you didn't see things in the exactly the same way but you did you know fundamentally both want the same thing to spend time together to love one another and build a relationship together and when that relationship ended you know this shared goal totally blew up and now you want to win them back to connect them with them again and and show them that you love them and hold them
close and all that but they you know they want time to think they want to move on and you know most importantly they probably want to be far away from you I do hate to say it but at this point that's just the facts and that's ignoring all the the other little ways that you thought saw things differently you know I mean obviously you didn't see the relationship in the same way even before the breakup or you never would have broken up in the first place so you see you can't even agree on what the
relationship was or is so you really aren't even working from the same basic premise and this is why having these conversations just doesn't work you know you're saying things that make sense to you and they're ignoring you or getting upset and you can't understand why and this is because they may feel like you're trying to make them feel guilty or trying to manipulate them and essentially you know you are even if you don't know it because you're trying to force your own lens onto your ex you're trying to to make them understand so is it
hopeless you know if there's nothing you can do to change their mind you should just give up right but actually there is another way to go here instead of trying to force the issue you need to let them figure it out for themselves you know I'm telling you that your ex can realize what they lost if you give them the time and space to do so since you can't make them see things the way you do all you can do is start to adopt their perspective more now the first thing you have to do is
to disappear now I know this I say this time and time again but you really must cut contact with your ex as much as possible you know your ex may have all these thoughts and feelings of who they think you are and and you know what they think they should expect from you and this is natural because you know you have a lot of history together you've done certain things before and after the breakup to to create these kinds of associations you've treated them in a certain way so they believe they know what to expect
from you and to change that perspective you first need to walk away and accept this breakup and then you know you need to stay away for even more weeks you know a few weeks or even more while you work on yourself start to reestablish who you are and improve your value and when your ex sees that the way they think of you is going to start to change you know they'll think think hey they're not they're not who I thought they were they're actually being really mature about all this maybe I made a mistake now
I know that this is going to be painful but you have to be patient you have to be cool and calm now the good thing is that since you and your ex won't be in touch you know they're not going to see the pain that you're going through so they're going to think that you know they're all alone and that you're doing really well without them and as time passes you know they're going to start to miss you now there's something that I want to talk about called confirmation bias maybe you've heard about it this
is the tendency to interpret new information as confirmation of your existing beliefs so confirmation bias means that we're always looking for proof that we already know how the world works now we all do this even the most open-minded people so please don't think that you're above it you know if we could really have a completely open mind then we'd never be able to have any sort of understanding of the world and we'd get completely exhausted just trying to get to work in the morning so this means that your ex is invested in thinking that you're
still the same person that you were before you broke up and that you're not a very valuable person so when they send those you know few text messages or they they call you that first time or check your social media they're looking for proof that you're not good enough and this is where you have to surprise them the biggest way to make your ex realize what they lost is to upend their expectations here so maybe you were a little too desperate too accommodating too easy but if you can shift your behavior a little you'll really
change how they see you and they'll be forced to face the fact that they were wrong about how they looked at you you know their perspective will start to change because they didn't see the value in you before and now all of a sudden they're starting to second guess their decision they're seeing some changes and behavior and they want to make sure you're still the same person that they knew and this creates interest in your ex you know they're going to want to know more you know so they'll be investigating you and this is going
to draw them towards you more and more I don't know if any of you remember that news story a while ago but the guy who who traded a paperclip for a house now this sounds totally fake but I promise it really happened um quite a few years ago the guy's name was Kyle McDonald and he's from Montreal you can look it up he started with with a red paperclip and he traded it for a pen that looked like a fish and then he traded that for a handmade door knob and traded that for a c
stove and up and up and up until he was able to get a real two-story house now this is a very smart guy because he understands that value isn't this objective thing it varies from person to person depending on how they look at the world their lens one man's trash is another man's treasure or house in this case so when your ex left you you know they didn't see your value to them you were just that red paperclip but if you spend that time now you know working on yourself making improvements doing the unexpected when
they do come back they're going to Blown Away now your ex is going to see how you've changed how you're not the person that they thought you were they thought you were a paperclip and now you're a house and really all it took to get there was a few pivotal changes now don't you don't have to become an astronaut or a multi-millionaire or really anything like that you can become the version of yourself that's just a little more kind a little more driven more reliable and that is going to be enough because remember you know
your ex once saw you as extremely valuable back in the early days of your relationship and it's not only about what you do during this time that changes your ex's perspective itive on you you know essentially as we touched on before you two are furthest apart right after the breakup both emotionally and also in terms of of your outlook on the relationship and on one another this is because you know you're both dealing with such strong emotions and your aims are so different you know they want to get away from you and you want to
get them back and so you you just can't come together right now no matter how much you want to you can't bridge that Gap but time and space really is the great equalizer here you know it gives you both the chance to slow down process the breakup and get some perspective on the situation now many people think that you know leaving their ex alone after the breakup is is going to be a death sentence you know that they'll totally forget about you or they'll move on if you don't keep reminding them of your existence but
really in all my experience the opposite is true you know by taking this space you actually give your ex a chance to miss your presence which makes them want you more than they would have otherwise it also just helps you move on from them not completely know obviously if you take some space and you still want them back after a month or two that's great but your desire for them is never going to be as a cute as it is in those first few days or weeks after the breakup you know you'll soon start to
see that you can live without your ex that you're capable of being happy alone and if you want capable of finding somebody new so where does this all leave us well when you do come back together you know you won't look at them as your one chance at happiness and they won't look at you like you're the only thing standing between them and being happy and free you'll see each other for you know what you really are exes and that sounds bad but really it's not you know you'll see that you still care about one
another maybe even still want love one another you know and you won't feel that need to to convince one another to see things any differently and this is really a moment of connection for the both of you now it won't be as heightened or stressful as it is right now so you'll be able to reconnect in a more honest and straightforward way without you know drama or miscommunications and more than that your ex is going to feel you know other more complicated feelings when they see you know how well you're doing and that's going to
push them even further towards you I honestly see this all the time your ex is is just going to realize that they lost out on a huge opportunity they lost out on someone special and this this is that moment that we talked about the moment when they're going to regret the breakup and realize that they want you back more than anything else so remember you know while you may feel weak right now like you're not valuable and you'll never be able to get them back really this is all about their own personal lens and that
will change if you just give them space the way that they see things currently is out of your control there's nothing you can say to convince them and you shouldn't even try because the more you try the more you're just going to confirm how they see you you'll look more needy more desperate and less valuable with every attempt and when I when I talk about giving them space here guys I'm not talking just about no contact I'm also talking about how you react to them when they do come around again you know don't be a
puppy dog all excited to see them and willing to do whatever it takes to make them happy don't make them your number one priority you know prioritize your life and your self-respect and watch as it changes how they look at you if you can do this you'll see them naturally start to come to you more and more and they'll try to impress you rather than you trying to impress them because you know they're going to realize what they lost they'll be more willing to fix things because you know obviously they'll see the value that you've
created but I do want to hear from you on this specifically you know how are you trying to improve yourself during this time remember this is so key if you want your X back so I'd love to hear some of your concrete plans for self-improvement down in the comments where you can also leave your questions as well and if you do want to talk to me one-on-one the quickest way to do so is to go to breakupbrad.com/coaching and sign up so we can get started right away thanks so much for watching guys and if you
haven't subscribed to the Channel please hit that subscribe button and like this video as well I really appreciate it and I will see you again next time
