having an avoidant partner can make a relationship extremely difficult but what about an avoidant ex you know how are you supposed to get their attention and their love when they're so good at stonewalling you well I'm here to tell you that it can actually be easier to get an avoidant X back than really any other type of X it might sound crazy but this is actually backed up by all of my experience as a breakup coach over the last 15 [Music] years I'm Brad Browning author of The X Factor 2.0 and I've helped thousands of
clients get a second chance with their X's so you can trust me when I say that an ex with an avoidant attachment style can be a huge Advantage for you if you do want another chance with them and the reason for this has to do with why the relationship typically ends in the first place but for this to make sense we have to talk a little bit about attachment Styles and how they work now I'm not going to go too deep into it here I've made a whole video on this topic that I'll I'll link
to the two in the description below but what you need to know is that a is one of the four attachment Styles everyone has an attachment style and this determines the way that you you create an attachment to another person now this affects all relationships in your life but it's felt most strongly in romantic relationships now everyone's attachment style is going to be a little bit different but they boil down to four groups secure disorganized anxious and avoidant and for our purposes we're really only talking about those last two anxious and avoidant because if you're
watching this video it's pretty safe to bet that you have an anxious attachment style and your ex is avoidant now this is a very common pattern in relationships and what this means is that you two respond in very different ways to stimulus in a relationship and by stimulus what I'm talking about is anything that affects the relationship either good or bad big or small you know these are moments of connection or or disconnection so for example you know the first time you both said I love you I'm sure it was a magical moment for both
of you you know you held each other close and you know everything felt like it was falling into place perfectly but then you know you may have noticed a change in the coming days you know you excited by this deepening of of your connection wanted to spend more time together and connect in in new ways you know it's like you wanted to crawl into their skin and live in there and you might have noticed your ex you know pulling away you know becoming a little distant or seeming distracted so same stimulus different responses and now
let's talk a little bit about a moment of disconnection so say the two of you have a big fight you know you're screaming and and yelling at one another let's say you you work through it to an extent you know you come to an agreement or at least you know decide to drop the subject and and keep the peace and now at this point you're afraid to lose this relationship you know you don't want there to be any distance between the two of you so you might reach out to your ex more you know make
more attempts to connect with them both to shore up the relationship and to to quiet your own anxiety about possibly losing them and again your ex will use this as an opportunity to pull away you know to get some space and to process what happened you know they're also hurt and Afraid about what it might mean for the future but their way of coping is just completely different from yours so while your ex's response might be more harmful you know these can both be negative depending on the intensity of the reaction you know clinginess can
be just as destructive as avoidance and the two of feed off one another and they can be damaging because both cleanness and avoidance don't take into consideration the other person you know they say to the other person you know my feelings and my needs are the priority here now I often get a lot of push back when I say this because people say you know well I'm only clingy because I love them and I want them they're avoidant because they're selfish and my counter to that is that you know to think back think back all
on all the times where you were most clingy you know was it about how connected did you fa to this person or was it more about the fact that they were so inconsistent that made you feel crazy and I think you'll find that cleaniness is more driven by anxiety than it is a real bid for connection but again you can both be forgiven because this isn't a conscious process it's driven by an intense burst of emotion so it kind of hijacks your behavior and makes you act in ways you wouldn't otherwise and the other thing
about these attachment Styles is they're not totally fixed you know you can be more more secure with one partner and more avoidant with another chances are you're you're not going to totally change your attachment style overnight but they will shift and change based on how you're treated and the patterns that you create in relationships because you know anxious Behavior can actually trigger avoidance in the other person and avoidance can also trigger anxiety in the other person and it it makes sense when you think about it right you know if you've been on three dates and
you know the other person suddenly says something like I love you I need you in my life you know we're meant to be well you're probably going to be put off you know you'll you'll pull away from them in a big way if you don't end the relationship entirely basically when we identify clingy Behavior it can it can set off alarm Bells so you think you know oh this other person is way more invested than I am we're not on the same page I'm in danger of of them getting closer to me faster than I
can handle and for an avoidant you know their radar for this kind of behavior is way too sensitive you know they can take even a minor sign of interest in receive it as a threat and instead of talking about this an avoidant person will do really what they know how to do and they'll pull away and they'll leave you wondering what the hell happened and this can trigger more clingy behavior in you because you feel threatened by the distance they're creating when someone pulls away it feels like a rejection so you're just trying to repair
that hurt by really you know Bridging the Gap it's a it's a chicken or the egg situation you know are you being clingy because your partner is avoidant or is your partner being avoidant because you're being clingy and there's there's rarely an easy answer to this question and ultimately it really it doesn't matter it's a cycle that you're you're participating in together and this push and pull can can actually draw you to together in in early dating because it's it's like a roller coaster that you're you're riding together you know you're both feeling a lot
of intense feelings and even if they're not always good feelings it is going to create a bond and of course if you don't find cing rout eventually then you end up building a a pretty shaky relationship you know the anxious person feels like they're being denied love and the avoidance feels like they're they're being smothered and eventually you're going to want to get off the roller coaster so let's talk a little bit about how this can help you get your ex back because that's what we're here for really so basically if you and your ex
broke up even if it seemed to be happening for another reason chances are this was really the main factor of your ex feared the closeness that you represented they felt like they had to to fight for their independence in the relationship like they were losing themselves to the relationship and they didn't know how to express that to you and establish better boundaries the good news is that you know if you want them back you just have to interrupt this pattern that's it you know sure there there might be other small issues to work out but
if your ex is avoidant then chances are this is the bulk of the issue and to make this happen we have to really understand the other person's point of view so let's go deeper into to what sets avoidance apart so first off you know you need to know that I'm I'm talking generally here you know having an avoidant attachment style being an avoidant looks different for different people there's even an avoidant personality disorder for people who use avoidance as their only coping strategy and completely shun the world outside themselves so chances are you know your
ex isn't that extreme they're not a lost cause you know I doubt they're even the worst that I've seen because I've seen some situations where extremely avoidant exes can actually still be one back now these are people who ghost a long-term relationship just to avoid even having a conversation and actually just isn't aside here but if your ex ghosted you uh please leave a comment below and subscribe because I'm working on a video on that topic right now and on the other side of the spectrum you know I also want to say that just because
your ex is avoiding you doesn't mean that they Haven an avoid an attachment style you know if your ex never showed any of these signs while you two were together and now they're giving you the cold shoulder that's really that's a different issue and I've actually made a few videos on what to do if your ex is ignoring you that I'll link in the description below for you to check out as well well but just don't diagnose your ex as an avoidant just because they've changed since the breakout so as we go deeper into what
makes an avoidant you know try to determine how bad your ex's avoidant avoidance problem really is so here are some of the the real signs of an avoidant person first you know avoidant value their own independence and so they often has fewer social connections and are less consistent with the people that they do spend time with they sometimes struggle to to make connections with other people because of their tendency to withdraw socially but that's not always the case some avoidant are quite good at friendship because it's less intense than a romantic relationship you know they
don't feel as threatened because they know their friends aren't going to overwhelm them and ask for a level of closeness that they really don't want one thing that practically all avoid and struggle with is conflict so during fights they may Stonewall you or give you the silent treatment and this can obviously be extremely difficult to deal with during during an after a breakup as I'm sure you're already aware and even if they don't outright Stone you know they'll they'll tend to avoid conflict by changing the subject minimizing your feelings or even just telling you what
you want to hear just to end the conversation and another Hallmark of avoidance is that they'll Run for the door at the first sign of conflict or commitment now hearing all this you may think that avoidance don't want closeness of intimacy with really any other people you know they want to be left alone and all you're doing is providing them a momentary distraction from the solitary life that they've chosen they're just less lonely than other people and they don't need as much as you do but actually this is wrong you know avoidance do want that
closeness and intimacy the same way that any other person does or even more so and this is what people get wrong about avoidance you know they think that they're they're all just loners who just don't need others but they do want love and affection but they just don't always respond in the best way when they actually experience it because it scares them in in fact a lot of the time when you feel like they don't care at all because you know they're shutting you out they're really sitting there furious at themselves because they feel they
they can't connect with you they hate that they run away and avoid things they want to just hold you so badly but it's like you know it's like there's a wall that they just can't get over so don't think that you're avoiding X is totally over you chances are that they they do miss you and they do still love you to an extent they just don't know how to show it the truth is that they feel threatened by cless you know they lack the emotional tools to deal with it and so it feels overwhelming and
and destabilizing so just remember you know they don't hate you they don't even really want space the way that they seem to it isn't their feelings that are lacking it's their ability to follow through and this is why I say that it's actually easier to win back and avoid an X than it is to win back somebody with a secure or or anxious attachment style most avoidance come back because you know the reason that they left in the first place is n about any real issue in the relationship not not really now I'm sure that
they seem to have a good reason at the time but what's really happening is that they're making an excuse just to get that distance from you they think that they need that distance to feel comfortable and safe but when they get it you know they realize that it's not what they wanted at all and that's when they'll start to miss you and eventually they'll come sniffing around hoping for another chance because their reason for the breakup was a temporary heightened state of emotion they were they were pushed away by that closeness and now that you're
apart you know the reason that you broke up is no longer relevant it's kind of a paradox you know they left because you got too close but now that you're broken up you no longer have that closeness so they don't have a reason to stay away their major objection has has really been removed from the equation now they may think okay well I don't want to get too close to them again but I I do need intimacy and why would things be any different with somebody else now of course this is a huge Boon for
you if you want them back back you know just a little distance will convince them to give you another chance a lot of the time anyways so does that mean you just you know have to reach out and talk to them and they'll be willing to to pretend that none of this ever happened well no unfortunately that's almost never going to work remember they are still avoidant and they're easily overwhelmed so even though they want that closeness you can't just you know offer it up like that I know it it can be totally frustrating but
that's that's just how it works if you come at them too aggressively they'll run away again because that's just the the pattern that they're familiar with in relationships so what should you do instead to win them back well now that you understand where this comes from it's going to be much easier to cope with and and forgive your ex for their avoidant behavior and that is the first step to to Breaking the pattern you know you need to understand that it's not personal and that it's not an attack on you this is just how they
deal with difficult emotions now you do need to think about your role in the pattern here because really that's all you have control over right now you know you can't change your ex but by modifying your own behavior and your expectations you can create a relationship that actually does work so think about all the times that you you two dealt with issues like this so let's take a a specific example now maybe you wanted them to meet your parents and they shut that down immediately you felt hurt by this rejection and they felt like they
were being you know pushed or manipulated so how could you have handled things differently well maybe instead of asking them to meet your parents Point Blank you could have started by discussing the topic you know more broadly so you could say something like how do you feel about meeting one another's families you know I'm not sure if we're there yet but it's something I'd like to do down the road and this sort of you know puts the ball in their Court you know this way they don't they don't feel ambushed and you two are able
to discuss the idea in a more in a more abstract way so if they say you know I'm just not ready for that yet then it's not going to feel like such a huge rejection I think that you know planting seeds like this can help you get the relationship that you want without an with an avoidant I should say without actually scaring them off so instead of waiting for them to to move things forward and getting upset when they don't plant some seeds and then let them bloom now obviously this is the kind of thing
that's it's only going to be relevant once you two are back together and and moving in the right direction but it's the kind of thing that you want to be thinking about right now or you're going to end up you know feeding into the same problems now I know that this is putting a lot of the onus on you for your ex's behavior and that's that's not to let them off the hook you know they need to work work on themselves too but you can't force them to make changes and especially not while you're you're
not together so wait until you have reconnected successfully to even have a conversation about this and even if they really you know push themselves to develop better coping skills and better communication skills chances are they're not going to completely change their attachment style so don't expect them to be you know a brand new person once you get back together you do need to ask yourself if you can live with this and still maintain your you know your your peace and your happiness you need to really ask yourself if if you'll be able to stop yourself
from continuing to the cycle that's actually keeping you apart right now and for right now you know one of the best things that you can do is reflect on your own behavior and how it shaped the relationship and and the breakup so how should you actually treat your ex during this time well first as I typically do I'm going to suggest that you go you go for a period of no contact for at least a period of time following the breakup you this is pretty standard practice but it's especially important with an avoidant ex because
remember you know they need that space both to start to miss you and to process the breakup but also to get that that sense of safety and Independence that they felt was missing in the relationship now this is going to go a long way to repairing what's what's broken between you you don't even need to do anything more than that in many cases just getting some space will make them realize that they need you in their life and they'll swallow their pride and come back to try again but if they don't come running back because
you know they're stubborn or afraid to open up or whatever it is you know you're going to have to make things make the first move to actually get things started remember despite their rough exterior they're actually very sensitive people so you know act accordingly and don't make don't make any sudden movements basically just take it very slowly and don't demand too much of them right off the bat you know I know that you're ready to jump back into a relationship but they need to ease in so that they can you know maintain their independence and
and not feel threatened and this is really important at all parts of the process from how you approach them the first time after the breakup all the way to to how you handle your first few meetings and right up until the point where you decide to get back together and then again you know onward into the early stages of the actual new relationship now I know that you may not used to be be used to interacting with people in this way you know if you're if you're an anxious person you're used to connecting more directly
but if you can Master this you know your X is going to warm up to you and it'll make the whole process much easier and remember you know this is just the beginning with time this more gentle approach will show your ex that you're you're a safe person for them to get close to and will ultimately help you create an even closer relationship than you thought possible so with that in mind you know don't make demands of them right off the bat if they're not ready to see you don't push it just talk have fun
together and rebuild that relationship rather than worrying about the next steps and really you must give them space during this process so don't text too frequently and if they take a little while to respond you know don't worry remember that this doesn't mean they're not interested it just means that they're still feeling things out and being cautious and the two of you have different ways of handling closeness it's really it's very important to let them set the pace during this process at least at first you know you don't want to recreate the conditions of your
last relationship sure you you may be able to get them to agree to get back together but really we're talking longterm here and if you really want to maximize your chances of getting your ex back I'd be happy to help you I offer one-on-one coaching through my coaching program at breakupbrad.com/coaching I'd love to hear all about you know what you've been through with your ex and then we can work to put a plan together to rebuild your specific relationship from the ground up again that's breakupbrad.com/coaching to see my current availability and sign up today I
hope to hear from you soon now as I've said this is all you know this is a delicate process it's all about showing a bit of interest and then backing away you know it's kind of like it's kind of like flirting you don't want them to to know that you want them 100% you're trying to create that tension that will keep them wanting more and to do that you need to focus on shifting your own perspective to better connect with an avoidant you need to address your own anxious Behavior and the funny thing is that
you know anxious and avoidant couples are actually very common for a simple reason avoidance struggle to connect and anxious people desperately want to connect so avoidance will will put up walls and try to back away and anxious people will blow right through them and in the short term this is flattering for the avoidants who often feel like they're difficult to love and it's flattering for the anxious people because you know they've won over somebody who's so independent but in the long term it ends up really being unsatisfying for both parties you know the avoidant feels
like they're being rushed and overwhelmed you know it's like they're being asked to do more than they can handle and the anxious partner feels as though they're they're not being given enough love and always having to ask for more which is obviously not a very good feeling so we want to break this cycle this time around so you can have a more healthy relationship and since you can't you know change your ex you're going to have to modify your behavior a bit and if you've watched this far you're already well on your way to making
this happen because you know you'll be able to see this pattern at work when they pull away you'll know not to chase after them of course it is going to be hard sometimes you know you'll need to do your best to hold on to this perspective so look at your life from a top down view remember that this relationship isn't the only thing that matters it's not your only source of Happiness here and whenever you you find yourself you know obsessing over the relationship over what your ex is thinking or feeling and you know you
get that clingy urge take a step back and breathe you know this is the time to turn to to other things that bring you Joy in life your friends your family your hobbies I know it it feels counterintuitive but this will actually bring you together in the long run one thing that triggers an avoidant partner is feeling like they're the other person's soulle Focus if you can show them that you're independent and secure in your life they're going to be more attracted to you than ever because they won't feel pressured and when you do see
or talk to your ex resist the urge to talk about the relationship about or the breakup or you know what they're looking for who they're dating really anything like that I know you know you want to know but answering these questions is not worth pushing them away your time is much better spent just chatting laughing and and reconnecting and that's why I say to to live in the moment when you're with the ex you know you can't change the past and you don't want to get caught up in what the future holds and and and
actually miss out on the present now here's another important thing to remember you know don't take their behavior personally remember that this is how they deal with everyone in a relationship it doesn't mean that they don't like you or don't love you or want you it's just the fact that they struggle to connect that's keeping them away so don't go you know wow I haven't talked to them in a few days or you know they're being so quiet they must be over me I should call them and see them what's wrong see what's wrong try
to remember that this is it's just a quirk of their attachment style and if you give them a little space they're a lot more likely to come back to you now there is another common pattern here that I want to warn you about when it comes to avoid an ex's and it's that they'll often start things up again while also trying to keep you at a distance in the long term so you know say the two of you will start sleeping together and hanging out every couple of weeks but never get beyond that point or
maybe you'll be you know just friends or you might even get stuck in the in the talking stage and you'll think you know well this is nice but why aren't we moving forward you know I want a partner not a pen pal so what's going on well what's happening here is that your avoidant ex is giving into their avoidant behaviors and keeping you at a distance to to maintain their own sense of self they saw what happened last time the two of you got together and it scared the hell out of them so they're refusing
to put themselves in that situation again but at the same time you know they want you and they care about you they really don't want to lose you and really they don't want this this weird half relationship either they just they feel it's too risky so again don't rush your ex you know if this has been going on for a few weeks or even a month or two this might you know just be a slow start but if it's been any longer than that then things have definitely you know plateaued and you're going to need
to take action so if your ex is treating you this way you need to make your expectations clear and resist their desire to make this normal so if they say you know I just want to be friends or I'm so happy with how things are right now then don't share their enthusiasm you know make it clear that you need more from them or you're not going to stick around I know that a lot of people struggle with this you know with being this direct and in that case you know you may want to use actions
rather than words so you know make them jealous through social media or you know by going on a few dates and at the same time you know don't lap up any crumbs of attention that they throw your way so don't respond to late night booty call texts and don't be their backup plan when it comes to you know making weekend plans basically you know hold them to a higher standard and if they're going to reach it and they're going to have to reach it if they really want you in their life all right thanks for
watching all the way to the end um if you're dealing with an avoidant X and you have any questions or comments please leave them in the comments below I love hearing from all of you and while you're at it of course please like this video subscribe and turn on notifications for brand new advice videos every single week I'm breakup Brad and I'll see you in my next video bye for now
