Don't fight to keep people: you lose when you win

I'm Dr Orion tabban and this is psych Better Living Through psychology and the topic of today's short talk is don't fight to keep people in your life this is a very important rule for all types of relationships it's just as applicable to platonic familial and professional relationships as it is to sexual relationships the advice is actually fairly straightforward don't fight to keep someone in your life or to say the same thing in another way never stand in the way of someone leaving if someone wants to leave let them let them go bye-bye all the best

now I understand that this advice can be hard to hear when someone you don't want to leave starts to walk out of your life it can induce a panicked urgent desperate sensation that's okay you can feel that sensation and not act on it and it's very important not to act on it for at least two reasons in the first place you have to appreciate that fighting to keep someone in your life is ineffective like it doesn't work if you try to prevent someone who wants to leave a relationship from leaving what's the most likely outcome

that's right they fight harder to leave when people feel that they're not free to leave that they're literally or figuratively imprisoned they typically try harder to assert their autonomy when you fight to keep someone you end up with more fighting and why would you want to increase the amount of conflict in your life or to maintain a high conflict relationship like anything worth fighting for a warm and loving and supportive relationship will be destroyed in the fighting for it and this means that even if you win even if you somehow succeed in preventing someone from

leaving you have at best achieved a very pic Victory whereby you likely lost more than you gained once more succeeding in preventing someone from leaving for the moment typically only delays their escape it is at best a temporary solution it might work for a time but the mechanism of action isn't very flattering that is some people stay because they're afraid of the escalating conflict or they feel guilty for causing you pain or they feel pity at your awkward humiliation but these feelings will change soon enough and once the fear or the guilt or the pity

disappears they will come once more into emotional contact with whatever reasons were motiv motivating them to leave to begin with and they will very likely try to leave the relationship again though they will likely do so even more discreetly this time my personal attitude toward my relationship is that I am an anti-cult think about a cult a cult is easy to get into and hard to get out of I'm the total opposite I am hard to get into and very easy to get out of it's not that the door isn't locked it's that there is

no [ __ ] door the exit is always open and unobstructed and just like an airline Steward is I always make sure that people know where it is located and I think this is useful for a number of reasons imagine being on a high precipice with no guard rail what does awareness of that situation tend to do to people they watch their step they hone their focus and they don't do anything foolish this is because cognizance of potential risk inspires caution which actually prevents a great number of avoidable problems it's paradoxical but feeling too safe

is responsible for the Lion's Share of unnecessary accidents this is because when people feel too safe they feel increasingly emboldened to do all kinds of ridiculous things since they believe that safety will prevent them and protect them from the consequences of their actions and this is not always the case on the other hand when people believe that a misstep could lead to a nasty fall they tend to take much more care of where they plant at their feet don't give those with whom you are in a relationship the impression that they will be insured of

your continued presence in their lives irrespective of what they say or do remember fear is the basis of respect if you appreciate the insights on this channel I would highly encourage you to get your hands on a copy of my book the value of others over the course of 432 pages I delve deep into my economic model of relationships and explain the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating and dating I also provide a lot of actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what you want in the sexual

Marketplace once you read the value of others you'll never look at relationships the same way again now available in ebook Audi book and paperback formats the links are in the description so if someone wants to leave if a friend is taking a different path in life if a woman thinks she can do better then let them go and if you can wish them well at least in your heart wish them well thank them for accompanying you as long as they did and part graciously not only will this make it easier for you to let go

of that relationship but it will also increase the likelihood that the ones who leave will eventually regret the their departures now when someone is heading for the door an Impulse might arise in you to either justify your value or remind the one leaving of all the value you've provided in the past surrendering to either of these impulses would be a mistake this is because the game does not run on gratitude people are more likely to feel resentful of your reminding them of your good works then grateful and in any case they've already benefited from those

Works they don't lose them by leaving the relationship rather people only lose what they still want but haven't yet been given so this isn't likely to work furthermore if you've gotten to the point when you have to remind someone of your value then your words aren't going to do [ __ ] if they can't see it already your words will not reveal it to them when people have gotten to the point where they are threatening to leave a relation ship then words are likely to be insufficient to change their minds it's also degrading to justify

yourself it's a form of begging and few people are going to base an ongoing relationship on pity don't give them the chance and here's the last piece if someone actually leaves like they literally walk out then never ever ever chase them down if someone storms out of your house you don't run out into the street and beg them to return and I'm telling you this because some women will do this to test a relationship out of the misguided belief that running after them or fighting for them demonstrates the extent to which you care for her

it doesn't rather what it demonstrates is that the woman in question doesn't care much about you as she is apparently willing to place her need for reassurance ahead of your desire for peace and that she can and will inject chaos and conflict into your life when she feels justified in doing so a woman who actually cared about you would not do that so don't fall for that line of reasoning if someone runs out on you you can decide whether or not to accept them back into your life however ever if they run out the bare

minimum required effort to resume a relationship is they have to walk back in that is the bare [ __ ] minimum you don't go to them they have to come to you and if they don't they are not yet sufficiently interested or ready to have a relationship with you so why would you go out of your way to accommodate them and this can potentially be hard to accept but the fact of the matter is that two people can't have a relationship if one person doesn't want to and if that one person leaves then the ball

is in that person's court and while this may be difficult just remember that their absence can create a space for someone who is authentically enthusiastic about having a relationship with you to come into your life what do you think does this fit with your own experience let me know in the comments below and please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message as its Word of Mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow and anyone looking to join my free Weekly Newsletter or book a paid consultation

can do so on my website the links to everything are in the description below as always I appreciate your support and thank you for listening