Girlfriend Wanted an Open Relationship but When I Said No, She Said I Wasn't 'Compromising' and...

My girlfriend wanted an open relationship, but when I said no, she said I wasn't compromising and needed to feel remorseful for making her suppress her desires. We're both 27 and have been dating for 10 months. My girlfriend Lucy is bisexual and has always been open with me about her kinks and fantasies, and bringing in other people (MMF, MFF, MMFF, and so on) features high on her list.

I'm pretty vanilla by comparison. I never guilt-tripped her or shamed her when she opened up to me about these, but I always made it clear to Lucy that they were a bit above what I could provide, and that in particular, I would never be comfortable bringing another man into the equation. About six months into the relationship, Lucy suggested that we have an MFF threesome with another woman and that she would be happy to arrange it.

I was a little apprehensive about this initially, as I didn't want it to be used against me as a bargaining chip further down the line, and so I constantly checked in with Lucy, asking if she was sure it was something she wanted and that we would be doing together. Not long after the threesome took place, Lucy suggested that we visit a garden party together, which we did, and at which we only played with each other. She also suggested reaching out and meeting other couples involved in the scene.

My understanding was that we would be befriending couples who were also dipping their toes in the water with garden parties and such, and of people who could accompany us to these kinds of events as friends. We matched with another couple on an app and met up with them a few times for drinks. Earlier tonight, Lucy called me and hit me with a curveball.

She said that for the past few months, she had been feeling unsatisfied and unenthused by our sex life. This really caught me off guard. I knew that Lucy was more adventurous, and I thought I had been doing a decent job of accommodating this—the MFF threesome, the sex party, and talking to another couple.

I was hurt by this revelation, but I did my best to find out from Lucy what it was she felt was lacking and what we could do to fix things. After a bit of probing, it became apparent that she wanted us to experiment with MMFF, non-monogamy, flirting with another couple, playing truth or dare type games with them, ideally some form of swapping, etc. All things that would make me uncomfortable and which I just can't ever see myself doing, and yet which are extremely important to Lucy.

I asked Lucy if there was anything else at all we could try in order to meet in the middle. The subject of toys came up, but it was pretty apparent this was a mere sideshow. Lucy got a bit shitty with me at one point, insinuating I wasn't being open-minded enough, asking how I knew that I wouldn't be into what she was asking, that the situation is unfair, and that I'm not willing to compromise, even though she is the one instigating all of this whilst being fully aware of what my boundaries are.

After a bit of back and forth, it eventually dawned on us both that we were staring at the end of the relationship. I told Lucy I was hurt by the revelation but that I was still thankful that she spoke up, that she needs to do right by herself and not compromise on something if it's important to her. At this point, Lucy became tearful, asking if this was the end, that this wasn't how she expected the conversation to go, and so on.

We ended up saying goodnight after promising we'd have another chat about it later. I'm writing this now, having just gotten off the phone. I'm pretty gutted.

Being told out of the blue that your partner has been unsatisfied and unexcited isn't a particularly great thing to hear. I think this is probably the end of Lucy and I, as I don't see myself ever entertaining the scenario she wants us to partake in, and even if she agreed to bury it, there would be the risk of this coming up again at a later date. Since I started writing this, Lucy has been texting me, pleading with me to compromise.

I am trying my best to explain to her that the boundaries she is asking me to compromise on are hard ones and would very likely lead to me getting hurt, but the topic of compromise keeps coming up. I'm not sure what to do. I would appreciate any advice on how to navigate this and if things might possibly be salvaged without major boundaries being crossed.

Thanks. Edit: Thanks for the comments, everyone. I think it's pretty clear that this is the end of the road for Lucy and me.

I will have a chat with her tonight and tell her that we're through. Update 1: A few weeks ago, I posted in another sub about a situation with my girlfriend Lucy nudging me to try forms of non-monogamy that I wasn't comfortable with and claiming I needed to compromise when I pushed back. The consensus from comments on my post was that the relationship needed to end, as we were clearly sexually incompatible.

But deep down, I was adamant that things could be salvaged somehow. Not long after our initial conversation, I explained to Lucy why her actions were wrong—pushing against my boundaries despite my repeated saying no—and she apologized to me. She suggested that we go away and write lists of activities that we would or wouldn't be comfortable engaging in and see where we could find common ground or meet each other in the middle.

It seemed reasonable. The other day, we sent each. .

. Other than our lists, Lucy was clearly disappointed with me as I more or less ruled out partaking in all of the ethical non-monogamy (ENM) activities that she suggested. I made it clear that I was willing to partake in monogamous activities from her list that she enjoyed; for example, toys.

But that didn't seem to really cut it for her. "It is what it is," she said on the phone with a sigh, her tone of voice one of clear disappointment. "I'm the one who's losing out here.

You get to keep everything you want to do, but I don't really get anything. It's fine though. *Drss 5215*, it is what it is.

I can just suppress my desires and keep them in my head. " I really disliked her insinuation that I was being obtuse or selfish for not being willing to compromise on my boundaries. I asked why my willingness to try the monogamous activities she outlined didn't seem to count as meeting her in the middle.

"It's got to be spontaneous, and I want my partner to enjoy it too," which struck me as odd. I can't snap my fingers and suddenly change my enjoyment of or attitude towards a particular sexual activity. I explained to Lucy that she was the one who told me a few weeks ago, with pretty stinging words, that our sex life was unexciting and unsatisfying for her.

Even after our list comparison exercise, the options for fixing this were clearly pretty limited despite me being willing to give certain monogamous things a try. I told her that I now have all these ominous thoughts, such as, "Is my partner ever going to be sexually satisfied by me? Is she going to end up resenting or cheating on me?

" swirling in my mind, and that some kind of reassurance that these fears were misplaced or that we could work through this would really help me. She immediately clapped back with, "Well, what about me? What about all the things I'm having to give up?

" That really got to me and reminded me of our previous conversation where she had basically shown no regard for my feelings with her constant nudging up against my boundaries. I felt myself getting angry and knew a shouting match would just make things worse, so I abruptly said, "Good night," and hung up on her. Before I went to bed, she sent a barrage of texts explaining that she was upset by the situation and that she wanted me to feel more remorseful because of all the things she now has to suppress and keep in her imagination.

She also expressed that she felt unappreciated for having to bury her sexual desires for the sake of the relationship. This sat really uncomfortably with me. Why on Earth would someone need to feel remorseful for not wanting to risk their own mental well-being just so their partner can feel sexually satisfied?

Did I need to appreciate her for this horrible anxiety about the relationship? I now feel if Lucy and I were in a dead bedroom, or I was completely closed off to trying new things, I would understand. But not wanting to take part in ENM.

. . I had said to her before that I was sorry she felt like she was losing out, but insinuating that upholding sexual boundaries is something I need to show remorse for is honestly pretty horrible.

My head is all over the place. I perhaps naively hoped that things between her and me could be salvaged by comparing our respective lists and working with the overlap between the two, but if anything, it's just made it even more apparent that she and I are sexually incompatible, and frankly her way of handling the whole situation has really upset me. I feel like, as in my last post, she has no real regard for my feelings and is just angling for the outcome she wants, this time with lousy attempts at guilt-tripping.

I don't think I can ignore the writing on the wall this time. I care about Lucy a lot, but I hate how she keeps pushing and breaking me down like this and her general lack of respect for my feelings and for me as a person. Comments where "OP has replied.

" Stuck in the tundra: "She's trying to manipulate you into getting what she wants. This is a huge flag to part ways. She's made it clear she wants this regardless of your feelings and that her holding back is a favor to you.

All it will take is one nasty fight, and she will give in to temptation—whether she tells you or not is up for debate, but it likely will happen. Her mindset isn't on making a monogamous relationship work; she's more interested in exploring with you as a safety net. Spare yourself the further pain and heartbreak.

" Fr33 speeches: "She probably already has someone in mind, TBH. " OP: "To add a bit of context, Lucy is really interested in playing with other couples in an MMFF-type setting. I am not, and when explaining this, she was adamant that this was only something she wanted us to do as a couple.

Now, I obviously don't want to explore MMFF, but I doubt that this thing is a pretext for her going behind my back and being unfaithful. Famous last words, I know. That said, the damage has obviously been done.

After multiple conversations with her, it's apparent that our sex life is always going to be unexciting and unsatisfying for her unless I capitulate on this, and I don't want to be in a relationship where my partner makes it clear our sex life is something that they're settling for, to say nothing of expecting me to somehow be grateful or apologetic for this. " Stuck in the tundra: "Sounds like she's either interested in trying the swinger/. .

. " Lifestyle, or is poly for you? It's a hard no.

That's okay. Her wanting to is also okay; it can just make you incompatible. Monogamous people trying to be poly, and vice versa, usually ends with a lot of suffering and hurt feelings for everyone involved.

Whatever you do, I wish you the absolute best. Update: Two, Lucy and I have broken up. I broke the news to her yesterday, first via text.

I initially told her that we needed to talk on the phone, but she insisted that if it was to break up, I just tell her over text and then confirm it on the phone. She was super tearful and kept insisting that this was all a giant misunderstanding, that she was sorry for how she had behaved, and that she would never hurt me, that she is happy in our relationship. It was really hard hearing her so upset, but I stood my ground.

To be honest, I felt like she was backpedaling on things she had said earlier and downplaying how important the ENM activities she wanted to try are. They are things that she had expressed interest in repeatedly very early on and so can't be dismissed as passing fancies. I told her I appreciated her apologizing, but the damage was done.

I can't be in a relationship with someone I'm clearly sexually incompatible with, with no real chance of fixing it. This was absolutely for the best, but it still hurts. Lucy and I are giving each other some space.

We had an upcoming trip together, and I have a few of her things at mine, so we will have to meet up eventually to sort a few things out and maybe clear the air. I'll need to be strong and make sure I don't cave in. Thank you for hearing me out and advising me; it means a lot.

Next story: My girlfriend wants me to attend her company Christmas party, where I'll have to socialize with two guys she had sex with, but they still make jokes about it and call her names. My M31 girlfriend (F27) of roughly 2. 5 years works for a large nationwide recruitment agency, and they are planning their usual annual company Christmas party, where employees and their partners (spouses optional but supposedly preferred) are invited to attend for an overnight stay, meal, party, open bar, etc.

I've never been to the previous events due to a work commitment last year, and the year prior we were still quite a new couple. Each year, a different city's office hosts, and those not from that region normally stay in a fancy hotel booked by the company. They are in the process of confirming the total number of guests, and she'd like me to go.

As a heads-up, we are very open and communicate well. I'd say she's told me that prior to us dating, on her first work Christmas party, after a few drinks, she went to an afterparty in one of the guys' hotel rooms and engaged in a threesome with two dudes from her office as a bit of a bucket list experience. After thinking about it, I've said to her I'd rather give it a miss, but I'm totally happy for her to go on her own.

She's told me it's important to her from a career perspective as it's good for her image, allows her to meet in person with people she works with from other regions, and socialize with senior management, and that nearly everyone's from work's partners attend. We have since been arguing all last week, and I have been accused of not supporting her career, of never attending her previous work events, of being immature, and of shaming her. I really honestly don't think any of this is something she did prior to meeting me.

We do hold differing views on sex; for me, it has always been something special, while she views sex as just a bit of fun. This isn't an issue and has actually been good for us as we've learned a lot from each other. I'm even comfortable with the fact she still works alongside these two guys.

I know she has had a lot more sexual partners than I have, but she has always viewed casual sex when she was single as a bit of fun, and I know deep down it wasn't meaningful. Accepting a sexual history is one thing; people are entitled to a sex life, and I'm cool with that. The past is the past, but this feels different as it feels like the present.

Socializing at the same party with my girlfriend and the two males that have been intimate with her is a different task – it makes me awkward and uncomfortable. I thought it would be easier to say I'm not attending. Having asked if others at her work knew, she said yes, as one or both of the guys did spread rumors afterwards, and also has been office banter and nicknames about it.

She said it doesn't bother her; she is confident and the type that would own it. The place gives me finance bro vibes. The thought of shaking hands, making small talk, and sharing a table for a meal with guys who have had sex with my girlfriend is difficult.

For context, we are in a good place, rarely argue, and have recently been talking about marriage, having kids, etc. We really have a great relationship all around, and I don't want to do anything that would harm her relationship or career. I posted about my situation on another subreddit but feel like here might be more helpful for me.

AIO turns out strangers on the internet are actually very helpful. Comments were OP has replied merrily dreaming honestly. I do think this is something you need to work through; maybe you can avoid going this year, but if she.

. . Staying with this company, at some point, her fiancé or husband's refusal to ever go to a work event is going to impact her reputation.

I think it's better for you to just get it over with and see that it's really more something you've built up in your head. Perhaps it would help if you tried not thinking of it as socializing; these kinds of events are essentially mandatory for her, and your behavior or refusal to show up does reflect on her. She is not asking you to be best friends with these men—just be polite in a professional setting for a short time.

Oop, thanks for your response. I do understand that not attending prior or future events as a spouse is bad for her reputation, although I feel like the previous were valid reasons. Her being honest about it is appreciated, but I'm just trying to get over the social awkwardness that I have built up in my head.

Peanuts and cheese: 2021. She was a consenting partner in that threesome; by being upset or unwilling to go to a place because of the other two partners, you are undermining her choice and agency as a person. What if you wanted her to attend a wedding where your ex was present?

It's not the sexual partner; it's the fact it was a threesome, and you are kind of making moral judgments. Plus, you are also afraid the two guys will think they have something over on you. Is that correct?

Oop, well, yeah, I'd say you're mostly right. However, it's not the act of her choosing to be part of a threesome itself that I'm judging; she was single at that time. It's just more difficult because it was a threesome.

There are just more—numerically more—ex-sexual partners to be around; that feels intimidating. I don't know if it's me feeling there's something over me that makes me nervous. I can accept her past, and ultimately she's my girlfriend now.

It's the attitude those two guys hold that could be a problem, as she's told me they spread gossip of her encounter to others in the company and use shaming-type nicknames for her when they think she's not around. I'd feel uncomfortable and probably emasculated to hear that said about her while I was there. Update: October 3rd, 2024.

Hi everyone! Since there were a few update-me comments on the original post and I had a bit of spare time, I thought I could provide an update on the situation I posted about a while back. First of all, I really appreciate all the advice and feedback I received, both positive and negative.

It gave me a lot to think about and also the ability to structure some important conversations between my girlfriend and me. To summarize the original post: my girlfriend (F27) and I (M31) have been together for nearly 3 years. She invited me to her company's annual getaway Christmas party this year, which would involve me needing to socialize with co-workers, including two guys she had a threesome with before we were dating.

I wasn't uncomfortable with her sexual history itself, but I felt awkward about attending the party and being at the same table/event with these guys, especially since they still sometimes joke about it and use what I consider disrespectful nicknames for her. On top of that, I was worried there was a possibility I could end up being the butt of these jokes too, which made the idea of attending feel even more uncomfortable. I initially declined to go, which led to some tension and an argument between us.

One point I just wanted to clarify, based on some of the comments and DMs, is that I'm not ashamed of her past at all. Before we started dating, I knew due to being part of an overlapping social group that she had a sex-positive outlook, and she was open about the fact that she had been with around 50 guys. That was never an issue for me.

We may well have different experiences, as I've only been with three long-term girlfriends prior, but it wasn't something that held me back from pursuing and starting a relationship with her, and not something that has ever been an issue. What made this situation feel different was that I'd be in a room, possibly at the same table for dinner with people who are still actively referencing the past experience. I've never had to deal with that face-to-face, and the idea of those same people making jokes with me in the room or even about me made the situation feel more socially uncomfortable.

So, update: after some deep conversations and listening to each other's points of view, my girlfriend helped me understand her perspective more clearly. She expressed that being the only person from her office without a partner would make her feel awkward and isolated and possibly lacking social support during the event. She was also surprised and somewhat upset when I changed my mind about attending, as it raised a small doubt that I was viewing this with the idea of shaming her.

We also had a constructive conversation around her views on sex positivity. Her confidence in celebrating that part of her life has helped me have a different perspective. She reassured me that any teasing and nicknames at work don't bother her, so why should it bother me?

Any terms like [__] should not be seen as insults; instead, they are something to be proud of and offer her an ability to own and reclaim a woman's sexuality without shame, especially since men involved in stuff like that are held to a different standard than her. If she can be proud of herself while confidently standing by her choices, then I realized I should wholeheartedly support that as well. Anyway, I've decided to go to the event.

I still have some reservations, but I realize it's important to show my support in her work life. I trust her, and if she's comfortable in that environment, I want to be too. At the end of the day, I'm happy with how open and unapologetic she is about her views, and I don't want to let my discomfort, or something as trivial as the possibility of being the target of jokes, get in the way of supporting her fully.

We've had some great discussions about sex, relationships, women, and society that have only made our relationship stronger. Thanks again for all the advice; it's been a huge help. Comment where OP has replied: "Laxum effort, what kind of [__] would talk about that encounter at work?

If you are going to be with her long-term, you will need to be at these types of events. If those two make any comments, the easiest thing is to act like you didn't hear it. Any more than that, you could quip about how she mentioned how shitty they were in bed, or say how you look forward to sharing this story with their next girlfriend.

Whatever you do, you cannot appear as though you were phased by it. OP: From what I know, the company has very much a finance bro vibe, and these guys come across as bragging douchebags. But just because they view something like this the way they do, doesn't mean everyone else should.

They should be held to the same standard as her for doing the same thing.