if you are in a relationship with a narcissist especially if you've been in more than one then this information will help you recognize the traps and tactics that the female covert narcissist will use on you and i will also explain the reasons you don't always run when you see these red flags this information is not about blaming or shaming you it's really about helping you identify what makes you more vulnerable to falling prey to the female covert narcissist and how to protect yourself from her my videos on mental illness are for educational purposes only so
if you are looking to learn more about narcissistic personality disorder and other mental illnesses as well as how to handle and protect yourself then you're in the right place but if you need support please seek help as much as npd is a serious mental illness it does not give that person the right to hurt you you are not put on this earth to survive someone else's abusive behavior so the first thing i want you to know if you are in a relationship with a female covert narcissist there is no happy ending so i'm going to
jump right in and first i want to address what she is looking for in a partner i believe there are only two types that she's interested in one another narcissist which happens through a process of assortative mating which is the subject of another video on narcissistic couples but the second type of person they're attracted to has key characteristics and i'm going to use the acronym fill p-h-i-l to describe this type of person that is so appealing to the female covert narcissist and i will tell you why not only do these types of people get hooked
and reeled in but they also get anchored so that they can never leave the p in phil stands for protector the female covert narcissist wants someone with a strong protective instinct someone who is naturally motivated to protect the people that they love the h stands for helper this is someone who is inclined to help others and to be of service even to be a hero the i stands for integrity and this is someone who does what they're what they say they're going to do it's a person who keeps their promises and this is super important
when it comes to anchoring you l stands for being loving the female covert narcissist wants someone who is going to love her wholeheartedly someone who will give her attention affection praise and make her feel special on demand so here's how it all plays out so the first phase in the process is where she lures you the narcissists believe she's special so she has no problem making you believe it too and she will come across as the most energetic fun smart and sexy woman you have ever met she will immediately fire you up emotionally and she'll
fire up your sex drive part of the female covert narcissist lure is almost always using sex as a weapon she will bring out that passionate side in you and sexual excitement that you didn't even think existed in real life she will sex bomb you that's like love bombing but in the bedroom but the real key to the luring stage is showing you her vulnerable side and opening up to you in a way that she's never done before with anyone else and she'll do this quickly how you respond right here will determine whether you make the
cut or whether she moves on to a more suitable fish when you give her lots of empathy and compassion she knows she can easily cast you into the hero role making you feel like you are the only one in the whole wide world who can save her protect her and make her feel safe you're the only one who understands her you're the only one who can help if you bite hard here she knows that your protector helper hero instincts are high and that your need to be needed are strong enough to keep you enrolled in
the long game in this luring stage she's also mapping you out emotionally to find out what are your insecurities what are your deepest fears what are those intimate secrets no one else knows about you and in these deep conversations where you feel so connected where she's opening up to you and you're opening up to her about things you've never talked to anyone else about before well this will be used against you later she's asking a lot of questions about you because she's going to use the information to manipulate you now as you will learn if
you watch my video on myths about the female covert narcissist many of these tactics are subconscious they are survival skills that she's learned she's not planning out some evil personal attack on you at least not usually and now the second phase of the process now that you've taken the bait before reeling you in she needs you to bite even harder to take the whole sinker so like any good fisherman she will give you some slack when she feels you're on the hook she'll pretend to pull away in reality she's waiting for you to come back
and when you do she will real real real you in she usually does this in one of two ways either she creates a fake scenario to make it look like you've done something something to hurt her deeply or she simply pulls away and when you ask why she plays up her fears of being hurt she talks about how she's been hurt in the past and how she's afraid you'll do the same again she's playing on your helper instincts and you need to be needed she's trying to elicit a response and the response is a promise
she wants you to promise and profess that you are different you would never do that to her and she will pull out as many promises as possible from you because she already knows you're going to do everything in your power to keep those promises once those promises are made that's hook line and sinker but wait there's more once she's reeled you in she needs to anchor you so that you never leave and she does this by playing on your integrity even more because you are someone who values your promises she gets you to repeat those
promises over and over under the pretense that she needs reassurance because she's so afraid so vulnerable and here's the caveat she actually is incredibly sensitive and insecure what she really needs here is for you to feel like you can never ever break the promises and commitments you've made to her hence the reason a smart sensible person has such a hard time leaving this abusive relationship and then she'll test you she'll throw a few bombs in to make sure that you prove your integrity and once you do the real game of cat and mouse begins in
this case if the game is still unclear to you you are the mouse you're the one being toyed with here is where the abusive push-pull cycle begins that hot and cold jekyll and hyde or whatever you want to call it it's thought back and forth between pulling you in to meet her needs for attention and admiration and then crushing you and she'll crush you by highlighting your faults your weaknesses your insecurities your fears and you will be wondering where that sweet sexy goddess went don't worry she'll be back only it will be for shorter and
shorter periods the real goal in this stage is to confuse you to make you question your judgment your worth to make you lose your individuality and blend right in with her to make you feel like you are lucky to have her and to ensure that you keep her you will constantly praise her and you'll never go against her you'll stop holding your ground because the consequences of standing up for yourself are too intense and too damaging so you'll start to shut down to feel helpless maybe even anxious depressed because she's eroding your sense of self
breaking you down and if you start to pull away she'll sense that right away and she'll give you a glimpse of what attracted you to her she might even build you back up slightly like a cat who pretends to let the mouse go just to pounce on it again as it's getting away and on top of all this she'll separate you from your friends and family she'll be insanely jealous when you give any attention to anyone else even if it's your kids she'll threaten to leave and she'll do anything to exert more and more control
over you you basically become her possession that's responsible for keeping her happy making her look good taking care of all our needs while you get well nothing abused and because you're a good person someone who wants to protect and keep your loved ones happy and safe someone who wants to keep your promises all these amazing qualities when in the right hands but when in the hands of the female covert narcissist these are really really detrimental to you so if you're staying because you made promises or because you still think you can help her or save
her then you're staying for the wrong reasons if you're staying because you think it's love it is not and in my opinion the only thing worse than being in an abusive relationship is being in it for one more day and if you manage to break loose or get discarded don't go back there is no such thing as no strings attached with a narcissist cut as many ties as possible and if you're unlucky enough to be in a co-parenting relationship with a narcissist then you'll want to check out my video on co-parenting with a narcissist if
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