someone here says Stefan if your wife is having an affair and you still love her would you stay in the marriage because of the kids first I'm gonna say you know I'm sorry to hear what you're going through you know when you're in a relationship with someone and you feel Trust has been broken and there's been a betrayal it you know it's definitely can be very challenging to go through that and there's a few things I'm gonna say on this number one understand first and foremost why why this happened how did this happen how did
your relationship get to the point where your wife is now having an affair it's not comfortable to look at that but you got to look at two different aspects number one what's what's going on with her okay that that caused her to react in this way to go out and have an affair that's number one number two is you need to look at yourself because at the end of the day we're still responsible on some level for the life that we have and and what takes place in our lives and no matter how thin you
slice it there's always two sides I'm not justifying what she's doing is it's it's not it's wrong you know you don't betray someone in that way you don't break that trust but is there some part of this that you've contributed in some way are the things that you could have done better or differently to be a better partner to meet that person's needs to grow the relationship because it does take two to tango so first I'm gonna say is on your wife's side the reason why someone would cheat man or woman is there certain needs
that are not being fulfilled there are certain needs that this person has that aren't being fulfilled by you and so therefore they're going somewhere else to get those needs fulfilled it's your job to find out as a detective what needs are not being fulfilled that I'm not providing for that person maybe for example you're not giving that person the attention and if you're not giving your partner the attention and you're not making them feel special you're not giving them your time and making them feel amazing well what can happen happen most often is they come
across someone else as giving them that energy they're giving them that attention they're showing appreciation for them they're there you know making them feel a certain way that you might not be meeting that need and so therefore they're pulled and drawn towards that attention they're sorry they're pulled towards that person because they're providing something that you're not that's that's a big aspect of it okay and even though that might be the case of different times in the relationship it does not justify what she did right because if that is happening in a relationship the healthy
way to deal with that is to communicate to have like a relationship ritual which I've shared with you guys before with Tatiana what we do every week or every two weeks and our relationship to make sure that our relationship never gets to that point we can address it because we have that communication that if I'm not meeting a need of hers she can let me know and we can actually do something about it so that we make sure that our relationship is thriving and growing because a relationship just like any aspect of life has to
be growing if it's not growing its dying you know it has to be a focus you can't neglect it you have to be always growing it and making sure that there's progress being made if you don't it gets to a point where things like this happen so that's one piece the other piece is looking at how you possibly contributed to this not meeting her needs and what you can do better to be a better partner because regardless of whether or not you stay with this person you stay as part of the family there's lessons and
value here for you that you can use and apply to your existing relationship or your next one but if you don't learn these lessons you get divorced you go through your next relationship you'll repeat the exact same mistakes okay so learn from this as much as you possibly can now to answer your question first and foremost you've got kids and that's great and what I'd say with that is if you love this person I would first try to focus on on on building your relationship with this person that's the most ideal scenario is for you
to have a happy family that's what's gonna benefit the kids the most okay so to actually sit down with your wife is she committed to being in this relationship person foremost is she committed in making changes okay because she broke some trust that is gonna take time to re-establish in the relationship okay she has to acknowledge what you know acknowledge her fault essentially take responsibility for it as well so she has to acknowledge that but also be committed to wanting to be in this relationship and making this work you both have to be in alignment
with that you both have to decide whether or not you're both committed to making this marriage work not just for the kids but for each other okay and if you're both on the same page with that and you want to be together then work on your relationship okay get relationship coaching counseling therapy read books on relationships prioritize a relationship meet each other's needs and and and build the relationship okay might take time I get it you know there's trust that's been broken if you're gonna have to build that out and if you're committed to being
with this person you're gonna have to let go of that and forgive them even though it doesn't feel fair I get it but you're gonna have to be you're gonna have to grow spiritually right now to be more conscious and forgive and love this person understand why they did it and have compassion for it and Trust trust them that they are committed to being with you and making changes and see that light on the end of the tunnel that vision you guys have to both be in alignment with that but you holding on to it
and punishing her and punishing her for this and not trusting and creating guilt for this person and all that is not gonna allow you to repair this relationship and to grow sometimes in relationships when this does happen there's a lot of relationships by the way that have been through Affairs that are stronger today than ever before and it's challenging to get through it but the analogy is that if you break a bone in the body when that bone heals it becomes a strongest bone in the body and it's the same thing for the relationship is
that right now because of this adversity a relationship can actually get better and stronger than it ever would have been if this didn't happen and so in some cases you might not see it now about five years or ten years from now if you're still with this person you amazing relationship that could have been the tipping point that forced you guys to grow and master a relationship to have this incredible relationship that you can now have but all because of that moment it could be a blessing in disguise so that's a way that's that's a
mental reframe of how you can look at it now so that's one thing the other thing is so should you stay for the kids so here's the thing understand that you and your partner you and your spouse are the foundation for the relationship okay that's the foundation if that Foundation's weak the kids will suffer if you stay in a relationship where there's no love there's no passion there's negativity there's yelling there's fighting that's happening there's disagreements and how to raise the kids all these things that are happening that is going to influence the kids in
a negative way you got to understand your kids don't necessarily listen to what you say they watch and they model what you do the best thing that you can do to be a great parent and to to help your kids is how you show up and how your being is gonna influence them more than anything else so if your kids are in a dynamic when you're sacrificing your happiness your love and your passion and you're just friends with your partner and you're sacrificing all of that and you're miserable and you're doing that just for the
kids you're now teaching your kids that a relationship is all about sacrificing and giving up your happiness for your kids and they're gonna go and live their lives and model and do the exact same thing so it even though divorce is not ideal but in a lot of cases when I've studied this and I've seen this and I've worked with relationships and I've been mentored by relationship coaches sometimes the better situation is is that if you split with this person and do get a divorce that is challenging for kids without a doubt I'm not discrediting
that in any way however by you being happy okay even if you're a part by you being happier by you being more fulfilled in your life by you being able to attract the right partner in your life and then your wife attracting the right partner for her that is a healthier dynamic for the kids okay because by you being happy and living your life and being passionate about your life and having a great example for what a relationship should be that is going to influence your kids in a more empowering way in a better way
and in a relationship you do have to prioritize your your partnership and your your marriage and your love and time together in a lot of cases even above your kids okay so there's times in a relationship you have to tell the kids right now it's mommy and daddy time right now you know we're going on a date and you have to prioritize that because again that's the example that you're providing for them so that's what I'd say to you is either trying to recover the relationship person form us work on it grow it learn as
much as you can from it but if you're just not the right people for each other if you're totally in misalignment and you're gonna suffer and be depressed and fight and yell and and affairs are gonna happen then it's healthier for the kids for you to split up and to be happy and not sacrifice my mom both of my parents so my mom has been divorced twice my dad's been divorced three times my parents more my mom stages my dad and they got divorced when I was 18 years old and they did it for the
kids but my mom was depressed the whole time she gave up her happiness she gave up her life and I don't want my mom to do that I wouldn't prefer that my mom had split up and been happy and joy I didn't want her to give up 15 years or 18 years rather of I think maybe they do the beginning of the relationship was great so maybe not the whole time but I know the majority like the last 10 years or so she stayed with my dad in an abusive relationship that was not healthy for
the kids like I suffered a lot from it as well as my siblings but I don't want my mom to have to go through that I would have much rather preferred as a mature adult today even though it would've been hard for myself as a kid and my brother and sister preferred for her to split up and to be happy and have like I want her to be happy with my dad I'd be happy I don't want them to be miserable because of me the kid right and your kids don't want that either for you
when your kids grow up and become adults they'll understand that and and be happy and proud that you did make that decision because rather than suffering and being depressed and miserable that whole time because of them so that's just my perspective on it but that's you know that's that's what I would do if I was in that situation you
