[Music] let's talk about America's Lord and Savior Donald jasa Feer Trump they're not booing they're saying Bruce for no apparent reason when Trump ran for president he had an urgent message about the state of our country our country is being lost we're a failing Nation we are a nation in Decline we have to fight for our country and we have to fight like we've never fought before it's like we're a giant garbage can how dare you if anything America is a recycling bin useless and made almost entirely of plastic but that's it we have to
fight to save our country and now Daddy's Home he's about to take out the trash and two weeks into the Trump presidency we have a better sense of the evil and Powerful forces that have been dragging our once great nation into decline the Trump Administration removed transgender references from federal government websites it now reads LGB instead of [Music] [Applause] LGBT they have no idea the damage T was doing to our nation consonant CU I think you'll agree with me there is no T in USA if you spell it out obviously that becomes an issue and
if you want a BLT for lunch things can get ugly but nothing will stop America's low te like no te what other changes are making us great again the Trump Administration ordering all gender ideology references be removed including pronouns and email signatures oh yeah consonants and pronouns your next prepositions no more pronouns and email signatures good luck signing your emails now president she [Music] or should I say president him those are just the actions that this president has taken to prove that he's still kind of a dick but believe me he hasn't taken his eye
off of America's true nation state enemies president Trump has reiterated in his threat to quote take back the Panama Canal Trump suggesting he could use military force to take Greenland president Trump had a fiery uh phone call with Denmark's prime minister putting the NATO Ally in in crisis mode Denmark Panama Greenland the AIS of where are those now L you think that pronouns and Panama were the twin forces shackling America to a prison of Na Decay there are also more powerful forces at play in this dangerous World some of them closer than what you might
have ever imagined the new era of trade Wars Trump says tariffs are coming on Canada and Mexico and even the European Union what is happening the EU Canada do we have any friends I mean Mexico I get Trump's been hateing Mexico pretty much since the escalator that's the truth but Canada Canada we're picking a fight with our most reliable and pleasant friend the Labradoodle of allies but I I guess that's CH tough you know what I mean you got to walk into the prison yard walk right up to the one guy who really doesn't seem
to be a problem at all and just yeah take that best friend who has willingly signed up to fight in every ridiculous War we've ever gotten into let that be a lesson to the rest of the world we are a terrible friend Denmark Panama and Canada we America we used to fight the Nazis now we're scouring the globe for easy marks what do we laugh the Jake Paul of Nations I know is that what we're doing no offense I know China's out there but Panama's a legitimate fight in fact I'm going to call everyone out
in FIFA's conaf division yeah oh Trinidad and Tobago you got to gang up [Applause] huh that honestly like I can't believe you laughed at a conaf joke soccer is back baby oh look at me getting all skewed in the tie now in Trump's defense he did explain today why we're going after Canada I mean I look at some of the deals made I say who the hell made these deals are so bad so bad the the trade deals with Canada they're so bad he's just looking and saying who who made these ladies and gentlemen don't
don't get ahead of me ladies and gentlemen for your dining and dancing pleasure come with me into the way back of ma to 20 18 I give you the culprit of the terrible deal with Canada this morning president Trump signed a new trade deal to replace NAFTA with the leaders of Mexico and Canada the best trade deal they say ever made don't a deal done by Trump's greatest Nemesis Trump now hold on all right but president Trump this trade War has awoken a sleeping giant not Canada not Mexico but the Democratic minority Senate leader release
the Schumer it's going to affect beer okay most of it Corona here comes from Mexico it's going to affect your guac because what is guacamole made of avocados your response to the trade war is toing tell us guacamole is made of avocados is that what uh when the when the people found out when when the people find out the precious Super Bowl dip is comprised of uh mainly avocado also tomato sometimes onion it's a bit much for me obviously with the spilus and uh excuse me one second Democrats can you please stop trotting Schumer out
there every time Trump traverses into the unreal he's not good at this what is the decision-making process here hey who should we get out there to effectively battle one of the most Savvy presidential media manipulators in history I don't know how about Schumer he's uninteresting but at least he's monotone oh wait and Chuck before you go out there you look too young put on these readers and lower them on your nose perfect honestly listening to Chuck Schumer speak on almost any Tomic makes me want a bomb Canada kidding of course by the way we have
a couple of Canadians here from montre and I don't want to upset them because I'm going to need an apartment soon now before we now before we get uh rattled by Trump's two to two and a half front trade War please understand Mexico has already today received a 30-day stay on tariffs by promising 10,000 troops to the border and we've promised to stop the inflow of guns so self-invented crisis averted but what can Canada do I'm sure there's an equally performative gesture Canada could make what I'd like to see Canada become our 51st state Mexico
you just sent a few troops uh to the Border but Canada if you could I don't know cease to exist as an independent entity Fair what's that Mexico uh no no there's only 51 stat there's no 50 seconds I'm sorry hold on one sec Washington DC yeah go all right what's that Puerto Rico no it's you Canada I think you know why I think you know why Canada all right of course by the way since we even were writing this show at like 4M Trump has already said now he's going to pause the Terra for
with Canada as well because [Applause] [Music] of course it makes sense to wrap up the trade War right now so that we as a country can focus on the biggest thing that's weakening our great nation diversity equity and inclusion yes Dei diversity equity and inclusion Maga worlds blamed this Scourge for everything from the fires in California to the attack on Bourbon Street to inflation to the Baltimore bridge collapse to why your children are confused about the race of mermaids because mermaids boys and girls are gingers they've always been that the latest example being the plane
crash in Washington it was the deest but don't take my word for it let's let MTV's Road Rules star and Fox and Friends B teamer explain Dei you can't focus on diversity equity and inclusion when you try to hire higher air traffic controllers you want the best you want the brightest protecting yourself and your family we will have the best and brightest in every position possible it is colorblind and merit-based look there's a lot of reasons why the FAA is in a bad place but these guys would have you believe that the main problem is
that standards Were Somehow lowered to make sure that a black person or a gay person gets a chance to land your plane even though the requirements to become an air traffic controller are the same but by culture Waring this tragedy Americans spent that terrible night holding their breath that the pilot or the air traffic controller wouldn't be a woman or a black person or in a wheelchair because what they're trying to do is make the default setting on competence in America a white guy that's what this is a reset to the factory default because of
course these two are there purely based on Merit and smarts it's and it's just taken for granted it undercuts every black person person of color woman in this country that the job that they have they don't deserve it's it's the Mantra in the Republican party that gives you brain turning moments like this in the United States of America we get ahead and succeed by Merit and Merit alone yes Meritt and Meritt Alone says RNC chairwoman Lara hold on let me get my glasses trump it was a blind submission never saw a name onone the application
that's the irony of this whole thing the people standing next to Trump on that terrible night blaming Dei and trying to reinstall white guys as the only non-suspect pool of hires are themselves Dei hires for one particular identity that they possess the ass kisser the president's leadership uh has been remarkable during this crisis Mr President you make our jobs a lot easier I want to Echo what the transportation secretary said about about your leadership thank you for your leadership and courage on that sir I think you make a really important point on that Mr President
the president is right and again I want to thank you for your leadership Mr President D [Music] Dei sucking ego inflation obviously if you think of sucking as a compound work but you can Gaslight us all you want cuz the one thing you didn't count on is our secret weapon the roots of democracy are deep people are aroused I haven't seen people so aroused in a very very long time in terms of going uh trying to get this [Applause] done aroused we all know Donald Trump isn't a details kind of guy we elected him to
come up with big br ideas like renaming the Gulf of Mexico no one else could have thought of that or should have thought of that but it's okay that he's not big on details because during the campaign he promised us that he knew a guy I'm going to appoint Elon Musk who's a fantastic guy to lead a government efficiency commission tasked with saving trillions of dollars in fraud waste and abuse we have tremendous fat tremendous fat oh oh don't take the bait Desi don't take the bait be the bigger person be the bigger person okay
that's right Elon Musk the world's richest man and guy who cheers in the wrong parts of Saving Private Ryan Trump promised us that he'd give Elon full access to the federal government pull it to the side and get all up in it and unlike his wedding vows this is a promise he kept Elon Musk sweeping push to make over the federal government sparking Democratic panic and warnings of a constitutional crisis now we have learned that his team has gained access to something extraordinarily sensitive the system that the treasury Department uses to disperse almost every check
and expenditure of any kind made by the US government that is a vast database with millions of Americans personal information on it yeah yeah Elon Musk has access to your social security number and that is not cool if you want our personal data Elon you go buy it off the dark web like everyone else okay now you might be thinking I don't want white nationalist Tony Stark to have sole control of the inner workings of the federal government but relax it's not just Elon he has a fully equipped team longtime government employees this week were
shocked to find that their new supervisor from Elon musk's Doge Department include recent college and high school graduates between 19 and 24 years old one of the young men is apparently a former intern at musks neuralink company who goes by the online handle big balls great big balls has my social security number now I feel better I know we complained about our leaders being too old but doesn't this go a little too far in the other direction surely they must be a middle ground somewhere between Crypt Bros and crypt keepers not only that musk has
been installing his big balls in a whole bunch of little known agencies that are crucial in actually running the government the GSA the OPM the OMB the OC and SVU now Elon Musk isn't just going to get full access to the federal government just to sit back and watch it function like he's some sort of cuck no he's going to jump jum in there and do some cutting this weekend musk taking aim at the US agency for International Development or us Aid which is in charge of dispensing tens of billions of dollars in foreign aid
us Aid employees are waking up this morning to an email notice telling them not to show up to work today as musk says he is shutting the agency down yes the richest man in the world is cutting off Aid to poor countries why can't you just be a normal billionaire and co-host shark tanker run an NBA team into the ground now I'm not saying there's not some cuts to be made in foreign aid spending you just don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water or um what's the expression I'm looking for as
we dug into USA USA ID it became apparent that what we have here is is not an apple with a worm in it but we have actually just a bowl of worms um and so at the point of which you you don't merely like you got an apple it's got a worm maybe you can take the worm out but if you've got actually just a ball of worms it it's it's hopeless um and usid is a bow of worms there there is no apple um and when there is no apple that's that's you've just got
to basically get rid of the whole thing okay we get it we get the metaphor you don't have to keep saying worms over and over again you know I have a metaphor too Elon musk's Charisma reminds me of a ball of worms of course usaid was codified by an act of Congress so if Trump thinks he can have Elon Musk kill it he must have a strong legal reason for why he can do that without an act of Congress will it take an act of Congress to do away with usaid or you believe you I
don't know I don't think so or not why should he know he's just the president president Donald Trump is also reducing the government Workforce although his interests seem to be less about cost cutting and more about Sweet Sweet Revenge tremendous unrest inside the FBI as prosecutors and agents who worked on the January six investigations are being targeted it looks like a wholesale Purge of the FBI as you know already the eight top officials at the Federal Bureau of Investigation have either been fired or forced to resign now FBI is being asked to produce a list
of every employee who worked on any case related to January 6th I am told this is some 6,000 FBI employees all told what the these agents were doing their job enforcing the law and now they're getting fired that is not how it works I cannot believe I have to explain firing to the star of The Apprentice that was your whole fake job and this is obviously just the beginning because Trump is going to be targeting everyone that's ever come after him and I just want to say I'm not scared so Mr Trump Bring It On
okay bring it on that's coming from me Jordan klepper kle e p p r every day since Trump came into to office he bombards us with ridiculous policies we go crazy trying to keep up with them and before we can catch our breath he hits us with something else even more absurd it is exhausting and unsustainable so starting today no more of that okay no more no more I have a whole script here full of important issues that I want to talk about and I'm not going to let Donald Trump distract me me with some
crazy new idea this morning a stunning proposal from an American president Donald Trump with the Israeli Prime Minister by his side declaring that the US will take over the Gaza Strip the US will take over the Gaza Strip we'll own [Applause] it okay let me just ask what and also what president Trump made a surprising suggestion last night during a press conference with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu the United States He said should take over the war torn Gaza Strip and redevelop it into something like a seaside resort we have an opportunity to do something
that could be phenomenal and I don't want to be cute I don't want to be a wise guy but the Riviera of the Middle East what the Trump is going to turn Gaza into the Riviera he couldn't even turn Atlantic City into a nicer Atlantic City if anything they tore down so many of his casinos he turned Atlantic City into Gaza but okay he wants to rebuild it and he wants to turn it into maral Lago at least the Palestinians will have a place to go back to Donald Trump calling for the permanent resettlement of
roughly 2 million Palestinians I don't think people should be going back to Gaza I think that Gaza has been very unlucky for them and he says he's willing to use the US military to do it we'll do what is necessary if it's necessary we'll do [Music] that okay just so I'm clear your idea is to take over Gaza rebuild it into maral Lago and make sure that the Palestinians who live there can't go back that is the craziest thing he said since yesterday and until tomorrow even his chief of staff was shocked look at that
look at her face she looks just like she won best country album at the grammy and of course she's shocked he's effectively advocating for ethnic cleansing who could possibly be okay with that you see things others refuse to see you say things others refuse to say and on after the jaws drop people scratch their heads and they say you know he's right no they usually scratch their heads and they say what the are you talking about of course BB is ecstatic at Trump's idea look at him he looks happier than a teenager getting a hand
job in the back of a Birthright bus but BB aside this proposal is giving a lot of people Whiplash Trump ran his whole campaign on America First and now he's out there chanting from the Riviera to the Sea even Trump's Republican allies aren't on board although of course they have to let him down easy we're trying to get the details of it it was a surprising development Senator Josh Holly says quote I don't know that I think it's the best use of us resources to spend a bunch of money in Gaza we also heard from
Senator Lindsey Graham I think most South Carolinians would probably not be excited about sending Americans to take over Gaza I think that might be problematic Tom Tillis likely with the quote of the night which was there are probably a couple kinks in that slinky [Applause] there's a couple kinks in that Slinky that's how desperate these guys are to not openly disagree with Trump they're just making up sayings now of course some of his supporters like Steve duy are trying to give Trump the benefit of the doubt it was a jaw-dropper last night the the cover
of the New York Post is will take over Gaza I think this is just the Tipping you know this is the the conversation starter because obviously the the president knows when he say says we'll take Gaza he knows the United States can't invade another country of course America would never invade another country you can read all about it in Steve ducey's American history book me just got labotomy by C so to summarize Maga people think this is dicey their eyeballs think it's Bing crazy and the entire plan is DOA unless Trump can do some real
Outreach to the countries in the Middle East and based on his response to reporters from Afghanistan I don't think he has the skills to do it as our expectation from you do you have any plan to change Afghanistan situation I have a little hard time understanding you where are you from actually it's a beautiful voice and a beautiful ACC said the the only problem is I can't understand the word you're saying but but I just say this uh good luck live in peace good luck live in peace why does he sound like he's saying goodbye
to ET the people of Earth wish you peace may your Slinky have no Kinks yesterday Donald Trump unveiled his big plan to relocate Gins and turn their Homeland into to the world's holiest Hard Rock Hotel in casino and today the reviews are in the Arab world hates it Democrats condemn it Republicans have problems with it and the Palestinians won't abide by it or As Trump says we ask about your do proposal a lot of people are talking about obviously everybody loves it I stand corrected I guess everybody loves it and even though the plan was
totally perfect in every way his staff spent the entire your next day walking back every single part of it the president said his intention was to remove Palestinians from Gaza permanently if we can get a beautiful area to resettle people permanently but today the press secretary said it would be temporary the president has made it clear that they need to be temporarily relocated out of Gaza for the rebuilding of this effort oh Trump's press secretary just had her first walk back this is an important right of passage for Trump's spokespeople they're bul Mitzvah if you
will she was spending so much time walking back the plan that at one point she ran out of English words this is an unhabitable place for human beings yes so true remind me how it got unhabitable again even worse for Caroline while she was scrambling to salvage Trump's plan Trump was on Truth social re adjusting it on the Fly which left everybody even more confused breaking just a short time ago president Trump seemed to backrack but also to double down on his plan to take over Gaza a backtrack and a double down and now on
the uneven bars Donald Trump will attempt the rare combination back backtrack double down and let's see if he breaks every bone in his body but while his team tries to fix his Gaza plan Donald Trump has already moved on because he's basically the Norovirus every day he spews executive orders all over the place and while we struggle to clean up all the puke he comes out the other end with something even worse he tried to buy out the entire Workforce of the CIA his doj is going after anyone who's investigated him and now he has
defeated America's biggest threat at the White House today president Trump signing an ex cutive order Banning transgender women and girls from competing in women's sports with this executive order the war on women's sports is over we're putting every school receiving taxpayer dollars on notice that if you let men take over women's sports teams or invade your locker rooms you will be investigated for violations of Title 9 and risk your federal funding you notice how we pause right before invade your locker rooms like maybe we won't make that illegal should have proof read this it's it's
bad enough that he's banned trans women from sports but spare us the performance of pretending that this is a top issue for women in this country maybe start with I don't know Reproductive Rights or pay inequality or why 2025 and still none of my clothes have pockets now you you might be wondering is this really going to be the entire Trump presidency just divisive executive orders every day for the next four years probably but on the bright side he did have one executive order today that felt relatively harmless I have signed an executive order to
resume the process of creating a new National Park full of statues of the greatest Americans who ever lived it would be called The National Garden of American heroes and I hope that Congress will fully fund this wonderfully unifying project at the first possible opportunity excuse me sir Americans already have a national garden and it sells unlimited bread sticks I never thought I'd say this but Elon I got some government waste for you right here does anyone have the phone number of the Department of government efficiency actually they're all 12-year-olds does anyone have the Roblox usernames
of the Department of government efficiency [Music]
