-Everything is great and it was a very normal weekend. The president is sane and the country is in good hands. For more on this, it's time for I'm just [bleep] with you.
Donald Trump is threatening a trade war with multiple countries and plunging us into a constitutional crisis. He's waging a full-scale takeover of the government by purging prosecutors and law enforcement officials and handing over control of sensitive government programs and Americans' private data to unelected oligarchs and fifth-year senior who wasn't invited to the sleepover but showed up anyway Elon Musk. For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look.
" We're three weeks into the Trump presidency, and already he's plunged the entirety of the federal government into chaos. And I know you've probably heard the words Trump and chaos in the same sentence many times over the past 10 years. And, you know, maybe you're skeptical.
Well, then you tell me, hotshot, Mr Know-it-all. Sorry, sorry. You know what?
I don't know why I'm getting so aggressive right off the bat. You tell me, dear sir or madam, what, pray tell, would you call this? -The Trump team promised shock and awe to start his second term.
Two weeks in, the shocks keep coming. -Administration officials have forced out all six of the FBI's most senior executives and multiple heads of various FBI field offices. -Trump fired at least 17 inspector generals.
-More than two dozen federal prosecutors who worked on January 6th cases were fired. -Sparking panic inside the Bureau by people who fear retribution by the Trump administration. -More than 1,000 senior civil workers and contractors were fired, furloughed, or placed on leave.
USAID's website has been offline for more than 24 hours. -Putting a pause on most federal government websites. -The Department of Education, a number of people have been placed on administrative leave.
-Several federal agencies were instructed to remove pronouns and in some cases nicknames from their e-mail signatures. -Immigration and Customs Enforcement reported an undisclosed number of arrests in Chicago with the acting deputy attorney general. The Trump ally Dr Phil.
. . -President Donald Trump did order water released from two dams in the Central Valley.
-Claiming more water would have helped with the L. A. Wildfires.
Wasting reservoir supplies that farmers will need later, the water was released into rivers that do not flow to Los Angeles. -I thought you were just going to lower the price of eggs! What is all this other [bleep] It's like hiring a handyman to fix your toilet and when you come back, he's pulling out the fixtures, rerouting the pipes, and replacing your shower with a Jacuzzi that also doesn't work.
"Oh, the toilet's still clogged. I'll get to it right after I burn down your garage. " Trump is dismantling the government like he's hacking away at a stolen Benz in a chop shop.
Meanwhile, egg prices are soaring with no end in sight. Hell, they're so expensive, I decided just to buy my own chicken. I keep it under the desk.
[ Chicken clucks ] Oh, hold on. Oh, well, thank you, birdie. You know what the street value of these babies is?
I'm about to get paid. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] The news -- The news is so insane that we don't even have time to talk about how Trump released over a billion gallons of water from two dams over 100 miles away from L. A.
, some of which went into a river that doesn't even flow to L. A. , then claimed that if we'd listen to him, the wildfires never would have happened, and posted a photo of some water with the caption "Photo of beautiful water flow that I just opened in California.
" Oh, well, if it isn't "The Wonders of Nature with Donald Attenborough. " "Watch as the babbling brook flows with its softly glistening ripples into the barren fields of the Central Valley to nurture the fledgling greenery. Now to begin the 200-mile trek to Los Angeles.
What's that? It's not going to make it to L. A.
Then what the [bleep] was the point of this? " And I know the wise pundits and politicians who lecture the rest of rest of us on how to do politics have told us that we have to be discerning and not freak out about everything that Trump does. -Top Democrats on Capitol Hill are defending their strategy.
Representative Hakeem Jeffries, citing New York Yankees outfielder Aaron Judge in arguing it's better to pick and choose their fights and focus on a clear message. -One of the reasons that he's a great hitter is that he does not swing at every pitch. He waits for the right one and then he swings.
We're not going to swing at every pitch. -All right, first of all, you guys aren't Aaron Judge. You're more like Bartolo Colon.
It's a wonder you can swing without your helmet coming off. Second, most of Trump's pitches are 65 miles an hour right down the center of the plate. Get your bat off your [bleep] shoulder.
Democrats should be teeing off on this guy. [ Cheers and applause ] Right? But instead of teeing off on this guy, they're putting up goose eggs.
[ Chicken clucks ] Oh, sorry, birdie, I wasn't -- I wasn't talking to you, honey, but still, you know, business is gonna be rocking on the street corner tonight. [ Cheers and applause ] Any chance you could also lay some avocados? [ Laughter ] Sorry, real quick, I have to reset these eggs back under the desk in case we call back that joke again.
Um, NBC said they would pay for four eggs, but not under any circumstances six. [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, Lorne Michaels -- full omelet station. [ Laughter ] So pundits and Democratic elders want us all not to freak out at everything Trump does.
But what if every day, he does multiple things that are freak-out worthy? You know, what do we do then? For real?
What do we do? Does anyone know? Anyone?
How about you, Wally? -Well, Seth, I believe we have to start by addressing the root causes of America's slide into autocracy, beginning with our culture of elite impunity and the voracious greed of moneyed interests, who, over the course of the mid to late 20th century, captured our political establishment -- -Not [bleep] now, Wally. Jesus.
It's rhetorical, bro. We don't have time for your treatise on American decline. -Well -- Well, fine.
If anyone at home would like to hear more, you can purchase a copy of my new pamphlet, "The Cue-munist Manifesto. " [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Sorry, Wally, you're a communist? -What can I say?
Communism sells, baby. -Okay, well, I actually, then, think you're doing it wrong. But seriously though, Trump is barraging us with such an intense fusillade of non-stop bull [bleep] that it's impossible for the human brain to keep track or make sense of it.
In the past three weeks alone, he's picked fights with Denmark, Panama, Colombia. Dr Phil went on an immigration raid. Trump tried to override Congress's spending power by unilaterally canceling trillions in government spending.
He shuttered thousands of government websites, including those that provide crucial health information to scientists and the public. His Justice Department essentially shut down an investigation of a Republican ally, and he ordered government employees to take their pronouns out of their e-mail signatures. And anyone who is super upset when they see pronouns at the bottom of an e-mail signature, let me just pull you aside for a second and say, like, who gives a [bleep] I mean, I know I don't care.
[ Cheers and applause ] I don't care one way or the other. You know, put them in there or don't put them in there. It doesn't make a difference to me, because let me assure you of one thing.
If you sent me an e-mail that's longer than two sentences, I'm not going to read it. I'm sure as hell not making it all the way to the bottom for your e-mail signature. Are you insane?
Are you also the kind of person who reads the entirety of terms and conditions, you psychopaths? [ Laughter ] But of course, all of that took a back seat when Trump threatened to plunge us into a costly trade war with two of our closest allies and neighbors, for what experts have described as, and I believe this is the technical term, no [bleep] reason whatsoever. I mean, even Trump can't explain it.
-This morning, America on the cusp of a trade war with its biggest trading partners after President Donald Trump signed three executive orders imposing 25% tariffs on all exports from Mexico and Canada, with a lower 10% tariff on Canadian energy exports and 10% tariffs on goods from China. Trump justifying the tariffs by blaming those countries for illegal drugs and undocumented migrants entering the U. S.
-They'd have to balance out their trade, number one. They've got to stop people from pouring into our country. And we've stopped it.
They haven't stopped it. We've stopped it. -Wait, if you already stopped it, then why do you want them to stop it?
How do they stop a thing you already stopped? I feel like I'm trapped in an M. C.
Escher painting. "They have to stop it because we've stopped it and they haven't stopped it. So they have to stop the thing we stopped and the hand has to draw the hand, the hand that's drawing the hand is being drawn by the hand that the hand is drawing.
It's a complicated situation. " [ Laughter ] We've explained this many -- [ Applause ] Oh, please. "The hand is clapping with the hand -- Is the first hand clapping?
The -- No hand should clap. " We've explained this many times before, but again, a tariff is just a tax on imports. The exporting country doesn't pay the tax, the importer pays the tax, and then the tax gets passed on to the consumer.
No importer has ever said, "You know what, I'm going to cover this one. " And it applies to lots of stuff. Don't take it from me.
Take it from, of all places, Fox News. I mean, look at how long this list is. It's like a commercial for "Now That's What I Call Foods Donald Trump Would Never Eat in His Life.
" I just wish they'd put a live camera on him when he found out how much stuff was on this list. [ Laughter ] That's also -- That's also what his face would ever do if he took a bite of a banana. And to make matters worse, Canada immediately responded with retaliatory tariffs and harsh words for Americans.
-Americans have to understand how hurt and frankly, how furious Canadians are. Regular Canadians across the country are coming up with ways to stand for Canada, to fight for Canada, to defend Canada, but mostly to say to our American neighbors, "Guys, just cut it out. Just stop it.
This is a terrible idea. " -I think Canadians are a little perplexed as to why our closest friends and neighbors are choosing to target us. I don't think there's a lot of Americans who wake up in the morning saying, "Oh, damn, Canada.
Oh, we should really go after Canada. " -I have never seen Canadians so [bleep] mad. [ Laughter ] I mean, they have blown their fuses.
And he's right, though it's impossible to hate Canada. This is the country that gave us Wayne Gretzky, Ryan Gosling, Martin Short, and I am sad to report that due to this feud with Canada, Steve Martin will be forced to go on tour alone. That's right.
We're down to two amigos. But it's true. No American wakes up saying, "Damn Canada, we should really go after Canada.
" I mean, except for Kendrick Lamar. That dude has it out for Canadian rap. And by the way, he won five Grammys last night for that song.
What? [ Cheers and applause ] What a deep and lasting burn on Drke. Imagine dissing someone and then they diss you back and get five Grammys for it.
I would never rhyme two sentences ever again. Now, today, Mexico announced that they'd reached a deal with Trump to delay the tariffs for a month, which is fully how I expected this to play out, because it's all bluster for the cameras. -US President Donald Trump, who announced the 25% tariffs on Saturday, says he agreed to put them on hold for one month after speaking today with Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum.
-Wait, so Mexico agreed to stop ripping us off? Does this mean next time I go to Señor Frogs in Cancun for spring break, they won't make me pay a $50 cover charge? And, yeah, I still go to Cancun for spring break.
It's actually very cool. I do it for a segment called "Day Drnking with Seth and a Bunch of College Kids Who Are So Drnk They Think He's Ben Stiller. " [ Laughter ] "Bro.
Bro, 'Severance' is so good, bro. " Trump said the tariffs would happen on day one. Then on day one, he said February.
Now he's saying March. He caved. And while Trump is threatening trade wars abroad, he's letting the real president, Elon Musk, root around in government computer systems and basically eliminate whatever he doesn't like.
-New reporting overnight about the Department of Government Efficiency led by Elon Musk. Well, he has now gained access to sensitive Treasury data that includes the federal government's payment system. -This is the system that is used to dole out more than $6 trillion of payments every year, Everything from Social Security benefit payments to Medicare benefits to when you get a tax refund from the federal government.
-DOGE personnel wanted access to security systems, to personnel information, and to areas where classified information is held. Of course, highly restricted areas. Eventually, we are told, the DOGE personnel were able to get in.
-This brings us to a segment called "Seth Is So Stunned He Can't Complete a Thought. " So you're telling me the richest man in the world -- Okay, so Elon Musk is -- Let's back up. The Treasury Department's computer system has been compromised -- I mean, this is a staggering leak of private -- I'm trying to say -- [Bleep] it.
This sucks eggs. [ Chicken clucks ] Oh, sorry. Thank you, Birdie.
Look at this. Two totally different eggs. [ Laughter ] By the way, real eggs.
You know how I know? 15 different crew members have been like, "They're real [bleep] eggs. Don't [bleep] around out there.
They're real [bleep] eggs. " [ Laughter ] So I'll tell you this -- well, I put them on the desk, I know why birds make nests. Rolling around up here.
[ Laughter ] So Elon Musk and his team are unilaterally canceling funds that have been appropriated by Congress. Regardless of how you feel about any specific thing Musk is doing, no one elected him. A billionaire oligarch spent nearly $300 million to get Trump elected, and now he's basically running the government.
And by the way, people don't like this. Over half the country voted for someone else, and Trump's approval rating is at historic lows. Again, somebody has got to speak up for that half of the country.
Democrats have to take action. They can't just say to Trump and Musk. .
. -Guys, just cut it out. -This has been "A Closer Look.
" ♪♪ Thanks for watching.
